AW wife says I'm "required" to let her pay for 5th treatment center from joint funds
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
I agree with SaTit...90 meetings in 90 days would do her a world of good.
But, if she won't do that, 90 days in a treatment center is certainly better than 30 (this is what the research says). Has anyone spoken with the "premier" recovery center in Minnesota? If she is truly mentally ill and has BPD as you suspect, they might not take her. That facility focuses mainly on addiction/alcoholism and last month refused to accept my sister because she has BPD. A dual diagnosis place might be better, where they focus on mental health and addictions. In my family's research, we found two that are very reputable and not as expensive as Hazelden. Also, if you call the Betty Ford Center and describe the problem, they can help find a facility that fits your needs.
But, if she won't do that, 90 days in a treatment center is certainly better than 30 (this is what the research says). Has anyone spoken with the "premier" recovery center in Minnesota? If she is truly mentally ill and has BPD as you suspect, they might not take her. That facility focuses mainly on addiction/alcoholism and last month refused to accept my sister because she has BPD. A dual diagnosis place might be better, where they focus on mental health and addictions. In my family's research, we found two that are very reputable and not as expensive as Hazelden. Also, if you call the Betty Ford Center and describe the problem, they can help find a facility that fits your needs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I know we arent suppossed to try and change others, but, it seems like it may be worth it to attempt to get her parents to see what she really has become. You stated that they also think that you should pay, and they are all threatening to sue.
Maybe she ought to go live with them until they understand that she is in severity. She is their daughter, but, even parents have limits.
Just a thought.
I am sorry that you are going through so much pain. I admire your resolve to be there for the kids.
Maybe she ought to go live with them until they understand that she is in severity. She is their daughter, but, even parents have limits.
Just a thought.
I am sorry that you are going through so much pain. I admire your resolve to be there for the kids.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I took some of my sons college money I had saved to pay for ONE of Ms rehabs. Her Mother, who is on a fixed retirement income, took out a 2nd mortgage to pay for ANOTHER one of Ms rehabs. The most expensive one to date! Both cases a waste of money.
I made the conscious decision that money spent on a lawyer was a far better waste of money than money spent on rehab. At least with a Lawyer there was an end in sight to the hemorrhage of cash. And who knows, maybe my Lawyer would put that money toward HER sons college? (I had a feeling she didn't really need the money TBH).
I made the conscious decision that money spent on a lawyer was a far better waste of money than money spent on rehab. At least with a Lawyer there was an end in sight to the hemorrhage of cash. And who knows, maybe my Lawyer would put that money toward HER sons college? (I had a feeling she didn't really need the money TBH).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
like laurie says, salvation army has a wonderful program and it is free. it may not be fancy-schmancy like the ones they show on the show intervention......but one can get sober in a barn if they are sincere.
and like mr. c. says....she is out of the house. it's a no brainer if you want to end this marriage. getting them out of the house is the biggest challenge, and you have already accomplished this.
my ex was always one who thought he should be treated to the best of everything, at any expense,.....he didn't care if all others were left financially impaired as long as he had the best.
protect yourself financially.....that is imperative. their minds are twisted because of the addiction, and their thinking is very irrational.
best to you
jeri
and like mr. c. says....she is out of the house. it's a no brainer if you want to end this marriage. getting them out of the house is the biggest challenge, and you have already accomplished this.
my ex was always one who thought he should be treated to the best of everything, at any expense,.....he didn't care if all others were left financially impaired as long as he had the best.
protect yourself financially.....that is imperative. their minds are twisted because of the addiction, and their thinking is very irrational.
best to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
I 3rd Sally. I personally know many recovered alkies who have been there.
And yeah, protect yourself financially.
Now that's an understatement !
And yeah, protect yourself financially.
their minds are twisted because of the addiction, and their thinking is very irrational.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by best 
...paying 35K will not gaurantee anything. Paying 3K at a local place holds no gaurantee either. A person only gets out of any program what "they" are willing to put into it.
For that reason...if they pay, they may feel more ownership of the expected results.
For that reason...if they pay, they may feel more ownership of the expected results.
Best, you are very wise!
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by Barbara52
If it were me, I wouldn't pay, especially since you say she has the money available. Why would you want to throw more money after an alcoholic who doesn't sound serious about seeking recovery in any form? She has the financial means. Let her pay for her own treatment that she says she wants so badly.
Her saying AA meetings are boring and repetitive indicates she has not worked the program. Working the program will help her enjoy the meetings, and eventually she could start helping other people who have been in similar situation as her.
Peace!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Do you think she would sign an agreement? Tell her that if she achieves two years of sobriety that you will reimburse her for "your half" of the money for the program. If she balks at that, then how serious can she be? Okay, that may not be practical....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Somebeach, Somewhere
Posts: 15
did the best I could; still not strong enough but improving
Well, I didn't back down on making her take some financial responsibility (and I give myself 2 gold stars for that), which she held out on until the end. Made her pay 1/2 of this cost out of her own funds and told her I wouldn't prevent her from taking the other half from "her half" of our joint funds (I don't have any right to poo poo that in our state), but I told her that in no way was cooperation to be seen as me "contributing" anything. I told her if she stayed sober and we stayed married (in other words if this treatment "worked" and she completely changes) that I would pay "my half" in arrears, at the six month mark.
I was too weak and caved to the threats and ranting from her and her well meaning but "don't-have-a-grip-yet" parents. Should have just said hell no, nothing leaves any bank accounts period, and let the chips fall where they may (2 after school detentions for that). Her parents are livid with me and I think I'm being a complete horse's patootey for not "supporting her 100%, now that she's serious about making herself better". "This isn't about money, its about her getting better" they said. They have now cut off communications. Oh well. They'll be micromanaging and calling her now at the treatment center and checking on her weekly now, since they have finally somewhat realized what a mess she is and have been sucked into the black hole. I'm done with that.
If she comes out of this ANY different, I'll be amazed because what I am dealing with here is a textbook Borderline PD with narcististic PD layered on top of that, and someone who will never "get it".
I did get her to commit to a 2 month stay (1 more gold star for that), so the good news at this point is that I get to enjoy my Fall, my favorite time of the year! Honestly (and is crazy as it sounds) it might almost be worth the money she is screwing off, just knowing I'll have a couple of months of peace and quiet.
One of my friends said it best. He said to him it's like she's washed out to sea, floating hopelessly, ...drowning, .......and I'm standing on shore with a bouy on a rope, while she's saying "F" you and I hate you", and "throw it to me now you A-hole". Pretty true analogy I'd say. Guess I could untie the rope and then throw?
On her way out to the treatment center last night, she annouced that I HAD to get her mail and send it to her weekly and I HAD to taked her car in and get the Interlock she got from her DWI disconnected (becasue "I'd" have to pay $75 a month fee if the car wasn't taken in monthly while she was out. I told her I wasn't comfortable being involved in removing a court ordered Interlock, and she said "get over it, you have to help me, you've been a real jerk your entire life,..... and that's what defines you" and hung up on me. I told her she was on her own for the car and the mail unless I got a full and complete apology for that (to which she said "what'd I do?") I held firm, and later she texted me and said "til death do us part, in sickness and in health".
Ah, ........sick love,.......... ain't it sweet?
:uzi2:
I was too weak and caved to the threats and ranting from her and her well meaning but "don't-have-a-grip-yet" parents. Should have just said hell no, nothing leaves any bank accounts period, and let the chips fall where they may (2 after school detentions for that). Her parents are livid with me and I think I'm being a complete horse's patootey for not "supporting her 100%, now that she's serious about making herself better". "This isn't about money, its about her getting better" they said. They have now cut off communications. Oh well. They'll be micromanaging and calling her now at the treatment center and checking on her weekly now, since they have finally somewhat realized what a mess she is and have been sucked into the black hole. I'm done with that.
If she comes out of this ANY different, I'll be amazed because what I am dealing with here is a textbook Borderline PD with narcististic PD layered on top of that, and someone who will never "get it".
I did get her to commit to a 2 month stay (1 more gold star for that), so the good news at this point is that I get to enjoy my Fall, my favorite time of the year! Honestly (and is crazy as it sounds) it might almost be worth the money she is screwing off, just knowing I'll have a couple of months of peace and quiet.
One of my friends said it best. He said to him it's like she's washed out to sea, floating hopelessly, ...drowning, .......and I'm standing on shore with a bouy on a rope, while she's saying "F" you and I hate you", and "throw it to me now you A-hole". Pretty true analogy I'd say. Guess I could untie the rope and then throw?
On her way out to the treatment center last night, she annouced that I HAD to get her mail and send it to her weekly and I HAD to taked her car in and get the Interlock she got from her DWI disconnected (becasue "I'd" have to pay $75 a month fee if the car wasn't taken in monthly while she was out. I told her I wasn't comfortable being involved in removing a court ordered Interlock, and she said "get over it, you have to help me, you've been a real jerk your entire life,..... and that's what defines you" and hung up on me. I told her she was on her own for the car and the mail unless I got a full and complete apology for that (to which she said "what'd I do?") I held firm, and later she texted me and said "til death do us part, in sickness and in health".
Ah, ........sick love,.......... ain't it sweet?
:uzi2:
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by outdoor1
later she texted me and said "til death do us part, in sickness and in health".
Ah, ........sick love,.......... ain't it sweet? :uzi2:
Ah, ........sick love,.......... ain't it sweet?
:uzi2:L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there outdoor, and pleased to meet you 
I'm sorry to hear you're going thru such hardships. I went thru something similar with my ex-wife, except with her it was pills and boyfriends.
That little analogy goes around the rooms of al-anon alot, and that's not quite the way it goes. The alcoholic is _not_ washed out to sea, floating hopelessly. They're face down in a puddle of booze they spilled out of a bottle. They _think_ they're drowning, and if they can get you to believe them .... well then they can get you to enable them into another bottle.
If you hand them the rope they are crying for, it's not going to save them. Cuz their face is still in the puddle. Hand them a copy of the AA or NA book, so they can use it to roll over with and get their face outta the puddle.
Have you ever rolled over a drunk that's puking face down on the floor? It's the most discusting thing in the world. You roll them over, they moan, and then they just roll right back over again. That's enabling: rolling them over when they're not done puking. Once they're done, they roll over on their own.
Been there, done that. It is the most painful thing in the world, to watch someone you love destroy themselves with an addiction. I think the "sick" part of "sick love" was for me that I was married to a person that didn't exist. Yes, there was a human being there, but she wasn't what I fantasized she was. For me it was _my_ disease of "codie-itis" that made me sick, _my_ sick need to believe in a fantasy that was just that: a fantasy.
The addict fantasizes that they can drug or drink and not suffer the consequences. In my codie-itis I made that fantasy true for my ex-wife. I fantasize that if I wish hard enough my fantasy will become real in the body of this woman that is standing in front of me. When I realized that this woman was not my wife, she just happened to be standing in front of me as I fantasized, that is when I started to heal.
I don't know if my experience applies to you, Outdoor. Take whatever works and leave the rest for the next guy. You are in my prayers every day, and so is your wife. Keep posting here, things will get better if you work on your own recovery, just like they have for me.
Mike
I'm sorry to hear you're going thru such hardships. I went thru something similar with my ex-wife, except with her it was pills and boyfriends.
Originally Posted by outdoor1
... He said to him it's like she's washed out to sea, floating hopelessly...
If you hand them the rope they are crying for, it's not going to save them. Cuz their face is still in the puddle. Hand them a copy of the AA or NA book, so they can use it to roll over with and get their face outta the puddle.
Have you ever rolled over a drunk that's puking face down on the floor? It's the most discusting thing in the world. You roll them over, they moan, and then they just roll right back over again. That's enabling: rolling them over when they're not done puking. Once they're done, they roll over on their own.
Originally Posted by outdoor1
... Ah, ........sick love,.......... ain't it sweet? ...
The addict fantasizes that they can drug or drink and not suffer the consequences. In my codie-itis I made that fantasy true for my ex-wife. I fantasize that if I wish hard enough my fantasy will become real in the body of this woman that is standing in front of me. When I realized that this woman was not my wife, she just happened to be standing in front of me as I fantasized, that is when I started to heal.
I don't know if my experience applies to you, Outdoor. Take whatever works and leave the rest for the next guy. You are in my prayers every day, and so is your wife. Keep posting here, things will get better if you work on your own recovery, just like they have for me.
Mike
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by outdoor1
On her way out to the treatment center last night, she annouced that I HAD to get her mail and send it to her weekly and I HAD to taked her car in and get the Interlock she got from her DWI disconnected (becasue "I'd" have to pay $75 a month fee if the car wasn't taken in monthly while she was out. I told her I wasn't comfortable being involved in removing a court ordered Interlock, and she said "get over it, you have to help me, you've been a real jerk your entire life,..... and that's what defines you" and hung up on me. I told her she was on her own for the car and the mail unless I got a full and complete apology for that (to which she said "what'd I do?") I held firm, and later she texted me and said "til death do us part, in sickness and in health".
Ah, ........sick love,.......... ain't it sweet? :uzi2:
Ah, ........sick love,.......... ain't it sweet?
:uzi2:Man, that really sucks. Have no words of wisdom, but hang in there and enjoy your two month reprieve.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
"Till death do us part...", how much deader could you be short of no pulse?
You are what you eat, she takes in poison and spews it out. Your spiritual death is something she will answer for. She has taken a blessing and used it as a vehicle to serve her own selfishness. Marriage is a partnership.
Again, how well versed she is in the vows she doesn't keep.
What she holds up in honor of Gods holy institution is a mockery and I'd have no part of that insult. It is her job to make your marriage an enviable thing.
Who would want what you have?
I would not waste my breath in telling her, but I would realize that as your marriage layed there dying of thirst, the only drink she offered was poison.
She said she would love you, honor you, cherish you. She said she'd be faithful to you forsaking all others. She's chosen her master. I'd be very careful not to listen to her perversions for the sake of your own soul.
There is no conversation to have with this woman.
Your marriage is dead. The thing is, it wasn't a natural death, she murdered it. She is a murderer.
My personal boundaries were born from this very realization. My life is based on my love for a Lord who does love me, so I know what love feels like.
Christ hung on a cross for me. I'm not going to be a part of anything that detracts from that. Your wife was blessed with a brain, she was blessed with a husband, she was blessed with arms and legs, she can raise a spoon to her own mouth.
I came to the point where I said, ENOUGH!
I don't yell, but I did that day. I swear lightening bolts shot from my fingertips.
I became embarrassed to pray for anything to The Lord that was not close to being the hub of my home.
When a wife decides she's more important than the Lord, she needs an awakening. I left that ******** perverted life and have been blessed ever since.
Be careful who you serve.
You are what you eat, she takes in poison and spews it out. Your spiritual death is something she will answer for. She has taken a blessing and used it as a vehicle to serve her own selfishness. Marriage is a partnership.
Again, how well versed she is in the vows she doesn't keep.
What she holds up in honor of Gods holy institution is a mockery and I'd have no part of that insult. It is her job to make your marriage an enviable thing.
Who would want what you have?
I would not waste my breath in telling her, but I would realize that as your marriage layed there dying of thirst, the only drink she offered was poison.
She said she would love you, honor you, cherish you. She said she'd be faithful to you forsaking all others. She's chosen her master. I'd be very careful not to listen to her perversions for the sake of your own soul.
There is no conversation to have with this woman.
Your marriage is dead. The thing is, it wasn't a natural death, she murdered it. She is a murderer.
My personal boundaries were born from this very realization. My life is based on my love for a Lord who does love me, so I know what love feels like.
Christ hung on a cross for me. I'm not going to be a part of anything that detracts from that. Your wife was blessed with a brain, she was blessed with a husband, she was blessed with arms and legs, she can raise a spoon to her own mouth.
I came to the point where I said, ENOUGH!
I don't yell, but I did that day. I swear lightening bolts shot from my fingertips.
I became embarrassed to pray for anything to The Lord that was not close to being the hub of my home.
When a wife decides she's more important than the Lord, she needs an awakening. I left that ******** perverted life and have been blessed ever since.
Be careful who you serve.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I'm also an AA member
here's a reminder for some AA members or maybe something a codi
has a hard time accepting.
AN ACTIVE ALCOLHOLIC IS INCAPIABLE OF LOVE. it's taken out of
the AA big book
not to blame or bash the alki, but when there's alcohol in my system
I'm not me...it's not me...it may look, dress and sound like me
but it's not me. You can bash me ,curse me out , hate me all
you want until you trun blue or try to talk sense into me.
it's not going to sink in..it won't work
I'm not there,it's not me.
you can pray for me...and that's about it.
and when I did sober up and came back...
i was a child trap in an adult's body depending how many years i was gone
or when alcoholism took over.
So you don't and didn't really know me to begin with.
how could you ???
I didn't even know who i was
here's a reminder for some AA members or maybe something a codi
has a hard time accepting.
AN ACTIVE ALCOLHOLIC IS INCAPIABLE OF LOVE. it's taken out of
the AA big book
not to blame or bash the alki, but when there's alcohol in my system
I'm not me...it's not me...it may look, dress and sound like me
but it's not me. You can bash me ,curse me out , hate me all
you want until you trun blue or try to talk sense into me.
it's not going to sink in..it won't work
I'm not there,it's not me.
you can pray for me...and that's about it.
and when I did sober up and came back...
i was a child trap in an adult's body depending how many years i was gone
or when alcoholism took over.
So you don't and didn't really know me to begin with.
how could you ???
I didn't even know who i was
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Well you have the sick part correct.
Now I’m going to be blunt, and yes I speak of MY own past experience for those who think I’m too harsh.
But alas there are children here and frankly their future is dangling here.
Realize that you have no one to blame but YOURSELF for the situation you are in.
You know the gator is there and every time you sit next to it’s bites you. But you keep going back.
She plays you well my friend, as they all do.
There comes a time when one needs to reach out the arm to the side of their body.
Bend their arm back to the center of their back and feel that bumpy thing the runs along the center of their body.
He that’s a spine!
Be a shining example to your kids and show them that one does not have to settle in a bad relationship.
This has nothing to do with compassion either, save that for those who help themselves. This has to do with a single-minded individual.
Get to some Alanon meetings they will help a great deal,
Now I’m going to be blunt, and yes I speak of MY own past experience for those who think I’m too harsh.
But alas there are children here and frankly their future is dangling here.
Realize that you have no one to blame but YOURSELF for the situation you are in.
You know the gator is there and every time you sit next to it’s bites you. But you keep going back.
She plays you well my friend, as they all do.
There comes a time when one needs to reach out the arm to the side of their body.
Bend their arm back to the center of their back and feel that bumpy thing the runs along the center of their body.
He that’s a spine!
Be a shining example to your kids and show them that one does not have to settle in a bad relationship.
This has nothing to do with compassion either, save that for those who help themselves. This has to do with a single-minded individual.
Get to some Alanon meetings they will help a great deal,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by tiburon88
A addict will get MUCH better care at Hazelton than he/she would at the Salvation Army! I mean come on people, think about it.
By the way, I was employed as a counselor for several years at some of the most prestigious and expensive recovery centers in southern california. I have also lived next door to the Salvation Army in Las Vegas. However, that is _not_ the subject of the original posters questions, so I will refrain from hijacking this thread with irrelevant comments.
Mike
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