Thoughts on a Saturday ...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Thoughts on a Saturday ...
Hi everyone ~
It is just past five months since XAH walked out on us. What a five months it’s been! Since then, we have gotten a divorce, the kids and I have moved in with my parents, we’ve emptied out the house, gotten rid of most of our stuff, repainted and put it on the market. The biggest change of all, for me, was admitting and acknowledging XAH was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Some people out in the world might say “How could you not acknowledge he was an alcoholic and an addict? Are you crazy?” At one point, I agreed with them. But thanks to Alanon, reading, and especially my wonderful friends at SR, I know better. I’m Jude, and I’m a Codependent.
It’ll be four months on Wednesday since I stumbled upon SR via Google. I had no idea at that time that SR would be the catalyst for such wonderful, enormous change in my life.
What’s happened in the past four months to make me feel that way? For the first time in my life I’m learning to live honestly. Through the things I’ve learned over the past few months, I’ve come to realize that my mother, who is an adult child of an alcoholic (and who is one of the most controlling people I’ve ever encountered) is codependent. I literally felt a weight lift off my shoulder when the cloud lifted and I realized it wasn’t my fault for being imperfect, she had a codependent need to try to control the enviroment around her. For the first time in 48 years, I am beginning to accept myself as I am when I am around her ~ not to try and “hide” myself to keep her from attacking. I am learning to set boundaries in a loving way, and to let go when she disapproves instead of being emotionally devastated.
I have also learned to be honest with my kids about Dad’s addiction and my part in the Dance. When I first told the kids the truth about XAH addictions, which I had fought for years to hide from them (with dubious success, of course) I thought I was being totally honest. But as I’ve grown, I’ve realized it’s just as important to talk to them about my codependency, and to try and help them from living the same way. My 13 year old daughter (a codie in training) is now getting counseling to try and let go of the Codependent behaviors I modeled for her.
There were a lot of bleak days in the last four months, days that were saved for me only by coming to SR and listening to what everyone had to say. I will be forever grateful to you all for the days when I needed to hear someone tell me I was okay, that I would be okay, and that you cared. Without that support, I never could have come so far.
So where am I now? Well, I’m miles from where I want to be, but I know I’m on the right road. This week has been amazing. I’m taking two classes , and have fallen head over heals for American Sign Language. What a miraculous experience ~ to have something to look forward to! I’m doing artwork for some new people, and enjoying my job as a Teaching Assistant more than ever. People at work come up to me all the time to tell me I look younger~ Hmmm, could the lack of stress help? I just spent some money on myself buying a bit of jewelry. I never felt worth it before.
Two amazing things happened yesterday. A friend emailed me about an opportunity to do some artwork for her company. I was driving along, making plans on what to do, when I literally felt the light go off in my head ~ XAH is gone, he has moved on …AND I AM STILL OKAY. I can draw. I can walk the dogs. I can laugh. I can get dressed up. I can learn. I can have friends. I’m good at my job. ME! Again, it sounds like a no-brainer to the outside world, but to a lot of us, it’s liberating!!
So, I wrote this epistle for three reasons. First, because I’m so darned happy I can finally allow myself to feel so darned happy. Second, to hopefully give hope to anyone just starting down the road. Keep going! You’ll take a lot of detours (I still have a lot ahead of me) but it’s all worth it. Last, thank you to all the amazing people here at SR. You have touched my life in ways I never imagined possible.
I’ll end with this ~ over the past few months I’ve dreamed hundreds of times about XAH ~ usually dreams where I did something to hurt him, or did something to get him back, etc. Last night I dreamt I sat at a table with X, his new girlfriend and enabling SIL. In the dream, it was okay. I talked to them like a normal human being, and said goodbye. I left them at the table in peace, and chose to leave and close the door behind me.
I’m okay just as I am And it’s great.
It is just past five months since XAH walked out on us. What a five months it’s been! Since then, we have gotten a divorce, the kids and I have moved in with my parents, we’ve emptied out the house, gotten rid of most of our stuff, repainted and put it on the market. The biggest change of all, for me, was admitting and acknowledging XAH was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Some people out in the world might say “How could you not acknowledge he was an alcoholic and an addict? Are you crazy?” At one point, I agreed with them. But thanks to Alanon, reading, and especially my wonderful friends at SR, I know better. I’m Jude, and I’m a Codependent.
It’ll be four months on Wednesday since I stumbled upon SR via Google. I had no idea at that time that SR would be the catalyst for such wonderful, enormous change in my life.
What’s happened in the past four months to make me feel that way? For the first time in my life I’m learning to live honestly. Through the things I’ve learned over the past few months, I’ve come to realize that my mother, who is an adult child of an alcoholic (and who is one of the most controlling people I’ve ever encountered) is codependent. I literally felt a weight lift off my shoulder when the cloud lifted and I realized it wasn’t my fault for being imperfect, she had a codependent need to try to control the enviroment around her. For the first time in 48 years, I am beginning to accept myself as I am when I am around her ~ not to try and “hide” myself to keep her from attacking. I am learning to set boundaries in a loving way, and to let go when she disapproves instead of being emotionally devastated.
I have also learned to be honest with my kids about Dad’s addiction and my part in the Dance. When I first told the kids the truth about XAH addictions, which I had fought for years to hide from them (with dubious success, of course) I thought I was being totally honest. But as I’ve grown, I’ve realized it’s just as important to talk to them about my codependency, and to try and help them from living the same way. My 13 year old daughter (a codie in training) is now getting counseling to try and let go of the Codependent behaviors I modeled for her.
There were a lot of bleak days in the last four months, days that were saved for me only by coming to SR and listening to what everyone had to say. I will be forever grateful to you all for the days when I needed to hear someone tell me I was okay, that I would be okay, and that you cared. Without that support, I never could have come so far.
So where am I now? Well, I’m miles from where I want to be, but I know I’m on the right road. This week has been amazing. I’m taking two classes , and have fallen head over heals for American Sign Language. What a miraculous experience ~ to have something to look forward to! I’m doing artwork for some new people, and enjoying my job as a Teaching Assistant more than ever. People at work come up to me all the time to tell me I look younger~ Hmmm, could the lack of stress help? I just spent some money on myself buying a bit of jewelry. I never felt worth it before.
Two amazing things happened yesterday. A friend emailed me about an opportunity to do some artwork for her company. I was driving along, making plans on what to do, when I literally felt the light go off in my head ~ XAH is gone, he has moved on …AND I AM STILL OKAY. I can draw. I can walk the dogs. I can laugh. I can get dressed up. I can learn. I can have friends. I’m good at my job. ME! Again, it sounds like a no-brainer to the outside world, but to a lot of us, it’s liberating!!
So, I wrote this epistle for three reasons. First, because I’m so darned happy I can finally allow myself to feel so darned happy. Second, to hopefully give hope to anyone just starting down the road. Keep going! You’ll take a lot of detours (I still have a lot ahead of me) but it’s all worth it. Last, thank you to all the amazing people here at SR. You have touched my life in ways I never imagined possible.
I’ll end with this ~ over the past few months I’ve dreamed hundreds of times about XAH ~ usually dreams where I did something to hurt him, or did something to get him back, etc. Last night I dreamt I sat at a table with X, his new girlfriend and enabling SIL. In the dream, it was okay. I talked to them like a normal human being, and said goodbye. I left them at the table in peace, and chose to leave and close the door behind me.
I’m okay just as I am And it’s great.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Thanks for this post Jude. It IS inspirational to those of us newbies who just found SR and Alanon, and taking our first steps. You sound great.
SR is wonderful. I find it therapeutic to post and ramble. It gets it all out into the open where I can get a good look at myself. And it helps me not feel so alone when others share. I appreciate some of the crosstalk at SR that I don't get at the Alanon meetings too.
Maybe one day I can give back like some of the vets here. Love you all.
SR is wonderful. I find it therapeutic to post and ramble. It gets it all out into the open where I can get a good look at myself. And it helps me not feel so alone when others share. I appreciate some of the crosstalk at SR that I don't get at the Alanon meetings too.
Maybe one day I can give back like some of the vets here. Love you all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
thanks for sharing, jude. ain't it grand???? it's just absolutely grand! it's beyond grand.
the sense of peace, sense of serenity, sense of self-growth, sense of worthiness, sense of self, sense of clarity.....just grand!
i wish you the best......there are many more wonders awaiting you....just wait till you experience them.....you will having angels flying outta your bum while whistling
your favorite song. sometimes, i feel downright high from happiness. not to say i still don't have days that i waller in the well of misery.....but they come few and far between now.
you sound so healthy.....and i agree.....sr was a huge catalyst for me to find myself again.
many, big, huge, grand hugs to you
jeri
the sense of peace, sense of serenity, sense of self-growth, sense of worthiness, sense of self, sense of clarity.....just grand!
i wish you the best......there are many more wonders awaiting you....just wait till you experience them.....you will having angels flying outta your bum while whistling
your favorite song. sometimes, i feel downright high from happiness. not to say i still don't have days that i waller in the well of misery.....but they come few and far between now.
you sound so healthy.....and i agree.....sr was a huge catalyst for me to find myself again.
many, big, huge, grand hugs to you
jeri
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
It's funny how time DOES change things even though we think it never will.
You know when they leave us, like mine did also, they feel there life will get better.
But truth is ours did.
At time I felt God just said, "ENOUGH".
You know when they leave us, like mine did also, they feel there life will get better.
But truth is ours did.
At time I felt God just said, "ENOUGH".
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
