Well, today is the day.

Old 09-21-2007, 08:45 AM
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Guess what, I'm not crazy.
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Well, today is the day.

For the last week my ah and I have hardly spoke. I have been nice and he has stayed distant but not angry. We go to our first couples counceling today. It will be nice to get validated by someone else in front of him. Maybe then he will see what he is doing to me and to us. Not saying thats going to fix things and we will be all better. It may be what leads us to divorce. I don't know, I just know I will be holding my ground. If he drinks then I must leave the relationship. I know I'm right and even if the counceler were to say other wise (I know she wont) I know I can't live like this and don't want to any longer.

If he wants to think it's about me controling him, then fine. Let him think that, BUT DON'T DRINK! I am done crying and saying (IF YOU LOVED ME) (WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME) I am done being a victome. It's time for me to stand up for my self and I am ready! Today is my day!

Today, what is most important is me. My happyness, my sanity. I want my joy back! If he wants his beer then fine. He can have the beer and I will have the joy. Pray for me, pray that I don't back down and wither like a weed in the desert. Right here and right now I feel stronger than anyone but I know me..... I can change with the wind.
D
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Old 09-21-2007, 08:58 AM
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hi lost

well, when my xh and i went to counseling i had the exact ideas that you had.

boy, was i in for an eyeopener.....now, this is just my experience.

i was shocked when the counselor not only did not validate what i was sure she would validate, but she turned so much of it back onto me.....for instance, she deeply questioned me about my role in our relationship, and why i kept choosing to stay involved in trying to fix my ex. she asked me why i thought i was so right about how things should be, and why i felt entitled to take on the role of savior....she also asked me what gave me the idea that i felt so knowledgeable about what was right.

although his addiction was discussed, it was mostly supportive and what he wanted to do about his addiction....was he really ready to gain sobriety and recovery.

she focused on how much i was enabling him.

i went away so pissed that she didn't whoop up on him with me. it seemed it was all about me and my attitude, while he was the addict!!!!

took me a long time to understand all that.

couples counseling can be tricky, because each person is looking for validation that they are the one who is right and the other one is whacked.

best to you and i hope you have a good session.

hugs
jeri
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Old 09-21-2007, 09:05 AM
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Same here. I went in there thinking "Finally, someone is going to see how right I am and how wrong he is!" Boy, was I disappointed. But it was the beginning of taking a long, hard look at myself. And I believe I am much richer for it, even though it hurt like hell at the time.

Try to keep an open mind.

L
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Old 09-21-2007, 09:24 AM
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What matters is figuring out and knowing what you want for your life. The right and wrong of each person will matter less and less.

Good luck and take care.
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Old 09-21-2007, 09:32 AM
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ditto, ltd...try to keep an open mind.

i'll confess something that was just a symptom of my own thinking at the time.....i left that session paniced because i thought she wanted me out of the way so she could have him!!!! now, how crazy is that???? i never voiced that to anyone, but i thought it was a strong possibility because he is so good looking, and can really come accross as a charmer when he needs to .......can appear quiet, intelligent, mysterious, thoughtful.......i thought she was all googly eyed over him!

i'm much better now, thank god.

lost.....like ltd suggests......just keep an open mind and expect the unexpected.
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Old 09-21-2007, 09:49 AM
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Originally Posted by lostnfound1961 View Post
It's time for me to stand up for my self and I am ready! Today is my day!
Today IS your day! If this is what you feel in your gut then just do it! You won't regret it!

Originally Posted by lostnfound1961 View Post
Today, what is most important is me. My happyness, my sanity. I want my joy back!
Keep repeating this to yourself!

Originally Posted by lostnfound1961 View Post
Pray for me, pray that I don't back down and wither like a weed in the desert. Right here and right now I feel stronger than anyone but I know me..... I can change with the wind.
I'm saying a prayer for you! I know how hard this is....plus, I'm a wind-tumbler myself!
But you just come to a point when enough is enough!!

Hugs and Prayers!!
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Old 09-21-2007, 10:50 AM
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Guess what, I'm not crazy.
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AHHHHHHH I wrote this big response to all of you and deleted it!!!!!!

Oh well it turned into a rant anyway. I plan to write some notes before going and while we are there. I will keep an open mined and do my part. But the bottom line is this. I can jump through all the hoops in the world but if he is drinking it will be for nothing. I am going to be 46 in novermer and I would like to have a chance in this life to be happy before my face turns into a road map.
Thanks for the feedback and I update you on Monday.
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Old 09-21-2007, 02:16 PM
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i was shocked when the counselor not only did not validate what i was sure she would validate, but she turned so much of it back onto me.....for instance, she deeply questioned me about my role in our relationship, and why i kept choosing to stay involved in trying to fix my ex. she asked me why i thought i was so right about how things should be, and why i felt entitled to take on the role of savior....she also asked me what gave me the idea that i felt so knowledgeable about what was right.



You took the words right out of my mouth, Embraced! I went to MC when my marriage was in a crisis and I had this idea that the counsellor was going to see my side and give then-H all kinds of crap for HIS behaviour. Not at all! As in your experience, she turned it back on me. Quite an upsetting moment and what bothered me the most was the smug look on then-H's face. Well, MC lasted all of two sessions but I kept going individually. That period of my life was the real beginning of the ME-work and when I began to embrace the idea that the only person I could control was myself.

It makes US feel better when we can blame others for what is wrong but as long as you keep wanting to create a my side/their side dynamic, you are still caught in co-dependent behaviour.

ARL
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Old 09-21-2007, 04:53 PM
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awwww, yes reallady....i remember that smug face on my x, too. i was not in recovery at the time and felt insulted, humiliated, and madder than a wet hen.

how could she????? couldn't she take one look and see he was the whacko????

lololololo

but, it was a beginning for me to look at myself and my motives. it sure didn't happen overnight, in fact it took 4 years for me to accept i was not blessed with the ability to fix the unfixable, and to accept that i was not omnipotent, and that god hadn't chosen me to be his right hand man.

it all helped me to understand many things about myself, so i will be grateful for the experience.....although i did not like it.....not one damn bit!!!
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Old 09-23-2007, 01:16 AM
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So, how did it go? Hang in there!
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