no contact, but tempted
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
no contact, but tempted
I have really been struggling with the no contact situation here, with my AexBF/sons dad. Its been 8 whole days, but seems like an eternity.
Practically, I am calmer, clearer, and getting more things done toward picking my life back up than I have in about a year...BUt, he is texting and calling about 3-4 times a day. I miss him, I am still attracted to him, and he is sending me charming texts, making little jokes in his messages, being very respectful, and funny.
I know he is jonesing for interaction with me, so that he can bounce his self loathing off of me, and I KNOW that that is NOT what I want, right now. But there is a nagging part of me that wants to tell him why I just stopped dealing at all, and explain myself, and make sure he knows that I do want him to be well.That I care, that I will be there as a co parent if he decides to pull it together.
I know that he will take me down with him. He will use me, and leave me in pain. I know that he is not past that yet, because he is still VERY active in his addiction. It so much feels like one of those horror flicks, where the friend has become one of the Zombie killers, and even though they look and sound like someone you love, and that loves you, you have to remember that they are a zombie, and they will eat you if given the chance.
I am gaining ground, and I feel better than last week, but I am really struggling to not text back, or to call...I am withdrawing over here, too.And I guess maybe need to start grieving a little bit.
Practically, I am calmer, clearer, and getting more things done toward picking my life back up than I have in about a year...BUt, he is texting and calling about 3-4 times a day. I miss him, I am still attracted to him, and he is sending me charming texts, making little jokes in his messages, being very respectful, and funny.
I know he is jonesing for interaction with me, so that he can bounce his self loathing off of me, and I KNOW that that is NOT what I want, right now. But there is a nagging part of me that wants to tell him why I just stopped dealing at all, and explain myself, and make sure he knows that I do want him to be well.That I care, that I will be there as a co parent if he decides to pull it together.
I know that he will take me down with him. He will use me, and leave me in pain. I know that he is not past that yet, because he is still VERY active in his addiction. It so much feels like one of those horror flicks, where the friend has become one of the Zombie killers, and even though they look and sound like someone you love, and that loves you, you have to remember that they are a zombie, and they will eat you if given the chance.
I am gaining ground, and I feel better than last week, but I am really struggling to not text back, or to call...I am withdrawing over here, too.And I guess maybe need to start grieving a little bit.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
buffalo....i was so addicted to my ex, that it was unreal. it was part of my illness. if trying to control my addiction to him, is as tough as trying to get sober, then i truly understand addiction.
i needed "a fix" of him periodically, but it all turned out the same. my heart would be all mushy-gushy to see him, just soak up the air around him, to smell him, to just feel him.....and i would be thinking that he would be feeling the same.
so i would relent and see him. it would be only minutes before he was throwing his toxicity towards me and i would think....good grief....what have i done?????
we never shared any children together, so i didn't have that to deal with, but i sure was addicted to him.
best to you
jeri
i needed "a fix" of him periodically, but it all turned out the same. my heart would be all mushy-gushy to see him, just soak up the air around him, to smell him, to just feel him.....and i would be thinking that he would be feeling the same.
so i would relent and see him. it would be only minutes before he was throwing his toxicity towards me and i would think....good grief....what have i done?????
we never shared any children together, so i didn't have that to deal with, but i sure was addicted to him.
best to you
jeri
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Oh yes, I remember it well. And he knew all the right things to say and do to get me thinking maybe.........just maybe.................
Journaling helped me get through the rough part. I wrote down everything I felt and somehow seeing it in words, rather than feeling it swirl in my mind helped me to be clearer about what I could and couldn't tolerate.
L
Journaling helped me get through the rough part. I wrote down everything I felt and somehow seeing it in words, rather than feeling it swirl in my mind helped me to be clearer about what I could and couldn't tolerate.
L
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
I miss him, I am still attracted to him
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
I know he is jonesing for interaction with me
I know that he will take me down with him.
He will use me, and leave me in pain.
he is still VERY active in his addiction.
I know that he will take me down with him.
He will use me, and leave me in pain.
he is still VERY active in his addiction.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by denny57
I needed to find out what made me think I was still "attracted" to someone who I KNEW would cause me pain. I used my obsessing about the contact/no contact to avoid dealing with my own problems.
I no longer want to go back to the pain-I have worked so hard and still a work in progress to know that pain keeps me stuck-I get sick....and I just am plan NOT HAPPY!
As LaTeeDa said-about journaling-it helps writing down things and then looking back on it-Reading books, taking a bath, running, going for a walk with my dogs-it helped me to get back to me! It allowed me to be ME! Centered and happy! It helped me to be who I always longed to be with no one telling me otherwise! And then I knew that it was not only him it was me that also had the problem! I was addicted to pain, it was the only thing I ever knew!
Be gentle with you!
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
ohhhhhhhhhh,,brother Buff,,this takes me back, and dope slaps me into TODAY!!!
I'll be honest, in the begining, I would set the no contact rule and break it about a million times.
Not that I'm an expert or anything,,,he,he,he,,,It's only been 2 months, but on a positive, its the longest with no contact I've been able to go so far.
When examining why I let that million times happen, I relaized it was because I was not focused on my own recovery. Sure, the "tools" were there. I was "working" a program so I thought. But truth be known, I was renting space in my head AND heart to him, and not playing the tape through. The book, "Getting them Sober" described me to a tee, "Romancing the past, forgetting the truth".
Your doing the right thing. Reaching out for help. We can't do it for you, as this is TRULY your decision. But we can share. I for one will share, it gets easier, that old adage, "time heals all wounds".
As far as not texting or calling back? I fianlly gave up my phone. Hard. It was my work phone. But the only number he had. Got a new one, different number. now I don't know if he calls. Hardly ever care,,,lol. But today, he "snuck" an email through. In the not so recent past, I would be "twisting" about contact. Cause yes, I still "care",,what I use for wanting him to hear MY side still. lol But I've learned instead to embrace AND desperately CLING sometimes to my program. Instead of responding, I came to SR, looked up a "nooner" al anon meeting and plan to spend my lunch time filling one of those chairs.
I should be good focused on that goal. Oh,,and go figure maybe I'll do soem actual WORK too!!!!
Stay Strong Buff
Peace
I'll be honest, in the begining, I would set the no contact rule and break it about a million times.
Not that I'm an expert or anything,,,he,he,he,,,It's only been 2 months, but on a positive, its the longest with no contact I've been able to go so far.
When examining why I let that million times happen, I relaized it was because I was not focused on my own recovery. Sure, the "tools" were there. I was "working" a program so I thought. But truth be known, I was renting space in my head AND heart to him, and not playing the tape through. The book, "Getting them Sober" described me to a tee, "Romancing the past, forgetting the truth".
Your doing the right thing. Reaching out for help. We can't do it for you, as this is TRULY your decision. But we can share. I for one will share, it gets easier, that old adage, "time heals all wounds".
As far as not texting or calling back? I fianlly gave up my phone. Hard. It was my work phone. But the only number he had. Got a new one, different number. now I don't know if he calls. Hardly ever care,,,lol. But today, he "snuck" an email through. In the not so recent past, I would be "twisting" about contact. Cause yes, I still "care",,what I use for wanting him to hear MY side still. lol But I've learned instead to embrace AND desperately CLING sometimes to my program. Instead of responding, I came to SR, looked up a "nooner" al anon meeting and plan to spend my lunch time filling one of those chairs.
I should be good focused on that goal. Oh,,and go figure maybe I'll do soem actual WORK too!!!!Stay Strong Buff
Peace
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
In our own recovery it is important that we don't hand someone the recipe to our own demise. You want to talk to him, explain to him. The fact that you have no contact should leave him to figure it out.
Wouldn't everything you want to tell him realy be that recipe. You know the reasons.
If you tell him the reasons, how would you ever know that his words and actions weren't contrived to get what he wants?
You said he is the father of your baby. You didn't say he was your husband. In my outdated overly moral judgement of that, he may have all the fluffy words, he does not understand the foundations. Your parents wanted more for you than to be the mother of your boyfriends baby.
To have what you want you have to stick to your own recipe.
In my humble opinion, you could contact him but if you do it would be like putting a bandaid on an amputation.
Not one thing has really changed except that he's schmoozing you.
Doens't that make you feel like a big fat trout? His fluffy words should insult you. He is just casting you worms tempting you to take the bate. If you do,he'll just reel you in.
I know that sounds harsh. If sitting and listening to you explain things is what it takes for him to get you back, he'll not only listen, he'll probably shed a few tears for effect as well. He does feel sorry, he feels sorry for himself.
He will reach out to you, he will grab on to you and then he'll drown you to save himself.
His attempts at levity and humor should be very revealing to you. Is there anyting funny about any of this?
Wouldn't everything you want to tell him realy be that recipe. You know the reasons.
If you tell him the reasons, how would you ever know that his words and actions weren't contrived to get what he wants?
You said he is the father of your baby. You didn't say he was your husband. In my outdated overly moral judgement of that, he may have all the fluffy words, he does not understand the foundations. Your parents wanted more for you than to be the mother of your boyfriends baby.
To have what you want you have to stick to your own recipe.
In my humble opinion, you could contact him but if you do it would be like putting a bandaid on an amputation.
Not one thing has really changed except that he's schmoozing you.
Doens't that make you feel like a big fat trout? His fluffy words should insult you. He is just casting you worms tempting you to take the bate. If you do,he'll just reel you in.
I know that sounds harsh. If sitting and listening to you explain things is what it takes for him to get you back, he'll not only listen, he'll probably shed a few tears for effect as well. He does feel sorry, he feels sorry for himself.
He will reach out to you, he will grab on to you and then he'll drown you to save himself.
His attempts at levity and humor should be very revealing to you. Is there anyting funny about any of this?
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