therapy rambling...please, someone that understands!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
therapy rambling...please, someone that understands!
okay, i left my therapy session pretty upset last night. i really don't think this woman really understands addiction.
you all know what a tough decision at 35 not trying to have children with my ah is for me and what a tough decision to get a divorce is. so, she tells me last night that i really need to look at the impact not having kids at 35 will have on my life. that it is sad that this decision revolves around whether he drinks or not. she went on about how i don't know how he will react if we would have children and that he could change and if he ever were to try to hurt the children in any way that i could step in and intervene and prevent him from doing it and that i could leave and get child support and that i will have great resentment towards him if i don't have children because i have a definite time issue at my age.
is this woman for real? okay, does she know how much i hurt over this? that i think about it everyday? that i have debated it and debated it until i just can't anymore. you know, it has taken me a lot of time to feel as strong as i do and to get as far as i have and she deflates me like that and puts more doubt and guilt in my head like that.
you all know what a tough decision at 35 not trying to have children with my ah is for me and what a tough decision to get a divorce is. so, she tells me last night that i really need to look at the impact not having kids at 35 will have on my life. that it is sad that this decision revolves around whether he drinks or not. she went on about how i don't know how he will react if we would have children and that he could change and if he ever were to try to hurt the children in any way that i could step in and intervene and prevent him from doing it and that i could leave and get child support and that i will have great resentment towards him if i don't have children because i have a definite time issue at my age.
is this woman for real? okay, does she know how much i hurt over this? that i think about it everyday? that i have debated it and debated it until i just can't anymore. you know, it has taken me a lot of time to feel as strong as i do and to get as far as i have and she deflates me like that and puts more doubt and guilt in my head like that.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Always trust your instincts...and if they are telling you that her opinion is not approp. for you, it is not. And it is just that, her opinion. All therapists are different from one another. I went to several before I found one that is just right.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
While I agree with everyone who typed before me, I do see some logic in what she is saying to you. I think she is trying to get you to understand that you have choices. That you are not a victim in this. She is laying out the options so that YOU make the choice. I seriously doubt that she is encouraging you to have children with an addict, but rather trying to show you that this is YOUR choice. Because you will never feel good about your choices if you blame them on him. The only way you can be empowered is to take back your power. You CHOOSE not to have children with him because you are a smart, realistic person with the power to make the right choice. Not because HE has vicitmized you into a childless life. Now, what choice will you make for yourself?
JMHO,
L
JMHO,
L
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 34
Hi
I also had a therapist that didn't understand addiction. My ah husband and I went and talked openly about the drinking. The shrink was optimistic and said we could try 'modifying' the husband's drinking behavior, instead of abstinance. I doubted it deep inside, but wanted to try it. The trial periods failed over and over. When I would report the bad results with details of black-outs, the dr. didn't seem to 'get' it that this ia a BIG problem. I was very clear when I explained the extreme and sick behavior. Then my husband went alone to talk to the doc. The doc said - ok for a month, don't drink!!! Like dangling a carrot! I was shocked and was mad for that stupid idea. It just lead my husband to think - hmmmm maybe someday I can be magically cured and have beers again! Meanwhile I was feeling awful about it all. Dumb.
I also had a therapist that didn't understand addiction. My ah husband and I went and talked openly about the drinking. The shrink was optimistic and said we could try 'modifying' the husband's drinking behavior, instead of abstinance. I doubted it deep inside, but wanted to try it. The trial periods failed over and over. When I would report the bad results with details of black-outs, the dr. didn't seem to 'get' it that this ia a BIG problem. I was very clear when I explained the extreme and sick behavior. Then my husband went alone to talk to the doc. The doc said - ok for a month, don't drink!!! Like dangling a carrot! I was shocked and was mad for that stupid idea. It just lead my husband to think - hmmmm maybe someday I can be magically cured and have beers again! Meanwhile I was feeling awful about it all. Dumb.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Wow, that sounds horrible & I am upset for you! I am 25 with an AH for 3 years and I also worry--about getting married/kids--and that I shouldn't waste any more time waiting around & hoping he will change.
Also, good for you--you are very strong I had an grew up with an AH parent and man did it mess me up--I vowed never to bring kids into a situation like that! (I hope I am as strong as you!)
But, yea, I'm sure you are aware: time for a new therapist....did you try interviewing them first about their specializations? Or like denny57 said, get a referral...
Also, good for you--you are very strong I had an grew up with an AH parent and man did it mess me up--I vowed never to bring kids into a situation like that! (I hope I am as strong as you!)
But, yea, I'm sure you are aware: time for a new therapist....did you try interviewing them first about their specializations? Or like denny57 said, get a referral...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
You should never feel this uncomfortable with someone you're paying to help you heal.
This sounds imho like the wrong therapeutic relationship for you right now. One that is experienced with addiction would definitely be a step up. Good for you, for seeking help...now hopefully you will be able to find someone more appropriate for you.
FYI, it often takes a couple of tries to find the right counselor. Try not to be discouraged...it happens all the time.
This sounds imho like the wrong therapeutic relationship for you right now. One that is experienced with addiction would definitely be a step up. Good for you, for seeking help...now hopefully you will be able to find someone more appropriate for you.
FYI, it often takes a couple of tries to find the right counselor. Try not to be discouraged...it happens all the time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Time to find someone new.........like your AH you need to take control. Also, don't be afraid to question your Therapist on what she is trying to say. She might be trying to get you to see something you have a blind spot about.....or she might be out of touch! Least ways you'll know. You CAN ask.........
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
That sure does sound like lousy advice to me too. Oh sure, bring one or two children into the world so they can witness one of the parents drowning himself to death, and doing God knows what to them. And witness the mother going through year after year of trying to keep it all together. That's telling you to perpetuate the cycle? I'd run to a new therapist, but JMHO.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
HopeAngel,
I am sorry that you are having a hard, confusing hurtful time. I have learned that it is so important to feel comfortable with your therapist. I know that it is good to go to a therapist that has experience/training in the issues that we deal with in our lives.
I was married to an AH and got pregnant because I thought that what I was supposed to be doing because I wanted that. I didn't really look at what kind of father my AH would be. I had never done this before. I was hearing my biological clock gong in my ear, I just wanted babies. We got pregnant. I went to the hospital to get confirmation and called him at around 1100 in the morning. He was soooooo wasted he had no idea that I called. I was in so denial about it. Man, we were still just engaged and not yet married but happy to be trying to start our family because I was looking at the bio clock and wanted to start our family because I was going to deploy if we weren't pregnant. So, we lost the baby. He was absolutely non-emotional about the whole thing. I wanted to tell the extended family about it so they wouldn't call and inquire- he would not have that. So I called my family and let him handle his.
We got married. We were going to try to have babies again and he kept pushing it off and turning it on. Finally I realized that I had no idea he was up to and his drinking just continued to increase, the insanity mounted and mounted. I decided that he was too crazy to have babies with, no matter how bad I wanted them. In fact, I realized that I needed to leave him. So I started prepping to deploy and filed for seperation.
It broke my heart. It crushed me, I felt like I was walking away from what was supposed to be and what I always wanted. But on the other hand, I wasn't hanging on to something that just couldn't be what I thought he was, what he said he wanted to be. I was 36 and thinking that I will never have kids.
Well here I am in Iraq at 37 will be 38 in Feb, almost divorced and have no kids. I am not sure I never will but for today I don't have any. I am just telling you my experience not giving advice. I have always had choices and there are consequences. Today, I am at peace knowing that I will not put a child thru what I went thru as a child with that man. I am glad I will not have child tied to a drunk. I am at peace and happier than I have been in a long time and I sure hope you find happiness really soon.
I know that God will not let anything we are supposed to have pass us by. So God is going to take care of me and I just had / have to trust in that whatever that means.
Big Hugs
I am sorry that you are having a hard, confusing hurtful time. I have learned that it is so important to feel comfortable with your therapist. I know that it is good to go to a therapist that has experience/training in the issues that we deal with in our lives.
I was married to an AH and got pregnant because I thought that what I was supposed to be doing because I wanted that. I didn't really look at what kind of father my AH would be. I had never done this before. I was hearing my biological clock gong in my ear, I just wanted babies. We got pregnant. I went to the hospital to get confirmation and called him at around 1100 in the morning. He was soooooo wasted he had no idea that I called. I was in so denial about it. Man, we were still just engaged and not yet married but happy to be trying to start our family because I was looking at the bio clock and wanted to start our family because I was going to deploy if we weren't pregnant. So, we lost the baby. He was absolutely non-emotional about the whole thing. I wanted to tell the extended family about it so they wouldn't call and inquire- he would not have that. So I called my family and let him handle his.
We got married. We were going to try to have babies again and he kept pushing it off and turning it on. Finally I realized that I had no idea he was up to and his drinking just continued to increase, the insanity mounted and mounted. I decided that he was too crazy to have babies with, no matter how bad I wanted them. In fact, I realized that I needed to leave him. So I started prepping to deploy and filed for seperation.
It broke my heart. It crushed me, I felt like I was walking away from what was supposed to be and what I always wanted. But on the other hand, I wasn't hanging on to something that just couldn't be what I thought he was, what he said he wanted to be. I was 36 and thinking that I will never have kids.
Well here I am in Iraq at 37 will be 38 in Feb, almost divorced and have no kids. I am not sure I never will but for today I don't have any. I am just telling you my experience not giving advice. I have always had choices and there are consequences. Today, I am at peace knowing that I will not put a child thru what I went thru as a child with that man. I am glad I will not have child tied to a drunk. I am at peace and happier than I have been in a long time and I sure hope you find happiness really soon.
I know that God will not let anything we are supposed to have pass us by. So God is going to take care of me and I just had / have to trust in that whatever that means.
Big Hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
