CBrown

When I was still with the XAB, there was always a drama going on, or something he needed done, or a crisis. It was definitely a manic ride in a very scary, ego-centric horror park.

So since he's exited my life for skankier fields, I find myself adrift. It's like having lived in a hurricane for nine months, and then coming to the day after the storm moves on.

Anyone else have this experience? I have so much time on my hands! I have a lot of options of what I want to do, but what DO I want to do? For once, it's all about me, and it's confusing! I know, its time to take care of me and move on, but it feels so WEIRD! It's like I lost my identity and his took over. Now I'm wondering who the heck I am. Do I want to date? Hmm, not yet. Do I want to have a little bit of a wild time with friends? Ack, who wants to party? Do I want to work harder at my career? No, my heart isn't in a career at my age. I don't do anything but sit around and ponder the silence and lack of things to do! Honestly I don't think I want to do anything but sit and rest!

Is this a stage?

Barbara52

Its odd how the absence of drama and general life "noise" that was associated with our As can leave a hole for a while. I too found it odd to realize how much time I had available, how quiet life was. It took a while but I realized too that this is the normal state of being for me (I suspect for most folks who don't have an addict or a serious health problem or something similar in their lives).

There ain't nothing wrong with just sitting and enjoying the peace you are experiencing. Many will envy that I'm sure. Use the time to figure out who you are becoming and what you want to do going forward. {hugs}

I find myself enjoying the peace and enjoying doing quiet things like reading and counted cross stitch. Even work has become more enjoyable.

lovtolaff

I'm still with my ABF but I will say that I know exactly where you are coming from. If we ever break up, I too will NOT know what to do with myself. For the past year, it's always been about him and his damn drama. Before he came along - I enjoyed my nice, clean, peaceful home; my well manicured lawn; my go to bed early if i want to nights - but since he "the hurricane" came into my life - I'm not sure how I would handle peace and quiet right now. Can you say "addicted to drama?"

Maybe you feel unsure of what you want to do because you just aren't ready to do any of it yet. And I guess you could look at it this way - it's OK that you aren't doing anything, there is no one there to tell you otherwise. You'll get back into the swing of things - one thing - just be here to remind me of that when my time comes.

embraced2000

yes, the silence is deafening after leaving the chaos.

so, like the good codie that i am, i created my own crisis and drama for awhile after me and my xh split. for awhile i made things feel just like they were when he was still here. but that didn't work for very long. i run out of things to over react to.

so i began my road to recovery. i put as much energy into that as i did into trying to live with the chaos and insanity. it took awhile, but the effort was well worth it.

do you attend al-anon? that was my beginning point.

hugs to you
jeri

CBrown

I went to one Al-anon meeting, the Holidays came around, and I didn't go back. There is at the church I attend, a meeting called "Celebrate Recovery" which seems like it is 12-step and purpose-driven focused. I may go to some meetings when it doesn't interfere with work.

Embraced, you are right! I was bored inbetween jobs today, so what do I do? Do some long-distance snooping on the XABF. He blew $15K on something, and it got me stewing. I bet he bought that little convertible WE were supposed to be driving around in. Screeeeech! I stopped that thought faster than I'd ever stopped a thought about him before. It is not my business what he spends his money on. He worked for it, he is entitled to blow it all. The past month he has been determined to do things that he knows are revenge for me drawing the line on his addiction. He only wins if I let him. As for ME, I've being going out camping in my new travel trailer and having a great time. Had he been committed to US he would have been traveling with me. Sorry, if it's not about US it's going to be about ME. Suit yourself, have a nice life.

((LovtoLaff)), we'll remind you when the time comes.

mike_mass

I think so many of us are conditioned for chaos that the stillness seems so strange. I for one am coming to enjoy it.

sunshine321

Since everyone has a different life, I'd imagine the quiet effects everyone differently. Go back to Al-Anon and work on your recovery. There aren't enough hours in the day if I read all the material I could be reading to help myself. I'm just getting into CoDa books. I'm planning to order a bunch and that should keep me busy for quite a while between that and the Al-Anon literature. Going to meetings keeps me busy. I wish I could go to one everyday but my real life doesn't allow the time for it. Enjoy the peace and quiet. You'll get used to it the same way you got used to the drama.

Jenny

Mair

I'm finding the silence deafning at the moment, weird thing is if my xab calls or i see him drunk i am so glad that im not part of it and cherish the silence in my life. it's just when i know that he's sober and nice that i miss him and get bored with the silence. it's nutty behaviour, but part of the course i suppose.

i cant wait to be totally over with this.

Mair

CBrown

Mike you're right. I split with the XABF in 2005 and had a year and a half of peace. I used to think "life's kinda boring, but at least it's an honest boredom." Then I found out that his health had gone to hell, got sucked back into the drama, and thought "oh, how I miss the quiet life when he wasn't around", and now I'm lost without the chaos. Geez, there is just no pleasing me! LOL

lovtolaff

"I'm finding the silence deafning at the moment, weird thing is if my xab calls or i see him drunk i am so glad that im not part of it and cherish the silence in my life. it's just when i know that he's sober and nice that i miss him and get bored with the silence. it's nutty behaviour, but part of the course i suppose.

i cant wait to be totally over with this."

I could have wrote this almost word for word.

hbb

I too was with my exab for 9 months and it was total drama, i know how you feel. Once the silence came, i thought to myself "what a boring life i have" but that's not it now that im a bit clearer. It's that my life is much more healthier than the way he lives his life. It's almost a sigh of relief at times without constant family, calls early or late night, kids.....it was nuts for me too!! I had to get busy living my life again, that i put on hold

good_luck

I can totally relate to this posting on a couple of levels. First, it's hard to adjust to peace, even if it's something that we crave. For a while, I lived on an island without phone, tv, and sometimes even electricity. It took me about a month, maybe two, until I stopped being driven crazy by the calm. After that, I finally slowed down, and found myself the most content that I had ever been, or really have been since. So it was ultimately great, but the adjustment was hard.

And as for finding my life and myself boring now. I think that too, sometimes, and it is freaking hilarious that my brain could even entertain that thought. Because dating a drunk is dramatic, but it is BORING! It is the same thing over and over, and I know that my friends and family (and me) have long since stopped being interested in any of it. When I am with the alcoholic, that is what I talk about. I'd rather have an interest in my "boring" life any day, and I know that all my people would rather have me talk about an encounter at the grocery store that cracked me up than the stupid rockstar's latest maniac behavior too. That crap is fun to read about, but living it is tiresome.

CBrown

You are so right about being with an alcoholic being BORING! At some point, when the quality of life is over, they start recycling the same stories over and over because they're not living life anymore. Or it's some story about how last weekend there was some drunken orgy that took place, and you hear that one over and over.