laauhe

This is my first post here. Thankful to find this. My husband who is still verging on denial/acceptance of his drinking problem. We have been together 10 years, and have 2 small children. He drank much more frequently before our children came along, and has since only drinks with friends, golf, after work yadda yadda. He does not drink every day (anymore) since he has been tring to stop. He only does now on binges so to say when he just cant fight the urge anymore ( maybe 1 or 2 times a month) but when it happens, its bad. I dont really believe his "want" to stop since he doest remember the words and violence during his rages. He really has drank all his life and so did his parents, he thinks why is it so wrong?? I have tottaly lost trust in him , and am so over his false desire to sober up, because he does say im only doind this for you and the kids.

Any way, my story could go on forever.., but my point is, it is so hard to be intimate and loving with so much resentment in me since I remember all the "words" from the nights before, and years, How can I show love in this process? I do love him, not the drinking. I just always know It will happen again, so i keep inside towrds him so as not to be so hurt the next time. Greta dad and husband, when the drimks are not around and unavailable. good provider, he is getting there, but wont seek help.

I took that al non test, wow!!! I answered yes to a lot!!! scary. I know where his drinking will lead, he will kill someone on the road, or him self in one of his I will kill myself drinking moods, he gets really self loathing when really drunk.

Anyway, im just a mom who loves her husband and wants the best for kids, so does he. How can I get past the resentment to love him during his journey????

Thanks for reading and the support.(I hide this from my family who my biggest support, since they love thim and think he is the greatest thing!!!)

CE Girl

Hey Laauhe,,,,Welcome to SR,,,

What does the chief bottle washer and caretaker want for HERSELF?!?!?

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

I here ya. I'm just a peace loving native hippie myself. Why can't the rest of my life be so simple?

Peace

LaTeeDa

So, you're okay living with this and just want to know how to get over the resentment? I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom for that. My resentment continued to grow as long as I was in that kind of situation. I was only able to work on getting past it when it was no longer in my face.

L

IrishOrchid

have you tried Al-Anon? It's for friends and families of alcoholics. There isn't any judgement if you stay or go, it may help you cope with the problems of living with alcoholism. Give it a try, there are lots of meetings available (google alanon.org to track down meetings in your area.) Best of luck to you!

LaTeeDa

I apologize if my post came across as judgemental. When I read there is violence involved, as well as young children, I get very concerned.

L

laauhe

in regards to the violence, it is generally to other people at the bar, or a few times to material things. he did find a long knife one evening, late and keep threating me that he would kill himself. he even in his rages loves his kids without end and has never been crazy drunk in front of them or said hurful or done hurtful things to them. I would walk out in a heartbeat. they love their DAD so much and cant wait for his return from work every day. They actually besides the tension between him and i would no of any problems. (they are 2 and 4)

I by no means accept how he is and am constantly tring to get him to quit, only to find i cannot. I know each binge could be deadly for him or someone else. I do love him, and know he is a good man. I want to find how to help him, but cannot get past all the hurt, i am just numb at this point to the pain the drinking inflicts, and just stay focused for my kids, and keep them happy.

He is a greatly involved in their lives, but when golf runs late, he lets 2 go to 4 and to 6...... he is a idiot!! and never remembers any of it. I actually had to show him the knife I hide to remind him of that night.

I DO NOT accept this. put its hard to put on a happy smile for someone who has taken advantage of your forgiveness over and over, and then wants it again.

LaTeeDa

You can't change him, you can't accept how he is, what does that leave you with? That's right--YOU. You are the only person you can change. Once you accept that, you can set about making a plan that works for you. I know how hard it is, I was you about ten years ago, and I didn't start changing myself until about two years ago. One thing I learned over the years is that it gets worse. My husband cut down, and even quit several times over the course of our marriage. But it always got worse when he inevitably started again. It's progressive. So is violence. He may not have hurt you or the kids, YET, but I would be very concerned about violent tendencies mixed with alcohol.

And, FWIW, I am also the child of an alcoholic father, and yes, living with an alcoholic is harming your children, even at 2 and 4.

A good book to read is Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty. You may be surprised at how well she understands what you are going through.

I hope you stick around here even though you may not want to hear what I am saying. I didn't want to hear it either, but I'm so glad I did. You can have a happy life, if you want it.

L

laauhe

The support i already feel here is fantastic. I have gone through so much kleenex just reading the replies, and other posts. Thank you to all who share.

embraced2000

one of my first thoughts about the intimacy part is........don't. i no longer do any thing that makes me feel uncomfortable.

my xh was a violent, binge drinker, too. the threats were unprintable here. "but i loved him", and "he was a good man", too......in my sick mind.

it was not ok for me to be treated like this.....thank god we had no children in the picture.

it took me a long, long time to come to some realizations about my marriage to my husband. he may have been a good man, but he was a sick man who was also an alcoholic. if having this sickness for him, meant that he had to behave this way, then i had to remove myself from his bullseye target.

his treatment was humiliating, degrading, and traumatizing. i made it so i was not his target any longer.

i loved him beyond my next breath.......why?????? because i saw glimpses of who he could be. could. operative word.

please take care of yourself and your children.

Barbara52

The others have said it well. The bottom line is you and your children deserve better. Only you can decide when its time to do something to brng that about.

laauhe

as our discussions have begun about all this, he has no idea how deeply this affects me. So if I sound happy on the phone at one point in the day, he assume im over it. Then when we speak a few hours later and im snippy again with him, he gets fired up at me for not being able to decide on a mood, so to speak. He thinks if I am happy at 1 point, then we shouldnt have to talk about it again.

he is just so defensive about it all and not supportive of my battle with his problem.

BlindManBluffed

Then why do it?

Don't shield him from the consequences of his abuse. This makes it easier for him to drink. In my opinion, this includes covering up the fact of his alcoholism with your family.

Thanks for posting - please keep on doing so.

LaTeeDa

Let's see, he wants to drink, you don't want him to. He is or has been cutting back, but only doing it for you and the kids.

I found that not only was my husband 'not supportive' of my battle, he was downright resentful of me for trying to control him. He did not give a rip how hard it was for me to deal with because in his mind, he didn't have a problem! I was making myself crazy trying to get him to change what he was doing. And he didn't want to change.

After banging my head against that wall for years, I sought out counseling. My counselor convinced me that it was not my responsibility to fix him. He was a grown man and allowed to make his own choices--whether I agreed with them or not. WHAT? I had no right to tell him what to do? HUH?

Slowly, it sunk in that she was right. He was not my responsibility. What a relief!

L

denny57

Welcome, laauhe, glad you're here!

What journey? You say he won't get help. It appears from your post what needs to happen is total abstinence. If he is not seeking help, how do you see his journey proceeding?

Layla2222

I dont know that I can offer much advice--as I am in bad shape myself with my AH boyfriend--but I know EXACTLY how you feel!!
It was so hard for me to be intimate with someone I didnt trust & resented him for all the pain he caused me....ON TOP of the fact that I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and one of our number one issues is: Fear of Intimacy. I felt guilt for not being intimate with him, and thought it was my fault because of my fears & my ACOA issues.....it really complicated things.

I wish you much love & support!!
Stephanie

seekNheal

Hi and welcome. I'm going thru the same thing you are, so full of resentment (and deep hurt) and wondering how I will ever feel close and want to be intimate with my AH again. It makes me sad to read of your pain b/c it's so close to mine.
All I can say is that I learned to put myself first-take care of and respect my own feelings. So, I moved out of the bedroom for now and he just has to deal with it until I work out my problems. One way that seems to help,,,I'm just gonna keep on reading here! Thanks to all

Inahurry

I am in a similar position to you. My partner and I have two small children (5 and 3), they love their dad. I love him too (the nice side of him), and I'm concerned about what he is doing to himself, but I am filled with resentment and anger at what he puts me and them through. He doesn't drink every day, but he binges (often), and although he knows he has a problem and has previously stopped drinking for more than 3 months, he has always gone back to it.

Today for example I came home from work, our nanny was here, he had had the day off work and he was drunk. I am so disappointed, fed up, angry, furious really, that even when he is himself I find it hard to recapture the easy relationship that we used to have.

But in all honesty I don't think we can while he continues like this. But to break up our home, and ask him to live elsewhere is a big step (I'm the main breadwinner, I am concerned that he will just spiral into drinking and self destruction) - is it the best thing for the kids? I just don't know. And I suppose I live in hope that it is all going to get better.

Any similar experiences welcomed.

Thanks

Rella927

First and foremost Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us!

I have to agree with LaTeeDa! I also had an alcoholic father, 3 alcoholic brothers and a drug addict brother-This began the day that I was born-I can tell you and this is just my honest opinion those children are being affected by his drinking. I was also unfortunate to have the affects of my mothers emotional and physical abuse. She was angry at all of them so who got the brunt? You guessed it ME!

Just because he is not doing anything as you say in front of them trust me when I tell you this, children are the most fragile individuals in the world. They sense things from you and your actions that things are not right.

There is a reason that you are here and this could be the start of your journey to a better life.....for you and your children. He has choices to stop drinking, you cannot make him or fix him. Forget his journey!

Maybe try going to an Al-Anon meeting just once ....and hear what they have to say, giving it a shot would not hurt-you came here to find out what we had to say!

Best wishes-

Take care of those children!

holdingouthope

Laauhe - yesterday we both posted for the first time. Also yesterday, I went to my first Al Anon meeting. Although I was unsure about the meeting after I left last night, something about being there had a calming affect on me. I slept well and when I woke up my first thought was not about my husband's debilitating addiction.

When you're ready I strongly urge you to find a meeting.

sunshine321

I second that. I am also in a similar situation as you and Inahurry. It's hard to know that the right thing to do is when you have small children. I also have two kids, 4 and 1. Especially if they aren't being directly effected by the A in your life. I hate that my partner drinks. I hate that he is an alcoholic. And I will admit that there are times that I actually think I hate him now from all the damage done to our relationship. He is also one foot in and one out of recovery. He is going to AA, stops drinking for days at a time and then picks up again randomly. Basically on Sat. night when he was drinking (his second relapse in less than a month) he admitted that he hasn't surrendered. I kind of already knew that. It's obvious when he's only halfway working the program. Please go to Al-Anon. It is helping me slowly. Before I stepped into that room with all of the kind and giving and wonderful people, I was too filled with such anger and resentment. It was my biggest problem. I was the same way about not wanting to be nice because it was for only a moment. I used to feel happiness and now, more than not I feel apprehensive because I'm not sure what to expect day to day. It's hard to live this way. Al-Anon is helping me though. I am focusing on myself instead of him. I now realize that I'm not in control and nothing I can or will do will make him choose to stop. I can't cure it, I can't control it and I know I didn't cause it although he likes to try to blame me for it. This group will give you back some self-esteem and give you tools to live in the insanity if you choose to continue to stay in your relationship. It will give you the tools to help you gain the strength to leave if that is what you decide. Either way, it will give you tools and help you improve yourself. Please try it 6 times at least. It will give you a place to share with others who understand your problems and have been there too. It is a safe haven for those in need. You will be amazed.

Jenny