DII

I feel like an idiot writing this tonight but this site and all my SR partners tend to help me keep my head on straight!
When last I entered I was fairly pleased with myself that I told my AW that I was done. I felt a sense of relief and actual excitement of what was to come for ME.
Now, 3 weeks later, I have not set a date to meet a Mediator as planned and my AW if sure looking and acting healthy. So when is it that they are truly "better" rather than the usual "better" that always lasts 3-6 months before the relapse? My boys, 17 and 14, have warmed back up to their Mom and their love has warmed and they are cautiously optimistic that she's doing great.
Me, I'm "feeling" bad for her, something that my counselor and I are working on! Why do we feel "bad" for the person that has wreaked havoc on our lives and our children's lives?
I can only look at what is. She is now telling the kids how sad and lonely she is. Same old manipulation.....or is it that she is just telling the kids how she feels....sad and lonely.
I do know that either way is tough. The truth is I love her but after it is all said and done I'm not in love with her any more...even though I feel responsible for her being happy or unhappy...again a major thing I'm working on with my counselor!
You know, alcohol and the disease are the worst. The alcoholic finds it the hardest to gain the trust of the loved ones closest to them and their loved ones find it so difficult to trust as well. For me it killed the loving relationship.
Don't mean to bum you all out......just helps to put it down and get some jems of wisdom back!

Thanks all.....

CarolD

Hmm...
I don't know about you..but I steer clear of toxic people.
And that has included loved ones.

They survived...I keep serene.


Blessings

embraced2000

is she still drinking? is she in a recovery program? are you and your children in al-anon?

this monster called addiction needs many tools to remove it from our lives, and give us the means to recover, find serenity, and keep serenity.

i understand so well.....my xh would "straighten up" for months at a time, then fall of the edge of the world again, shattering our family unit.

the months that he was trying to get it together were pretty miserable, too. his heart was not yet into recovery, and he could be very nasty and manipulative.

best to you
jeri

rkymtncowboy

My AW straightened up for two whole years. It is worst when they drink again. Last time two months ago she ended up in the hospital with pancritus and a 7% chance to live. She has been in the hospital twice totally out on the respirator. Now after all the hospital things she is addicted to slow acting morphine, what is wrong with these doctors? She has been going through this since 2002 and has lost her RN license. She feels totally justified not working. What a flake. Can't speak for yours but it usually doesn't get better.

dopelesshope

Thanks for sharing, I got nothing to offer but I feel your pain. It can't be easy on you and I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Your making life changes and as you know, for addicts and co-dependents, everything we let go off has claw marks in it.
It sounds like you are making healthy choices for yourself and don't fret it, you can only do as much as you can do and tomorrow is a new day for you. Keep your expectations low and your serenity will be high.

Peace

mallowcup

It seems that the very moment that you put your foot down or in other words, the moment her behavior was going to have a serious consequence to her, she was able to change, inspired to change or manipulate her behavior to get what she wants.
Your kids just want her to stop and indirectly she's made that up to you.
Doesn't it pierce your heart for her to say she's loney?
How lonely has she made you?
You don't trust her for one reason...she is untrustworthy.
Sad and lonely? What an odd complaint, almost cruel.
A mother who was sad and lonely would SPARE her children from knowing that.

SaTiT

Becuase you are human.
Becuase you love her even thou you're not in love her.
Becuase you honor and love youself and you value your life, so you value her's.
Becuase if you were wearing her shoes, I hope that someone would never give
on you.
Becuase you know that you're not perfect and have flaws of your own.
Becuase you honor your vows and take it to heart.
Becuase you are a loving and repectiable man
Becuase you were raise with morals and to value your family.
Becuase if you stop loving her, you would stop loving everyone else too.
Becuase deep inside you know she's hurting
Becuase you feel what you feel and it's okay.

Becuase all of the chaos is wearing you down.
Becuase your hurt by all of this too.
Becuase alcoholism/addict dosent care who you are.
Becuase you're antiscipating becuase of triggers or body clock.
Becuase codependcy is also as distructive as alcoholism.
Becuase you feel so powerless over everything and you feel like giving up.
Becuase you've talked to other women and you're head is spining.

Becuase the truth is..it dosn't matter if she gets well and you don't,
you'll still split like oil and water or you'll seek someone exactly just
like her to replace her, if you don't get well.

Becuase it's a pain in the ass to work on youself and the possiblity
of you being codependent before you met her is a bit hard to accept
at the moment. As it is for her to accept she's an alki.

Becuase you also need time to heal, rest, and fill your love tank.

Becuase many roads lead to navana...First you'll ask god...freaken why?
Because it's a beginging of a wonderful relationship.
Becuase a broken heart is also an open heart.

DII

Embraced, don't think she is still drinking. Looks to be sober for 2 months now. She is in AA and see's a therapist once or twice a week. She completed 2 inpatient and 3 outpatient programs.

DII

SaTiT, you have read my mind! Thanks for the words of reality, wisdom and advice! I appreciate it!

parentrecovers

it's ok to move on. hugs, k

denny57

As far as I know, this is the only life I get. I'm not going to spend it living for someone else. Love and compassion are great qualities and today I apply them to myself first.

I know how hard it can be. (((())))

Selah

It is possible to apply the utmost love & compassion to yourself but also to others even if they are in poor mentality or in an addiction phase?

denny57

Of course, but not at the expense of myself FIRST.

Selah

I'm not sure if that's possible :o( I can be healthy, happy and still feel such strong sad feelings for someone else...
I can't seem to balance the debate...if I died tomorrow would I A) be happy that I lived my life to it's fullest - bought a boat, a great house, had a fulfilling career, went hiking and did yoga or B) glad that I stood by someone I loved no matter what?

denny57

I don't define living life to the fullest as having a boat, a great house, etc.

I am happy and healthy today and have great compassion for AH's disease, despite the pain it caused in my life. I believe allowing him the dignity to live life on his terms IS standing by him. I understand there are differing points of view on this, but I can only measure it by my own serenity.

((()))

embraced2000

i have found that i can only stand by people that want to be stood by.

in my case, my xh was not ready for recovery and my life was miserable.

i had to remove myself from his toxcity and love him and have compassion for him from a distance.

standing by him when he was not seeking recovery just about destroyed me.

i have great compassion and love for him......i just can't share it with him. i had to protect myself and love myself enough to remove myself from his chaos.

Selah

I hope I didn't offend by making you think I was challenging your statement. I was simply stating my thoughts... by saying boat or career etc I meant in terms of living a life alone(not nec lonely) and aquiring things you want...material - spiritual etc....but always missing the one you loved.
It's just hard in these forums b/c everyone wants you to just walk away and work on yourself and leave the addict to fend themselves and as much as I agree it's hard to fight that childhood dream to grow up and build a life with someone you love. And then the sadness sets in that I was blessed with falling in love with an addict.

LaTeeDa

1) You don't have to walk away to work on yourself.
2) The addict must fend for themself. You cannot do it for them.
3) I believe society teaches it to us backwards:

We need to build a life of our own in order to share it with someone we love.

4) Loving someone doesn't have to mean sacrificing your life for theirs.

L

Selah

well i've got a lot of work to do b/c i've never been happier than when I was with him

CE Girl

For me, what it comes down to guys is "no regrets"

I had a husband who was diagnosed with hodgkins disease when he was 23. We had been married 5 years. And while it was rough, and I gave up "me" to take care of him and our family for the next 23 years, I can honeslty say, I had no regrets. He showed me how to live and make the most of each day. As far as I'm concerned, I got what I gave.

When I found myself in a relationship with an A, I asked myself the same question. Am I going to have regrets if I "give up" and take care of myself. Personally, I was not interested in a lesson in dying

I have no regret that I left. I was not getting what I gave.

Two oppostie ends of the spectrum. In both cases, I was the caretaker. What was a "gift" in one scenerio, would have been a regret in another. It took me a LONG time to learn the difference. One wanted to LIVE, the other wanted to die,,,It was a matter of what "ride" I was willing to take.

Each of us are the same, but with very PERSONAL beleifs and circumstances. No one on this board encouraged me to leave. They shared their ESH in their own PERSONAL experience. It was up to me to decide what was best for ME!!!

When you figure that out, your "confusion" will go away,,,

Peace