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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i hate to be the downer here, but i would not underestimate the event that happened to your daughter. it is very complicated.....she loves her daddy, but she was violated by him. things like this can be very traumatic and shoved down very deep so as not to have to handle them. i speak from experience. i didn't want to be the reason for the family breaking up.....i didn't want to lose this person from my life......so i put on a happy face and shoved it so deeply down into my soul that i just poo-pooed it away.
years later, it came back to haunt me. the incident shaped who i was, whether i was aware of it or not.
i'm so sorry for being the other voice here, because i know it's a downer to think about.
just my experience....take what you like and leave the rest.
btw, my incident was never addressed at the time, so that may have made the difference in my life. your daughters incident has been addressed and hopefully on a continuing basis with therapy and counseling.
much love to you
jeri
years later, it came back to haunt me. the incident shaped who i was, whether i was aware of it or not.
i'm so sorry for being the other voice here, because i know it's a downer to think about.
just my experience....take what you like and leave the rest.
btw, my incident was never addressed at the time, so that may have made the difference in my life. your daughters incident has been addressed and hopefully on a continuing basis with therapy and counseling.
much love to you
jeri
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
i hate to be the downer here, but i would not underestimate the event that happened to your daughter. it is very complicated.....she loves her daddy, but she was violated by him. things like this can be very traumatic and shoved down very deep so as not to have to handle them. i speak from experience. i didn't want to be the reason for the family breaking up.....i didn't want to lose this person from my life......so i put on a happy face and shoved it so deeply down into my soul that i just poo-pooed it away.
years later, it came back to haunt me. the incident shaped who i was, whether i was aware of it or not.
i'm so sorry for being the other voice here, because i know it's a downer to think about.
just my experience....take what you like and leave the rest.
btw, my incident was never addressed at the time, so that may have made the difference in my life. your daughters incident has been addressed and hopefully on a continuing basis with therapy and counseling.
much love to you
jeri
years later, it came back to haunt me. the incident shaped who i was, whether i was aware of it or not.
i'm so sorry for being the other voice here, because i know it's a downer to think about.
just my experience....take what you like and leave the rest.
btw, my incident was never addressed at the time, so that may have made the difference in my life. your daughters incident has been addressed and hopefully on a continuing basis with therapy and counseling.
much love to you
jeri
You're not a downer at all, and I do believe that those are my daughter's feelings. She is the "perfect child". Truly, she does nothing wrong, which leads me to believe that she puts on a happy face. She is in counseling, and I hope the fact that her father confessed and took that burden from her, in some small way helps her. Her counselor is of the belief that she will address it in time, but she's not ready to right now and it shouldn't be forced. It is enough that she knows she can talk about it when she feels ready.
hope that thought wasn't scattered, I'm in a rush and headed out the door. I'll try and address more later.
Thanks all.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
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Originally Posted by embraced2000
i would not underestimate the event that happened to your daughter. it is very complicated.....
Here is my take on how my daughter is feeling.
Right now I believe she wishes her father would have just kept his mouth shut, and is more angry over it being brought to light than of the actual event. She was not ready for this to become a very public spectacle. So in essence, she feels more victimized by the system, than from her father right now. All of this is normal. I do feel that in time, she'll come to realize that this whole course of events was the best thing that ever happened to all of us. That her father thought more of her than of himself by taking full responsibility for what he did, rather than being a coward and having her bear the burden of his actions.
I hope she can now trust that she can tell me anything, no matter how embarrassing or painful it is, and know that I am there for her, no matter what.
I do still worry as to what the long term effects of what he did will be on her. No child should have happen to them what happened to her. It truly sucks the damage we do to our children.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
My daughter loves her father and hates him at the same time (due to the abuse and drinking). She hates that he drinks and doesn't work. She tends to take on too much responsability for a child. As it turned out, my husband treated her like a grown-up, sharing his emotional and relationship problems with her; he complained to her that "mommy doesn't give me enough affection." She said "Daddy makes me feel like I'm a grown up." I've been reading about "covert sexual abuse," and have found out that fathers don't have to touch their children in a sexual way to wreck havock in their kids' emotional lives.
Since the day that I found out about the abuse and acted on it, I've made it a priority to be strong in front of my daughter, to treat her like a kid, to give her strict boundaries, and to release her from any idea that she might be a grownup. I tell her: "Don't worry. I'm the mom here. I have things under control. All you have to worry about is being a kid." The last thing I want is my daughter to blame herself for her mom's emotional well-being.
Since the day that I found out about the abuse and acted on it, I've made it a priority to be strong in front of my daughter, to treat her like a kid, to give her strict boundaries, and to release her from any idea that she might be a grownup. I tell her: "Don't worry. I'm the mom here. I have things under control. All you have to worry about is being a kid." The last thing I want is my daughter to blame herself for her mom's emotional well-being.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I was sexually abused as a child, and my father died when I was 13. I know that everyone is different, but, The fact that this was addressed even while she is still a child will make her battle so much less of a battle.
Certainly, the fact that YOU stood up for her, and were willing to go the distance for her safety will be the outstanding thing, here. I think that the betrayal of the father will work itself out, mostly dependent on how consistent he stays about it. Hopefully there will never come a time when he is relapsed, or just plain bitter, and minimizes the event to the family or to her.
If this did happen(minimizing), then it will be really important for you to continue to maintain your stance of protection at all cost to HIM.
When I was 29 something, my abuse was finally addressed to my family, when my sister also came forward with her memories. My other siblings did not feel able to address this stuff, but my mom stated so clearly her shock, sorrow, and sadness for not having protected us. She still says this to this day, and, I cant say how much her acknowledgement has enabled me to move on. Obviously, I am still a pretty involved CoD, but I was able to let go of all those years of denials. For me, the non addressing of the situation for 15 years was more than half the battle.
I cant tell you enough how strong, brave and powerful it is for you to have handled this as you did. It makes me feel great, and hopeful, and make no mistake that your daughter feels loved and taken care of, and that will go a LONG way!!
Certainly, the fact that YOU stood up for her, and were willing to go the distance for her safety will be the outstanding thing, here. I think that the betrayal of the father will work itself out, mostly dependent on how consistent he stays about it. Hopefully there will never come a time when he is relapsed, or just plain bitter, and minimizes the event to the family or to her.
If this did happen(minimizing), then it will be really important for you to continue to maintain your stance of protection at all cost to HIM.
When I was 29 something, my abuse was finally addressed to my family, when my sister also came forward with her memories. My other siblings did not feel able to address this stuff, but my mom stated so clearly her shock, sorrow, and sadness for not having protected us. She still says this to this day, and, I cant say how much her acknowledgement has enabled me to move on. Obviously, I am still a pretty involved CoD, but I was able to let go of all those years of denials. For me, the non addressing of the situation for 15 years was more than half the battle.
I cant tell you enough how strong, brave and powerful it is for you to have handled this as you did. It makes me feel great, and hopeful, and make no mistake that your daughter feels loved and taken care of, and that will go a LONG way!!
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66
I cant tell you enough how strong, brave and powerful it is for you to have handled this as you did. It makes me feel great, and hopeful, and make no mistake that your daughter feels loved and taken care of, and that will go a LONG way!!
Okay, you just made me cry. Thank you so very much.
I don't believe minimizing what happened is possible, so that won't be an issue. Her father did step up and take full responsibility. He told the police everything. At some point he needs to discuss it all with her, but right now is not the time. She is truly burnt out from talking about it and just wants some normalcy built back up right now.
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Am I in denial?
So yesterday I relate this story to my ex sister in-law. (my ex husband's brother's wife). It is her opinion that I am a pretty terrible mother to have moved back home and let my husband have any contact with my daughter. She said that the woman she knew would never have done this and that I must be suffering from some sort of denial, and that he has me brainwashed. I've been feeling pretty craptastic ever since.
You know I've gone in to this knowing that my decision isn't going to be the most popular one, and that not everyone is going to be supportive of it, and I was okay with that. Everyone that truly matters to me is supportive, so I don't really know why her comments have made me feel so bad about myself. Is it because she is right or is it because I'm just so tired of being torn down and belittled?
I don't understand why anyone would think that just because my daughter is only 10 that her feelings should be discounted. That she'll just "get over" not having a relationship with her father.
Anyway, just putting it out there for thoughts and opinions.
You know I've gone in to this knowing that my decision isn't going to be the most popular one, and that not everyone is going to be supportive of it, and I was okay with that. Everyone that truly matters to me is supportive, so I don't really know why her comments have made me feel so bad about myself. Is it because she is right or is it because I'm just so tired of being torn down and belittled?
I don't understand why anyone would think that just because my daughter is only 10 that her feelings should be discounted. That she'll just "get over" not having a relationship with her father.
Anyway, just putting it out there for thoughts and opinions.
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Hmbld, other who have not walked a similar walk as yours, will NOT understand in the least. I do not share the story of my XABF with friends for the most part. You are on your own journey, and you will follow your instincts. The past is the past if your husband continues on his route of sobriety. Is that still the case? How is your homelife? You mentioned before that you had become the toxic one and you needed to work on you. What is happening in your life now?
I think sometimes we tend to focus on our pasts too much. After analyzing it and learning from it, we need to put it in past where it belongs and move toward our future. Boy, I need to follow my own words there! Easier said than done, huh?
I think sometimes we tend to focus on our pasts too much. After analyzing it and learning from it, we need to put it in past where it belongs and move toward our future. Boy, I need to follow my own words there! Easier said than done, huh?
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CB, my husband is still sober and home life is better than it has been since I can remember. He's working his program and I'm working hard on getting myself sorted out. My daughter is happy, is doing well in school, and has tons of friends.
I thought I was past all of this and equipped to deal with all of the negative comments that get thrown my way. Apparently I'm not. I suppose her comments cut deep because I've always been there for her when her life wasn't rosey, without judgement. I guess I feel like it's a smack in the face. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does and it's really aggravating that it has gotten to me, and has put me back to feeling like an absolute failure.
I've been trying to pull myself out of this funk all weekend, and it's just not happening. I'm back to the stupid crying and inability to get off the couch and do something productive. Maybe it would make me feel better if I could send her a greeting card with a big middle finger on it.
I thought I was past all of this and equipped to deal with all of the negative comments that get thrown my way. Apparently I'm not. I suppose her comments cut deep because I've always been there for her when her life wasn't rosey, without judgement. I guess I feel like it's a smack in the face. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does and it's really aggravating that it has gotten to me, and has put me back to feeling like an absolute failure.
I've been trying to pull myself out of this funk all weekend, and it's just not happening. I'm back to the stupid crying and inability to get off the couch and do something productive. Maybe it would make me feel better if I could send her a greeting card with a big middle finger on it.
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Oh, and as far as my life. I've been making great progress. I'm back to work, making very good money, so the burden of having to rely on my husband for financial support is not an issue. I've been spending more time reconnecting with friends. I've been doing much needed home projects so my house is looking fabulous.
I guess just in general I've been doing things that make me feel better. Now I just want to smack this woman who has thrown a monkey wrench into my momentum.
I guess just in general I've been doing things that make me feel better. Now I just want to smack this woman who has thrown a monkey wrench into my momentum.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Hmbld, I'm going to shake you! (in a loving way) Read your posts ... do you see all the good things in those last two posts?
My husband is still sober and home life is better than it has been since I can remember. I'm back to work, making very good money, so the burden of having to rely on my husband for financial support is not an issue. I've been spending more time reconnecting with friends. I've been doing much needed home projects so my house is looking fabulous.
Look at that! It's a wonderful report! Oh, how I wish I could say the same about my XABF. You cannot get rid of the past, or forget it, or keep others from their opinions, etc., but please keep thinking of your blessings you have right now! Focus on the future, and don't even let the past come out of your mouth!
My husband is still sober and home life is better than it has been since I can remember. I'm back to work, making very good money, so the burden of having to rely on my husband for financial support is not an issue. I've been spending more time reconnecting with friends. I've been doing much needed home projects so my house is looking fabulous.
Look at that! It's a wonderful report! Oh, how I wish I could say the same about my XABF. You cannot get rid of the past, or forget it, or keep others from their opinions, etc., but please keep thinking of your blessings you have right now! Focus on the future, and don't even let the past come out of your mouth!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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When someone else reacts negatively to me, it's usually not because of me. It's their deal. It's possible that this woman has unresolved issues from her past that she is projecting on to you. Who knows? By the same token, if I react strongly to something or someone else, it usually means I need to look inside to see what is causing such a strong reaction.
JMO,
L
JMO,
L
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 30
I know what you mean regarding the judgement from people who are supposed to care about you. I keep getting 'It's just not like you' and all this other nonsense. How would they know? I have never been in a situation like this before, so no-one has anything to compare it to. Even me.
In my opinion you sound like a very level-headed, caring, strong person who loves her family and is doing the best she can given the circumstances.
I dont think some 'friends' grasp the concept of 'support'. They are waaaay to quick to pass judgement and give advice when what you were really needing was a sounding board.
Stay strong, you are doing great.
In my opinion you sound like a very level-headed, caring, strong person who loves her family and is doing the best she can given the circumstances.
I dont think some 'friends' grasp the concept of 'support'. They are waaaay to quick to pass judgement and give advice when what you were really needing was a sounding board.
Stay strong, you are doing great.
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It really helps to separate the person from the disease. Thru exhaustive testing, evaluation and therapy it was determined that your H is NOT a pedophile. Alcoholism had its hands on him and something bad happened.
My signature line says it all... it was a really liberating thing when I realized that what other people think of me (and my choices) is really none of my business. There ya go - just keep doing the next right thing, take care of you and your daughter. That's all you can do.
HUGS
Cats
My signature line says it all... it was a really liberating thing when I realized that what other people think of me (and my choices) is really none of my business. There ya go - just keep doing the next right thing, take care of you and your daughter. That's all you can do.
HUGS
Cats
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Originally Posted by thelightdawns
I keep getting 'It's just not like you' and all this other nonsense. How would they know? I have never been in a situation like this before, so no-one has anything to compare it to.
You guys have been a huge help. :ghug I'm almost back to being 100% again. I'm just trying to shake off the urge to send her a scathing email, which I know will serve no purpose. It may give me a moment of joy, but ultimately, it would just make me feel bad for being mean.
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