Need Advice
 

Tonight I am seeing my AH for the first time in a week. We are supposed to meet to talk about the future of our relationship. I need some help in wording what I want to say to him because I dont want things to become more escalated than they already are and I want him to hear what I am saying and the boudaries that I am trying to set. He thinks that I am always trying to control him (by not wanting him to drink) and that his drinking is not a problem. He is a binge drinker who really only drinks excessively on the weekends and does not see a problem with that. He feels the problem is my rage that I have toward him. I do have A LOT of rage and anger toward him for all the things he has put me thru and when I catch him with alcohol at home I will take it and dump it in the sink. I also will scream at him and can be very relentless. I dont know any other way to act and what I am doing is not working. What is a better way to react when I start feeling the rage and seeing him with alcohol? HELP! I want to set firm boundaries with him, but not say it in a condesending way. Any advice on controlling my rage issues and on how to talk to him would be greatly appericiated. THANKS!

I've learned I can only say what I have to say and leave it at that. I have no control over whether anyone hears me or not. Boundaries are for me alone. I state them once and then live my life. It takes practice, but it does get easier over time. The next thing I knew, I was living the life I wanted on my terms. It's wonderful.

Good luck.

I suggest reading all you can about alcoholism and attending an Al-anon meeting. This SR board also offers a wealth of info and experience from others.

You'll hear it's time to focus on yourself. Through working the steps you'll learn how to set boundaries and detach from the chaos and insanity of it all. Alcoholism is his problem to deal with. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's that simple.

You sound a lot like me although replace your husband with my mom.

It is a struggle every time it happens for me to not yell and scream at her which doesn't affect her at all since she is drunk and pretty much dead to the world. For a few months, I realized that wasn't helping and found other ways to deal with it such as living my life and trying not to worry about her and her actions--unfortunately I couldn't keep that up but I am back to day 1 of trying the new method.

I also just ordered some books that were suggested here about co-dependency, etc. I think there is a sticky somewhere. I am not sure I would be of much help but feel free to pm me if you think it would help. It seems we react exactly the same way...

With my boyfriend, I found that it didn't work any better to try and state my feelings in a less confrontational way. He didn't think his drinking was a problem and I did. It didn't matter if I yelled, screamed, ranted, and raved at him, or I shared my feelings in a calm and collected manner. He was not willing to listen to or act on what I was saying.

Eventually, I realized that the only way to eliminate my alcoholic partner's unacceptable behaviors from my life was to end the relationship. That way, I got to live the life I wanted to live and he got to do the same. My life improved immensely. He drank himself to death four months ago. Everyone has choices; we just chose different paths.

When people aren't willing to change, no amount of discussion will change anything. If there were a magical communication style that would break through an alcoholic's denial, then I'm sure it would have been discovered centuries ago.

This is the point where you have to decide how you're willing to live: with a binge drinker or without one. If you choose to try again with your husband, go in with your eyes open, and realize that very few alcoholics are able to reach and maintain long-term sobriety. When I researched the disease and understood these odds, I realized I was trying to win in a no-win situation. That's when I decided to bail.

Best of luck to you with whatever you decide.