Hi new here....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: montana
Posts: 5
Hi new here....
Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here. First let me tell you a little about me and my family. My AH and I have been together for 19 years. We have 4 kids together and 1 granddaughter. He has always drank, I don't. Well I take that back about 2 or 3 times a year I go out with my friends and I have 1 drink with them. His drinking has really become a problem in the last 5- 6 years. There always seems to be some excuse. I have tried everything to get him to quit drinking. His brothers have also tried. Both of them are recovering alcoholics. I am tired. I am tired of making excuses to the kids. I am tired of covering for him . I am tired of feeling I have to do everything. I am of the money problems, tired of walking around on egg shells. I am just at my wits end and don't know what else to do.
He can be a wonderful husband and father when he is not drinking. But when he is drinking I don't like him. He has never physically hurt me or the kids but I know the emotional hurt is there. He accuses me of having a boyfriend (which I have never had) I don't know when I am suppose to fit the boyfriend in.I work nights , I drive the kids to and from school. After school I drive them to sports practice, boyscouts and work. Then I try and fit in sleep, laundry,dishes and cooking. He on the other is home all day and night. But I don't trust him to do the driving around for the kids.
I guess I just need some one to vent to and to find out that I am not the only one with this problem. Thank you for listening to me
He can be a wonderful husband and father when he is not drinking. But when he is drinking I don't like him. He has never physically hurt me or the kids but I know the emotional hurt is there. He accuses me of having a boyfriend (which I have never had) I don't know when I am suppose to fit the boyfriend in.I work nights , I drive the kids to and from school. After school I drive them to sports practice, boyscouts and work. Then I try and fit in sleep, laundry,dishes and cooking. He on the other is home all day and night. But I don't trust him to do the driving around for the kids.
I guess I just need some one to vent to and to find out that I am not the only one with this problem. Thank you for listening to me
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
You are akin to Teresa of Calcutta for having lived with that for so long, in other words you may be a saint.
Have you been to alanon and/or a support group for familes of addicts?
Have you been to alanon and/or a support group for familes of addicts?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Bop, glad you found us!
Well come on now Bop, certainly you could give up some of that unnecessary sleep and find a way to fit in the affair with a boyfriend...my, aren't you the selfish one? LOL (just joking).
All of the above sounds very familiar! So know that you are not alone.
I agree with Steve. Have you given Alanon a try? Perhaps some of those dishes, laundry and cooking could be delayed just a little so that you can attend some meetings. For there you will find other people dealing with the same problems and issues.
In the meantime, keep reading the threads here and in the stickies at the top of this forum.
And keep coming back!
Originally Posted by bop 
He accuses me of having a boyfriend (which I have never had) I don't know when I am suppose to fit the boyfriend in.I work nights , I drive the kids to and from school. After school I drive them to sports practice, boyscouts and work. Then I try and fit in sleep, laundry,dishes and cooking...
All of the above sounds very familiar! So know that you are not alone.
I agree with Steve. Have you given Alanon a try? Perhaps some of those dishes, laundry and cooking could be delayed just a little so that you can attend some meetings. For there you will find other people dealing with the same problems and issues.
In the meantime, keep reading the threads here and in the stickies at the top of this forum.
And keep coming back!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,472
bop,
First I would like to welcome you here to this forum. There are many here that share in your experiences so know that you are not alone in this.
I wanted to ask.... you have been together 19 yrs., and you said that he has always drank but it's only been the last 5-6 yrs. that his drinking has been a problem? Right? Does that mean that he has stepped it up in the last 5-6 yrs. or is it that his drinking has always been a problem but only the last 5-6 yrs. that you have become fed up with it?
You say that you are tired of covering up and making excuses for him, to the kids and so on. Don't ! Stop ! Hon, you don't have to make excuses for him. He is a grown man with a disease. It's time for him to take responsibility for his own choices and actions. I know that as women many of us are taugh that as a wife we are to "take care of" our man. I really don't think that is what that phrase is really for. Making excuses for him, covering up his drunken state or the hangovers the next day only enables them to keep doing what they are doing. They, the A, never see what their behavior causes nor do they ever experience the consequences of their actions when it is all covered up and made nice and neat. You see.
Plus people see more than you think, they just don't say out of respect for you or the kids. Even the kids know more than your think and need to be educated about this stuff.
I live with an active alcoholic and we have a child together. She is now 10 and knows exactly what the beer does to him and what his drinking does to our living peacefully. He is, however a functioning A, responsible in his job and getting the bills paid, but not functional in any emotional aspect of life. Although my relationship with him is over, my daughter's will always be there. They are very close and he is a good father...I give him credit for that... but he could be better if it were not for the drinking.
It would be in your best interest to check out those al-anon meetings for support and to learn some tools for regaining peace and serenity back into your life. You cannot make him stop drinking. He has to want to do that. But you can stop living your life around his drinking. Give it a try.
First I would like to welcome you here to this forum. There are many here that share in your experiences so know that you are not alone in this.
I wanted to ask.... you have been together 19 yrs., and you said that he has always drank but it's only been the last 5-6 yrs. that his drinking has been a problem? Right? Does that mean that he has stepped it up in the last 5-6 yrs. or is it that his drinking has always been a problem but only the last 5-6 yrs. that you have become fed up with it?
You say that you are tired of covering up and making excuses for him, to the kids and so on. Don't ! Stop ! Hon, you don't have to make excuses for him. He is a grown man with a disease. It's time for him to take responsibility for his own choices and actions. I know that as women many of us are taugh that as a wife we are to "take care of" our man. I really don't think that is what that phrase is really for. Making excuses for him, covering up his drunken state or the hangovers the next day only enables them to keep doing what they are doing. They, the A, never see what their behavior causes nor do they ever experience the consequences of their actions when it is all covered up and made nice and neat. You see.
Plus people see more than you think, they just don't say out of respect for you or the kids. Even the kids know more than your think and need to be educated about this stuff.
I live with an active alcoholic and we have a child together. She is now 10 and knows exactly what the beer does to him and what his drinking does to our living peacefully. He is, however a functioning A, responsible in his job and getting the bills paid, but not functional in any emotional aspect of life. Although my relationship with him is over, my daughter's will always be there. They are very close and he is a good father...I give him credit for that... but he could be better if it were not for the drinking.
It would be in your best interest to check out those al-anon meetings for support and to learn some tools for regaining peace and serenity back into your life. You cannot make him stop drinking. He has to want to do that. But you can stop living your life around his drinking. Give it a try.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
hey bop! welcome to SR ..
I too have 4 children and an ah ! It is not easy .
I have grown so much since coming to SR and have gained an incredible amount of knowledge . I'm glad you are here .
Definitely look into Alanon in your area and keep posting !
(())s M
I too have 4 children and an ah ! It is not easy .
I have grown so much since coming to SR and have gained an incredible amount of knowledge . I'm glad you are here .
Definitely look into Alanon in your area and keep posting !
(())s M
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Welcom bop!
I found SR in July when I found myself feeling alone and at the end of my rope. If you read through the posts here I think you'll realize you are not alone anymore. There is so much help, support and information to be found from lots of wonderful folks here.
I found SR in July when I found myself feeling alone and at the end of my rope. If you read through the posts here I think you'll realize you are not alone anymore. There is so much help, support and information to be found from lots of wonderful folks here.
city girl in podunk
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: 3rd cornfield from the west
Posts: 34
Welcome, bop, from one newcomer to another. I recently found SR too and I think it's a great place. I can definitely identify with your situation in many ways, too.
What I've learned so far- is that I have to put my Self as first priority if I'm to recover. I do have to recover, too.
I hope you soon realize that you don't have to be "covering for him" anymore. He isn't fooling anyone, so why join in his futile effort?
My ah has been a dry drunk for 7 yrs and just now started going to AA. I have been brutally honest w/him for several months now and that has been such a release for me. He doesn't have to like what I say, believe or feel. But I feel so much better about myself b/c I'm not ignoring my thoughts b/c of fear (of starting another fight); I'm not stomping out my feelings and catering only to his feelings; he can bully all he wants and try to manipulate my beliefs, but I don't let him anymore. I do listen to him also, and make sure I don't devalue his feelings or thoughts.
So, please, bop, learn to take care of your Self first, try alAnon. I hope you can experience that release I was talking about. Maybe it's only a little step, but it's wonderful. I guess it's a release (to some degree) of my Self from the clutches of alcoholism. Best Wishes.
What I've learned so far- is that I have to put my Self as first priority if I'm to recover. I do have to recover, too.
I hope you soon realize that you don't have to be "covering for him" anymore. He isn't fooling anyone, so why join in his futile effort?
My ah has been a dry drunk for 7 yrs and just now started going to AA. I have been brutally honest w/him for several months now and that has been such a release for me. He doesn't have to like what I say, believe or feel. But I feel so much better about myself b/c I'm not ignoring my thoughts b/c of fear (of starting another fight); I'm not stomping out my feelings and catering only to his feelings; he can bully all he wants and try to manipulate my beliefs, but I don't let him anymore. I do listen to him also, and make sure I don't devalue his feelings or thoughts.
So, please, bop, learn to take care of your Self first, try alAnon. I hope you can experience that release I was talking about. Maybe it's only a little step, but it's wonderful. I guess it's a release (to some degree) of my Self from the clutches of alcoholism. Best Wishes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: montana
Posts: 5
I don't hide alot from the kids anymore as you said they see more then i think. I tell them that A is a disease and that I think it runs in the family genes. So it is some thing that they need to always beware of. Three of them are getting to the age were drinking is some they will try. they are 21,16,13. So I want them to be responsible about it. The youngest is only 7 .
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Hi Bop,
I am glad you found this site. It helps me to just read other posts and puts things in perspective. I have learned that I need to let my children aged 12 and 15, know that it is a disease. We cannot take it personally when the promises are broken! I totally understand about the walking on egg shells to keep the peace! I do not do that any more. This site and al-anon will help get you strong emotionally! You are not alone!!!!!! Keep reading here!
I am glad you found this site. It helps me to just read other posts and puts things in perspective. I have learned that I need to let my children aged 12 and 15, know that it is a disease. We cannot take it personally when the promises are broken! I totally understand about the walking on egg shells to keep the peace! I do not do that any more. This site and al-anon will help get you strong emotionally! You are not alone!!!!!! Keep reading here!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Hey BOP,,and Welcome to the SR "family" 
First let me say, your children have been fortunate to have one SANE parent,,,albeit a tad "co dependant"
I actually had a discussion with my three girls (24, 28, 30) and they flat out told me, yup, Mom, you were the rock, but we often wondered why you put up with it!!!!
We think we are "saving" when in reality we're just teaching another dysfunctional lesson.
Now, even though they are grown, I hope their learning through my example, that NOONE deserves to live a life they are unhappy in. That its up to me, my and mine, to make the changes.
You've taken the first step,,,Welcome to the boards and the journey "home"
Peace
First let me say, your children have been fortunate to have one SANE parent,,,albeit a tad "co dependant"
I actually had a discussion with my three girls (24, 28, 30) and they flat out told me, yup, Mom, you were the rock, but we often wondered why you put up with it!!!!
We think we are "saving" when in reality we're just teaching another dysfunctional lesson.
Now, even though they are grown, I hope their learning through my example, that NOONE deserves to live a life they are unhappy in. That its up to me, my and mine, to make the changes.
You've taken the first step,,,Welcome to the boards and the journey "home"
Peace
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: NOR CAL
Posts: 70
Welcome Bop!
I agree w/above, good thing your kids have one sane parent, but it's a lot of responsibility to parent 4 kids my yourself. You can only do that for so long before you break down.
My AH also drank for all of the 16 years together, but for some reason the last 5 or so have really gotten to me. Guess we're fed up, or just want to protect the kids from the nonsense. My AH doesn't understand why it's now an issue, when it didn't used to be. I look around at the other fathers at school functions, or anywhere else, and I am envious. They have to want to be a good father, so sad that they choose booze over the satisfaction of a proud parent moment.
Why do we settle for this? We know we deserve better. We deserve a partner who is there for us emotionally, and to lend a hand. The thought of breaking up the family just so I can be happy seems foolish. My AH is a binge drinker, and even when he's not drinking, he's very grumpy and moody. I just try to detach and work on ME. Take my inventory, and try to better myself.
I just want you to know you're not alone, many of us share your pain. Sounds like you don't have time for Alanon, maybe read some of the good books out there. I like codependence no more. Hang in there Bop.
I agree w/above, good thing your kids have one sane parent, but it's a lot of responsibility to parent 4 kids my yourself. You can only do that for so long before you break down.
My AH also drank for all of the 16 years together, but for some reason the last 5 or so have really gotten to me. Guess we're fed up, or just want to protect the kids from the nonsense. My AH doesn't understand why it's now an issue, when it didn't used to be. I look around at the other fathers at school functions, or anywhere else, and I am envious. They have to want to be a good father, so sad that they choose booze over the satisfaction of a proud parent moment.
Why do we settle for this? We know we deserve better. We deserve a partner who is there for us emotionally, and to lend a hand. The thought of breaking up the family just so I can be happy seems foolish. My AH is a binge drinker, and even when he's not drinking, he's very grumpy and moody. I just try to detach and work on ME. Take my inventory, and try to better myself.
I just want you to know you're not alone, many of us share your pain. Sounds like you don't have time for Alanon, maybe read some of the good books out there. I like codependence no more. Hang in there Bop.
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