Am I Wrong?
 

He says if he wasn't drinking it wouldn't be a problem but as he is, it is.


Hello....there is HIS answer. Seems that if He did something about HIS drinking problem thenHE would not have HIS problems.

Sorry; I do not mean to sound unsensitive or mean,etc....none of us needs that. I know this is easier said than done when it is your own loved one,but the truth is there when we are ready to see it and then take the hard but truely more helpful steps.

Glad you are here. Maybe if he runs out of "helpers" he will finally get the real help he needs.

Hey there Missus,

I'm sorry to hear your brother is having such difficulties.

You don't mention _why_ your brother has no place to live. Is he suffering from an addiction? Does he become violent and abusive? Why was he living with his g/f's parents for a whole year instead of getting a place of his own. A whole year is plenty of time to get some kind of job and a roomate to share a small apartment. I guess you call them flats over on your side of the pond.

You say that you agree with your mother that he is not your responsibility. That sounds like your brother is in this trouble out of his own choosing, am I right in that.

Ultimately, the guideline that I follow is what al-anon suggests. I do for others _only_ what they cannot do for themselves. Anything else is just enabling.

Following that guideline, is your brother able to find work and a place to live on his own, if he were to choose to do so?

Mike :)

My brothers not an addict of any kind, nor is he violent or abusive...he's a lovely bloke, very funny, charming, extremely friendly, just a nice all round man.

He was staying with his gf and her parents because he fell out with our parents, he and his gf where going to get a place of their own but her parents (mainly her father) asked him to stay with them because they didn't want their daughter leaving home. Her mother has "issues" with her moods and temper etc..And asked my brother to leave for no reason even though the father told him he could stay.

So yes, I suppose he's had plenty of time to find somewhere to live but didn't think he needed to so never. But now he needs to and has no where to stay in the mean time.

Well then it sounds to me like he truly is in need of a bit of help. Perhaps the guy with the attitude problem that needs to go find a new place to stay is your alcoholic boyfriend. Toss _him_ out and have your brother stay with you for awhile ;)

Or maybe _you_ can find a new flat of your own and share it with your brother.

Me thinks that the way you describe the situation, your alcoholic boyfriend is causing you and your brother great harm. What do you think?

Mike :)

bros b4 hoes i say...

Well we rowed about it, I went to bed as I didn't want to argue further. When my BF came up to bed later on he said he should tell my brother that he can stay....but I still feel guilty because I know he's just saying it for my benefit because I've been really upset at the thought of my brother being homeless and that he will still feel uncomfortable.

I just don't know if I'm right to put abf's feelings aside even though it is his home too.

is it his feelings about your brother? or his feelings about drinking in privacy?

2 totally different things. the former is a reasonable request, the latter is lame IMO.

He likes my brother, they get on well, he just doesn't want him seeing him drinking all day, he says it's embarrassing.

Interesting that it's ok for you to see him, though.

Wait a minute, your boyfriend is embarrassed by his own drinking habits and doesn't want your brother to see it? If that weren't so sad, it would almost be funny!

In any event, it sounds like that's a consequence of his actions that 'he'll' just have to deal with. ;-)

Does your brother have a job?

Stop enabling
 

Yes, and he's asking you to continue to enable him to not only drink but drink in comfort. Don't you think he needs to start suffering the consequences of his drinking? He needs to see that the drinking is the problem here not your brother? And if so then shouldn't he learn to either accept he is a drunk and let people see him or don't drink while others are around or GET STARTED ON A RECOVERY PLAN.

My oldest son's best friend's father is an A. He's been sober for 20 years. He says he's a bit of an anomoly (sp?) because he is very open and forthcoming about his alcoholism. I grew a great deal of respect for this guy not just because he is a recovering A of 20 years but because he doesn't try to hide it. He accepts what he is and almost announces his circumstances with pride. He seems quite healthy to me. Your BF??? Well ....

"I'm sorry ABF but unless you are making valiant efforts to recover from your A I will continue to make decisions that have the greatest impact of making a difference for someone. In this case I chose not to put my brother out on the street just so I can save you from some embarrassment.".

So...you should not help your brother get back on his feet because...your ABF doesn't want to quit drinking, or do it somewhere else?

I think you know the answer to this, don't you?

And I'm in agreement with aztchr...it's okay for YOU to see him sloppy all day but not someone else? You don't mean anything, in other words? You're not deserving of that dignity?

Anyway, here is one thing that my family once did: A brother was in a similar spot, and he was allowed to stay with my sister for a period of one month. During that month, he looked for work, found a job, and found an inexpensive place to live, which she helped him move into. It actually took a little longer than a month, but that was okay because he was obviously trying. And all worked out well -- she felt good about helping, her husband felt put out a bit but understood that she wanted to do right by her brother. And my brother now makes more money than all of us put together and has a family of his own, so that obviously turned out to be a good thing.

I suggest that, if you're really more interested in helping your brother than you are in enabling your boyfriend's all-day drinking, that you put your foot down and suggest something like this that's helpful, finite, and morally right.

Just my two cents' worth, as they say here. Take whatever helps and leave the rest.....

GL

Thank you for all the imput, tis appreciated. My brother is coming to stay tomorrow x