common traits in alcoholics
 

Hi everyone,
it's been a long time since I last posted so I should introduce myself again. I have been married with an alcoholic and pot user for 9 years and we have 2 sons, aged 6 and 2.
For the past 2 years, after realising that there was nothing I could do to help him with his addictions, I have detached myself, emotionally. I stopped the nagging, started doing things on the week ends on my own with the kids, and I stopped relying on him for domestic chores. The result of this was that I feel I became stronger and more independent, but on the other hand, his drinking and pot smoking increased and somehow, without realising it, my resentment accumulated. Then in april, we went to France for 2 months and stayed with my family. Given his behavior for the past 2 years, I wasn't keen to go on that trip and booked my tickets at the last moment. He was very adament he wanted to go. But of course, while there, his drinking became totally out of control. While he mostly drink beer and wine here, he started drinking scotch over there as well. The whole trip ended up in a crisis when he verbally abused my mum and threatened to commit suicide in front of the kids, which to me is intolerable. At that point, I had decided to leave but he suddenly decided to give up alcohol. Started an outpatient program, supposedly, although after 2 months, he only managed to have 2 appointments with a psychiatrist and 2 appointments with a social worker. In fact, he never really even began therapy at all and resumed his drinking and cancelled all appointments.
This has been heartbreaking for me, to come to the realisation that he broke every single one of his promises, not only to me, to his family, but also to our 6 year old son. He does not care about how we feel. So anyway, I wanted to ask you questions about some of his "traits" and I was wondering whether they are common in alcoholics or whether these are traits of a sociopath:

- total disregard for the consequences of his drinking on "loved" ones.
- total lack of empathy to others' feelings
- inflated sense of self :"I am so special"
- paranoia:"you are having an affair" (yeah right, with a full time job, 2 kids to raise pretty much on my own, I sure have time to have an affair!!)
- It's always someone else's fault if he is drinking too much. ("I drink because you are a pain in the ass, I drink because we don't have sex, I drink because I am bored with you etc etc")
- lack of motivation to do anything apart from drinking.

The list could go on and on.... I have started to attend Al alanon meetings, although I feel that at this stage, my main priority is to ensure that I am emotionally and physically capable of leaving with my 2 sons while still working full time. I started taking antidepressants 4 weeks ago and this is helping but I still feel very very tired.

I am happy to be able to post on this board. I have read lots of threads that show me that there is a life out there after you leave your alcoholic partner. This has given me a lot of hope and I am looking forward to the day I will have my own place with my 2 sons....

Lucy

Well, I think the behaviors you describe are part and parcel of addiction, but does it really matter? If the behaviors are there because he is an alcoholic, sociopath, spoiled brat, or raging lunatic, they are still behaviors you cannot tolerate, right? So whatever the cause, in the end you're still left with what you accept in your life.

I used to try and figure out what my husband was thinking, why he did what he did, and it was a huge waste of my precious time and energy. He does what he does and only he has the ability to figure out why or to change it. Now I focus my energy on figuring out why I do what I do and what I can do to change it.

Best wishes to you and your children. They need at least one stable and sane parent and you are stepping up to the plate for them. Way to go!

L

You are so right. Why do I still try and figure him out? Maybe because he keeps telling me over and over again that there is no problem. That I am the problem, not him and his drinking, that if I leave, I will be the home breaker, not him....

He is very good at blaming me and while most of the time, I am at peace with my decision to leave, I still have my moments when doubts creep in and I feel guilty...

Another thing that has become unbrearable to me is the lying. He lies about so many things that I do not believe any word that come out of his mouth.

Thanks for the reply!!

Lucy

I heard all that, too. Especially after I made him leave. How I was keeping him from his children, etc.

Once I told him that I was trying to hear what he was saying but his actions were drowning out the words! I don't think he got it, but it helped me to see clearly that words are just words. It's the actions that matter.

L

I guess the way I try to make sense out of something that is virtually impossible to make sense out of is to know that in my case my exah was doing the best that he could at the time. I had to understand that he had a disease and that the only thing he could focus on was his fix. That is the power of alcoholism, everything else falls to the wayside and they go for the one thing that will numb them out and help them to not feel destroying things in their path. I tried to sort it out in my head and make sense of it but I have realized that gets me no where except ramped up so I quit that. I chose to worry about me and investing time and emotion and heart in things that I can affect....ME! There are choices and consequences. I guess the biggest thing I am trying to say is that they are sick and leave it at that. I know it is hard. When you are done, you will be done and focus on your recovery.

Yup!

OMG, yes!!

Not so much as the lack of empathy etc..but sometimes yes...more so when talking about other A's...he feels he's not like the others because he's intelligent, because he "wouldn't get that bad".

Paranoia, yup! Not so much about me having an affair, but stuff like I'm checking up on him when I'm not...or this one's funny...Last week I was playing a song by TLC called "Unpretty"...and he asked if I was trying to tell him something?! He'd listened to the lyrics and attributed them to me and thought I was having a dig at him via a song...I swear it was just part of the album I was listening to...ended up turning the music off, not worth the hassle!

Not really, he's pretty much got it down to blaming himself for everything.

Yup! Nothing but drink, go to the shop to buy drink and watch tv.

I can relate with the lying too...it drives me mad...But like LaTeeDa says, what's the point in trying to figure him out...

You know that his drinking is not your fault, right?

You know that you are NOT the homebreaker?

If you leave it will be because you could not live with HIS actions...and by the sounds of it you've put up with alot!

Are the behaviors characteristic of an A, you ask?

HELL YES!!!

It is a selfish disease -- lying, manipulating, uncaring. It makes the A a total slave. Don't become a slave, too.

He says there is no problem. He's trying to convince himself. DENIAL -- the ultimate symptom of alcoholism. The one that is most frustrating. Go to Alanon, learn for yourself and for your boys, and let A decide on his own what he needs to do.

**HUGS**

Well the story is the same.

Just insert name here______________

Mr. C., :haha:

Hi Lucy, and welcome back. Yes, there certainly is life out there after you leave your A s/o (if that is in fact what you decide is best for you)! I for one am living proof. Keep putting one foot in front of the other for you and your sons.

Keep coming back!

mr c says so much with so few words!!!! so true, so true, so true.....his blanket statement.

i'll insert my name on this one too.

al-anon was my life-line.......it helped save my sanity and help me to understand to focus on myself.

i quit hating him after awhile for having an addiction, and i like what NoChoice said about "he had a disease and was doing the best he could do."

this is what i had to figure out......if having a disease made my exh behave the way he did, did i want to stay on his radar? did i want to stay on the bullseye target for him to direct his behaviors towards me and those around me.

if he was sick, and chose to stay sick, so be it. i had to chose if i wanted to be his sick bullseye for the behaviors. i had to remove myself from his range, and save myself from his verbal, cruel, and sometimes physical abuse.

it's hard to believe that a disease can make a person behve such as this.....we are used to seeing sick people being nursed and nurtured and them being grateful for it. with my alcoholic, nurturing him just enabled him to continue on with the disease and the destruction of our relationship and my sanity, and affecting all those near and dear to me.

Hi Lucy06,,,,nice to "meet" ya,,,;)

Cookie cutter alkies,,,,yup :)

Now lets see if we recognize any "common traits" in codies:

- Trying ot make the A responsible for the consequences of his drinking on loved ones
- total control of the A's feelings, insisting on empathy
- inflated sense of martyrdom - I'm so persecuted
- paranoia, constantly looking in the weeds in the back yard for that bottle
- it must be the codies fault, since we're always being BRAINWASHED it is,,,
- lack of action to do anything but allow the madness to continue



As Mr C says,,,

INSERT NAME HERE _________

ok, so it was a little over the top,,he,he,he. Point is, I prefer to rent my space in my head to the things I can do to make myself better.

Peace

Yes, Mine is definitely capable of all the things you listed.

The worst is the lack of empathy, the inflated sense of self is pretty bad, too.

AlAnon WILL help you step outside of the dark box you are in. WHen you hear people saying the very thoughts that you have about your own life, in relation to theirs and their A, it is very freeing.

I am in the midst of No Contact, and we have a son. The child is the main issue for me right now. Even though my A pays no support, and was never able to live with us at all...I still feel guilty taking the child out of his life, but I realize that my son will only suffer if I dont make some boundaries.

ummm ... mine was actually very sweet 99% of the time and cared too much about other people's feelings. Never blamed me for his drinking. Did think he was special, but he was in lots of ways. He worked and still works like a dog.

Just because they are alcoholics doesn't mean that they are all the same in every way. I've said it here before: they are damaged human beings, not robots stamped out in a factory in China.

The toughest part for me was learning to not take the nasty behavior and words personally. That is the alcohol screwing with the brain that is talking, and not the person inside.

That may be true in some cases, but not all.

For others, being nasty is a part of 'the person inside'. In those cases, alcohol loosens their inhibitions enough to let that 'part of who they really are' show through. We often get confused and think it's 'just the alcohol' talking. So it really depends on the individual, imo!

I agree with learning not to take nasty behavior and words personally, as difficult as that may be at times.

Hi Lucy,
I was very much the man you describe. With the help of my wife and AA/NA I am almost 7 months sober and our life is being repaired beyond my expectations.
He has to want recovery and you have to have love for him for it to work.
Good luck.

My soon-to-be-ex-husband is SO NASTY, I am beginning to think that he just has a bad character. I've been blaming all his faults on alcoholism, but I think he's got a really evil side.

I think naturally nasty people are nasty with or without a chemical addiction present. I guess it takes having known the individual in question before they became alcoholic.
At open AA meetings I have met recovered nasty people as well as lovely people. They will all say that drinking did make them say terrible things to people especially loved ones