hbb

Hi there,

I was wondering, when you broke things off with an exA, did you get to a point where you felt no emotion. Just kind of going through the motions, not happy, not sad, not mad, not anything. I'm sitting here tonight after being out with my girlfriends and we had fun but lately i just don't feel. It's kind of weird, on occasion i tear up and on occasion i get mad (not long enough) but just kind of am here and blah!!

I see a counselor, i go to Al Anon (not as much these days), and am on Wellbutrin (past 2 weeks). I've been fine at work, no melt downs and go to bed and get up ok. But don't have any real thoughts of much of anything.

Do you think its because my brain was in absolute overload for 2 months and finally taking a break lol....i know this may sound weird but just wondering if it's normal to go a little while emotionless. Am i at acceptance? I don't think so yet.....

Thanks in advance!!!!

embraced2000

((((hbb))))

when i had the loss of my marriage, it was truly a loss. i went through so many differant stages of feelings......mostly just a big, hurting lump in my chest.

yes, i went through that stage of not feeling.....just going through the motions of getting through each day. my heart was beating, i was breathing, and i was moving. that was just about it.

brushing my hair was a chore. putting on makeup and getting dressed was like climbing a mountain that i mostly chose not to do on most days.

my friends gathered and had some sort of babysitting mission set for me, and they would come over and give me a list of things to do that day. i was just numb.
but i did what they asked me to do, because i trusted them and loved them.

after awhile, normal functions become routine and felt kinda ok. pretty soon, it felt good. then it felt wonderful.

many blessings to you
jeri

hbb

(((embraced)))) I'm so sorry you went through that. It's so hard. I don't think i'm really anything. I do fine on the day to day things like working, the gym, out with friends but just kind of feel ok if that makes any sense! My pit in my stomach went away last week for the first time since JUNE!!! And i haven't really cried...weird lol!!!! Maybe it is a sign of the light at the end of the tunnel but then again i know i will have hard times again. I think for me having no contact may be the best. I may or may not see him at a end of the Summer function on Sunday i'm going with my friends and he is a member there. Not going intentionally but also want to have a good day....undecided right now....maybe that's how i feel, undecided. Oh for Pete sake, i sound nuts don't i!!!!

MsGolightly

you don't sound nuts at all!

i think this feeling is what someone said on another thread (ce girl, i think) about feeling numb. i've been there and am still there sometimes... not just about my ex, but about everything. i also think it had to do with being SO emotional for months that it was just drained out of me. like my body and my heart don't have the strength to have any kinds of emotions right now.

that feeling has passed for the most part, but i think it will come and go, for everyone. you sound so great to me!!

hbb

Thanks so much InThis.....fake it till you make it right!! Ya you nailed it, it's like i've drained every sort of possibility about my exA that there is no more thought process to be had. Maybe i got tired of being tired and now i'm ok, i'm not going to complain with ok. Just new for me. If you knew me, i'm not one to even remotely like myself at all which i'm working on but ya, my brain is too calm it's freaky, but i'm wondering if deep down inside it's denial and i'm not accepting that.

criss-cross

I wouldn't say I have no emotions now - (but it's been almost a year since we separated)

I'm not sad - although there are times I think of all the things I wanted, like growing old, traveling, all the things I thought I would do with my husband that will never happen. But those feelings just come around when someone else says they're going a cruise or vacation somewhere with their spouse and I don't have one (well not for much longer -or one I'd want to do anything with anyway)

I'm not happy all the time - I do have less stress not having to deal with stbxah day in day out. I have to rely on myself ALOT more to do all those guy things. (lighting the furnace, putting on the storm windows, etc.) But in a way having to do these things give me strength.

I'm mad at him sometimes for all the crap he's put me thru, having to file for divorce, file bankruptcy, raise the kids on my own, run them here & there & everywhere when he has absolutely no responsibility - can't even pay his cell phone bill. (good thing for me - cause now he doesn't call)

But many days I just feel sorry for him - that he can't pull himself out of this- no matter what he's lost (and he's lost alot).

hbb

wow Criss Cross, your stbxh sounds very similar to mine and im finally getting it that it is more than him in lifelong recovery. I think maybe i'm accepting the fact that he is who he is and will probably not change anytime soon, i.e. money, turned off phone, hardly can pay rent, never shops (clothes or food), no vacations....all those things i can and do want and that i was paying for.

Maybe i'm finally getting it in my head from my family at SR that i do have a second chance and should embrace it...i don't know. My heart still longs for him at times and just as i said i haven't cried, a little flow!!! I just want to help him, you know? And i know he's the only one that can do that.

Mr. Christian

You know, after awhile I think it just goes awy somewhat.
Like every relationship that ends, things pass.
I think it's a good place for you right now.
Just go with it.

hmbld

I'm willing to bet it is the wellbutrin.

hmbld

I took wellbutrin to quit smoking. The feeling of no emotions at all was the side effect on me. It was really bizaare.

ICU

Wellbutrin was my first guess as I don't really know how different people react to that. I would check with whomever prescribed Wellbutrin for you and ask if that's a side effect that you should be concerned with, etc. Maybe a dosage adjustment might be in order?

But putting that aside, sometimes the 'numb' feeling comes upon me when I've been much too overwhelmed for much too long. It's sort of like a protective mechanism...another survival skill, if you will.

I found it to be a temporary state, and it seemed to go on much longer than it really had. I'm ususally a very emotional person, meaning I feel things very, very deeply and am often moved to tears by even a simple heart-warming tv commercial. So being 'numb' is the direct opposite of my normal 'wearing my heart on my sleeve' state of mind.

But being 'numb' is also a signal to me that a major release of emotions will soon be on their way. It happens when I am better equipped to deal with them I guess. So don't be surprised if your tears turn from a trickle into a raging flow when you least expect it. These things tend to happen when we are ready for them to happen.

Might be a good idea to discuss all of this in detail with your counselor so they can reassure you too that 'no, you are not nuts'!

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and believe you will make it through!

cagefree

hbb - Sorry to hear about the numbness. Feeling nothing when all I'm trying to do is figure out how I feel would be frustrating to say the least.

Could be the meds - talk to your doc like icu and hmbld suggested.

I also want to second ICU's comment that it's a sign of a major breakthrough on the horizon. You feel when you are ready to feel.

I used to grieve through numbness - I prized myself on being able to hold it togther and love how I don't have to do that anymore.

Please take care of you - you're doing great!

hbb

Thank you, i was wondering if it was the meds. curving my everyday crying. I don't feel bad per say. Just kind of ok at the moment if you will. I just went for a walk this morning and passed that clown...which i just have to get used too and i think the more it happens the more my stomach won't drop!! I keep looking ahead and suck in and walk faster lol!!! I do think that my brain was on overload for so long that maybe it's taking a rest from all the drama i've consumed with and without my ex. Gosh i hope another wave to crying doesn't come soon, i thought i was dried up!!

SaTiT

Yes, it's a defence machenism for me..from all the turama of
not really knowing or anticipating what might happen next
when things gose good then wham bam..off she gose into
a relapsed and all the freaken chaos again.

it also stems from me being acoa which is the root or cuase
of why I'm codependent. Pretty much lived with an alki
all my life. From early on in life i just emotionally shut down
to survived all of the turama.
So i do the reacting as a child when I'm an adult.

This is what I went through.
on a spiritual level the reason why i choose unhealthy relationship
is becuase the pain that happens in the present triggers a familar
pain. While the current pain or situation is not exactly the same,
it feels the same. The current pain get so great that it's almost
just the same as the deep, deep pain i barried as a child.
Ultimately , i get sick of the current pain and pain all together.
But it hurts so much just like the old pain...
it's an opportunity for me to process my deep, deep pain
that i never process..becuase i emotionally shut down or numb out.
A break down can actaully be a break through.

I read about it in the PTSD section...it mentions about the
threashold of pain...i didn't agree with it at first, but as i was
going through my healing process or certain event kept happening.
i recalled what i read and didn't totally trip. i happened to
be doing an inventory of my childhood at the time..so everything
kind of came together.

I still catch myself numbing out sometimes...i reconize it now.
it's just old habits, so i don't trip. it passes. it's gotten fewer
and further apart.

and it helps that my gf got clean and sober too.

cagefree

I wish I understood at the time how my expectations helped to cause my own grief when I was with XABF.

He drinks cuz he's an alcoholic, not because he's anxious. Remove anxiety with no program of recovery and something else will become the reason, the most likely thing he'll pick - YOU.

I have epilepsy which I've been working hard to treat all my life. I got better because I take care of myself on a daily basis - I have to or else not only me, but others pay, I'll lose my license if I have a seizure if I forget to take my meds and who's going to take me to work? So, I take care of me so I can be self-sufficient and not have to depend on others. I don't say I can't go to work today cuz I have epilepsy. I go to work BECAUSE I have epilepsy and I need money for medicine and insurance to see the doctor.

You aren't being mean or cold-hearted for refusing to lend a hand to someone who doesn't care enough about his or her own self to do it for themselves. It's protecting yourself and helping the person to face consequences and be accountable to the choices they make.

I think you got it right spinner - you are waiting to see actions from him - can he be self-sufficient? Can he be independent? Being independent is hard enough when it's just 1 person. When you are doing things for him, it will come at your expense...and I think you see that

SaTiT

lol..I'm also a recoverying perfectionish.

i lower my expections of others so i don't set myself up for a let down.
There's certain things that people are incapiable of..in any circumstance.
The more i can accept the reality and the truth of it all, the clearer I'll
see.

I don't know, I wouldn't expect you to drive yourself to the hospital
if you're have a seasure.

lostnfound1961

Can I have some welbutran? No, I don't think I need that right now. I do feel the numbness a lot though. I think in some ways it's how I deal with the pain in my life. Something I learned as a kid. DON"T FEEL.

hbb

thank you so much for your replies to this. I'm wondering if i'm seeing things clearer and the meds. are helping because i don't feel as badly and i'm not what if'ing anything anymore and am wondering why, but like Mr. C said, just go with it. Although, i'm going to Al Anon as i need it most tonight, i haven't heard from a friend in a few days so i automatically think she's mad at me. No reasons, but never called or emailed me back.....and i should know better because she has 3 kids and works 2 jobs. I need to really learn how to bounce things off my shoulders that aren't a problem and stop creating a problem in my head. That's where i've remained stuck....in crappy thinking....does that make sense...

irelandx7

As a person who has been on Zoloft (a similar anti-D) for more than 4 years now, I can tell you that you should start to feel better in a few weeks. Antidepressants take about a month to see any sort of improvement. I know I didn't feel like "me" again until about 4-6 weeks after I started my treatment.

But oh, when they "kick in" it's like seeing the world through a different light. You just feel like "you" again. Funny, I've never felt the numbness that you describe. I guess they just affect people differently

**HUGS**

hbb

That's what people have told me that it takes about 4 weeks. I don't have a numb feeling i kinda have a nothing running through my brain feeling!!! The racing, wondering, pondering, upsetting stuff has subsided in the past couple of days thank the lord!!!! I think at the moment i'm "ok" and i think i'm ok with that!! Granted yes, i do think of my ex, like this morning when i passed him walking but it was all his choices, i wanted to stay together, it was out of my hands and for that i'm not chasing, begging, calling or anything, don't have it in me. Like Ireland said, wanting to get back to myself (to a point) but not the depressed me that existed for the past 8 or so years....