Buffalo66

I did decide to have no contact about a week ago. He is definitely itching to get at me and engage in the yuck dance that we do.

I have been itching, too...almost madly. I am so worried that he doesnt understand. I DID not tell him clearly that this was NO CONTACT. I told him that I was working on me, and I wont speak with him while he is under the influence. BUt he is ALWAYS under the influence. Hence the No COntact.

As far as why did I choose to make this no contact? Because when the phone even rings my stomach drops, my skin crawls, my palms sweat. I am afraid of the loss, the casualties that I suffer in my heart each time we engage. We are actively harming each other. I have stepped out and begun to take inventory, and see my role, and that I want a different life. He is still trying to do that ugly dance with me. He does not get that I am unable to even look at him. I get scared, and overwhelmed...SOOO much pain from how he has cheated, lied, physically hurt me(then acted as if it couldnt have been that bad).

He is ordered to rehab by the court. He hasnt begun yet, he says I have fed him to the cops(twisted unreality). I cant reason with him and he is over the edge.

When I see him I am attracted to him,I have wanted to hug him and bring him home. I am scared to death that he will not know that I love him, and really only want the best for us both, and that this has all become so out of hand. I cannot be trusted to protect my inner self, and therefore my son if left to be in contact with my A.

These are the reasons that I do not want contact. I have lost my footing. Im sure you can all tell how truly very confused I am. I am in the thick of it Right NOW, and I want to get better and get my soul back.

I am fragmented, and some of me wants to believe that I could remain detached and that my son should have fun with his daddy, and why should he lose out on that just because I cant Let things go.... I know... its all pretty broken over here, I am trying to piece me back together. Thanks for all your help...

BTW; I told him, "No, I am not ready to see you, we are not healthy for each other. We need to commit to not hurting each other, then I will consider seeing how we feel."

ICU

That's fine Buffalo. Actually, that's great! You did what you felt was best for you and, for your son.

BTW, I noticed you made reference to the fact that he "physically hurt you". In situations like that, even if it happens only once, I'd like to suggest that you read the stickies at the top re: ABUSE! It might be a good idea to educate yourself on that subject as well. There are also domestic violence hotline numbers that you can call and talk to a 'live person'...someone that is knowledgeable and can give you their input. Knowledge is power!

I know this was difficult for you!!

denny57

(((buffalo66)))

irelandx7

Good for you for standing your ground. I admire your strength! It's shining through!

Barbara52

Good for you. Give yourself the time you need to feel your own inner strength so you are better able to understand what you (and your son) need.

Pick-a-name

(((B66))) your're doing great. One foot in front of the other.

Thanks for sharing this...it has helped me today,too.

CatsPajamas

Good for you ! I understand, I went thru a similar situation. I was able to deal with the complexities a bit better when I realized that WE were toxic. It was the combination of both that made for the unpleasantness.... I likened it to baking soda and vinegar. Both are fairly harmless and pleasant on their own, but when you mix the two, you get a volcano like reaction.

Maybe that will help you. And YOU get to decide which of you is BS and which is V !



Hugs

Cats

WantsOut

Buffalo, you followed your heart and did what you knew was best. Brava!

Lady BlueMiles

I think you made the smart choice for the mental health and well being of everyone concerned.
1. You're enforcing the boundaries you need for you. Too many women are robbed of taking the time they need to regain their footing by being hooked back into the same old same old and the cycle continues.
2. It protects your son from an unhealthy relationship. He needs at least one healthy parent and you are working on that. Sure the camping trip would be nice, but not until the dad has recovery time. If his son means that much to him he'll think about that and takes the steps he needs for his own recovery to be a healthy parent in the future.
3. You didn't enable your bf. His addiction and abusive behaviour in the past has consequence and it's his responsibility to stand on his own two feet and do something about his own issues if he chooses.

You're making some darn good choices imo considering the pain and suffering and insanity you've been presented with.

My husband is also an abusive alcoholic. More and more he exibits classic behaviours of a verbal, mental and emotional abuser.

I'm not that religious, but the quote "Love thine enemies" comes to mind. In my situation it means learning all I can about abuse and and alcohol addiction to readily recognize and spot it. It's getting easier to see it clearly when he engages. One of the biggies is him expecting me to accept blame, total or in part, for outcomes from his addictions and abusive behaviour.

I can't leave him just yet, and it's hard to live with it, but from being able to see what he's doing I dont take is so personally anymore. It still causes me pain to see him like that but I don't take the accusations and blame he spews personally anymore. That's what detachment means to me, I recognize the disease and sickness, and know they're is nothing I can do about him and can only take care of myself. He has to deal with healing his own inner self. Until he does that he's no good to himself, me, or anybody else. I'm working on getting out because life is becoming unlivable with him. It's very sad. I'm hoping I'll have half your courage you have shown in this recent post.