Buffalo66

OK, I just came home from an alanon meeting.

Everyone talks about detachment, but most of them are living with their As, while I am trying to do this no contact thing... I am so confused.

My friend reminded me to accentuate the positive, the things he does that are healthy, fair, to feed his light and his health, mostly by example, but...also in being there for the parts of him that are good,clear,and then when/if he becomes unruly, manipulative, mean, drunk, etc, then you bow out. That is detaching?

My A just called me and left a message asking if my son and I would like to come out to the cabin tomorrow night for a sleep out under the stars. He says, just us three. No booze.

I sense that he is panicking because I am really 'no contact-ing' him...and that he is trying to manipulate, but, I also know that this is the type of thing that we should be doing with our son. The people at Alanon seem to be saying, you just learn to live with it--let sleeping dogs lie, as long as you make your boundaries and stay safe, and dont give him any of your energy.

I am obviously confused, and I feel like a walking wound these last two weeks. Part of me wants to call him back and say, YES!!!

Another part knows what he is doing, but isnt this just a matter of picking your battles,as they say in Alanon? Please share?

WantsOut

I don't think there is anything wrong with testing the waters if you WANT to. IT;s about you, what you want, what you think is best for your son, etc.

What do you really want, knowing that you can't control anyone's behavior but your own?

LaTeeDa

One of the things I have learned is to listen to my gut, my instincts, that inner voice that tells you all you need to know. We tend to ignore that voice because it interferes with the illusions and expectations we have. The wish we want to come true. I don't know if that is what is happening here, but I do know that if I listen to that quiet inner voice, it will never steer me wrong.

Sometimes I try so hard to do what I think is 'right' I don't listen to what my inner self is telling me--which is really what's 'right for me.'

Sorry if that sounds vague, but it's all I can offer.

L

denny57

I agree with LTD. One of the most precious gifts I received from Al-Anon is trusting my own decisions. I can't tell if you're getting advice or just interpreting it that way, but sharing at Al-Anon is just that, sharing. No one should give advice. It says it right there in our literature.

((()))

Buffalo66

Some of it is my interpretation of the literature, while the friend and I spoke alone after the meeting, so that was real friend to friend talk about how she put it all into boxes for herself.

You are all helping me to define what this detaching concept is, and it is an enigmatic thing, is it not, then? Keep your serenity, on YOUR terms in YOUR heart and gut.

I am really enjoying the Alanon groups,and learning a ton, and unravelling in a good way, some..I just know that I am walking a fine line here, in myself; I dont want to trick MYSELF. I dont want to be doing things to 'force change in him'.
I want to keep my eye on the prize... in this case my relatively calm, unravelling serenity. This strange slowly decompressing sensation of reclaiming my own energy....This sense that so many parts of me that I thought were dead are really just alseep, and they are beginning to stir.

I guess only I can know if I am ready to stand in the wind of his con games, his drug speaking through him. I dont know if I can.

My son would pee his pants with joy, though if we all slept outside in a tent!!

LaTeeDa

So maybe you go--for your son's sake--but without expectation that your husband really means to change. Maybe you just take it for what it is--a weekend trip. And a chance to make your son smile.

Sometimes I know I try to make things into more than they really are.

L

Okay, after a little more thought, I must clarify. I would only do it if I could make it clear to both husband and son that it was just a weekend. Not a hope of things to come. If son is too young or unable to understand that, I would not do it. The false hope would outweigh the good time. You can always take your son camping on your own if that's what he wants.

denny57

That is fantastic - defining the prize as something for yourself. Today I have a serenity in my life I never thought possible just a short year ago.

Good night!

((()))

Apolla

Why would someone "test the waters" with an alcoholic that is still drinking and not getting treatment?

What is there to test? Our own sanity?

WantsOut

Maybe it's about finding our own limits and boundaries.

Your tone is very confrontational. I dislike it.

MsPINKAcres

For me when I have to make those major decisions (and almost everything involving the A's are major decisions for me - lol) I like to do a Pro/Con list on Paper.

To look at all the facts - the good, the bad and the ugly before I make my decision. And if I do decide to spend time with the A, I ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS make sure to have a PLAN B. To be able to leave if the A does not respect the preset boundaries, such as no drinking, no using, bad behaviors, etc. - I always have a way to leave and make sure that I do leave at any point that I feel my serenity & safety are at stake.

Seek guidance from your HP and trust your ability to know what is right for you & your son - it's ok to take care of YOU - your A can take care of himself.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

irelandx7

When you yourself makes steps forward to recovery (because us married to or affected by an A need to recover, too) maybe that's when they finally see the light? Not guaranteed, but definitely a good start.

Recovery can take a lifetime, it won't happen overnight. You are learning, and that's the greatest gift from all the crap that you have been through.

hope-faith

Buffalo, now I'm a bit confused! (LOL) If you have decided to have no contact, then why is this weekend trip even a possibility? You're having no contact with your A, it's working and now he's testing your boundaries using your son as the bait. I think no contact should be just that -- no contact. If that's, in fact, what you want.

Instead of caving to his manipulation, I would happily take your A's great idea, just do it without him. Your son would have a ball, you would be continuing your commitment of no contact while enjoying your son's company, and your A would be left scratching his head realizing you are serious and that life is going on without him.

Just my thoughts on it. Best to you!!!

cdk1972

If anything, (And believe me, i would have absolutely NO strength to listen to my own words here) but if anything, if you say no contact and back up what you say, maybe a part of him will "get" that you're sticking to what you say from now on. whether you want to or not, you're not just "threatening" anymore.

leenymclaugh

The 3 P's (pause, ponder and pray) come to mind. Only you and your HP know what's best.

Hugs,
Eileen

theotherone

Each of us is in at a different point in our recovery. If you choose to go and it works out...you're further along on your journey. If you choose to go and it doesn't work out...you're further along on your journey. Either way, you win...you're further along on your journey. You need to do what you want to do, whether it's your heart or your brain telling you what to do. Good luck to you and yours!

Barbara52

I don't remember how old your son is. Can he understand that this is just a weekend or will it build expectations in him that mom and dad are getting back together? That would be a huge factor in my decision.

I also have to ask why are you now changing your mind about your previous no contact decision? Are you doing this for you? For your son? For your AH? What led to the no contact decision earlier and why change that now?

Buffalo66

I did decide to have no contact about a week ago. He is definitely itching to get at me and engage in the yuck dance that we do.

I have been itching, too...almost madly. I am so worried that he doesnt understand. I DID not tell him clearly that this was NO CONTACT. I told him that I was working on me, and I wont speak with him while he is under the influence. BUt he is ALWAYS under the influence. Hence the No COntact.

As far as why did I choose to make this no contact? Because when the phone even rings my stomach drops, my skin crawls, my palms sweat. I am afraid of the loss, the casualties that I suffer in my heart each time we engage. We are actively harming each other. I have stepped out and begun to take inventory, and see my role, and that I want a different life. He is still trying to do that ugly dance with me. He does not get that I am unable to even look at him. I get scared, and overwhelmed...SOOO much pain from how he has cheated, lied, physically hurt me(then acted as if it couldnt have been that bad).

He is ordered to rehab by the court. He hasnt begun yet, he says I have fed him to the cops(twisted unreality). I cant reason with him and he is over the edge.

When I see him I am attracted to him,I have wanted to hug him and bring him home. I am scared to death that he will not know that I love him, and really only want the best for us both, and that this has all become so out of hand. I cannot be trusted to protect my inner self, and therefore my son if left to be in contact with my A.

These are the reasons that I do not want contact. I have lost my footing. Im sure you can all tell how truly very confused I am. I am in the thick of it Right NOW, and I want to get better and get my soul back.

I am fragmented, and some of me wants to believe that I could remain detached and that my son should have fun with his daddy, and why should he lose out on that just because I cant Let things go.... I know... its all pretty broken over here, I am trying to piece me back together. Thanks for all your help...

BTW; I told him, "No, I am not ready to see you, we are not healthy for each other. We need to commit to not hurting each other, then I will consider seeing how we feel."

denny57

(((buff))) It may be hard to believe based on my posts today but in late 2005 I was EXACTLY where you are in your thinking. There is no need to tell someone you are "going no contact" on them. It just sets up the old dance. I did it for me.

I remember when I was EXACTLY where you are today in your thinking, I said to my therapist, I think I should write him a note so he knows that I love him. All she said was "why?" Something clicked in me that day and I knew what I had to do to improve my life. I did it, though I can honestly say I didn't want to at that moment. Something in me just accepted if I jumped off the cliff something would protect me.

My wish for you is serenity.

kj21

hmm, there is a lot of advise here to take in. My two cents would be to do what YOU want to do. do not do it for him, maybe not even for your son. What do you want to do to make you happy this weekend? If you say no, will you second guess yourself all weekend? If you say yes, will you be wondering why you are there? Trust your gut, do what is tells you! It may be part of your recovery!

Barbara52

I insisted on no contact when I left my AH because I needed time to heal and get to know myself. My AH, much to my surprise, has respected my wishes. Its been 2 months and he still contacts me only rarely by email to let me know about stuff I need to know about (a delievery at the house kinda stuff). It has helped me emensely!