He came home drunk from work!

Old 09-11-2007, 10:47 AM
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Keepingmyjoy
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I am also in NY...the police don't do much as long as they are not disturbing the peace of neighbors, or causing harm. Pretty much they can be falling down drunk and they don't do anything if they own the house. Pretty sad.

I would love to "banish" him to the garage! But, right now, he seems to have no desire to honor any boundaries. He is really to the point that he does not care. So, I will end up having to leave I think.

Last edited by keepingmyjoy; 09-11-2007 at 10:49 AM. Reason: add comment
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Old 09-11-2007, 10:49 AM
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My heart just goes out to you! How terribly hard this is!

Look yourself in the mirror and see that beautiful 10 year old little girl. Tell her that she is protected and she is safe. She is loved. By you - her adult.

You will not only survive - you will THRIVE!

One day at a time!
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Old 09-11-2007, 10:52 AM
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Thanks for the reminder of that little girl...she almost got left behind....but I won't let her go! Oh God...I can't wait to thrive!
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Old 09-11-2007, 10:58 AM
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PS - calling the police is more than about what they can or can't do. It makes a very clear statement to the spouse but even more so to us. I will not allow this rational boundary to be violated. My life is lived healthy. Period.

That little girl needs you to mother her. To take care of her and to heal her.

You can, you're big now. You have choices that she didn't have at 10.

Take great care of her, she needs you!
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Old 09-11-2007, 11:03 AM
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My attorney (who is also a co-worker and friend) told me that I cannot simply throw my AH out even if I file for divorce unless he becomes physically abusive, destroys property or threatens me or our son with physical harm. Even then I would have to get a restraining order to force him to move. In most states a primary residence purchased during a marriage has both names on the deed, that is why you can't just "throw him out". Now if you go through a divorce and the court awards you the house then he must leave.

I have personal experience with this issue, my parents divorced and my father refused to believe my mom was going through with it and would not move out (he is not an A just a big jerk). The judge had to tell him to move out at the final hearing......in many state's the term "a man's home is his castle" is alive and well (Terry's experience with the police is pretty typical). Those who can get their A to leave are lucky IMO.
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Old 09-11-2007, 11:11 AM
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Well, the house was purchased before our marriage, is in his name only. Not much of a leg to stand on in terms of staying here. But, I do have proof I paid my 1/2 of the mortgage throughout....maybe will see something in a settlement somewhere. But I am now at the point that I don't care about anything about getting peace and joy in my life for myself and son!

Sorry your mom had to go thru divorce hadenough!
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Old 09-11-2007, 11:46 AM
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Just wanted to add to the experiences in NY - yes, you can't kick your spouse out but you can play dirty(ish) in order to protect yourself and your kids. Call the police if he drives drunk. The cops all get domestic violence training - if he punches a hole in the wall you can call them and tell them he was threatening you and your child and you're afraid of him. They will have a man-to-man with him.

Try for an order of protection - then he can't come near you which means he can't come home.

I know this all seems very dramatic and maybe you'll never need to go there (please Lord) but just store it in your noodle in case you need it.

Cops are often macho men who don't approve of wussy men who like to scare women and children. Let them know you are not the yo-yo type who is going to have him back in two days and they will help you.
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Old 09-11-2007, 11:51 AM
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Thanks Wantsout....I will keep all that in my back pocket. If I was the kind of person that would lie, I could point to all the 6 or 7 holes in the wall of the garage and say he went nuts! Can't do that though. But I should have done it when they happened. Problem was, usually it happened when he was out there with his brother and they got drunk and little guy and I were in bed sleeping and did not see them til morning after!
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Old 09-11-2007, 11:51 AM
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I also owned my house in NY before we married. Do you comingle funds in joint checking or anything like that? CAuse that's what almost cost me half my house. I finally appealed to his good nature that my family had given the house to me, not to him, and he dropped his claim. If not, I would have owed him half the equity. I made a deal that I would get no alimony and he would get no equity. You need to find a bargaining chip.

Make sure you have a really good lawyer. Some act like they only play one on TV tho they've passed the bar (can I make an alky joke here a la "The Money Pit"?)



Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy View Post
Well, the house was purchased before our marriage, is in his name only. Not much of a leg to stand on in terms of staying here. But, I do have proof I paid my 1/2 of the mortgage throughout....maybe will see something in a settlement somewhere. But I am now at the point that I don't care about anything about getting peace and joy in my life for myself and son!

Sorry your mom had to go thru divorce hadenough!
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Old 09-11-2007, 12:17 PM
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Just to clarify - I live in California, a community property state. Nothing was legally keeping AH out of the house. In my case, I had enough proof to make it legal, i.e. a restraining order, but the attorneys had a "discussion." When we had the mandatory settlement conference I asked for sole use of the marital property and the judge awarded it. What was said in the judge's chambers I do not know.

I think the broad message of my experience is I stopped relinquishing control of my life to alcoholism. Anything is possible when I believe it is so.
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Old 09-11-2007, 02:00 PM
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WantsOut, we have no joint accounts. Everything is separate-Thank goodness!

He got a ride home from work today! OMG! Probably because he knew he pissed me off yesterday. He starts helping with son and acting like nothing happened! I WANT TO SCREAM! How dare he just go about living and not being sorry! He does not appear to have drank today at work, had other people from same company there so probably couldn't.

I have to remember the good advice I got today:

next time you come home and have been drinking, i'm leaving. period.

i need you to know that i cannot tolerate living under these conditions anymore, and if you choose to continue to drink, than i choose to seek somewhere else to live. period.

"And btw, I've had it with your drinking and if it doesn't stop I am going to divorce you. Life is too short to put up with your drunken abuse."

:uzi: :uzi: :uzi: Thats what I want to do!
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