Same old lines
 

Someone recently posted about how their ex would call once in a while to check up, say hi. My xabf does this too. Calls once a week or so just to "check in" He got kicked out of the place he was staying and according to him is doing side jobs here and there, is homeless, but still drinking once in a while. He called me tonight from a payphone to say the same old thing. He missed me, he loves me, he needs me. Do I love him? And the kicker. "I don't think I need treatment, but if YOU think I do, then YOU find a place for me and I'll go. I'll do Anything to get you back. I don't want alcohol anymore." (yet earlier in the conversation he said that if he had money he probably would be drinking cuz he's depressed over his life). No matter how far along I have come, I still cannot believe the things his says. I cannot believe that this man doesn't think he has a problem, that he cannot make the connection between his life and drinking. Oh sure, when I point it out to him ( I know, wrong move) he says yes, he says alcohol has caused alot of problems over his whole life, but not this time because right now he's not drinking (only due to having no money). and I'm sure his "right now" is at that precise moment or that day.

He kept saying the same thing over and over. I want you back, tell me what I have to do, I'll quit drinking, this time is it. Then he starts with you know I treat you good. I was like oh, you mean when you lie to me, call me names when "I make you mad".

At least now, finally, I recognize it for what it is - manipulation. I know he may never quit drinking. And I do think he feels love in his way, but he still places conditions on quitting - if you do this, then I'll quit. Despite jails, hospitals, homeless, jobless etc. He still drinks.

I'm so glad I'm not going down that road anymore. Saying hmm, maybe if I go back with him, or if I stick by him he'll stop. Doesn't work that way. The 3 C's all the way!

I'm looking out for myself. My issues. My life. Things I need to work on. And it feels good to be doing that. Of course I hope he gets help someday, I still do miss what he could be and the man I knew during the brief stints of not drinking. But no way will I put myself in the position I was in before with him. I'm letting him live his life - it's his choice to keep drinking and his life no matter how it is.

brdlvr

Celebrating for you and with you!! So great!

OMG, good for you!!! I admire your strength and courage. You are lifting yourself up, and that's the ultimate reward to yourself! :banana:

We must judge an addicts desire for sobriety not by their words, but by their actions and verifiable results.

On this forum many have used the term "quack" "quacking" to describe an addicts talking BS, lying, etc etc.

Personally I think this does a tremendous disservice to ducks, harmless, well intentioned animals, that can be fun to be with.

Hi, brdlvr - I'm glad you're back with us. I've followed your situation from the beginning and I am so happy you have detached and learned to see your ex for what he is. Ah yes, the endless manipulation that they believe they can wave like a magic wand, and VOILA! we will go running into their arms. Yeah, right ...

B.S. is just that B.S. - and it smells bad too. He wants you back. The last time I read about recovery (today, as a matter of fact), I don't recall anyone's sobriety being subject to negotiation. Only hostage-taking is subject to negotiation.

If he wants it, he'll have to want it for him. The next time he suggests you find him a rehab facility, suggest he pick up a local phone book, look up a place, and use his fingers to punch buttons on a device commonly referred to as a telephone.

Maybe someday he'll make the connection between his life going down the crapper and his drinking. Then again, maybe not. It sounds as if you really understand that it's HIS problem, even though understanding why he'd trash his life for booze is hard to understand. I think all of us who aren't addicts grapple with that everyday.

I'm glad you're back and you sound so much better. You go, girl!!!

Thank you for sharing - it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not alone in still caring for someone who I know is controlled more by the bottle than by love. I've taken my bf to two rehab centers only to have the same result when he comes home. Of course, it is always my fault. Each time he leaves, he says he is not coming back, but then the phone rings and "things will be different". The only difference in two years is that now I'm broke both financially and spiritually, and have learned the hard way that I cannot "help" him with his recovery, if recovery is possible for him.

One thing about A's is that they are so incredibly good at manipulation it is scary sometimes. I applaud you for what you are doing and doesnt it feel good to do things for yourself?

I do it all the time now and I am now realizing how good life can be.

Thanks all for your words of support and understanding. You know, even after I wrote this - I still felt such sadness yesterday. I talked it through with my counselor and I feel better but still. I am dumbfounded that he doesn't get it. I'm sad that I know we could have a good life together but he is choosing to cope with life by drinking. I'm angry too, but not so much at him anymore ( although sometimes I wish I was). But I realize that he is where he is in his life and there is NOTHING I can do to get him to quit or stay quit. Love him, leave him, go back, get angry, feel sorry, give words of encourgement, build him up, keep an eye on him - Nothing works until he is ready.

And Lakemama -- My xbf was in 3 rehabs. Twice at the Salvation Army, one detox/halfway house. I stuck by him - visited him. And he still didn't make any of them past 30 days. As soon as he earned some privledges/freedom to leave the premises - he would drink and then got kicked out. I was on and off for 5 years with him. Took me along time to get where I am. And I still have such a long way to go. I'm going to start Al anon. Because I still get those old codie urges.