What in the world?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
What in the world?
So, I went home on leave (from Iraq) and had a wonderful time with my parents and family and their new puppy. I went to meetings, to the spa, and had bicycle custom built to bring back here to Iraq.
I moved out of my husbands house after five months of marriage before I deployed to Iraq and it was very hard at the time but I know that for me, I made the right choice. I am happy that I did that and filed for divorce. I will be divorced from him in early Dec. I have picked up on my life where I left off so many years ago and I am so happy. Of course when I got off the plane and to my Mom's house I tried on my wedding bands and just broke down sobbing. I was sad, so sad that my marriage didn't work out despite how much I wanted it to. I put the rings away and was grateful for the peaceful time I had with my family.
Since I have been away from my ex AH I told him that he knew where I would be if he wanted to be a husband. He never called or wrote or anything. He did send care packages to me with out any note. I know that drinking is his choice. I know that he needs to drink--his disease tells him so.
He sent me a cd he made in the last care package. It bothered me anytime a package came because I would think about him but I would give the contents to the people that don't get care packages. When he put something personal in there (CD of hand picked music) I threw it away and talked to the post office about "return to sender" so now I will not accept anymore of his packages.
So, at work after I got back from leave, I got an email from him. There was no subject, no words, just a link attached. I clicked on the like and it was to a website where there was a video clip of him looking like he was about to cry holding up a sign that said "we just miscarried." Oh my gosh that hurt so bad. I wanted to talk to him about our miscarriage back in May 05 when it happened but he wouldn't talk to me about it. He would go get drunk over it and come home and be mean to me.
I never really got to deal with the miscarriage because I was sorting out my life and trying to keep it together for work and the deployment over here and dealing with him. Now I am over here in Iraq and he is going to send me that crap???? I know he must be hurting. Is this just another example of the numerous times he tried to hurt me? I wanted our baby so much, I wanted out marriage more, I wanted it all but it wasn't a good place for me to be because no one should be treated the way I was being treated. I just needed to vent and get this off my chest. I think it is odd that a very private guy put something so personal on the internet. I blocked his email from coming to my account any longer. I don't want another face shot out of the blue. I think it is pretty obvious that he is not stable. I guess my heart still hurts. Thanks for listening.
I moved out of my husbands house after five months of marriage before I deployed to Iraq and it was very hard at the time but I know that for me, I made the right choice. I am happy that I did that and filed for divorce. I will be divorced from him in early Dec. I have picked up on my life where I left off so many years ago and I am so happy. Of course when I got off the plane and to my Mom's house I tried on my wedding bands and just broke down sobbing. I was sad, so sad that my marriage didn't work out despite how much I wanted it to. I put the rings away and was grateful for the peaceful time I had with my family.
Since I have been away from my ex AH I told him that he knew where I would be if he wanted to be a husband. He never called or wrote or anything. He did send care packages to me with out any note. I know that drinking is his choice. I know that he needs to drink--his disease tells him so.
He sent me a cd he made in the last care package. It bothered me anytime a package came because I would think about him but I would give the contents to the people that don't get care packages. When he put something personal in there (CD of hand picked music) I threw it away and talked to the post office about "return to sender" so now I will not accept anymore of his packages.
So, at work after I got back from leave, I got an email from him. There was no subject, no words, just a link attached. I clicked on the like and it was to a website where there was a video clip of him looking like he was about to cry holding up a sign that said "we just miscarried." Oh my gosh that hurt so bad. I wanted to talk to him about our miscarriage back in May 05 when it happened but he wouldn't talk to me about it. He would go get drunk over it and come home and be mean to me.
I never really got to deal with the miscarriage because I was sorting out my life and trying to keep it together for work and the deployment over here and dealing with him. Now I am over here in Iraq and he is going to send me that crap???? I know he must be hurting. Is this just another example of the numerous times he tried to hurt me? I wanted our baby so much, I wanted out marriage more, I wanted it all but it wasn't a good place for me to be because no one should be treated the way I was being treated. I just needed to vent and get this off my chest. I think it is odd that a very private guy put something so personal on the internet. I blocked his email from coming to my account any longer. I don't want another face shot out of the blue. I think it is pretty obvious that he is not stable. I guess my heart still hurts. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Aurora, CO
Posts: 68
First of all, I'm so sorry for the emotional roller-coaster you are on.
It sounds to be like he's playing a game with you, so you will be so distraught you'll go running back to him. Like HE has any right to take YOU back. He should be begging you. But that's all in the past. He's using one of the most difficult times in your life to play on your emotions. Games are common and easy to play by A's. Don't fall for it. You need to do what you are doing and stick with it. Move on with your life, and you will be better for it because you are doing it for YOU.
**HUGS**
It sounds to be like he's playing a game with you, so you will be so distraught you'll go running back to him. Like HE has any right to take YOU back. He should be begging you. But that's all in the past. He's using one of the most difficult times in your life to play on your emotions. Games are common and easy to play by A's. Don't fall for it. You need to do what you are doing and stick with it. Move on with your life, and you will be better for it because you are doing it for YOU.
**HUGS**
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
(((((NoChoice))))) 
First off Welcome back!
It sounds you know where you are at and where you want to be as far as the AH. This is a great thing. It does hurt as a lot of us have felt or are feeling the pain.
It appears though you have done the right thing for yourself and that is what is important! YOU! The pain eventually will stop.....grieve and allow yourself to feel the pain as you move on. Just do not forget you!
First off Welcome back!
It sounds you know where you are at and where you want to be as far as the AH. This is a great thing. It does hurt as a lot of us have felt or are feeling the pain.
It appears though you have done the right thing for yourself and that is what is important! YOU! The pain eventually will stop.....grieve and allow yourself to feel the pain as you move on. Just do not forget you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
His behavior is not supportive and it is peculiar. Becoming entagled in this strange mode of comunication seems creepy. I'm so sorry for your loss but I think you are doing the right thing, "return to sender". This is not the behavior of a mature clear thinking man.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
not the behavior of a mature clear thinking man
It's the behaviour, from my experience, of an addict who needs to turn all the attention back on himself.
Take good care of yourself, NoChoice....you're doing well! Enjoy your new bike!
ARL
It's the behaviour, from my experience, of an addict who needs to turn all the attention back on himself.
Take good care of yourself, NoChoice....you're doing well! Enjoy your new bike!
ARL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
(((((NoChoice)))) I too am feeling your pain. I have lost a child many years ago and I know that pain well. He is using the darkest moment in your life as a tool to get to you and you pulled the rug out from under him by not acknowleding his ploy....good job ace. I want to take this time also to Thank You for all that you and all of our young men and women are doing for us over there....you stay the course and come back in one piece okay hun? We are here for you whenever you are able to come online...Stay strong.
Janit
Janit
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I agree that he is doing what addicts do. I'm sorry for your pain and for how he trying to use your suffering to his advantage.
The good thing I see from your posts is that you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Your recovery is strong!
Thank you for your service and dedication to your country.
It's nice to hear from you again.
The good thing I see from your posts is that you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Your recovery is strong!
Thank you for your service and dedication to your country.
It's nice to hear from you again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
Oh how I love this site! You are all wonderful and thank you so very much for your responses. I do think it is amazing that he is doing the same thing he has done for so much of his drinking history and it is like I can't see what it. I have this image of him (and all active drunks) standing on a rotating platform going around and around pointing the finger at everyone in their life blaming, blaming, blaming everyone and never looking at themselves. Whatever....I am outta there. I don't need it. I just need meetings, recovery, good food, plenty of rest, love and bike rides.
I love being in the service. When I was home I was so grateful for the freedom we are protecting. We have it so good in the US (and Canada, UK etc...). I am eager to go home for good, when we are done here.
Thanks so much to all of you once again. I feel the LOVE man, and I needed that big time.
I love being in the service. When I was home I was so grateful for the freedom we are protecting. We have it so good in the US (and Canada, UK etc...). I am eager to go home for good, when we are done here.
Thanks so much to all of you once again. I feel the LOVE man, and I needed that big time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Thank you for your service and sacrifice. Please convey my thanks to all your comrades also.
As to your AH, yup sounds like a desperate attempt to manipulate you and get your attention. Sometime any attention is what they are after, even if its negative attention.
As to your AH, yup sounds like a desperate attempt to manipulate you and get your attention. Sometime any attention is what they are after, even if its negative attention.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Sometime any attention is what they are after, even if its negative attention.
XABF didn't do any attention seeking as staggeringly gruesome as that Internet video but the most recent email from him (read this time but not replied to) was him forwarding an article about why women cheat on their boyfriends. Now, apart from the fact that the article was about 20 somethings and I am weeeeeeeeeeell beyond that in years, it is obvious that he thinks my no contact silence is because I am cheating. Could also be projection on his part but whatever his thought processes they only result in non-attention from me or, if I did reply, angered defensiveness at his insinuations.
And the way he got me to answer him after my "I will not be contacting you anymore" message was to threaten me......more negative attention.
He really could get my attention IF he confirmed daily attendance at AA meetings and showed, through his actions, that he was working a programme. Then again, if he was seriously working a programme and heeding the wisdom of a sponsor, he probably wouldn't even contact me for some time. (This is all wishful thinking.)
ARL
XABF didn't do any attention seeking as staggeringly gruesome as that Internet video but the most recent email from him (read this time but not replied to) was him forwarding an article about why women cheat on their boyfriends. Now, apart from the fact that the article was about 20 somethings and I am weeeeeeeeeeell beyond that in years, it is obvious that he thinks my no contact silence is because I am cheating. Could also be projection on his part but whatever his thought processes they only result in non-attention from me or, if I did reply, angered defensiveness at his insinuations.
And the way he got me to answer him after my "I will not be contacting you anymore" message was to threaten me......more negative attention.
He really could get my attention IF he confirmed daily attendance at AA meetings and showed, through his actions, that he was working a programme. Then again, if he was seriously working a programme and heeding the wisdom of a sponsor, he probably wouldn't even contact me for some time. (This is all wishful thinking.)
ARL
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