new here and need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 2
new here and need advice
Hello Everyone,
I'm Liz. I have a brother who is an alcoholic and has been for the past 10 years or so. We have all thought that rock bottom had approached over and over. He's been in jail, he's been homeless and sleeping in a shed and he's lived at every one our houses. He has used and abused everyone is our family over and over and he has been in and out of the hosptal, and rehabs. He's lost his children, his home and his retirement.
2 weeks ago he left for a trip for a job. He's a traveling car salesman and was in IL for a car show. He started drinking again while on the trip and lost his job. He made $1300 that week so he just stayed there drinking in a hotel alone. When the money ran out he started calling my sister for money. She said no. My parents said he was not allowed to come home. He knows better not to call me for money. Someone helped him tho as he's on his way home to NY on a bus and I'm suppose to go pick him up and once again drive him to rehab. I'm afraid that this is just another attempt to get his foot in my door. Everytime he goes in to rehab, leaves after a week and swears he's better, starts working as a day laborer at the saw mill and usually starts drinking again within 2 weeks.
I'm not sure if by going to pick him up is just another attempt for a congratulatory parade that he's getting help only to be dissapointed again in 2 weeks. The rehab is a mile away. I say he should walk to the rehab, but my sister threw this guilt trip saying he hasn't eaten in 3 days, and has all this stuff to carry. She says she's too busy and has to go home and make dinner and all. BUt she's his main contact. I have not spoken to him. I also have a family, but I'm expected to drop everything to do this.
So is picking him up to take to rehab for the millionth time considered enabling? Deep down I feel that any kind of help is only going to result in him ending up on my door asking for more help in 2 weeks. He's lied and used rehab to trick everyone in my family before and then he laughs at us... yes literally. He specifically said that he drinks while going to outpatient anyway. That he drinks when noone thinks he is. He'll do anything just to get everyone off his back and to get us to help him. He hasn't had his own place to live in in over 5 years. Someone has always taken care of him.
Am I just being a mean sister? Or is picking him up and taken him to rehab this evening the right thing to do?
I'm Liz. I have a brother who is an alcoholic and has been for the past 10 years or so. We have all thought that rock bottom had approached over and over. He's been in jail, he's been homeless and sleeping in a shed and he's lived at every one our houses. He has used and abused everyone is our family over and over and he has been in and out of the hosptal, and rehabs. He's lost his children, his home and his retirement.
2 weeks ago he left for a trip for a job. He's a traveling car salesman and was in IL for a car show. He started drinking again while on the trip and lost his job. He made $1300 that week so he just stayed there drinking in a hotel alone. When the money ran out he started calling my sister for money. She said no. My parents said he was not allowed to come home. He knows better not to call me for money. Someone helped him tho as he's on his way home to NY on a bus and I'm suppose to go pick him up and once again drive him to rehab. I'm afraid that this is just another attempt to get his foot in my door. Everytime he goes in to rehab, leaves after a week and swears he's better, starts working as a day laborer at the saw mill and usually starts drinking again within 2 weeks.
I'm not sure if by going to pick him up is just another attempt for a congratulatory parade that he's getting help only to be dissapointed again in 2 weeks. The rehab is a mile away. I say he should walk to the rehab, but my sister threw this guilt trip saying he hasn't eaten in 3 days, and has all this stuff to carry. She says she's too busy and has to go home and make dinner and all. BUt she's his main contact. I have not spoken to him. I also have a family, but I'm expected to drop everything to do this.
So is picking him up to take to rehab for the millionth time considered enabling? Deep down I feel that any kind of help is only going to result in him ending up on my door asking for more help in 2 weeks. He's lied and used rehab to trick everyone in my family before and then he laughs at us... yes literally. He specifically said that he drinks while going to outpatient anyway. That he drinks when noone thinks he is. He'll do anything just to get everyone off his back and to get us to help him. He hasn't had his own place to live in in over 5 years. Someone has always taken care of him.
Am I just being a mean sister? Or is picking him up and taken him to rehab this evening the right thing to do?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I'm always amused when everyone else says they are "busy making dinner" yet try to guilt me into doing something.
If you don't want to do it, don't. If you want to do something, can you send a cab?
oops - welcome to SR!
If you don't want to do it, don't. If you want to do something, can you send a cab?
oops - welcome to SR!
Last edited by denny57; 09-06-2007 at 12:44 PM. Reason: welcome
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Auckland, new Zealand
Posts: 93
does he get any sort of after treatment? like therapy or AA? does he know any one else that is a recovery alcoholic? I met a man that sounds a bit like your brother once in detox. The nurses even told me that he never stays the whole 7 days. He uses it as a break, a place to stay, free meals etc. They were right, the day after he left he was outside the detox centre drunk and abusive ant trying to hitch a ride (falling over while trying too!). Im not too sure what to say here. Maybe give him a really hard word about how you are sick of his behaviour. But dont forget to tell him that you still love him and that you know he CAN change his life. Let him know that you will be supportive of him when he is clean and sober. But if he chooses to start drinking again that it will dissappoint you and you will have to let him get help without you.
Every alcoholic drinks for different reasons, but we all have the same baffling disease where the compulsion to drink can out weigh anything.
All I can say is pray as much as you can for your brother to 'see the light"
good luck and keep us posted!
Every alcoholic drinks for different reasons, but we all have the same baffling disease where the compulsion to drink can out weigh anything.
All I can say is pray as much as you can for your brother to 'see the light"
good luck and keep us posted!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
No...stick to your guns. If he wants to get to rehab, he will. You have all helped him many times before, to no avail. When his life gets unbearable, he will change...or he will die. The best thing you can do to help him choose life, is to do nothing.
Sleep easy....you have no guilt. Don't let him make you think otherwise.Now you let go and let God. Take care of yourself and your family.
Sleep easy....you have no guilt. Don't let him make you think otherwise.Now you let go and let God. Take care of yourself and your family.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Not knowing all the history...My own position with my addicted son and before w/ my step dad (who is sober partly bec I showed him compassion and led him to rehab when he was ready) I will always give a ride to rehab. In your case that is all it has to be. I would not refuse to take someone for cancer treatment and I think of addiction as a disease of the brain. If my qualifiers seek treatment I am there to cheer them on. this just might be your brother's time. If not, you only offered a ride and the possibility of recovery. Welcome here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Aurora, CO
Posts: 68
I'm new here too, and welcome!
It's very hard at first to finally see that there is no way you can really help an A. They have to want to want it. My DH says he doesn't wanna, doesn't hafta kind thing.
I hope things work out for you, and especially your brother!
It's very hard at first to finally see that there is no way you can really help an A. They have to want to want it. My DH says he doesn't wanna, doesn't hafta kind thing.
I hope things work out for you, and especially your brother!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 2
thanks everyone for the welcome..
yes, he's been to rehab and the hospital many many many times. Mostly for just a week if that. Once he went for 30 days but that was years ago. It's the same thing over and over. I think he uses it as a way to say.. "see I'm better, now let me live at your house."... only to laugh at us (yes, he laughs and mocks us) when we find bottles hidden everywhere.
i decided not to go get him. For my own sanity, and emotional well being, I just cannot help him. If this is the right time for him to get help, GREAT! I don't see this as him wanting help. The only reason he came back is because noone would send him money when he called begging for help. My parents told him he's not welcome home again. the man is 41 years old after all. I found out that his ex-boss bought him a bus ticket. I think if he really wanted help he would walk the mile to the rehab center from the bus station. It's not far.
HE has to do this 100% and stop being dependent on everyone else for his well being including for rides. Sounds harsh, but I will believe him when I see him get into inpatient rehab for at least 3 months, get a stable job, an apartment, and restart his life. It's just too painful to watch my brother like this. So I think the best thing is to distance myself.
Oh and when I called to tell him I wasn't going to pick him up, he was drunk. This was about an hour and half ago. So I don't buy the no money thing. He could call a cab. or take the city bus.
Thank you so much for letting me vent my frustrations and offering your advice. very much appareciated!!!
yes, he's been to rehab and the hospital many many many times. Mostly for just a week if that. Once he went for 30 days but that was years ago. It's the same thing over and over. I think he uses it as a way to say.. "see I'm better, now let me live at your house."... only to laugh at us (yes, he laughs and mocks us) when we find bottles hidden everywhere.
i decided not to go get him. For my own sanity, and emotional well being, I just cannot help him. If this is the right time for him to get help, GREAT! I don't see this as him wanting help. The only reason he came back is because noone would send him money when he called begging for help. My parents told him he's not welcome home again. the man is 41 years old after all. I found out that his ex-boss bought him a bus ticket. I think if he really wanted help he would walk the mile to the rehab center from the bus station. It's not far.
HE has to do this 100% and stop being dependent on everyone else for his well being including for rides. Sounds harsh, but I will believe him when I see him get into inpatient rehab for at least 3 months, get a stable job, an apartment, and restart his life. It's just too painful to watch my brother like this. So I think the best thing is to distance myself.
Oh and when I called to tell him I wasn't going to pick him up, he was drunk. This was about an hour and half ago. So I don't buy the no money thing. He could call a cab. or take the city bus.
Thank you so much for letting me vent my frustrations and offering your advice. very much appareciated!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
You made a good decision.....the only real choice. I hope your Brother decides to change his life and get well. Its so very hard to see someone you love destroy their life.
There is always hope and the power of prayers! Sleep well!
There is always hope and the power of prayers! Sleep well!
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
I know it is difficult. But I hope you can find peace with your decision. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and I would let my sister know that she can't "guilt" me into doing something I don't want to do.
Peace!
Peace!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Jewett, Texas
Posts: 4
do it himself
I'm new here too, and I've found out the hard way that anything you do for an alchoholic is normally a result of them manipulating you to get what they want. The normal things we do every day for those we love become ugly and twisted when we do them for the alchoholic.
Sorry, been a bad day.
Sorry, been a bad day.
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