CodeMaster

Long story short, it was on my heart to just at least offer her the stuff she still left at my place and I also wanted to offer stuff we shared like the TV and other things that she and I may have used a lot. I know I shouldnt contact her but I did so just to get this off my chest as I cant help but keep feeling like I should offer her her stuff since I am going to donate it all to Goodwill soon to get nicer replacements for the TV, dresser drawers, etc... Plus I figured she maybe in need of it more then me.

So we exchanged emails and all is fine, but I didnt ask how her sobriety was going after going expensive rehab for 3 months was going since she committed to sober recovery the last time we contacted which was a few years ago now.

She just told me she went to Burning man for 2 and a half weeks, and getting ready to start work this Friday.

She didnt say outright she drank or used drugs but just wondering, do you think anyone can go to Burning Man for two weeks sober? Think she is back under influence a lot again by any chance?

I was very suprised to hear about her going to burning man, but in anycase, I wish her well. I'll probably be seeing her sometime near future to prepare to have her stuff transferred. I dont want it anyways since it has too much memories of us. Not that I hate her, but I like a clean start, and hey, everydays a new start.



Loves always

FormerDoormat

What is Burning Man, Code? Perhaps you could have her things shipped to her instead of meeting her face to face since contacting her via phone/email or whatever means you used has caused you to start worrying about her again.

I find that it's best to avoid things that could cause me to slip and return to my previous unhealthy codependent behaviors. Just a thought.

CodeMaster

Burning Man is this event they hold in the desert once a year where people go and basically go crazy, a lot of drugs and sex usually. I never been myself, but a lot of people here have and its kinda famous round here...

Lady BlueMiles

My nephew goes at least once a year to a Burning man. I know it's party time for him when he goes.

best

I know it is hard to do at times but when we let the past take up space in our thoughts, we miss out on the blessings of today.
If she is using or not is her choice. I can't stop her and neither can you. Need leave her in God's hands. He is bigger and stronger then us both. He will do what is needed when she is ready.

In my opinion... deliver or donate the stuff as soon as possible so you don't keep using up thoughts on the past.

CodeMaster

I was thinking since we've been together for 3 years, thats a lot and a big part of my life right? So wouldnt it be good to stay friends? I figured thats probably the nicest and most civil thing to do, especially since we are not attacking each other anymore, its been a few years of no contact, I figure we can all just make peace and get along eh?

Do you think this is ok?

ICU

Good for who? ;-)

CBrown

OMG, this "Burning Man" sounds like the worst. I sure wouldn't bet the ranch that she didn't relapse. Why is it addics are so drawn to things that most of us would consider morally degenerate?

As for "just being friends" I guess there are some people who can be friends with their XA, but after ten years of telling myself that I could do just that, and getting sucked back in, I don't think it's possible. Before you know it, you'll be visiting, then staying overnight, then moving in, then .... and on goes the cycle. They suck you in with feeling sorry for them and use it like a tool.

Only you know how tough your resolve is, but resolve tends to dissolve in the face of reality.

cagefree

Well, since you ask...

I was with XABF for 3 years and have no desire to have his chaos in my life. I chose to distance myself from it and work on my codependency. Working well for me.

Maybe the distance is what is keeping the "attacking" at bay. It reminds me of an old friend of mine who decided that she didn't need to take her depression pills anymore cuz she felt fine now. She stopped taking the pills and - shocker - became depressed. If it aint broken...

So, you say it's been a couple years of no contact and you are wondering if she wants her stuff back? After I kicked XABF out of the house, we tried to be "friends". He went to AA, did 90 in 90 and got a counselor and sponsor...then 6 months later suddenly showed up at my house and told me he didn't want me in his life (even though he has tried to contact me a few times since). It took me 3 days and threatening with getting police involved before I had ALL my stuff I let him borrow, back in my posession.

I doubt she wants it if it's been years since you spoke. Have you thought about why you feel you really need to reconnect with her again?

I get the feeling that it has nothing to do with items she might want...but perhaps you are finally letting it all go by removing those items from your presence? I spent a weekend purging my house of his stuff - it left me emotionally drained, so I could understand the reservation of simply letting it go. It will feel great afterwards though. Sorry this is so tough.

CE Girl

I'm saying, for me, that's my good little "codie" self talking. I mean, EVERYONE'S gotta love me right?!?!?!?!?

What I recognize in your posts Codemaster is something VERY familiar to me. If I'm not careful, he can invade my head and have a whole SUITE rented without me hardly noticing.

For me, life without that has been a hell of a lot better.

Play the tape through. REMEMBER THE PAST.

Peace

CodeMaster

Sorry for some confusion, I already asked her if she wanted her stuff and she just recently replied yes and I'm sure she could use it more then I could anyways. Thats also when she told me she just got back from 2 and a half weeks in the desert for burning man. It suprised me, cause I thought her partying days were suppose to be over, I mean, I remember all the times when she was so arrogantly throwing it in my face how she was sober fro 3 months in rehab. I almost want to punch her in the face for all those times hahaa, but I have to have compassion, I'm not the one suffering with this in my genes. What harder enemy to fight then yourself.

Cagefree, yes, I've been thinking of why I wanted to let all the stuff go, I think a big part is its tainted with what I consider a dark past, sure when I'm living in my home I dont think about it, but sometimes flashbacks occur and I just dismiss it but I figure why deal with so many negative flashbacks, plus I'd like to get nicer stuff anyways. So I was about to give it all to goodwill but figured I'll see if she wants them first. If she does, she is free to pick it up and the rest I'll drop to goodwill.

Simple as that, I dont plan to make it a big deal, I have a big life to get back to, and I guess if we do become friends, it'd be very distant and limited anyways since I have a GF and I just cant imagine getting too close with ex again, it'd be way too strange, not to mention GF prob not going to be happy about that hahahaa

Life isnt too hard dealing with this in all honesty, I just wanted to ask for some guidance so I dont go too far the wrong way and stay in my healthy sane mindset I have now. :-)

Much loves

lovemypup

I was wondering about your girlfriend. I wondered what she must think of all this. I hope she knows what is going on and you are filling her in on your ex coming to get her things.
Leave the past behind and go forward with your future.

CodeMaster

hahaa, yeah my gf knows 100% of everything going on the moment it goes on.
on one hand, she naturally doesnt want me to have anything to do with any of ex gf casue it maybe a competitor to her LOL kind of thing, i mean, why open door to possible trouble but she knows im too in love with my gf for that to be a real concern.

on other hand, she sympathsizes and is supporting me for whatever i feel i need to do. shes been real nice about it all, tho she was one who voted to jsut rid of my ex's stuff to avoid reopening communication.

as one best friend of mine said to me, he thinks i just needed to get it off my chest that i didnt just toss her stuff without giving it back to her, since she probably needs it more then i do anyways. if she doesnt want it after i fully tried to offer it to her, thats cool. and if she does, thats great too, so long as i offered most sincerely and if it means we are light weight friendship going on, i can handle it

my gf --> :slap: <-- me

hopeintahoe

I have gone to Burning Man the last 2 years with my wife, we are both recovering AH and this event is what you make of it. There are theme camps there that do hold 12 step meetings for those of us in recovery. We always have a great time and do not drink or do drugs, so yes someone can go to Burning Man and stay sober. Jeff

CodeMaster

Interesting, thanks for sharing.