missed my meeting this week
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
missed my meeting this week
I didn’t go to my Monday night Alanon meeting this week. I guess I relapsed. Now I realize I really need to go! Tonight I’m starting to identify some of my codependency issues for the first time. I was having a hard time with that..
It was a long holiday weekend and I felt I needed some quality home time to do the things I never have time for. My house is a disaster most of the time. I start work early in the morning, stand on my feet all day, I’m allowed a half hour lunch and get home around 6:30 or 7:00. I’m usually too tired to do much and of course never know what to expect from AH. It isn’t easy to go to Alanon for being so tired and sometimes I don’t have a chance to eat anything until after the meetings over between getting out of work and time to come home, freshen up and get to the meeting.
The past week or so has been reasonably calm at my house for almost a week now. AH said he had to work Monday for a few hours but said he would be home and we would have a barbecue. We hung out at home, watched movies on Friday night and Saturday. I figured I deserved a holiday and it wouldn’t hurt to miss the meeting for some home time.
I spent most of the weekend cleaning, and planned Monday to be an official day off for me other than a few loads of wash. I cleaned the fridge, repotted plants, and washed the floors stuff that needed to get done for a long time now. I rarely get help with housework from AH anymore (he used to share the load) although when he’s sober he will cook and do some groceries.
Up to that point the weekend had gone well and I felt pretty good until AH came home. He did work but went straight to the bar before coming home. He was buzzed but not real drunk, just enough to be testy at first, that point where you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. He was in the mood to have discussions. I told him I didn’t think it was a good time for talking. He started talking anyways.
He is always upset about me not going to the bar with him. Makes it sound like I’m offending people not being there. He says everyone is always asking where you are and what am I supposed to say, you don’t like my friends, or we don’t have any friends or social life and blah blah blah. So I said tell them the truth, that I don’t want to spend my life drinking and hanging out in bars. I explained it was boring to me to hang out with him and a bunch of drinking guys and I can’t physically handle the lifestyle even if I wanted to. Drinking that much makes me physically ill and I find the environment unhealthy in strong doses. Then he made some pretty cruel comments. After being with him over 20+ years he said then maybe we should think about getting a divorce. He said, he would be a lot better off if he didn’t have to worry about coming home after having a few and feeling like he was a problem if it made me so d*** miserable. Then he said, you’re not the mother of my children and there is no reason I need to answer to you or anybody.
I quietly agreed that yes a divorce would be best and that he has the right to live how he chooses. Then he was silent. For the first time I felt any shreds of hope for the marriage vanish. I did feel pretty sad.
Tonight I came home from work and AH wasn’t home but the knot I usually get in my stomach feels much smaller and I only a cried a little instead of a lot. For the first time I'm letting go of the responsibility of this marriage being on my shoulders. I don’t want to fix it or try to control the outcome. He point blank told me what I am to him and chose divorcing me over his drinking and casual bar acquaintances. I’m ready to let the chips fall where they may. I pray HP hasn’t given up on me.
It was a long holiday weekend and I felt I needed some quality home time to do the things I never have time for. My house is a disaster most of the time. I start work early in the morning, stand on my feet all day, I’m allowed a half hour lunch and get home around 6:30 or 7:00. I’m usually too tired to do much and of course never know what to expect from AH. It isn’t easy to go to Alanon for being so tired and sometimes I don’t have a chance to eat anything until after the meetings over between getting out of work and time to come home, freshen up and get to the meeting.
The past week or so has been reasonably calm at my house for almost a week now. AH said he had to work Monday for a few hours but said he would be home and we would have a barbecue. We hung out at home, watched movies on Friday night and Saturday. I figured I deserved a holiday and it wouldn’t hurt to miss the meeting for some home time.
I spent most of the weekend cleaning, and planned Monday to be an official day off for me other than a few loads of wash. I cleaned the fridge, repotted plants, and washed the floors stuff that needed to get done for a long time now. I rarely get help with housework from AH anymore (he used to share the load) although when he’s sober he will cook and do some groceries.
Up to that point the weekend had gone well and I felt pretty good until AH came home. He did work but went straight to the bar before coming home. He was buzzed but not real drunk, just enough to be testy at first, that point where you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. He was in the mood to have discussions. I told him I didn’t think it was a good time for talking. He started talking anyways.
He is always upset about me not going to the bar with him. Makes it sound like I’m offending people not being there. He says everyone is always asking where you are and what am I supposed to say, you don’t like my friends, or we don’t have any friends or social life and blah blah blah. So I said tell them the truth, that I don’t want to spend my life drinking and hanging out in bars. I explained it was boring to me to hang out with him and a bunch of drinking guys and I can’t physically handle the lifestyle even if I wanted to. Drinking that much makes me physically ill and I find the environment unhealthy in strong doses. Then he made some pretty cruel comments. After being with him over 20+ years he said then maybe we should think about getting a divorce. He said, he would be a lot better off if he didn’t have to worry about coming home after having a few and feeling like he was a problem if it made me so d*** miserable. Then he said, you’re not the mother of my children and there is no reason I need to answer to you or anybody.
I quietly agreed that yes a divorce would be best and that he has the right to live how he chooses. Then he was silent. For the first time I felt any shreds of hope for the marriage vanish. I did feel pretty sad.
Tonight I came home from work and AH wasn’t home but the knot I usually get in my stomach feels much smaller and I only a cried a little instead of a lot. For the first time I'm letting go of the responsibility of this marriage being on my shoulders. I don’t want to fix it or try to control the outcome. He point blank told me what I am to him and chose divorcing me over his drinking and casual bar acquaintances. I’m ready to let the chips fall where they may. I pray HP hasn’t given up on me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
{hugs} First off, your HP has not given up on you!
Second, it sounds like you are reaching a point where you are going to make big changes. Do what feels right to you. Do not worry about your AH. He has and will make his own choices.
Second, it sounds like you are reaching a point where you are going to make big changes. Do what feels right to you. Do not worry about your AH. He has and will make his own choices.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Lady BlueMiles 
the knot I usually get in my stomach feels much smaller and I only a cried a little instead of a lot. For the first time I'm letting go of the responsibility of this marriage being on my shoulders. I don’t want to fix it or try to control the outcome. He point blank told me what I am to him and chose divorcing me over his drinking and casual bar acquaintances. I’m ready to let the chips fall where they may. I pray HP hasn’t given up on me.
((()))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
I appreciate you all so much. The nice thing about SR is you're all here 24/7. It's been a lifeline for me at this time. Thank you all.
There is a location/meeting on Friday evenings I think will work out for me. I have to make a change from Monday because of a work related class starting the 17th for 15weeks. But, I'll be able to make one more meeting.
I don't know how I survived before. Maybe it took me missing that meeting to grasp the realization I've found in the first three Steps.
There is a location/meeting on Friday evenings I think will work out for me. I have to make a change from Monday because of a work related class starting the 17th for 15weeks. But, I'll be able to make one more meeting.
I don't know how I survived before. Maybe it took me missing that meeting to grasp the realization I've found in the first three Steps.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by Lady BlueMiles
For the first time I'm letting go of the responsibility of this marriage being on my shoulders. I don’t want to fix it or try to control the outcome. I’m ready to let the chips fall where they may. I pray HP hasn’t given up on me.
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