What is this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
What is this?
Hi everyone. I know I haven't been active on the boards. I am trying to take care of myself. And been spending a lot of time away from the computer... more so in the area of consuming info about alcoholism (coz when I think about the disease. You are all still in my thoughts though... And I use the advice I have gotten from SR each and every day.
I am just struggling again with understanding something....
He called again out of the blue (today). Just another "check up" call. We chatted about general things....nothing to deep. we caught up on each others life. He said he wanted to make sure things were ok with me... because school(college) has started again and during the summer I was having feelings of droping out. so he was like "Just wanted to make sure u went, u have go to, stay in school!" I was like ya..ok. thanks.
During the conversation I told him a story about this guy I know..and he was like "oh is he ur boyfriend?" in a jokey tone of voice...
and also, when the conversation was ending he asked "So........are you in love?" kinda serious but he worded it jokingly..u know what I mean?
And then I asked him "So are u in love?" and hes like (in a serious tone of voice) "I told you, this stuff(him quiting alcohol) is not a joke." Hmmmm.... ?
By the way, he ended the conversation first AGAIN. I wanted to end the conversation... but it didnt happen.
I am just wondering. What is all this????? his calling and stuff...like hes checking in.
I mean I dont mind being friendly with him, u know, its better to be frendly than a bitch. but still... what is all this "checking in" does he think somewhere along the line we will get back? He never speaks about getting back, ever. or even meeting up. he just called to ... see how I am doing... How do I take this. I dont know if I should look at it like
A. Hes just being his friendly, caring, genuine self.
B. Keeping me "around", so he can feel at ease.
Do I contunue to be friendly with him... or is it one of those things where its like "Do what you think is right"
like...and i feel like this is just DANGLING OVER My head... and it is keeping me in one place. like i cannot move on. Ya I still love him. We didnt end on bad terms or anything. So being friendly sounds like the right thing to do. i want to move on though......... but I want to be his friend.. maybe being his friend and accepting his calls..is doing more damage than good....?
Is there something obvious here in his calls, that I am not understanding? .....
I am just struggling again with understanding something....
He called again out of the blue (today). Just another "check up" call. We chatted about general things....nothing to deep. we caught up on each others life. He said he wanted to make sure things were ok with me... because school(college) has started again and during the summer I was having feelings of droping out. so he was like "Just wanted to make sure u went, u have go to, stay in school!" I was like ya..ok. thanks.
During the conversation I told him a story about this guy I know..and he was like "oh is he ur boyfriend?" in a jokey tone of voice...
and also, when the conversation was ending he asked "So........are you in love?" kinda serious but he worded it jokingly..u know what I mean?
And then I asked him "So are u in love?" and hes like (in a serious tone of voice) "I told you, this stuff(him quiting alcohol) is not a joke." Hmmmm.... ?
By the way, he ended the conversation first AGAIN. I wanted to end the conversation... but it didnt happen.
I am just wondering. What is all this????? his calling and stuff...like hes checking in.
I mean I dont mind being friendly with him, u know, its better to be frendly than a bitch. but still... what is all this "checking in" does he think somewhere along the line we will get back? He never speaks about getting back, ever. or even meeting up. he just called to ... see how I am doing... How do I take this. I dont know if I should look at it like
A. Hes just being his friendly, caring, genuine self.
B. Keeping me "around", so he can feel at ease.
Do I contunue to be friendly with him... or is it one of those things where its like "Do what you think is right"
like...and i feel like this is just DANGLING OVER My head... and it is keeping me in one place. like i cannot move on. Ya I still love him. We didnt end on bad terms or anything. So being friendly sounds like the right thing to do. i want to move on though......... but I want to be his friend.. maybe being his friend and accepting his calls..is doing more damage than good....?
Is there something obvious here in his calls, that I am not understanding? .....
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Maybe it means,,,NOTHING.
Not everything means something and you can not read something into everything.
You said you were taking care of yourself.
How is Alanon working for you?
Not everything means something and you can not read something into everything.
You said you were taking care of yourself.
How is Alanon working for you?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
My calls were checking up calls. My questions were checking up questions.
Phew...ok I still have a chance.
Without knowing him, all I could say is he is acting normal for a alcoholic in recovery.
Your choices.... Do what ever you want and need do for you. If his calls bother you, let him know and set a boundary. His recovery is his. Your friendship is your's to give to who ever you want or hold back from who ever you want.
Phew...ok I still have a chance.
Without knowing him, all I could say is he is acting normal for a alcoholic in recovery.
Your choices.... Do what ever you want and need do for you. If his calls bother you, let him know and set a boundary. His recovery is his. Your friendship is your's to give to who ever you want or hold back from who ever you want.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi! Nice to see you again!
Of course, I can't know what he's thinking/doing but I'd say you answered your own question at the end.....keeping you hooked in just enough to keep you stringing along in case the need arises someday. Just my guess;may not be or he may not even be aware that he's doing it. Just seems the way an A operates.
Of course, I can't know what he's thinking/doing but I'd say you answered your own question at the end.....keeping you hooked in just enough to keep you stringing along in case the need arises someday. Just my guess;may not be or he may not even be aware that he's doing it. Just seems the way an A operates.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
keeping you hooked in just enough to keep you stringing along in case the need arises someday. Just my guess;may not be or he may not even be aware that he's doing it. Just seems the way an A operates.
That's what I was going to say! And I am aware that the co-dep in me can do this too so.......NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. I am getting really good at sending XABF's phone calls to voice mail....and email to Delete.
Good to see you again, Pineapple!
ARL
That's what I was going to say! And I am aware that the co-dep in me can do this too so.......NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. I am getting really good at sending XABF's phone calls to voice mail....and email to Delete.
Good to see you again, Pineapple!
ARL
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hi Pineapple, I don't mean to highjack your thread, but I swear I was just going to ask about this very thing. It's so weird!
I knew it, Best!
So by answering the calls is that telling them, "Of course, you have a chance."
Are we just as much to blame in this game?!
Originally Posted by best 
My calls were checking up calls. My questions were checking up questions.
Phew...ok I still have a chance.
Phew...ok I still have a chance.
So by answering the calls is that telling them, "Of course, you have a chance."
Are we just as much to blame in this game?!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
yep, i agree it's checking in on you and making sure you're still waiting in the wings for him. my ex did the same thing. random calls, that i thought went well, that i would blow way out of proportion like you are now. i thought it meant we would be friends... sure, i could be friendly and civil, but i would absolutely never get past US. i would always think we were getting back together... otherwise, why would they keep calling?! in the back of my mind, it was exactly what i was hoping for.
him asking you about having a boyfriend or being in love seems like he's making sure you're still pining after him and he's seeing how much he can manipulate you into telling him you're single, or you don't care as much about this guy as you cared about him.
basically keeping you on the back burner, in case this whole recovery thing doesn't work out, or in case he can't find someone else to put up with his crap.
i wouldn't answer the phone. it doesn't get anywhere, it really doesn't. these random phone calls will make you feel like you're still friends... until you call him and he no longer calls you back. or he goes weeks without contacting you, and you're wondering why... you thought you could be civil and friendly. totally didn't work for me.
him asking you about having a boyfriend or being in love seems like he's making sure you're still pining after him and he's seeing how much he can manipulate you into telling him you're single, or you don't care as much about this guy as you cared about him.
basically keeping you on the back burner, in case this whole recovery thing doesn't work out, or in case he can't find someone else to put up with his crap.
i wouldn't answer the phone. it doesn't get anywhere, it really doesn't. these random phone calls will make you feel like you're still friends... until you call him and he no longer calls you back. or he goes weeks without contacting you, and you're wondering why... you thought you could be civil and friendly. totally didn't work for me.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by InThisForMe
him asking you about having a boyfriend or being in love seems like he's making sure you're still pining after him and ...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by best
and when my wife answered with what was in her heart when I asked...OUCH!
I think i may be getting checked on by one of XABF's guy friends. when i have communicated with him and his gf, it's been to plan a movie or bike ride -- things happening in the future.
Now a couple weeks went by and i get email asking what i've been doing, where i've been. then a voicemail "making sure i am ok".
??????
caretaker alert! i like socializing but being asked if i am "ok" by a casual acquaintance is creepy.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Are we just as much to blame in this game?!
No matter how much you tell yourself you are maintaining contact for whatever your personal reason (mine was to knock it into his head what he DID to me!!) it is still an EXCUSE to keep the madness in your life, in hopes that it won't be madness anymore.
For me, I was a yo, yo. Would unravel the teether all the way out, only to be sprung back in the MINUTE I spoke to him again.
Ummmmmmmm,,correct me if I'm wrong,,but THAT is not moving forward,,,,he,he,he
As far as [b] What is this?[/quote]. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure this out. 5 weeks, no contact and the big dope comes to my office last thursday, creates a scene and gets his drunk ass arrested again. 5th DUI. Oh,,on top of it all, assaults one of the security guards!! So, this isn't always about US being to blame either. I have done NOTHING to "lead him on". I mean NO CONTACT. Yet he feels the need in his alcohol induced state to continue to try and inject himself into my life. Why? Because by virtue of hte fact that I even TRY to figure out the insane, he still has space in my head.
I finally have gotten the most impotant part of my alanon program,,its about ME,,not HIM!!!
I'll leave you with a favorite saying of mine,,
"The only way to HAVE a friend, is to BE one"
Peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
Thanks everyone... for welcoming me back...
I dont understand this... ?
I wish i can just brush this off Mr. C.... I am really trying hard. But I cant help but pick at this... I am so BOTHERED. And the fact that I am so bothered is actually what is making me upset. Whatever, its over, but why is this **** lingering over my head. rattling my brain....
How long did it take you to stop taking his calls? Why cant he jsut move on like HE WANTED?!?!?!?! HE LET ME GO TO WORK ON HIM SELF... WHY IS HE CALLING ME. god man. why did I even have to meet him?
It does sound like hes just trying to play it safe. Selfish. I am sure hes not trying to hurt me. But he is trying to make himself feel good. He EVEN asked me "Did I ruin your summer?!?!"
What the heck. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya I can be civil and friendly over the phone.. but look at me after, GOD.
My best friend said "if he wants to be friends. this isnt a friendship. Friends dont just talk on the phone." Because it seems like thats all he wants... a conversation whenever he wants...
InThisForMe: what u said sounds pretty accurate. gosh.
How do I knock this all outta my brain.
Originally Posted by best
My calls were checking up calls. My questions were checking up questions.
Phew...ok I still have a chance.
Phew...ok I still have a chance.
Originally Posted by Mr. Christian
Maybe it means,,,NOTHING.
Not everything means something and you can not read something into everything.
Not everything means something and you can not read something into everything.
Originally Posted by InThisForMe
yep, i agree it's checking in on you and making sure you're still waiting in the wings for him. my ex did the same thing. random calls, that i thought went well, that i would blow way out of proportion like you are now. i thought it meant we would be friends... sure, i could be friendly and civil, but i would absolutely never get past US. i would always think we were getting back together... otherwise, why would they keep calling?! in the back of my mind, it was exactly what i was hoping for.
him asking you about having a boyfriend or being in love seems like he's making sure you're still pining after him and he's seeing how much he can manipulate you into telling him you're single, or you don't care as much about this guy as you cared about him.
basically keeping you on the back burner, in case this whole recovery thing doesn't work out, or in case he can't find someone else to put up with his crap.
i wouldn't answer the phone. it doesn't get anywhere, it really doesn't. these random phone calls will make you feel like you're still friends... until you call him and he no longer calls you back. or he goes weeks without contacting you, and you're wondering why... you thought you could be civil and friendly. totally didn't work for me.
him asking you about having a boyfriend or being in love seems like he's making sure you're still pining after him and he's seeing how much he can manipulate you into telling him you're single, or you don't care as much about this guy as you cared about him.
basically keeping you on the back burner, in case this whole recovery thing doesn't work out, or in case he can't find someone else to put up with his crap.
i wouldn't answer the phone. it doesn't get anywhere, it really doesn't. these random phone calls will make you feel like you're still friends... until you call him and he no longer calls you back. or he goes weeks without contacting you, and you're wondering why... you thought you could be civil and friendly. totally didn't work for me.
It does sound like hes just trying to play it safe. Selfish. I am sure hes not trying to hurt me. But he is trying to make himself feel good. He EVEN asked me "Did I ruin your summer?!?!"
What the heck. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya I can be civil and friendly over the phone.. but look at me after, GOD.
My best friend said "if he wants to be friends. this isnt a friendship. Friends dont just talk on the phone." Because it seems like thats all he wants... a conversation whenever he wants...
InThisForMe: what u said sounds pretty accurate. gosh.
How do I knock this all outta my brain.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by pineapple2007
I wish i can just brush this off Mr. C.... I am really trying hard. But I cant help but pick at this...
"I can't help . . . ." I can help myself do anything I set my mind to. In my opinion if I say that to myself it is no different than an alcoholic saying I can't help but drink.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
And can u believe this....
Yesterday my EX-EX called.
My EX-RABF (the one I speak about) CALLEd
And a stalker I got rid of TEXT MESSAGED ME.
All on the same day..............
I don't understand who is pulling the strings.. but I know someone/something IS.
Yesterday my EX-EX called.
My EX-RABF (the one I speak about) CALLEd
And a stalker I got rid of TEXT MESSAGED ME.
All on the same day..............
I don't understand who is pulling the strings.. but I know someone/something IS.
Unconditional love
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Mi
Posts: 84
Put up your boundaries and Stick to them. If you have kids then only talk about them. Do not let him invade your space by talking about a boyfriend. None of his business. Your giving him way to much control.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
We don't have kids.
We don't even have the same friends anymore.
Don't you think I am so angry at myself for taking as many calls as I have already?!?!! I feel like I KEEP giving him control. And now it is the day after I took ANOTHER call from him....I can just picture him in my head happy or CONTENT or AT EASE because he has me where he wants me or the upper hand, or that i will still take his calls..... I am so angry at myself.
I KEEP DOING THIS.
We don't even have the same friends anymore.
Don't you think I am so angry at myself for taking as many calls as I have already?!?!! I feel like I KEEP giving him control. And now it is the day after I took ANOTHER call from him....I can just picture him in my head happy or CONTENT or AT EASE because he has me where he wants me or the upper hand, or that i will still take his calls..... I am so angry at myself.
I KEEP DOING THIS.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I think you need to figure out why you continue to feel the need to be friendly with him. What is the root of that behavior? When you figure that out, it'll be easier to figure out how to change your behavior.
If you find it difficult to ignore a ringing phone, turn the ringer off so you won't hear it. Learn to break the automatic response that seems to tell you that a ringing phone must be answered. It doesn't.
If you find it difficult to ignore a ringing phone, turn the ringer off so you won't hear it. Learn to break the automatic response that seems to tell you that a ringing phone must be answered. It doesn't.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by pineapple2007
How do I knock this all outta my brain.
it's taken me about 8 full months of this drama to get where i am right now... and now, we occassionally do talk on the phone, but i don't blow it out of proportion in my head like i used to. we were best friends and we still care so much about each other, so it's hard to just let that go. but i had to for quite a while to get where we are now. i wouldn't say we're currently "friends," but i'm now at the point where the phone calls don't effect me as much as they used to. i needed lots of time and space for that to happen, though.
(((hugs))) to you because i know it's hard.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by pineapple2007
... I feel like I KEEP giving him control. ....I can just picture him in my head ....
I don't know how this "addiction to the addict" works for you. I can only tell you how it works for me and see if any of this fits.
When I get sucked into that "yo-yo" mode that ICU described (love that ICU, can I steal your line?
) I am _not_ giving the addict control. I am giving control to _me_. I know that if I answer the phone, the addict will call me again. And again. It is _me_ that is getting a charge out of putting the addict on the yo-yo string. It makes me feel justified, superior and smug to know that I am still in her mind, that I have made such an impact in her life that she keeps calling me.Sure, my ex-wife is sick with her addiction to pills. But I have my own sickness. I'm addicted to the "charge" I get from my own "addiction to the addict".
What helped me is the 12 steps of al-anon. Regular meets, a good sponsor, a fearless and thorough inventory. All the usual stuff that all us alanoids do. When I quit answering the calls, the calls quit coming. Imagine that.
Mike
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