queenteree

I posted about this in another thread, but I'm reposting it here cause I really would love your responses. I'm truly thinking of buying an old victorian and about 5 acres and opening a rehab for spouses/parents of A's. It would be run very similar to rehabs for A's. It would be a nice setting, meals included that would be cooked for us, and staffed with counselors. It would be a place where we could just concentrate on our recovery. I'm sure many of you wish you could just get away from it all, just leave and you know it's not possible and even if it is possible, it's only on a vacation and when you come back it is worse than ever and you come back to the same stuff. I would have to research it a little further, but 1) it would give me a goal in mind in order to make it thru the next month or so with my AH being drunk and 2) I really feel this may be God's plan for me, last night I kept saying "God, why am I going thru this???? Please, I need to know and I need to now NOW!!!" and today this idea came to me. As for insurance companies paying for it, my AH's residential rehab did not accept insurance, it costs $4500 for 3 weeks and they had a waiting list. It just seems like most people are all for paying what has to be paid in order get our A's sober, but shouldn't we pay for our recovery as well. Don't we deserve that? Our recovery is supposed to be about taking care of ourselves, doing for ourselves. Sometimes a 2 hour meeting a few times a week, a few telephone calls and a 1 hour therapist session is just not enough. Our rehab would have daily group therapy sessions, individual sessions and an AlAlnon meeting each night. It would give us a good foundation. And then maybe, after you leave rehab, it is requested that you attend AlAnon or CoDa meetings (I wonder if 90 in 90 is good???). Like I said, we are as sick, if not sicker and much more stressed than they are. Should I post this on another thread and see what others say? You know sometimes the best ideas come under times of deep stress. Please let me know your thoughts.

Astro

Yes, you all deserve it;-)

How about treating yourself to a few weeks on a tropical island with that $4500?

queenteree

Because a tropical island would not give us the help we need in our recovery. We wouldn't learn tools to deal, we wouldn't get a good mindset, all we would get is a break. But it is true, if a vacation at a tropical island is for you, I'd say go for it.

parentrecovers

can i bring my husband? we'd like to share a room..

Astro

I take my recovery with me everywhere, Terri. A backpack full of recovery books, the spiritual tools I need to live life on life's terms, trust and faith in a higher power, and the support of meetings all over the world.

But I understand what you mean. I think your idea is wonderful!

queenteree

Astro, I really liked your answer about the tropical island. That is what some people, I am sure, would prefer to do. I would love to do that too, but right now I am in desparate need of help for ME. I personally can take time off from work right now, and I truly need to get away, but my place of choice would be a rehab where I could work on me, get help for me, be with others like me and get my head clear so I can make clear decisioins about the direction my life needs to go in. Can't do that at home dealing with an A night after night. But there are no places out there. I went to an AlAnon meeting last night, I felt good, but then to come home to him being drunk again, it just gets to me night after night. To me, it would be good to work on me without getting interrupted by his drunken tirades night after night.
Parentrecovers - sure you could bring your husband - everyone could benefit from recovery.

Rella927

Queen-

Why not consider some type of a retreat-There are a variety of retreat or seminar topics is almost endless. They have Personal growth programs include such topics as dealing with loss, gender issues, retreats for those with addictions, seminars focused on ecology, peace and justice issues, aging, single parenting, personality types, coping with stress.

Something like this for example:

http://www.eomega.org/

Click around...they even have a personal growth retreat in the winter in St.Thomas! (Like Astro was saying but it is also a retreat of personal growth too)

QueenTree

Rella927

Queen also check this out....

http://www.eomega.org/omega/travel/d...listWorkshops/

respektingme

Deep stress deserves a deep muscle massage. Throw in daily pedis and I'm all over that.

denny57

I like the idea. Problem is, when addicts go into rehab they are giving up their addiction. Unless one is able and willing to give up the addict, then eventually they have to return to the same problem. I often comment AH tried everything to allow him to continue to drink; I finally realized I was trying to do everything to stay in the relationship. Something had to give.

(((QT)))

queenteree

Denny, you do have a point. But with this rehab, the person will gain the strength and courage to do all that, by getting away for a few weeks from the person, get the counseling they need, tools they need to stay away from this person while working on themselves. It's a rough road for all of us, whether we stay or we go, they are still able, at times, to push our buttons, and the decision to leave is so hard. Many stay (I learned that in AlAnon). So if many stay, this will help them better deal with the situation they chose to stay in. It would give them a foundation to work off of. Like I said, I could get time off from work right now, I have some money to go away right now, but I don't want to go anywhere. Just sit by myself and think, think, think. I would go crazy. I need direction. I wish I had a place to go to to work on me with others like me. Can I really be the only one who feels this way?

denny57

You're right, QT. I guess I'm thinking of everyone who is dealing with outrageous behavior on the part of the alcoholic - lying, cheating, etc. The people I know who have stayed in the relationship tend to be those whose spouses "only drink." I like your idea -- it's like a 90 in 90, only 24/7.

ARealLady

Queen...your idea is a very good one. I think you are talking about "respite" care, a place where the non-A in a relationship gets a break from the day-in day-out situation of living with an A. I don't go to Alanon but I gather that Alanon does provide the non-A with the tools and techniques for personal recovery via a 12-step programme. And....most importantly....Alanon is FREE for the asking.

Many non-As who are involved in marriages or committed relationships with As, don't have the money for the type of therapeutic retreat you are describing. They will pay up the rehab fees for the A because they still consider it an investment in the relationship and one more "treatment" towards a "cure". But look at all the posts in here from non-A partners who worry themselves sick each month trying to pay the basic household bills and expenses. I guess that any money the non-A might be able to stash away would be a fund for his/her future if he/she decides that the relationship has to be dissolved.

I need direction.

Write down a list of achievable and practical goals for you and maybe you can see a way to realizing that rehab for "recovering" non-As. You have a vision and that's already a starting point!

ARL

queenteree

Denny - are there people out there who's A's "only drink"? Seriously, or were you being sarcastic (and it's truly funny if you were). We all know lying, blaming, everything that goes with most A's personalities, so I do find it hard to believe that certain people "only drink".

ARL - While it is true that many will pay the rehab fees for the A, there are some out there, such as myself, that while I don't have alot of money, I could get the money to pay for treatment for myself, because I need it. And while medical insurance will pay for alcohol and drug abuse treatment, they will not pay for co-dependant treatment. We need to find a way to make it possible to have our treatment covered. My plan has some glitches, and thank you all for pointing them (and probably even more) out, and that is what is helping me so much. I truly feel I need to do something for US (families and friends of A's), we need to be recognized as needing help. If and when I ever get this perfected, you are all welcome to my open house weekend (for free!) and you have that in writing (LOL). Please keep your opinions and suggestions coming. Thanks.

QU31

I have often thought about how there needs to be rehab for us! Interesting point, Denny, but sometimes I think if we stay with out As we are more like people with eating disorders....while alcholics/addicts have to totally obstain to recover, people with eating disorders still have to eat food to stay alive, so they have to learn to have it in their lives in a healthy way. Of course, we all know, that for us, that's much easier said than done, esp. if the A is still drinking...

I often watch the show "Intervention" and I am always surprised to see how often the family members seem sicker than the addict...so yes, I think we need treatment too!

So, QT, I might have an idea for you. The Betty Ford center has a 5 day, all day treatment program for families of alcoholics/addicts. The cost is $700. True, it's only 5 days, but then you could spend the weekend in a four-star hotel in beautiful Palm Springs, get several spa treatments, get some new outfits, and I'm sure it would all cost less than $4500. What do you think?

queenteree

QU31 - Thank you so much, really. I'm going to go on that website now and get the number!!!! I need to go away from this whole mess and drama anyway, so I will see what they have available for me. And since Betty Ford Clinic has one, the one I'm going to do could be less expensive (since it will only be in a victorian house on 5 acres). Then it is possible for my plan to work???? Oh, I just went on the website - I am calling from my cell on the way home. Anyway though, the rehab/retreat I'm planning on doing will include room and meals and be kind of casual.

denny57

No, I wasn't kidding QT. Yes, I know alcoholics who "only drink." By that I mean the other abuses I experienced and read about here often do not exist - lying, cheating, verbal and/or physical abuse. I don't mean to imply the relationship doesn't suffer, because how can it be healthy if one person is often checking out? But for the friends I have who stay that seems to be the case. My mother's best friend has been married to an alcoholic for 55 years. I call him uncle and he is a marvelous man. His wife has sacrificed to stay in the marriage - he rarely accompanies her to parties, etc. because he gets drunk and that bothers her, but she made the decision to stay for her own reasons (children, societal).

I do think there is a tendency to think all alcoholics behave abusively. It has been my experience they do not. I do think we read a lot here about abusers who drink.

Barbara52

It sounds like a lovely idea. I'm sure many would love a place like you describe.

Some practical questions/issues: check on licesning requirements in your area, zoning requirements, tax implications, staffing. Insurance companies will pay for treatment of co-dependent folks if the care giver is licensed and codes the diagnosis properly (so often finding the right code is the answer to getting insurance companies to pay for mental health treatment).

Rella927

I think I maybe confused on this one? (Possibly I read it wrong?)

I believe this to be true too Denny-and I do however believe that everyone has a different experience with alcoholics and what we read here can create some peoples mind set to think that all who drink are abusers.

I know that in my experience I was both physically and emotionally abused by an A. I do believe that most alcoholics are abusers in some sort of way. Just my opinion....

Just as I also believe that co-dependents are abusive in some ways too until we start to all help ourselves.

Barbara52

I don't view my AH as abusive really. He used me (as in has been out of work for 2 years, was happy to have me work, pay all expenses and sit on his behind all the time) but hasn't been abusive. I experienced little of the anger and blame for his drinking that so many describe in here. When drunk, AH was usually quiet until he passed out or morose and feeling sorry for himself. But he never got mean or verbally abusive and never even close to physically abusive. He would get angry at his daughters and yell at them (one of the many reasons they have little to do with him) but would stop when I called him on his behavior, taking on the martyred look. When I brought up his drinking, he usually just ignored me or walked away.