drinking in presence of recovering A
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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drinking in presence of recovering A
I'm quickly learning that every day there's something new to think about!
Here's the latest -- When my ABF went into rehab in June, I made the decision I would no longer drink in his presence. I wanted to respect his decision and be a support person for him versus a temptation. I've never been much of a drinker anyway, so it was no big sacrafice.
Since he stopped drinking, we've gone out to dinner many times, but I now order something non-alcoholic. This weekend, however, he actually got mad at me. He said that just because he gave up alcohol doesn't mean that I should. That, in fact, he feels like an a_s when I don't order something. It makes him feel disrespected vs. respected. He made me promise to have a drink whenever I wanted to. Then he promptly ordered me a glass of wine. I could barely sip it.
So what's the deal? Should partners not drink in the presence of their recovering loved one? Or, is not drinking being a codie?
Here's the latest -- When my ABF went into rehab in June, I made the decision I would no longer drink in his presence. I wanted to respect his decision and be a support person for him versus a temptation. I've never been much of a drinker anyway, so it was no big sacrafice.
Since he stopped drinking, we've gone out to dinner many times, but I now order something non-alcoholic. This weekend, however, he actually got mad at me. He said that just because he gave up alcohol doesn't mean that I should. That, in fact, he feels like an a_s when I don't order something. It makes him feel disrespected vs. respected. He made me promise to have a drink whenever I wanted to. Then he promptly ordered me a glass of wine. I could barely sip it.
So what's the deal? Should partners not drink in the presence of their recovering loved one? Or, is not drinking being a codie?
On a tear
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Funny... there is a thread in the alcoholism forum on just this very subject.
My opinion is that it is a matter of being polite. If you don't NEED to drink, then why "rub it in his face", as it were. Just as if someone quits smoking, it is polite to not smoke around them (as Carol so nicely put in that other thread).
Perhaps his "anger" is a resentment that just came out all twisted? That you can 'choose' to not drink... while he cannot? You might see if he is willing to have a dialogue with you about this. Resentments only hurt the ones holding them.
((hugs))
My opinion is that it is a matter of being polite. If you don't NEED to drink, then why "rub it in his face", as it were. Just as if someone quits smoking, it is polite to not smoke around them (as Carol so nicely put in that other thread).
Perhaps his "anger" is a resentment that just came out all twisted? That you can 'choose' to not drink... while he cannot? You might see if he is willing to have a dialogue with you about this. Resentments only hurt the ones holding them.
((hugs))
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Join Date: May 2007
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For me, its MY decision not theirs,,,,
I was just thinking the other day, hwo nice it is to not sit at the bar every time we go out. Of course, I'm not with my XA anymore,,,lol. But I am currently seeing a RA with 23 years of sobriety. He often tells me its ok to have a glass of wine. The reason I don't has nothing to do with his recovery, but more with mine. When I was with my XA, I drank WITH him. As I began to see his illness, I realized, if not careful, I could go down with the ship,,,he,he,he. I found myelf drinking more often and consuming more. I was never a "big drinker" either and this was "new" to me.
bottom line, I did not want to become one of his "drinking buddies". today, I am much happier making the decision for ME. If I ever make the decision to have a glass of wine, it will be for ME. I am not in control of anothers sobriety.
Peace
I was just thinking the other day, hwo nice it is to not sit at the bar every time we go out. Of course, I'm not with my XA anymore,,,lol. But I am currently seeing a RA with 23 years of sobriety. He often tells me its ok to have a glass of wine. The reason I don't has nothing to do with his recovery, but more with mine. When I was with my XA, I drank WITH him. As I began to see his illness, I realized, if not careful, I could go down with the ship,,,he,he,he. I found myelf drinking more often and consuming more. I was never a "big drinker" either and this was "new" to me.
bottom line, I did not want to become one of his "drinking buddies". today, I am much happier making the decision for ME. If I ever make the decision to have a glass of wine, it will be for ME. I am not in control of anothers sobriety.
Peace
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I'd be more worried about the fact he insisted you drink when you didn't want to. Same as if he ordered you a sweet dessert if he was a diabetic and couldn't have that, either. It's a control issue.
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This will be unpopular and it is a very strong conviction of mine. I think drinking alcohol in the presence of a loved one who is trying to quit, unforgiveable. I feel it relinquishes someone pof ever having a right to complain if that person drinks again.
I think it makes a person look insensative and ignorant. I say this because I know a man who was near death from alcohol and quit. His cocaine snorting / drunk of a wife didn't skip a beat and continually placed hin in drinking environments, he eventually caved in and the last time I saw this tenured school teacher, he was crawling on the ground, drunk beyond defining, toward this car. He fell face down in the mud while his wife laughed at him. I could have belted her. I was livid as she explained it was HIS problem! I thought NO, you are his problem! I remember how digusted I was with her. I don't drink, I don't need a drink, I don't want a drink. It shouldn't even be an issue for someone who doesn't need a drink.
I think it makes a person look insensative and ignorant. I say this because I know a man who was near death from alcohol and quit. His cocaine snorting / drunk of a wife didn't skip a beat and continually placed hin in drinking environments, he eventually caved in and the last time I saw this tenured school teacher, he was crawling on the ground, drunk beyond defining, toward this car. He fell face down in the mud while his wife laughed at him. I could have belted her. I was livid as she explained it was HIS problem! I thought NO, you are his problem! I remember how digusted I was with her. I don't drink, I don't need a drink, I don't want a drink. It shouldn't even be an issue for someone who doesn't need a drink.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
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I want to first say that I commend you for doing what you did! 
I would have done the same thing!
Mallow raised a very good point-and as I was reading down the thread before I got to Mallows reply-it raised my eyebrows of two situations-(Sorry this is going to be a bit long)
One with me and my XABF he too did the same thing with me while out to eat one night (when we were still together) and I’m not much of a drinker at all! It was which I truly believe as Denny stated a control thing-
My brother is a recovering A-and it saddened me although he made his choices but, when my brother was bleeding from his liver and decided to finally grasp onto his sobriety this time, my family prayed that his wife would see that she too had a problem with alcohol but she chose not to. She continued to have her sister over and party in the house while my brother was going to meetings everyday and working on living! They ended up in divorce and of course my brother relapsed- I’m proud to say that he is doing well today and is almost 9 months clean! His X wife however is living with another alcoholic and continues to make bad choices in her life which is exactly what they are HER CHOICES!
I myself would not drink in front of someone that I loved or cared for if they working on changing their lives for the better. However, if I wanted a glass of wine I would go that extra mile to avoid having it in front of the person that is making the right choices in their life to make it better for themselves; it is just something that I would want out of respect if the role was reversed! It is hard enough that they are taking that profound step to get clean and sober. If I love them why not help in a way that I know will not be interfering in their personal growth but rather cheering them on in a silly sort of way.
Keep your chin up and do what you feel is right for YOU!
I would have done the same thing!Mallow raised a very good point-and as I was reading down the thread before I got to Mallows reply-it raised my eyebrows of two situations-(Sorry this is going to be a bit long)
One with me and my XABF he too did the same thing with me while out to eat one night (when we were still together) and I’m not much of a drinker at all! It was which I truly believe as Denny stated a control thing-
My brother is a recovering A-and it saddened me although he made his choices but, when my brother was bleeding from his liver and decided to finally grasp onto his sobriety this time, my family prayed that his wife would see that she too had a problem with alcohol but she chose not to. She continued to have her sister over and party in the house while my brother was going to meetings everyday and working on living! They ended up in divorce and of course my brother relapsed- I’m proud to say that he is doing well today and is almost 9 months clean! His X wife however is living with another alcoholic and continues to make bad choices in her life which is exactly what they are HER CHOICES!
I myself would not drink in front of someone that I loved or cared for if they working on changing their lives for the better. However, if I wanted a glass of wine I would go that extra mile to avoid having it in front of the person that is making the right choices in their life to make it better for themselves; it is just something that I would want out of respect if the role was reversed! It is hard enough that they are taking that profound step to get clean and sober. If I love them why not help in a way that I know will not be interfering in their personal growth but rather cheering them on in a silly sort of way.
Keep your chin up and do what you feel is right for YOU!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
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He wants you to drink because each time you don't have a drink it reminds him that he is an alcoholic and can't drink. Crazy as that seems it's a denial thing. He doesn't want to be reminded of being alcoholic! My AW has the same problem. There's a fine line between anonymity and denial. It's okay for an A to be anonymous about their disease and treatment and another to be anonymous because they can pretend they are not. My AW would always say "I'll just have a water" when she was offered a drink because the message wasn't that she didn't drink but that she didn't want one at that time. She never got comfortable with telling people she didn't drink because once you do that people would be able to say "I thought you weren't drinking".
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I used to drink and I quit. I had a very hard tome being in a drinking environment as people can be idiots. I would very graciously decline anyone who tried to buy me drinks. If they pushed, I would tell them I quit drinking actually. If they pushed beyond that, and they did, I would be firm.
I'm not sure if people measure themselves against nondrinkers, or they feel judged or what. I just don't want to drink. I've heard it all. "Just have one quick one", "One won't hurt", I don't want any and I don't care if everyone else is drinking or if they drink or not. I've had people just buy the drink and set it in front of me. I thank them and dump it in a plant or bring it along to the ladies room and dump it out. Sometimes that's just easier. Alcoholics don't understand having a good time or being able to relax without a drink and I don't feel like long winded debates about it when and if I'm out in a bar.
I've been a bartender and a cocktail waitress, I've been a drinker, I know that my personal best interests have nothing to do with the bar business. I also know that when I'm over in ICU having my liver biopsied, none of them will be there holding my hand. Alcohol is recognized and metabolized by the human body a a poison.
The other thing I tire of very quickly is that whole conversation about "my right to a social drink". With rights come responsibilities and when your life is linked to an alcoholics, we can say, "I didn't cause it, I can't cure", it but...... I must measure my contribution to it and the person I face in the mirror at the end of the day.
I'm not sure if people measure themselves against nondrinkers, or they feel judged or what. I just don't want to drink. I've heard it all. "Just have one quick one", "One won't hurt", I don't want any and I don't care if everyone else is drinking or if they drink or not. I've had people just buy the drink and set it in front of me. I thank them and dump it in a plant or bring it along to the ladies room and dump it out. Sometimes that's just easier. Alcoholics don't understand having a good time or being able to relax without a drink and I don't feel like long winded debates about it when and if I'm out in a bar.
I've been a bartender and a cocktail waitress, I've been a drinker, I know that my personal best interests have nothing to do with the bar business. I also know that when I'm over in ICU having my liver biopsied, none of them will be there holding my hand. Alcohol is recognized and metabolized by the human body a a poison.
The other thing I tire of very quickly is that whole conversation about "my right to a social drink". With rights come responsibilities and when your life is linked to an alcoholics, we can say, "I didn't cause it, I can't cure", it but...... I must measure my contribution to it and the person I face in the mirror at the end of the day.
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I never was nor will ever be a cocaine snorting / drunk of a wife and I wouldn't take kindly to someone telling me I was lacking in character because I choose to have a drink. I would be willing to bet I have had a drink in front of plenty of recovering alcoholics and never knew it.
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As a recovering alcoholic as well as the father of an alcoholic who is 7 years sober himself, I believe that the decision that others make regarding imbibing around us, is theirs to make.
My sobriety is dependant on me, my level of commitment to that sobriety and the degree to which I use the tools available to me IE. AA and adherence to help from my own concept of a higher power.
I always appreciate that when someone chooses to ask if their drinking will bother me that they are considerate people and I am lucky to have them as friends, associates, or even family, but in my case and my son's, the decision to drink is ours on a daily basis. If having people drinking around me poses a problem for me then I need to make the decision to remove myself from particular situation.
Sobriety for me is constituted of my taking responsibility for my actions, not the actions of others. In a strange way, and this was mentioned earlier in this thread, I would almost feel "controlling" in a defacto sense if others who care to drink are inhibited from doing so by my presence. I am the one with the issue with alcohol, not them. I got sober to "live in the world" and for me at any rate that means living around folks who drink as well as those that don't.
Having said all that it is really an individual situation and is a function of the person, their length of sobriety, as well as the commitment that the alcoholic has to staying sober.
"Live and let live." sometimes we forget that it is more than a bumper sticker in AA.
Just my opinion.
Jon
My sobriety is dependant on me, my level of commitment to that sobriety and the degree to which I use the tools available to me IE. AA and adherence to help from my own concept of a higher power.
I always appreciate that when someone chooses to ask if their drinking will bother me that they are considerate people and I am lucky to have them as friends, associates, or even family, but in my case and my son's, the decision to drink is ours on a daily basis. If having people drinking around me poses a problem for me then I need to make the decision to remove myself from particular situation.
Sobriety for me is constituted of my taking responsibility for my actions, not the actions of others. In a strange way, and this was mentioned earlier in this thread, I would almost feel "controlling" in a defacto sense if others who care to drink are inhibited from doing so by my presence. I am the one with the issue with alcohol, not them. I got sober to "live in the world" and for me at any rate that means living around folks who drink as well as those that don't.
Having said all that it is really an individual situation and is a function of the person, their length of sobriety, as well as the commitment that the alcoholic has to staying sober.
"Live and let live." sometimes we forget that it is more than a bumper sticker in AA.
Just my opinion.
Jon
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Originally Posted by Jfanagle 
As a recovering alcoholic as well as the father of an alcoholic who is 7 years sober himself, I believe that the decision that others make regarding imbibing around us, is theirs to make.
My sobriety is dependant on me, my level of commitment to that sobriety and the degree to which I use the tools available to me IE. AA and adherence to help from my own concept of a higher power.
My sobriety is dependant on me, my level of commitment to that sobriety and the degree to which I use the tools available to me IE. AA and adherence to help from my own concept of a higher power.
My GF is a normal drinker. We go out for sushi, she orders a sake bomber, sometimes she drinks wine with a meal or she'll bring a bottle over for herself. She's 100% respectful, doesn't leave anything in the house, and she also respects my two "BIG RULES": Brush your teeth and no intimacy if you've had too much (Which are pretty stupid rules for me to make considering how many times I broke them in previous relationships). Last week she went out for dinner with me and a group of fellow AA'ers, I smiled big when she ordered a soda, let's just say I was touched that she was so considerate towards all of us. It's her decision whether to drink or not, and honestly there are times when my reaction to it isn't exactly appropriate, I tend to make snide remarks sometimes.
I really appreciate the thoughts everyone's had, but one of my AA mentors reminds me of a few simple facts when I'm questioning what the rest of the world does. The idea in recovery, for me at least, is to live a somewhat normal life along with the rest of society. So just because I can't drink safely and responsibly doesn't mean that I should expect everyone else to conform to my way of living. I need to grow up and be a big boy in spite of the triggers and cravings. I can whine about it being unfair, or I can remember the life I came from and the gift of sobriety I have now.
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Originally Posted by Jfanagle
As a recovering alcoholic as well as the father of an alcoholic who is 7 years sober himself, I believe that the decision that others make regarding imbibing around us, is theirs to make.
My sobriety is dependant on me, my level of commitment to that sobriety and the degree to which I use the tools available to me IE. AA and adherence to help from my own concept of a higher power.
"Live and let live." sometimes we forget that it is more than a bumper sticker in AA.
Just my opinion.
Jon
My sobriety is dependant on me, my level of commitment to that sobriety and the degree to which I use the tools available to me IE. AA and adherence to help from my own concept of a higher power.
"Live and let live." sometimes we forget that it is more than a bumper sticker in AA.
Just my opinion.
Jon
Thanks for this Jon!
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I understand this and because I am a nondrinker, I feel the need to explain it or justify it. I just don't drink and I don't care if others do. It seems that all I have to say is that I don't drink and it comes off like some kind of judgement or accusation. I never called anyone else here a cocaine snorter or any other name.
I qualifed my statement by prefacing it saying I knew that not everyone would agree. I don't drink and I don't think it's supportive to drink in front of someone trying to quit. I have more than one friend, more than one opportunity to have a drink if I want one.
If I am trying to lose weight, I wouldn't appreciate my husband bringing home a dozen jelly donuts just because it isn't a problem for him. If you want to drink alcohol, drink alcohol. I am not ignornant as not to understand that each person derternines the success of their own recovery. I also understand that at the end of the day, I will have been suportive or not. I hate to pray for my alcoholic with a beer in my hand. That's just me. Not everyone is at the same realization or point of recovery.
I qualifed my statement by prefacing it saying I knew that not everyone would agree. I don't drink and I don't think it's supportive to drink in front of someone trying to quit. I have more than one friend, more than one opportunity to have a drink if I want one.
If I am trying to lose weight, I wouldn't appreciate my husband bringing home a dozen jelly donuts just because it isn't a problem for him. If you want to drink alcohol, drink alcohol. I am not ignornant as not to understand that each person derternines the success of their own recovery. I also understand that at the end of the day, I will have been suportive or not. I hate to pray for my alcoholic with a beer in my hand. That's just me. Not everyone is at the same realization or point of recovery.
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I think it’s a matter of choice.
If you go out or are with a group of friend you can not expect the whole group or every one in your presence not to drink.
I have a good friend with a 6 year chip who does go out and does not expect me or any one else not to drink.
Again it’s all choice.
If you go out or are with a group of friend you can not expect the whole group or every one in your presence not to drink.
I have a good friend with a 6 year chip who does go out and does not expect me or any one else not to drink.
Again it’s all choice.
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It seems the more I post, the more frustrated and sad I become. All of the answers to my question are blatantly what I needed to hear. Thank you all!
I've realized that as great the intentions of my ABF in stopping drinking are, he's in denial. While he has been "sober" since June, his only recovery program is drinking O'Douls. No meetings, no sponsor, no therapist, no changing of his lifestyle.
Case in point. Yesterday we had lunch at a local pub. He wanted to sit at the bar to eat. The bartender knew us there and brought us two drinks without asking. Mine was my usual diet coke; she brought my ABF a draft Bud. He pushed it away and said, no I'm drinking O'Douls. She said, "Really?!" She got him his bottle of O'Douls and began to pour the draft beer away. He turned to me and said, "I would have drank that. It's only one beer."
I said nothing and showed no reaction whatsoever (really hard to do, BTW; what I really wanted to say was "what the F___K!!!) I've realized that the time bomb is ticking and it's just a matter of weeks/days/hours before he lapses or relapses. He may want to do the right thing, but he's not fully committed. If he were, there would be some kind of recovery program that he's working....the O'Douls Program isn't going to cut it. (I read the thread on another forum for As on this very subject.)
I'm scared and very very sad. I know that I need to let whatever's going to happen happen. But I also know what my boundaries are. He drinks, I leave. There's no wiggle room. I am focusing on me and what I want. I have no control over what he thinks, does or drinks. What I want is the incredible man that I love when he's not drinking. What he is is an alcoholic without a compass -- just his trusty O'Douls.
Thanks again for the replies. You've helped me tremendously!!!
I've realized that as great the intentions of my ABF in stopping drinking are, he's in denial. While he has been "sober" since June, his only recovery program is drinking O'Douls. No meetings, no sponsor, no therapist, no changing of his lifestyle.
Case in point. Yesterday we had lunch at a local pub. He wanted to sit at the bar to eat. The bartender knew us there and brought us two drinks without asking. Mine was my usual diet coke; she brought my ABF a draft Bud. He pushed it away and said, no I'm drinking O'Douls. She said, "Really?!" She got him his bottle of O'Douls and began to pour the draft beer away. He turned to me and said, "I would have drank that. It's only one beer."
I said nothing and showed no reaction whatsoever (really hard to do, BTW; what I really wanted to say was "what the F___K!!!) I've realized that the time bomb is ticking and it's just a matter of weeks/days/hours before he lapses or relapses. He may want to do the right thing, but he's not fully committed. If he were, there would be some kind of recovery program that he's working....the O'Douls Program isn't going to cut it. (I read the thread on another forum for As on this very subject.)
I'm scared and very very sad. I know that I need to let whatever's going to happen happen. But I also know what my boundaries are. He drinks, I leave. There's no wiggle room. I am focusing on me and what I want. I have no control over what he thinks, does or drinks. What I want is the incredible man that I love when he's not drinking. What he is is an alcoholic without a compass -- just his trusty O'Douls.
Thanks again for the replies. You've helped me tremendously!!!
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Originally Posted by hope-faith
"I would have drank that. It's only one beer."
I've realized that the time bomb is ticking and it's just a matter of weeks/days/hours before he lapses or relapses.
I've realized that the time bomb is ticking and it's just a matter of weeks/days/hours before he lapses or relapses.
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