sarah417

My husband's father has been an alcoholic, and drug abuser for the last 15 years. After three failed rehab stints, and has openly admitted he has absolutely no desire to change. He was emotionally and physically abusive, which ultimately lead to a divorce 5 months ago.
The divorce started off civil, but has turned into a nasty battle.

My father-in-law (FIL) has been making our lives miserable lately! He is drinking more than ever, and has been to counseling, who put him on anti-depressants. But this combination of alcohol, drugs, and prescriptions has made him crazy! He calls drunk at all hours of the night, sobbing, begging my husband to give him money, (he makes 2x our combined income!) or for him to visit. He has been threatening suicide if left alone. He constantly guilt trips my husband
We don't know what to do, or what to say. We have been doing "tough love" lately, and stopped answering many of his phone calls, but he just calls and leaves more messages. (sometimes up to 15 a day!) What can we do? I don't know what is best for him.

My husband has a very stressful job, and we are dealing with fertility issues, so our plates are full. My husband and I agree that we need to focus attention on us and our marriage. (for those who don't know, dealing w/ infertility is incredibly emotionally draining) I feel that sometimes I am just hanging on by a thread myself, and I need my husband for emotional support. To make matters worse, FIL has told my husband he should divorce me, "being useless... not even a real woman..." etc. So it is nearly impossible for me to have any sympathy for this man.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

kj0975

I dont have a FIL like that but I do have a cousin in law like that. Infact as I type this he is on his 4th call to my cell phone. I quit answering the calls and he is NOT to have our home phone number. I once made the mistake when he was sick to call me if he needed anything. Well that turned into driving him out smokes and booze and whatever else he needed. He took advantage of my kindness. I'm sure he will keep calling and each time the message gets nastier and nastier but I choose not to deal with him. Then tomorrow I will get the call saying hes sorry and he loves us and blah blah blah. We just had to do total avoidance and after awhile he will start calling someone else. Its so hard to deal with watching someone kill themselves and have to listen to the drunk rambling and the verbally abusing crap that they spew. All I have to say is try to distance yourself and after a certain time turn off your ringer and deal with when he is less drunk say in the morning time. I have let my cousin know over and over its unacceptable to keep calling me over and over. He gets the hint for a bit but after awhile the calls come in. I wish I had good advice but the tough love and not feeding into the drama does help some.

Barbara52

If you seriously do not want the phone calls, put a block on your FIL's phone number. You do not have to accept being treated poorly by him. But its up to you and your husband to draw the lines and to stick to them. Its not easy to do but it can be done.

You have my prayers concerning your fertility issues. That must be very difficult to deal with and you certainly don't need more problems that are not your own.

I also suggest AlAnon for you and your husband.

DII

You and your husband have to be on the same page with this one or you two will be having problems. My advice is not tough love but detachment. As long as you answer his calls or get his messages he is manipulating you. I know it's tough but I learned that no can guilt us if we haven't done anything wrong. We all feel that guilt as a knot in our stomach but unless you've wronged your FIL you have nothing to be guilty about....only he does. It's a classic scenario.....the A is guilty but he/she makes his loved ones feel guilty to make themselves feel better. Sounds like your FIL has not "hit bottom" yet.......don't get to your bottom before he reaches his. have you tried Alanon or a counselor for BOTH your you and your husband?

Good luck and hang tough!

Wascally Wabbit

All those ugly things FIL said about you are the alcohol talking. Don't listen to one little word of it.
Here's something that helped me with my xa when he was acting crazy.
I would picture myself standing outside of a mental institution. When I look up, I can see him standing in the window of a second floor room. The windows have bars in it and he is holding on to those bars, screaming all kinds of ugly things at me.

Sorta takes away the importance of what they say.

You are absolutely right about focusing on your own marriage.
Refuse all phone calls from him, and expect each time you do, his anger to increase. But, so what? He's only hurting himself. You wouldn't let your husband abuse you, why let anyone at all?
Continuing to "talk" to him will result in stress you don't need.
He won't change, and don't expect him to, until he reaches his very bottom and realizes he wants to change.
It's like a little kid who can't have his way. He pitches a fit and rants and screams, but eventually when he realizes mom and dad aren't going to fall for it, he stops the bad behavior. At least around you because he knows he can't get away with it with you. How the child acts around others, who allow such behavior is different! They allow it.
Take care of yourself. You do have a lot on your plate.

Barbara52

That is priceless! Thanks.

Mr. Christian

Yeah, sounds like you need to cut this guy off.
It's your husband's place to do so.

Spiritual Seeker

Here is my opinion since you asked for it:
I would tell the FIL not to call again until he is ready to go in to treatment. if he keeps pestering you, get a restraining order (RO). I helped my mom get my step-dad out of her house with a temp. RO and then took her to court to get a 3 yr. restraing order on him, all done without an atty. He had become to verbally abusive and crazy due to escalating alcoholism.
Once he lost it all and all contact, he actually sobered up and has been that way 11 mos. You and your hubby have to agree that contact with him at this point is toxic