queenteree

Well, it happened and it took me by real surprise. After 3 months of him being sober and the most loving, kind, wonderful husband in the world, who I was falling in love with all over again, he drank! We were away for a very long weekend at our place upstate, taking long walks, sitting by the fire, etc. Beautiful time. I was sitting there thinking, now this is how I expected my life to be and thanked God that it was turning out all good. Well, Saturday we go to Walmart and he buys, against my wishes, a 12 pack of O'Douls. He cracked one open in the car and drank it. I told him that while I leave his recovery to him, from what I've learned is non-alcoholic beer is for NON-ALCOHOLICS. Then the can said 0.5% alcohol by volume. He said it would take 20 beers to equal one real beer. I butted out. Anyway, he had like 4 of them, and it could kind of see an attitude change (no, it wasn't in my head). He was getting angy over things that he would not get angry about sober. Fast forward to Sunday. We get invited to a party, where plenty of people would be drinking. AH wanted us to go, I told him I didn't feel like it, but he insisted, so we went (I know, I know, he was itching to drink). I told him that if at anytime he felt uncomfortable, to let me know and we would leave. Now when AH is sober (and mind you, he was at one time for over 14 years), if we go to social functions where there's a bunch of drunks, AH always leaves after like 2 hours. This time, everyone was drinking, and AH gave me a few beers while he drank his O'Douls (yeah, right). Anyway, he kept going out of my sight, and he was acting like he was drinking. We also stayed at that party till 2 a.m., which is not like either of us. I know his plan was that if I had a few beers, I couldn't tell if he was drunk. Then when we left the party, he wanted to go to the store and get me more beer, to which I told him I didn't want anymore. Anyway, he passed out on the couch, I got p*ssed and we were arguing all night, to the point that he would threaten that he was leaving me there, he'd leave, be gone an hour, come back, this went on for over 2 1/2 hours. Finally, he left FOR REAL!!! And he left me stranded upstate. He came back last night, drunk as a skunk to get me (3 hours away from our house), I inisted on driving home, and he did let me. Today he was all apologetic this morning, saying this would never happen again. My gut tells me he's going to be drunk again tonight. Says of course, it's my fault, I accused him of drinking so he did (quack, quack, quack). I said he called me a **** and I retailiated with I was going to go screw this guy (that he's jealous of) that is our neighbor at our place upstate, but did I???? And when I told him he wasted all that money on rehab, he said my Macy's bill made him drink - what about all that money I spent in Macy's (a bill which I pay out of my own spend money!!!). I don't like who I was Sunday night and last night and I really think when it comes down to it that I want a "normal, healthy relationship" instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. And if you decide to stay with an A, that's how your life will always be. I kinda lost sight of that cause when he stopped the 1st time many years ago, he never relapsed for over 14 years. Thanks for listening to the vent, and any and all comments are welcome and appreciated. Thanks all of you.
Terri

parentrecovers

relapse stinks..

denny57

(((terri)))

CE Girl

First of all (((((((Terri)))))))

I know the "twisting" that's occuring in your gut this morning,,

My XA, never got sober for more than 3 weeks at a time when we were together, so I can't IMAGINE how it is, when you've SEEN it for 14 years?!?!?!?

But I have done the codie/alkie dance many times. The thing that got to me was how I would "replay" the event over and over in my mind. How I wished I said this, or wished I said that, never realizing it was an argument I wasn't gonna WIN!!!!

Of course its not your fault,,

Maybe back to "basics" hey?

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it

The shmuck left you there huh? Seems like your H is doing his recovery a tad "differently" than the last time?

Are you?

Peace

lilac

(((hugs to you))).

Detach, detach............you didn't cause it, can't control it, you know that...

Astro

A sobering reminder of why I need daily AA meetings. (((Terri)))

respektingme

My AH relapsed Friday too. He had *******39 WHOLE DAYS!!***********

Said it was because he had started to focus on his resentments towards me not wanting to be around his mom that weekend. Let's see, his alcoholic self whined to his children and mother for years about me, and then he gets upset enough to relapse when I don't want to hang out with my own lynch mob.

Always got excuses don't they? Always, always, always.

We have separate finances. I told him we just spent $3k on his rehab, and he can't maintain more than 39 days? He said it was HIS money to spend. Whatever, more excuses.

This weekend was very stressful for me, but all he can think about is how stressful it was for HIM. Banking he'll be drunk this week also. He can leave this time. I'm not packing up the kids again.

I hate this, and more and more I'm starting to see what you are seeing. That this may never work. It's sad.

Rella927

(((Terri))) so sorry to hear this hon!

It is so tuff to go through-and as Astro stated about a reminder of needing AA meetings....it is a reminder of us needing to continue with our Al-Anon meetings!

queenteree

(((respektingme))) So sorry you are going thru this too. It is sad, cause when I think how I was all set to leave him, then rehab, promising me the world (which I honestly think he meant at the time) and how he knows he can NEVER pick up a drink again, etc. I visited him up at rehab every weekend (roughly 4 hours each way in one day) to show support, maintained the household and then yes, did have my wonderful husband back for a big 90 days. I'm not cut out for this the rest of my life. At least your AH will leave, mine will just stay, get drunk, sleep upstairs (I know I'm going to get arguments over that boundary since it has been 90 days), create havoc, tell me to sell the house, etc. on a daily basis. He will NEVER leave, so I guess I must. Now I have to start all over again, planning and finding a place (I had all that worked out, lost my chance on some things already). I'm just so mad at myself right now for believing him and in him. What a fool I was. That's what is so sad.

CBrown

Oh queenteree and respektingme ... I am so sorry!!!! Please don't beat yourselves up. You didn't do this, the As did! Hugs and prayers for both of you!!!

harleygirl92156

Why do we do these things??? We get so upset when they blame us for their drinking, but why wouldn't they???? WE HAVE PAINTED A HUGE TARGET ON OUR CHEST FOR THEM TO THROW THEIR EXCUSES AND BLAME AT.

I have not experienced relapse (by the grace of God) my day could be today though. I have been in Al anon nearly three years, gone through aftercare and have learned a few things.

One, don't hate the alcoholic, hate the disease.

Two, don't make yourself a target.

Three, don't argue with a drunk person....EVER......it is a pointless waste of breath.

Four, if they relapse, don't give them a reason to use you as a scape goat. If you get mad and yell and cry and raise hell with them, it allows them to turn all the focus off them and on you. HARD as it may be, if my husband relapsed, he would deal with it alone. I would not do ANY of the things I did before, no looking for him, no walking the floor, no yelling, crying screaming. I would bite my tongue, be pleasant and act like nothing happened. That keeps the focus on him and he has to deal with his actions. If I do not make myself a target (as I have in the past, believe me) then he has no one to blame or focus on but himself.

Five, if I don't attend meetings on a weekly basis, I relapse also.

MsPINKAcres

((queenteree))

hate you are going thru this difficult time - it is difficult to have been with them when they were actively working a program of recovery and then to watch them go back out.

but when they relapse - we don't have to relapse with them.

When they start justifying their actions, blaming their behaviors on me and playing the victim - I just simply repeat in my head "just because he says it doesn't make it true"

I know my garden of self is clean of the weeds of self-pity, revenge, resentment and hate - their relapse is NOT about me.

Keep taking good care of you - YOU deserve it.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

CE Girl

Ohhhhhh,,,man,,did this one stike a cord Queenie,,,

I just wanted to SPIT every time he sucked me back in,,and yes, the trouble with it all was getting our "wonderful, loving" men back. I had to GRIEVE all over again.

You know, my husband "died" once thank the spirits,,

My XA was like a cat, NINE lives

Whats up with that?!?!?!? What about them makes us BELIEVE they may do it this time?

You know what it is/was for me? The SUCCESSES!!!!

Yup, the ones on SR, or the stories in alanon, hell, my own sponsor who has a husband getting ready to celebrate his 23 years in the "program". Seeing recovery was possible made me BELEIVE my XA could do it too. And each time I was horribly disapointed when he failed. Then I'd get angry at me, for thinking he was more of a man than he was. After all, how could I "fall" for someone so weak?!?!?! What an ego huh?!?!?

Uhhh,ohhhh,,notice I just typed IN THE PROGRAM?!?!?!?

Truth be known, I can now SEE the difference. Hard to explain, there's a "glow" a certain "look" to those who are committed to their spiritual, emotional, intellectual, CORE recovery. They are committed and make THEMSELVES the priority. WOW, what a concept huh? Being selfish in a way thats GIVING?!?! I never saw that in my XA. I finally had to face the reality that he was not READY. And no matter how many "chances" I gave him, the BIG DOPE has to get that "glow" before I could EVER beleive he will get sober again.

The rest of the decision was easy. Following through, not such a walk in the park.

But I'm doing it, "one day at a time" and have found, its the only option possible. I had to set my boundary Queenie, and follow through. But not until after I ACCEPTED it wasn't going to change.

what are you going to do now?

Peace

queenteree

I'm going to have to make plans to leave. I can't and won't do this anymore. See the thing is, he was the same old wonderful great sober husband I had many years ago, and he had that "glow". He was very into recovery, or at least so I thought. But I said all along while he was in rehab that I've been down this road before, he was sober for 14 years then relapsed for 4 years (and a very rough 3 years out of the 4) and now sober 3 months and already a relapse. I had hope because he did do it for over 14 years without a relapse. Can't do it anymore. I am 46 years old, the trust is really gone now. I am going to go to an Alanon meeting tonite, but one isn't enough. I gotta try and find a nice home group. I'm just really dreading going home, the whole control factor (him controlling me) all over again - if he asks me to just forget about it, etc., and I don't, it becomes "my fault". I'm tired of this, I'm tired of broken promises, I'm tired of alcoholics and addictions.

ARealLady

if he asks me to just forget about it, etc., and I don't, it becomes "my fault"

((((((queen))))))))) We all know we can't just forget....that elephant is always hanging out in the corner of the room and taking up way too much space. The best part is that you know it isn't your fault.

ARL

denny57

I went to as many meetings as I could. Some I never went back to, but for about 2-3 months I just hit them all. I believe today it was a huge factor in my recovery.

Good luck, queen, I am so very sad you are going through this.

respektingme

queenteree, I know how you feel. I had a pretty crappy weekend. AH is stressed because one of his daughters announced that she can't stand me. Big surprise. He realizes that we've never been alone, that there can't be a reason except that she's listened to his mother talk about me. So, why am I nervous about him coming home any minute? Because somehow this is going to be my fault. He'll probably claim to have spent most of the day on the phone trying to iron out his kid's problems, and somehow blame me for this mess. Oh, and he'll probably hit the bottle. He'll use this event as an excuse to drink.

I think I'll use his drink as an excuse to give him a boot out the front door. I'm tired of it too. Hugs to you! This sucks!

WantsOut

hey QT- My exAH was similar to yours with the relapses - oh how he broke my heart. Five months and then a relapse while on our family "dream" vacation. Four months then a drunken call from the hotel while he was on a business trip. The promises were genuine, as were the good intentions. The spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak.

Even after I kicked him out he didn't stop though he wanted to come home very badly.

Here we are, a lot of drama behind us, a lot of water under the bridge, and his regrets are many. Mine are few. I did my best and finally I got out. I feel good now.

Mr. Christian

So many excuses so much time wasted….

duet_4-8

My ex would never leave either. I had to force him out legally because I just was not about to uproot my kids over his choices. I have the house, but I also have the mortgage...starting all over is not the end of the world. For me, it was the beginning. At 50 years old.

You are not a fool. You are a woman who wanted to believe in the man she married. Big difference. It is not your fault that this happened.

I know that feeling of being so angry at myself and feeling like a fool. Use it to propel you toward the life you want.

Maybe he will go with you eventually, maybe he won't. But at least you will have some peace and be out of the chaos.

Be kind to yourself!