I've made my decision but my heart weighs heavy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Apex, NC
Posts: 13
I've made my decision but my heart weighs heavy
Hi y'all,
I have been lurking for a week or so but haven't told my story. It's similar I know to others but telling it helps me find my resolve.
AH and I married 13 years ago in March. We moved to a house in the country 6 months later. The first few years were tolerable to pretty darn good. AH stayed at work so much that I had rare moments with him and when i did, I didn't mind the drinking. During our 6th year we discussed children. I said I was afraid that I would turn into my mother. He answer with what else do we have to do with out lives? We’re too old to do anything else. He went on a 3-month bender. It was the first I had seen. I went to see a counselor and after bursting into tears when I sat down he told me that it wasn’t my problem. That he has to determine his own fate. It was an epiphany. I started staying away from home. As soon as I came in he would be yelling at me and asking why wasn’t I home? I answered if he was nice to me maybe I’d stick around. Time passed and we started getting along better.
I started wanting a child. For many selfish reasons I felt that a child would do me good. And AH was happy again and I was enjoying his company. I brought it up and he promised me that he’d work so I could be a stay-at-home-mom. That he’d stop smoking (both), and drinking. The conception was quick and the pregnancy went well. I stopped smoking and changed my diet for the better. I scrimped and saved and stockpiled goods and money. OUr dauther, M, was born on April 29, 2004. The last day I worked was April 27th. I was an SAHM. AH had a job that paid well for this area. And we were almost living within our means. We were shy of a few thousand over a course of a year. I picked up small side jobs to help bridge that difference.
Three months after her birth, AH quits his job to become a sole proprietor of a Snap-On trial franchise. I begged him not to. That he just needed to ask for a raise. Or I could get a job for spending cash. We hit rock bottom in 8 months. All of our savings was gone including our retirement fund. And credit cards started calling for payments. During this period I started taking Effexor, an SSRI.
AH got out of the trial franchise and surrendered all the commodities that he had from the business. It took him 3 months to find a job. He was drinking a lot and was obstinate that he wasn’t going to work in weather, nor dust, nor clean rooms, or whatever else he could find fault in. He settled for a job that makes 2/3 of what he was making. The new bills weren’t worked in the budget when I started depending on him. We had no debt other than mortgage and car. Now we find ourselves in $180k in debt. We fight every payday to stretch it so we can have meat. We get disconnect notices from the utilities on a regular basis and the credit cards are now in 3rd party collections. He was not interested in finding a better paying job and was too proud to ask for his old job back. He sat out in his barn and drank. When he was with M and me he was very drunk. I told him not to come around us when he was drinking so he just stayed in the barn even more.
This Year
I lost M one day. I had fallen asleep and she took advantage of it. I was out for about an hour. When I woke she was nowhere. After 15 minutes of searching with neighbors we found her walking the nearby railroad track. I went to the Dr and told him about it and he changed my prescription. I remember it was tax time and we were doing ours on the last weekend. It was my first day on Zoloft. Looking at the files and the QuickBooks and how the business drained us I wretch everything I could up. I was so terribly sick. I think it was a combination of my coping skills for handing stress and the medication change. He says I had a nervous breakdown.
I changed to Cymbalta and I, for a lack of a better way of explaining, woke up from a drug-induced coma. By the end of April, he killed my dog. Riley liked to catch and eat our laying hens and AH wanted to resolve the issue. I told him to leave Riley in the barn and I’d take him to the SPCA. Our neighbor was calling everyone she knew to find him a new home. I went in to fix supper, thin fried pork chops and gravy. It took no more than 45 minutes to fix. When I called him in he said he has already shot Riley. He was still drinking heavily. I took his gun away that night. He thinks it’s in the nearby pond. His father took his 2 rifles and my shotgun for safe keeping during the next week. I started remembering past occurrences and called up the people involved. I was told stories of how he severely beaten Riley. He also made a neighbor feel that he was in danger waving a gun around saying he had a bullet to use.
AH decided to stop drinking cold turkey 2 months ago. He still hasn’t looked for help. He does have a list of whys and hows that he created himself on his mirror. He stays away from the barn and comes inside with us. But he’s not with us. He’s just happens to be in the same room. He gestures and grunts aggravatingly to M when she wants his attention. He’s not saying things nicely to her, telling her to shut up and has yelling contests with her. He still makes poor decisions and doesn't seem to have a straight, intelligent thought in his head.
Along with my antidepressant change I started going to counseling. He has been great support for my growth in awareness. With his help I have come up with a game plan. I’m actively looking for a job and a place to move to. I have at-home work I do to make a little bit of money but it’s nowhere near what I’ll need. I just know that it’s not just me in this. Its my daughter, too. And I am responsible for her safety and well-being. I have set out requirements for my AH to follow if he wants me to stay but he's not following them. At this point, I feel so sorry for him. A part of me wants to stay and help, I know I'm leaving him in a predicament, but when else will I say when? There will always be problems, They will always escalate.
I have been lurking for a week or so but haven't told my story. It's similar I know to others but telling it helps me find my resolve.
AH and I married 13 years ago in March. We moved to a house in the country 6 months later. The first few years were tolerable to pretty darn good. AH stayed at work so much that I had rare moments with him and when i did, I didn't mind the drinking. During our 6th year we discussed children. I said I was afraid that I would turn into my mother. He answer with what else do we have to do with out lives? We’re too old to do anything else. He went on a 3-month bender. It was the first I had seen. I went to see a counselor and after bursting into tears when I sat down he told me that it wasn’t my problem. That he has to determine his own fate. It was an epiphany. I started staying away from home. As soon as I came in he would be yelling at me and asking why wasn’t I home? I answered if he was nice to me maybe I’d stick around. Time passed and we started getting along better.
I started wanting a child. For many selfish reasons I felt that a child would do me good. And AH was happy again and I was enjoying his company. I brought it up and he promised me that he’d work so I could be a stay-at-home-mom. That he’d stop smoking (both), and drinking. The conception was quick and the pregnancy went well. I stopped smoking and changed my diet for the better. I scrimped and saved and stockpiled goods and money. OUr dauther, M, was born on April 29, 2004. The last day I worked was April 27th. I was an SAHM. AH had a job that paid well for this area. And we were almost living within our means. We were shy of a few thousand over a course of a year. I picked up small side jobs to help bridge that difference.
Three months after her birth, AH quits his job to become a sole proprietor of a Snap-On trial franchise. I begged him not to. That he just needed to ask for a raise. Or I could get a job for spending cash. We hit rock bottom in 8 months. All of our savings was gone including our retirement fund. And credit cards started calling for payments. During this period I started taking Effexor, an SSRI.
AH got out of the trial franchise and surrendered all the commodities that he had from the business. It took him 3 months to find a job. He was drinking a lot and was obstinate that he wasn’t going to work in weather, nor dust, nor clean rooms, or whatever else he could find fault in. He settled for a job that makes 2/3 of what he was making. The new bills weren’t worked in the budget when I started depending on him. We had no debt other than mortgage and car. Now we find ourselves in $180k in debt. We fight every payday to stretch it so we can have meat. We get disconnect notices from the utilities on a regular basis and the credit cards are now in 3rd party collections. He was not interested in finding a better paying job and was too proud to ask for his old job back. He sat out in his barn and drank. When he was with M and me he was very drunk. I told him not to come around us when he was drinking so he just stayed in the barn even more.
This Year
I lost M one day. I had fallen asleep and she took advantage of it. I was out for about an hour. When I woke she was nowhere. After 15 minutes of searching with neighbors we found her walking the nearby railroad track. I went to the Dr and told him about it and he changed my prescription. I remember it was tax time and we were doing ours on the last weekend. It was my first day on Zoloft. Looking at the files and the QuickBooks and how the business drained us I wretch everything I could up. I was so terribly sick. I think it was a combination of my coping skills for handing stress and the medication change. He says I had a nervous breakdown.
I changed to Cymbalta and I, for a lack of a better way of explaining, woke up from a drug-induced coma. By the end of April, he killed my dog. Riley liked to catch and eat our laying hens and AH wanted to resolve the issue. I told him to leave Riley in the barn and I’d take him to the SPCA. Our neighbor was calling everyone she knew to find him a new home. I went in to fix supper, thin fried pork chops and gravy. It took no more than 45 minutes to fix. When I called him in he said he has already shot Riley. He was still drinking heavily. I took his gun away that night. He thinks it’s in the nearby pond. His father took his 2 rifles and my shotgun for safe keeping during the next week. I started remembering past occurrences and called up the people involved. I was told stories of how he severely beaten Riley. He also made a neighbor feel that he was in danger waving a gun around saying he had a bullet to use.
AH decided to stop drinking cold turkey 2 months ago. He still hasn’t looked for help. He does have a list of whys and hows that he created himself on his mirror. He stays away from the barn and comes inside with us. But he’s not with us. He’s just happens to be in the same room. He gestures and grunts aggravatingly to M when she wants his attention. He’s not saying things nicely to her, telling her to shut up and has yelling contests with her. He still makes poor decisions and doesn't seem to have a straight, intelligent thought in his head.
Along with my antidepressant change I started going to counseling. He has been great support for my growth in awareness. With his help I have come up with a game plan. I’m actively looking for a job and a place to move to. I have at-home work I do to make a little bit of money but it’s nowhere near what I’ll need. I just know that it’s not just me in this. Its my daughter, too. And I am responsible for her safety and well-being. I have set out requirements for my AH to follow if he wants me to stay but he's not following them. At this point, I feel so sorry for him. A part of me wants to stay and help, I know I'm leaving him in a predicament, but when else will I say when? There will always be problems, They will always escalate.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
He made his "predicament", don't feel guilty. You must take care of you and your child. My heart goes out to you for going thru all this madness. Please keep coming back to this forum, it helped me keep my sanity during some of my darkest hours.
It sounds like you have a very "level" head on your shoulders, making a plan for you and your little one. You are a strong person, don't ever doubt that.
(((Hugs))) and prayers being sent your way !
It sounds like you have a very "level" head on your shoulders, making a plan for you and your little one. You are a strong person, don't ever doubt that.
(((Hugs))) and prayers being sent your way !
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us!
Thank you for sharing your story-it is a tuff situation that you are in and thinking about going to Al-Anon is something to consider.
Keep posting here and read some of the stickies at the top of the forum!
Thank you for sharing your story-it is a tuff situation that you are in and thinking about going to Al-Anon is something to consider.
Keep posting here and read some of the stickies at the top of the forum!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Hello, Allison, and welcome to this board. The feeling I got from your story is that you are one very intelligent lady and a caring mother. I was sorry to read about Riley's fate but that was also the point where I thought Allison deserves better than this. Like you say, it keeps escalating.
We're here and we understand.
ARL
We're here and we understand.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Hi Allison, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. I'm so sorry about your dog.
Do you have emergency numbers or emergency plan in place if he becomes violent toward you and your daughter? Not trying to scare you, but the disease progresses and its just good to be prepared and have all the bases covered just in case. Who knows what other issues he has that might be surfacing besides alcholism.
I'm going through a similiar situation living with AH, big mortgage and over 100K CC debt and similiar business failure. Our marriage is all but destroyed because AH's thinking is so out to lunch, the finances are in shambles, he's verbally abusive when drunk and even when sober makes no sense to me etc.
=
You might qualify for free legal aid in your situation. I would suggest talking with a good divorce lawyer that is also good with bankruptcy. Something to consider for a fresh start for you and your daughter because you would still legally share the financial responsibilities of the mortgage, marital debt when you leave if it doesn't get resolved. I'm just throwing some ideas out there. It's good to know all the options, pros and cons etc that might work for you.
You deserve a better life than this for you and your child. Hope you keep posting.
Do you have emergency numbers or emergency plan in place if he becomes violent toward you and your daughter? Not trying to scare you, but the disease progresses and its just good to be prepared and have all the bases covered just in case. Who knows what other issues he has that might be surfacing besides alcholism.
I'm going through a similiar situation living with AH, big mortgage and over 100K CC debt and similiar business failure. Our marriage is all but destroyed because AH's thinking is so out to lunch, the finances are in shambles, he's verbally abusive when drunk and even when sober makes no sense to me etc.
=
You might qualify for free legal aid in your situation. I would suggest talking with a good divorce lawyer that is also good with bankruptcy. Something to consider for a fresh start for you and your daughter because you would still legally share the financial responsibilities of the mortgage, marital debt when you leave if it doesn't get resolved. I'm just throwing some ideas out there. It's good to know all the options, pros and cons etc that might work for you.
You deserve a better life than this for you and your child. Hope you keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Apex, NC
Posts: 13
I am in Al-anon and I do have an escape plan. And free legal advice is available to me once I move out if my income is not too high. I will hear about a job tomorrow and hope to be out of here by next weekend.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
hi allison- welcome. you are very brave- it sounds like you are making a difficult but necessary first step in helping yourself and your daughter. get as much support as you need- you will need it, and it will be worth it-- do you have any alanon meetings in your area? it might be good to have face to face support as well as the board-- the more options for support, the better; don't try to take on everything alone-- there are many willing and able to help.
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