respektingme

For years, my AH complained to his mother and kids about me behind my back. Now that he is working on his sobriety (not very well might I add), he has said he doesn't do that anymore. Well, whether or not he still does is not really an issue anymore. What he created with his drama loving family, is someone to target their self-loathing aggressions at. They've loved hating me.

So, two of my stepdaughters have come around. They were little trained Nazi's for a long time. I never stood a chance. But now they are older and are coming around. The middle one though (21) is a recluse and loyal to my mother-in-law. I've never done one thing to this kid. I've never spent time with her alone or had the chance to.

I saw her tonight. I said hello and got nothing. It still bothers me. I must be so entirely codependent to still be disappointed when somebody doesn't like me. I mean, these kids were raised to think that I was literally evil (mother-in-law is an Awana's leader, scary). So I don't know why I expect anything different. It still sucks. And ALL my AH seems to do is shrug his shoulders. "What do you want me to do?" sorta look, like he's not responsible. Honestly, I'd love to never have to lay my eyes on his mother again. I'd love it if all three of his adult children could show basic common courtesies. I'd love it if I didn't have continuing repercussions from AH's drinking. He played them. My mother-in-law played them. Has always sucked having 3 kids who hated me for no reason.

hadenoughnow

You are human, no one wants lies and gossip spread about their actions or character, any normal person would be hurt by it.

justjo

Respek, you sound like a lovely person to me... If it were me, I would ask myself this. "how important is it to me to know these kids? And how important is it that they like me?"
Sounds like years have gone by and they are grown now. If it is important to you, why not try to slowly get to know them one on one. Go shopping or have a coffee with them. Let them really decide who you are!! Usually, once someone has the chance to get to know someone, they make up their own mind.

harleygirl92156

ANY CHANCE TOGET SOME POSITIVE THINKING GOING HERE?
1. You said two of the children have come around and realize you are not the evil step mother...POSITIVE! Two out of three ain't bad.

2. Try and look at your mother-in-law in a different light. Maybe she had some type of trama in her life, maybe trama from childhood that no one knows about, maybe abuse at the hands of her spouse, maybe something more evil than you can possibly imagine and it left her hard, cold and manipulative. No one knows why she does the things she does, but you can't control her, only yourself and if you show love, understanding and compassion, you usually get the same in return (in most cases.) Even if you don't, you can have the knowledge that you did the right thing.

3. Ditto on number two for the third step daughter.

4. Face facts. Some parents can not ever accept the fact that their child is an alcoholic so they look for someone or something else to blame and it appears you are it probably because you were the closest to him and made yourself a huge target. Parents of alcoholics sometimes have to point fingers and blame others because inside they really feel it is THEIR fault the child is alcoholic and they just can't deal with it.

YOU CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY THAN WITH VINEGAR.

Try replacing hate with understanding, loathing with compassion and trying giving the situation a lot less energy, try looking inward instead of outward at the situation, see what you have done to make matters worse. I have found that when there is a bad situation such as this with two sides, NEITHER side is without some fault in the matter. Check yourself first.

Now, this might upset you, so I will preface, this is just my opinion. It appears there is a competition going on between you and your mother-in-law to see who can win the affection of these children. Seems the kids have been led to believe by both of you that they have to choose one of you and can not have both. Is this a good environment for these children? They should be able to love you both and have relationships with you both without being made to feel they have to choose. NOW, you can't do anything about your mother in law and how she interacts with these kids, but you sure can change how you interact with them.
Do you let them know how you feel about their grandmother? If you do, STOP. If you don't GOOD FOR YOU. You can change the whole dynamics of the situation just by changing your attitude and outlook. Just try it, IT CAN'T HURT.
God bless and good luck

Lady BlueMiles

I spent years getting my feelings stomped on by AH's dysfunctional family. It hurt, and a few years ago I finally resigned myself to the fact that how much I tried to give of myself it wasn't accepted or appreciated. In over twenty years they never accepted his second marriage. The love was never returned.

AH felt a duty to aging parents and I did go along for years but after MIL and FIL passed away I came to the conclusion it was time to emotionally detach from the rest of the brood for my own well being. That meant traveling hours out of state for visits SIL and BIL's spouses etc became fewer and farther in between.

I live close to one ABIL and his family and cope with get togethers a little more often but it's been over two years since visiting with other family members for me. I'll still talk on the phone if I answer when they call, exchange holiday and birthday wishes, and I'm polite and courteous because I'm still living with AH. But I no longer subject myself to the abuse in conversations that comes from the twisted mentalities.

I feel a loss of what could have been feeling the joy of being part of a large family. But don't miss feeling second class bottom of the barrel and being the scapegoat to everyone's unhealthy attitudes.

Matter of fact, we just received an invite to nephews baby's first birthday party. I was never invited to the baby shower or his wedding. (some of this has to do with AH) But that aside, nephew and I have never been close, he never thought of me as a real auntie or took the time to get to know me.

So instead of showing up with an expensive gift that I can't afford, that would be expected in return for the invite to the event, I think it's appropriate for me to send a card with a small gift certificate from babies'r' us from both of us and be done with it. It's win win for me. The baby gets a gift and I maintain some peace for myself.

respektingme

My situation is a result of a bad combination of alcoholism and step-family. I had some bad experiences with my own step-mother, so I strove to be generous and nice to my stepkids. Well, that was a recipe for disaster. As I was learning to be co-dependent, my AH was telling them that I was the source of all his problems. So when they were rude to me as kids, I acted like I didn't notice. I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want to be like my stepmother. I must have had a huge "kick me" sign on my head. I wanted approval from my MIL, so I didn't confront her behavior. AH was also crying to her about me. Since we lived several states away from all of them, it was probably easy for them to conjure up images of pure evil. They all got to believe that daddy was divine, and if weren't for his evil witch wife, he would have continued paying for one daughter's college even after she made nearly straight F's for 2 years and lied the entire time saying he was making terrific grades. The truth is, my husband failed to take responsibility for his kids in any other fashion except financially. He let other people raise his kids. He was too busy working and drinking. So, I'm sure they feel dumped. Much easier to blame me for his lack of responsibility than to realize he failed them.

As for what I did to my MIL, I did nothing. She was raised by an alcoholic and is currently married to an active alcoholic. She is the most controlling person I have ever known. She treats my AH like he's 5 and he's almost 50. She acts like he's her property. She hates his ex-wife, hates me and has hated every woman he has ever dated. I was merely another threat to her feeling of control over my AH. She was too caught up in controlling everybody (including trying to control me) to ever figure out that she'd see a lot more of us if she would have at least been civil. Never happened. If she'd ever go to Alanon, I bet she'd crack wide open with tears of relief after realizing the world will continue to spin if she's not trying to be God. Will never happen. She has got to be needed. When she creates chaos in my married, she views that as success. Her son needs her because his wife is a meanie. So, I have less disdain now for her than I used to because I have removed her power. I do hope to progress in my own recovery in the future, so that I can totally detach from anything she has to say about me. But I'm not quite there yet. Thanks all.

nan07

Looks like your husband is the "hub" of all these problems. He's told them lies about you and encouraged them to treat you badly, from his mom right down to the girls. Until he sings a different tune, they'll probably regard you suspiciously. Looks like he can get out of contributing $ by blaming stuff on you- really, he looks like the villain here.

denny57

The only person I can expect to change is myself. When I am hurt I look to myself and ask what I could do differently. Not for or with or to other people, but for, with or to myself. When someone's casual disregard hurts me, I know I need to look at why I am still looking for outside validation. The more I have focused on myself the less that occurs.

I don't believe in villains in these types of dynamics - because I have the capacity to create the life I want for myself.

Do you think your stepdaughters have ever picked up on the fact that you regard(ed) them as trained little Nazis?

respektingme

"Do you think your stepdaughters have ever picked up on the fact that you regard(ed) them as trained little Nazis?"

I kinda doubt it. I never blamed them. They were just kids. It's been nice having 2 of them make an effort. I was happy to meet them halfway and now things are pretty great. But it was a long time coming. I find it unfortunate that anyone would teach a kid how to hate. It comes naturally enough, no need to teach a kid that while they are little. I don't bring them into my relationship with my mother-in-law either. I imagine my AH has talked to them about it, but I don't feel it's something I need to bring them into.

Lady BlueMiles

My MIL was a real piece of work too. I met AH long after he was divorced with first wife and she even REMARRIED. MIL still held out hope they would get back together and resented and blamed me for being in the way. How do you deal with that? LOL. She was kinda mean. She would be sure to call his ex when I was in the room over the holidays, buy her beautiful gifts and I would get something from the dollar store or something someone gave her that she didn't like. Anything she could do to make me feel low and be smiling at me and talking to me in condescending baby talk the whole time. God I hated those visits.

I never had the opportunity to be alone with his kids either. They were always surrounded by MIL or the ex would come over with them, or "real auntie" SIL would be there. It still goes on when we visit if I'm around and they're adults!

After MIL passed on SIL adopted the role. Ironically, I developed a pretty good working relationship with the ex early on and we got along fine especially when dealing with the fam. I found out years later she was a closet A and her disease has progressed also. After her kids grew up she started drinking pretty bad. She's divorced now.

I wouldn't say his kids and I are close, but they are somewhat respectful and appreciate what they've received over the years in lieu of monies and gifts that I contributed to. But even with them that door only swings one way, with them always being on the recieving end with me being expected to to feel grateful for whatever tidbits get doled to me from their lives like wallet sized pics of the grandkids while "real auntie" gets an 8X10. They've never called me personally to say hi or how ya doin' or share what's going on, they called for "dad" or whenever they wanted or needed something..

It sounds so ridiculous for me to talk about now. Who could believe this kind of stuff happens? But it does and that stuff hurts. Now, I accept them for who they are, and emotionally invest my time more wisely with my own family. My niece in Fla. is getting married in October. We can't wait to see each other and talk all the time on the phone about her plans and stuff. That brings me joy.

respektingme

Somehow, the codependency/alcoholism thing comes into play in these situations I think. I mean, surely it can't be normal for women to be so heavily involved in their adult son's lives. Why the need for so much control over the grandkids? Who does it benefit?

When I first met my husband, his mother told me horror stories about his first wife. At first, I could not believe he ever married her. She sounded absolutely horrible. We always managed to keep our distance, and she's been living in another country for several years now, so I never met her face to face. But after being exposed to my MIL and me waking up a bit, I started to put some pieces of the puzzle together. When my skids have brought up the subject of their mother, I have listened and spoke with compassion. They probably think that's bizarre because nobody has ever told me the first wife's position, but I think some of it is pretty obvious. The first wife is nice to me when we speak on the phone, albeit a bit of a language barrier.

I try to focus on my family also. That has worked well for me. Being here is just a reminder of the years of turmoil we've been through. It's no wonder my AH is an alcoholic. His mother abused him when he was a kid. Lots of rage in her household. Sometimes it just bothers me. I don't necessarily mind if my skids don't want a relationship with me. It just bothers me when they are still outright rude to me. I'm 40. I don't feel like pretending they aren't rude anymore. Luckily I'm only down to 1 adult child, but is it just too much to say hello? I'm gonna let go and go for a walk. Thanks all.

Mr. Christian

You know when you marry someone you marry the family.

I had met the family of ex long before we got married and I should have listen to my gut.

Freaks breed freaks, yep I said it!

We are molded from the birth to what our parents are. Right and wrong is taught to us in their minds eye.


It all comes down to what we can handle and accept. A man should always stand up for his marriage 1st, family 2nd.

justjo

At the end of the day we are all responsible for what happens to us and how we choose to live.
Sounds like alot of blame going on in here. Even if others are wrong and have different opinions, or are the meanest people on earth. You have the choice to walk away.
Just because it is family doesnt mean you have to put up with anything. After reading all of this, why are you putting up with your husbands crap. If you think he is the cause of all your problems, well, move on. He is not going to change. You can change and you dont need all this drama, do you? Your husband has painted this awful character of you to the children all these years, you dont like the children by the sounds of it and yet you are still trying to win them over. Why?
OK some of us are victims of our environment and the way we grew up, things happen, but theres nothing we can do about it, other than to learn from our experiences and make our own minds up. Stay in the misery or learn to live a better way of life.
Freaks breed freaks, Quoted;
I totally disagree. We all have the ability to have what we want.

cagefree

My mom got ticked at my dad before I was born - they had problems all my life. My mom, eternally ticked at my father, taught me from early on that my dad was a bad person, he didn't care about me and he was horrible to her. She made sure to make it known that I was the "mistake" of the litter, that he didn't want me and didn't want a girl.

I did not develop the tools needed to avoid horrible relationships with men, with myself and next to no relationship in my childhood with my dad in part because of this.

Today, I deal with feelings of resentment and anger toward my mother. Kids might be naive, but when they grow up, they figure out what's really going on. I love my mom and have a lot of resentment at the same time.

Today my relationship is much better with my dad than it is with my mom. My dad does not say one bad thing about my mom. My mom still cuts him down every chance she gets, despite me putting up boundaries not to, so she sees less and less of me until she stops berating him.

We (kids) figure it out...we figure out who used us as pawn and who had our best interests at heart. We resent those who used us and love those who loved us even though we were taught to hate them.