suzieq1972

I was on Celebrate Recovery's website today and found a list of behaviors that are considered enabling.

1. Protection from natural consequences of behavior.
2. Keeping secrets about behavior from others in order to keep peace.
3. Making excuses for behavior.
4. Bailing out of trouble.
5. Blaming others for dependent persons behavior.
6. Seeing the problem as the result of something else.
7. Avoiding the chemically dependent person.
8. Giving money that is undeserved/unearned.
9. Attempting to control.
10. Making threats that have no follow through or consistency.
11. Taking care of the chemically dependent person.

As everyone knows my AH is not living at home with us and I have told him in order to come back home he needs to get help. SO, I have a problem with #7. I do take his phone calls, but i will not allow him to come home because he is still drinking. That doesn't qualify as avoiding does it?

The way I see it, I'm trying to have peace and serenity in my home for myself and my son. Although, even though I've told him this he still doesn't seem to interested in getting any help. I don't know how long I should wait for anything to happen. I know no one can tell me, I'll know myself. But, in the meantime I wonder if I'm just making things worse.

SO, am i enbling him by not letting him come home (is that avoidance)?

Sue

Pick-a-name

I did the same thing. Actually, he left for a month and told me to "get my act together" and then when he wanted to move back in, I said that we both had some work to do. The kids (teens at the time) and I were not willing to live with him until he got help for his drinking and it's related problems (including increasing verbal abuse that was escalating toward physical, at least with son). His "solution" (he eventually filed for divorce) was not what I had hoped, however it was still my boundary not to live with an active alcoholic and also to protect our children from that,too.

I have wondered about this,too. Thanks for asking and for posting the above list.

denny57

You're not avoiding him, you're just not living with him right now. Think of the avoidance in the context of living with the disease. Meaning, when he walks in the living room you walk out; when you know he's going to be home drinking you take the verrrrrry long way home, etc.

I would also think about why I zeroed in on one of 11 traits and found fault with what I was doing. Because I did that ALL the time.

ICU

Not in my opinion it doesn’t. That sounds more like a boundary to me…and a very good one.

Quite frankly, I don’t see how #7 qualifies as enabling in the least.

suzieq1972

Once again I have to tell everyone thank you. And Denny, thank you for pointing out zeroing in on one of 11 traits. I am way too critical of my choices and actions , discovered that after talking to my counselor this week. Never even realized that I did that.

Also realized that I can and will defend my child to the death, but I've allowed my AH to say the ugliest things to me and not say a word. I also understand now that I have spent the last 19 yrs (thats how long I've known him...married 15 of those) building my entire life around him, his thoughts, feelings, etc. I can see how I've lost myself in him and I cried when I finally realized that.

In time I hope to become stronger.

denny57

Our years invested match exactly. If you have lived with alcoholism, you are stronger than you know - in time I realized that - I was strong all along, I just stopped believing it for a while.

((()))

stillsearching

denny,

I have to tell you that your postings are always so "spot on" and filled with wisdom, that have helped me to see that I really need to stop thinking about "him" and what to do about "him" and do for myself and children. I am working really hard to move forward. I do at times struggle with the "times" that do seem normal, I tend to "forget" what he just did the day before or had been doing for the last week. Now when those thoughts "creep" into my mind I keep reminding myself of what just happend and how it will continue.

How did you come to that point???

denny57

I have a lonnnnng way to go, but I've gotten where I am today by hard work. Many here at SR lead me by example. I attend Al-Anon, I work the 12 steps, I see a therapist a couple times a month, I see my family doctor every few months (though that is tapering off). Most importantly, taking care of myself this way has allowed me to find the joy in life again. I always had it, it was just so beaten down by living with the disease.

Speaking of alcoholism - learning all I could - I was absolutely ignorant 2 years ago - has taught me to have compassion for those that suffer with addiction. Learning all I could about abuse helped me see my life for what it was.

Finally - and I HATE to say this LOL - but I think age has taught me quite a bit.

I learn so much from everyone here - I can't tell you how many times I say OMG, I do that too - stop it! That's what was triggered in me about the 11 traits above. I have so many good things going on and just yesterday I chose to pick ONE thing that could, might go wrong. ARGGGH!

((()))

FormerDoormat

"In time I hope to become stronger."

In time, you will.