cagefree

Yeah - me. Something I never figured would happen this soon, happened.

I finally admitted to myself I have a crush on someone. I started thinking, hey, if we were to go out to get to know each other and this guy orders a beer I am going to freak out and run, yes RUN out of the restaurant.

I'm terrified of any man who drinks. After what I've been through I'm sure it's normal - but I also know that every man who puts liquor to his lips is not an alcoholic. Hey, I drink a few times a year and I'm not an A.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you work through it? I am avoiding this man like the plague because I like him and am afraid. I don't want to hide from people forever.

respektingme

I can completely understand. Seems like lots of people married to alcoholics remarry another alcoholic the second time around. Of course, most likely none would do so consciously. So, it makes you wonder how it happened, and of course you'd want to avoid it at all costs. Plus, we know how sneaky A's can be, so if someone you like doesn't want you to know their secret, it would be pretty easy to hide while dating. I mean, my A could hide it from me and we're married and living in the same house.

Perhaps if you do wind up going out with this guy, you could not mention for a while that your ex is an A. If you tell him that your ex is an A, and this guy already is, he may hide it from you to keep you around. Keep your eyes open and your heart closed until you figure it out.

cagefree

Yup, my ex hid his drinking from me when we were living together as well.

I'm sure he already knows through friends who have been trying to get us together for awhile. I guess it's just one of those moments where going slow and practicing making and sticking to my boundaries will help.

Or maybe I need to ask myself an important question: Is drinking at all something I want in my life...period?

Hmmm...

respektingme

Well, ya know, that's a personal choice. I never paid it much thought until I figured out my AH was an A. But when I see my friends, we drink on occasion. One friend and I met in Vegas in February. We had some drinks. I see another friend typically around the holidays and she'll have some wine available. I mean, an anti-booze policy seems to me to be adding unnecessary strain to a relationship. I mean, what if the guy you date next had a former wife who was addicted to chocolate. So you get together and he implements an anti-chocolate policy for you. If you don't have a problem with chocolate, it might not be a big deal, but seem like he's being rather restrictive or controlling.

Or, if you're just suggesting that you only go out with men who never, ever drink, that could deny you of meeting someone special. I don't know many people who never ever drink. If you meet someone who NEVER drinks, perhaps they are in recovery. And then you might risk being with them when/if they relapse. I'd just keep my eye out for their behavior and patterns.

ICU

Not too long after my ex and I split up I was asked out by three different men. The first who was a neighbor that was moving out . I never got to know him that well while he was living here, but, I knew that drinking was a constant activity of his. He gave me his phone number and said to call him and maybe we could go out drinking. I said that I could do without the drinking. He looked absolutely shocked!!! We both kind of looked at each other for a brief moment....then he walked away, and I closed and 'locked' the door, LOL.

The second one told me he had a crush on me from the days when I was still with my ex, but didn't want to say anything back then. His idea of socializing is to hang out in the bar 6 nights a week...plus, he worked in a restaurant that served liquor...he was a bartender. I pretty much told hm the same thing....he took offense thinking I was judging him based on my ex. I think we were both pretty clear that we would never be going out together.

And the third....please....not even worth a mention! I got asked out in a convenience store parking lot for crying out loud. 'Nuff said!!

To me if a person even mentions going out for 'drinks' in the very first conversation, I think I would state my opinion right of the bat, just like I have done previously. It seemed to help weed out both people and behaviors that I no longer tolerate in my life.

Now, if a man suggests we meet for coffee, ice cream, a walk in the park, or a movie, (or almost any non drinking activity) yeah, it would probably get my attention for sure. Oddly enough though, that hasn't happened yet....hmmm......

cagefree

I don't get "going out for drinks" or "going out drinking". I never had fun sitting on my butt with a drink. I need to move and play in my free time.

I don't drink that much or at all, mostly for medical reasons, so when I met my ex and he said he didn't drink because he was recovering I thought - great! Someone who won't make fun of me because I don't drink hardly at all and we can go to parties and out to eat and not-drink together. Well, we all know how that story ended.

Being 33, I don't want to play games and want to get to the point. No wasting time here.

I guess it's the let-down I'm afraid of, now that I'm thinking this through. I want to attract a better man than my ex. That and the fear of putting my newly learned tools of self care into practice - like when I learned how to ride a motorcycle in the classroom and then went out to actually ride the thing! It was scary until we got going - then it was the time of my life.

ICU

Yup, that's pretty much my what responses were about as mentioned in my previous post above.

And, I felt my responses pretty much mirrored my new recovery tools. If for some reason I fail to use my new tools correctly or in a timely fashion, that's ok. It will become a learning experience for next time.

Try to relax a little...you're doing good! Look how far you have come already!!

respektingme

I don't think I'd be turned off by someone asking me to dinner. At this point, just "drinks" might be a bad signal. But I'd pay close attention to what he ordered to drink and how fast he drank it. I mean, if I go to dinner, most of the time I'll order iced tea. If I see a particularly stunning looking picture of a drink they serve, I may try it. Otherwise I don't give it much thought. I'd expect the same level of thought towards drinking if I was going out with someone new. Serious contemplation of booze one way or the other, to me is a bad sign.

allison060669

Just remember you have the option of saying yes to the invitation of a date. And you have the option of saying no if it's not what you want. Trust yourself to keep yourself out of those bad situations. Listen to your instinct. Stay true to your convictions. It's okay to test the waters and say it's not for you.

And yes, I'm considering the same thing. Watching just how much others drink and perceiving them hurting themselves doing so. It makes me wary.

Barbara52

I understand the paranoia of those who have dealt with an alcoholic can have about dating anyone who drinks. But I think folks need to remember that the vast majority of people who drink are not alcoholics or in danger of becoming alcoholics or alcohol abusers.

I meet friends for drinks now and then. Its one way of socializing. It doesn't mean anyone is going to get drunk. It doesn't mean we all have drinking problems in some form. It just means sometimes we get together and have a couple of drinks together.

I certainly would watch a potential date (or even potential new friends) and be on the alert for warning signs of a potential alcohol problem. But I am not gonna to allow alcohol to contol my life in yet another new way by stopping me from getting involved with someone who has a normal "relationship" with alcohol. Its not the alcohol that is the problem, its the abuse and/or addiciton that is the problem.

ICU

Yeah, but many of us got fooled in the beginning. I mean, I wish my ex would have filled out his bio letting me know exactly what to expect, but that certainly didn't happen, LOL.

I think it's ok to be 'cautious' in whatever manner that works for us as individuals based on our own personal experiences. I think a lot depends on where we as individuals are along in our recovery and also how brutual our past experiences may have been. We need to trust our own gut. And in time, we can change how we feel about that, if the situation(s) warrant it.

Barbara52

Oh I agree absolutely! We all have reason to be suspicious because of what we've been through. SOme of may decide that alcohol has no place in our lives. Some may decide its ok in moderation. All of it is subject to change depending on all sorts of things.

lillian

for me, it's pretty clear to me NOW who is an AH and who is not-- i didn't see it the first time because i chose not to-- i was younger, didn't have the experience. i wanted to swept off my feet, and ignored the fact that most 38 year old man doesn't get wasted and only hang out with people 15 years younger, usually at bars. i don't see anything wrong with a person who has a drink or two, or who asks to meet for a drink ona first date--it's pretty typical i think to ask someone for a drink or coffee. it's less complicated than going out to dinner, less weird than inviting someone to your place-- a bar or coffee shop is a neutral place. BUT... if the person gets DRUNK, or wobbles, or is sloppy-- if they are over 16 or 17 years old, when a person might be learning their limits, then THAT is a sign... if a person is ready to marry you after one meeting, is jealous, has a big ego, doesn't have a job, or a car... if they are grandious-- THOSE are signs... i met a man i was really attracted to at a bar-- i never go to bars anymore, but a friend was performing, so i went. he seemed sober- we had a great time. i met him again, late at night, and noticed he was stumbling a bit. that's when i suspected, and then there were more signs... anyway, if you aren't a teen or frat college kid, it's pretty rare for a grown man or woman to drink to the point of stumbling. another bad sign-- if he or she is WASTED, but the next day gets up and does to work like it was nothing, and then gets wasted all over again the next day... that's a professional drinker... but being scared because someone orders a beer? nah... like someone said above, if they don't drink a drop EVER, that might be troublesome too- might mean they are an ex- Ah. having a beer/not having a beer isn't enough to label someone an AH or not. i think you should go have your date-- it seems like you are trying to protect yourself by closing yourself off completely-- if he does turn out to drink more than you're comfortable with, you can deal with that then and decide then- why decide now before you even know? go have fun!

ICU

Additional thoughts....why go someplace that serves alcohol at all? At least in the beginning try meeting at a nice diner perhaps, or a park. That doesn't eliminate your concern forever, but at least it will take some pressure off of the first 'meeting'.

justjo

I say, go with your instincts! If you have over analyse it, well......

CodeMaster

I felt the same way right after things between my ex and I fully ended. I hated alcohol, but in time if you enjoy single life and get to spend time finding yourself and finding peace and calm and coming back to a relatively healthy normal mindset (post dating drug addict lifestyle), then slowly I cared less if people drank or whatever.

At your phase, I'm sure any drink seems terrifying and its understandable and I have compassion for you.

I think the bigger picture is interesting, I learned a lot about myself, self awareness and awareness of identifying what I call "troubled people" (including myself). Today I am happier that I can identify people to not get too involved with because its nothing but trouble. Even though I can identify the difference of healthy people vs. unhealthy, I still find myself attracted to the excitement of the unhealthy, so someitmes I'll hits the clubs and its all fun to flirt but I wont ever get myself involved with any of them. At least I dont plan to, but just like an alcoholic has tendencie to drink, a codependant has tendancies to get with unhealthy relationship for some reason!

Funny thing is, I consider myself just as "troubled" as an alcoholic , I think I'm all trouble for whoeer gets involved with me, I sometimes think the healthy who hasnt become aware of identifying the unhealthy are a real treat for people like me, I dont deserve my healthy gf but sometimes I'm glad she cant see what I can see because if she could, she probably wouldnt be with me anymore.

hah, even the "troubled" still need love and better to get it frmo healthy then stay in the abusive cycles of dating drug addicts.

Anywyas, in time I think the faer of alcoholism will fade as you'll be able to identify early on who is alcoholic, and big hint! if you meet the persno from a bar or club, your asking for a repeat cycle of trouble!!! one thing i noticed is anyone healthy, NEVER or extremely rarely lets themselvse get involved with anyone from clubs. only the unhealthy to, like myself.

and once you can see this, you dont get so scared if the person your hanging with drinks one or two beers, you can tell if its just for heck of it drink, or if they have some alcoholic cravings going on. once you can see that, your less scared of what your scared of now

much loves and best wishes to your journey of sane healthy happy life.

cagefree

Many thanks for all your responses! They are so very dear so me - you all are so very dear to me.

I was having such a codie spin last week - I wasn't taking care of myself, working way too much and not focusing on my recovery...and suddenly my mind spews goo like this thread. don't get me wrong, I'm not slamming myself, but simply stating how I can see how one week of not "doing the work" can leave me doubting myself, my strengths and my ability to handle going back out into the world with my new box of tools.

I've worked so hard to feel like a whole person, with her own thoughts, opinions, feelings and one thought of being back in the chaos and abuse sent me spinning such that I wasn't prepared.

Thank God for all of you - reaffirming what I already know...I can start trusting myself and believe in my recovery.

FormerDoormat

I think a healthy person does exactly what you did on this thread--you allowed your feelings of fear and self-doubt to surface, you addressed each concern rationally, weighed your options, then decided the best course of action for you. You also recognized that, much like the A's in our lives, we codies need to continually work our program because it's easy to repeat past mistakes.

I think you deserve a big pat on the back.

cagefree

Awwwwww FD - warm fuzzy