venusinlibra

I have been off this thread and needed to post a comment. I need some words of encouragement or pearls of wisdom. My ABF is 8 months sober and we live together. He stopped using but the old habits are still there. The sarcastic comments, insensitivity towards my feelings, and the jealousy of my career success.

He seems to be calmer but feels the need to tell me how to act. Or how I am wrong, etc. it is usually right before we go to sleep and than I get stressed out and can't sleep. I'm trying to be patient but he seems like an arrogant ass. If I dare utter a complaint, ask for money for bills, etc. he goes into I'm a codie rant. He
says he doesn't have the money, I'm ruining his peace of mind, etc.

Is this normal? He is sober which is wonderful. He still is not self supporting and continues to spew his verbal acid. Has anyone experienced this in relationships? They get sober but still have the same addict behavior.

I go to Alanon and I am working my steps. I am really confused about this sobriety. I really want to throw in the towel...but the other part does not know to let go.

Live

I just want to name his behavior for what it is: abuse.

Please check out the stickey's at the top of the forum for more clarity.
This is unacceptable behavior sober or not.

prodigal

So, he's not self-supporting. Why is that? Did he get laid off from a job or fired? Is he actively seeking employment? My exAH was chronically unemployed or underemployed because he kept getting fired from jobs. Go figure ... an A who was a raging egomaniac and thought everyone he worked with or for were idiots. Meanwhile, I was supporting him most of the time. Solution: I left and filed for divorce.

You mention your ABF being sober is wonderful. However, you also mention he is sarcastic, insensitive towards you, tells you how to act (I believe that would fall under the category of "control"), and he appears to be an "arrogant ass." Okay. I'm confused here. What is it that's so wonderful about him remaining calm while hurling abuse in your direction? This doesn't sound like wonderful sobriety, this sounds like a dry drunk to me.

Is it normal for an A to pull a dry drunk? Yeah, if the A isn't working a program and is holding onto the behaviors he used to manipulate people when he was drinking. And YOU are ruining HIS peace of mind??? Tell him to get off his a$$ and start paying his share or get out. That should shake his world and peace of mind. It certainly got me those results with my exAH. I also had three cops parked out in our driveway several days after he threatened me, serving him with a restraining order. It's time for you to TAKE POSSESSION OF YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND - YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS.

cagefree

It's only been in the last few months I've been calling my sober ex's behaviour abuse. I was with him for 3 years. Denial...it can be suffocating.

keepingmyjoy

Mine "says" he has not been drinking, but really is still. But not drunk anymore. And yes, it is more peaceful, if you can call it that. But mine still has the behaviors and total selfishness. Sarcasm reigns supreme around here. His abusive behavior you do not deserve. You are worth more than having to have an arrogant ass tell you what is wrong with you! I have the same thing going on and it is tough. For me, I feel that if I keep taking it, I will remain in a victim mentality. Find ways to take care of you and if he starts in on you, can you walk away? Can you say "I am not going to discuss this with you" or something along those lines? Sometimes that helps me in my situation.

ICU

The first thing that came to my mind for his behavior is EXACTLY as Liveweyerd and
Cagefree named it....abuse!!

There's a book that might be of interest to you...'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft. I read it and experienced many, many lightbulb moments! Hint....not EVERYTHING about their behavior is alcohol related. It could just be 'who they really are'! Look into that book for more information.

hadenoughnow

If you are having trouble letting go think about how much longer you want to live like this, imagine doing it for 20 years except it will get much worse and possibly turn physical. He will probably start drinking again too (it may be years but it will happen). If he feels you pulling away he will probably straighten up for a while and suddenly want to get married (see then you are legally obligated to support him unless you want the hassle, expensive and societal issues of divorce).

If you think he is an arrogant ass then he probably is......

Take care

rach28

hi im new an it s me who drinks but bf doe s also,but not as excessively as i do, id like to say im the 1 wiv prob,

in my past relationship my childs dad was a drunk an i stopped drinking as he was violent, 2 drunks=1 big mess, so i stopped,we split an lo an be hold i got another violent drunk, he would trash my house an me, then ask me him 2 buy beer in morning cos he was shaking so bad,more fool me,i helped thru all this but was still my fault,i fed an clothed him for 2 yrs,i never saw him get sober an belive he still isant. being drunk is not an excuse to belittle , be sarcastic,or violent, or any of other things mentioned, drinking can exagerate the traits already in a person, an being drunk can make u say an do some nasty things, but 8 mths sober, fair play to the man, im still struggling, but it s my problem not my bf s or kids, i have 2 support them an my habit an b a mum, gf , good employee, im no saint but to try an blame u, an speak to u in this way , i have 2 conclude he is an ARSE! sorry but, it s not down to u to fix him, sounds like u have been EXTREMLY suportive, it s time u let him know, if he dont like it, TOUGH , as u said u have a succesful career, an a leech trying to cling tou, dont let him suck the life out of u,

u have helped him get thru, it s his choice, if he relapses it s not your doing, hope i have not offended or stepped past mark, but i seen it from both sides of the fence, an it s not right, xxxxx

parentrecovers

being sober isn't enough. he still has to be a decent human being...

hugs, k

rach28

just 2 add , my councellor reccomended a book by robin norwood, WOMEN WHO LOVE TO MUCH it sounds good an relevant,

rather embarassing but any1 know how i can find an read it online!! im banned from the library, wont go into that 1, but dont know any 1 i can really ask to get it for me,,

i ve heard u can do this but im rather computer illeterate an cant find right site, id like 2 read it,

venusinlibra

I'm not saying he is acting wonderful. I think it's wonderful that he is sober. That he made a step in the right direction for himself regardless if he is with me or not. I admire anyone who has the courage to do this. Naively I thought that once he was sober all the addict behavior would disappear. The anger, manipulation, insensitivity, etc. Ironically I had my stuff together when we started going out.

On a career and parental level. Obviously in relationships with men it was lacking. Not all of my relationships have been addicts...except for the last two. I am grateful that this relationship got me to Alanon. I am working through some parental stuff because I am the child of a very abusive alcoholic Mother. I was hoping he and I could get to the other side together. He's sober but still verbally abusive.

On not self supporting. He works but chooses not to pay for bills. Instead of buying drugs he buys himself stuff. I love him but I really don't understand that his behavior is still the same when he was using.

I'm going to a meeting this morning. Thanks for your support.

denny57

I think it can be confusing because it isn't right to label all alcoholics abusive - because they are not. It's why I'm not a big fan of the dry drunk analogy - it keeps everything tied to alcohol. Abuse is abuse. Many abusive men and women abuse substances. If someone has been sober - or off alcohol - for a period of time and still acts like an a$$, I see it for what it is.

venusinlibra

Well I do have more clarity now. I look back over the last two years I am a bit shell shocked on what has happened. Denial is pretty amazing how we allow situations to spiral out of control. I played my part in it as well. Now that I don't anymore, I realize how ridiculous and petty these arguments are.

It is about control, power, and manipulation. He tries to make me feel bad for doing so good. If I ever show the slightest bit of weakness or feeling bummed out for having a bad day...he picks a ridiculous fight and unloads on me. I will check out the books you mentioned. Thank you.