why can't i move on?
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
why can't i move on?
I cannot get out of this funk. I have read the books. I have read the boards. I have been really, really trying to take care of myself and reflect on what i need. But i haven't heard from AXBF for over a week, now, and i'm so, so sad. feeling guilty, feeling like he's mad at me, blablabla. How do i detach and get over this? I deserve better, but yet find myself making excuses that it wasn't that bad. I know better, but am so depressed and worried about him and don't understand how he could say all those things to me, and give me such a promising future, yet the instance i bring up being worried about his drinking, he is OUTTA THERE. After so long (year). I saw a sober side of him for quite awhile, so i fell in love with that GOOD side, and its harder for me to get over, i guess. but I am SO DOWN. SO DEPRESSED. SO CONFUSED.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
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CDK 
so sorry you are going through so much pain....
Try to be more gentle with yourself-
There is no reason for you to feel guilty..
Have you tried to go to a meeting? Worth a try.....and or a counselor someone who is or will be easier to talk too...kind of like us @ SR!
Most of us have seen both sides of our A's and yes the part we usually fall in love with is the "Good side" it is what they show to us to hook us in....(most of the time the ones who are not sober in the start that is)....it is the behavior that they begin to show over time that becomes unacceptable for us to live our lives.
If you are feeling down, depressed and confused.......it is because there is too much focus on him and what he "Said" promises mean nothing without actions....
Take your own action and work on yourself to get to a happy place...those choices he makes to drink are his choices and he will do them if you bring up his drinking or not- make your choice to worry about YOU!
Why can't I move on
You can move on.....you just may not be ready to yet-when you have had enough of feeling this way you will decide when it is right for you to move on and that will be your choice! A good choice!
so sorry you are going through so much pain....Try to be more gentle with yourself-
There is no reason for you to feel guilty..
Have you tried to go to a meeting? Worth a try.....and or a counselor someone who is or will be easier to talk too...kind of like us @ SR!
Most of us have seen both sides of our A's and yes the part we usually fall in love with is the "Good side" it is what they show to us to hook us in....(most of the time the ones who are not sober in the start that is)....it is the behavior that they begin to show over time that becomes unacceptable for us to live our lives.
If you are feeling down, depressed and confused.......it is because there is too much focus on him and what he "Said" promises mean nothing without actions....
Take your own action and work on yourself to get to a happy place...those choices he makes to drink are his choices and he will do them if you bring up his drinking or not- make your choice to worry about YOU!
Why can't I move on
You can move on.....you just may not be ready to yet-when you have had enough of feeling this way you will decide when it is right for you to move on and that will be your choice! A good choice!
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
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Ohhhhhhhh,,,(((((cdk1972))))) your post soooooooo brought me back.
The one thing that helped me was realizing, even though I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of life with an A, I was even MORE fearful of life without him. After all, in the begining of my attempt to change it, it was all I knew.
The sympotms of the disease of codependancy still in the forefront of my day to day.
It was evident I either needed to work on myself, or go back to the hopelessness of my disease.
Not much choice there as far as I could see,,,,
Besides, sitting on the pity pot, what are you doing for YOU?!?!
Oh, was that too blunt?!?!?!he,he,he
Peace
The one thing that helped me was realizing, even though I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of life with an A, I was even MORE fearful of life without him. After all, in the begining of my attempt to change it, it was all I knew.
The sympotms of the disease of codependancy still in the forefront of my day to day.
It was evident I either needed to work on myself, or go back to the hopelessness of my disease.
Not much choice there as far as I could see,,,,
Besides, sitting on the pity pot, what are you doing for YOU?!?!
Oh, was that too blunt?!?!?!he,he,he
Peace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
Blunt is good-i am not offended at all 
I guess i know i need to work on me, but every time i try to focus on what i want, and what i need, i come back to him right now. i guess bc he was what i wanted for so long. I am really trying to learn to like myself, and learn to figure out reasons WHY i deserve better...but i'm in such a funk its hard. i hate it. i hate the place i'm in. I hate that he has this hold on me. i hate that i gave him so much and he's probably in lala land right now not thinking a thing about me. i don't know HOW to refigure my thinking and focus on things to make me happy-i really don't know if i've ever done that my whole life?
I guess i know i need to work on me, but every time i try to focus on what i want, and what i need, i come back to him right now. i guess bc he was what i wanted for so long. I am really trying to learn to like myself, and learn to figure out reasons WHY i deserve better...but i'm in such a funk its hard. i hate it. i hate the place i'm in. I hate that he has this hold on me. i hate that i gave him so much and he's probably in lala land right now not thinking a thing about me. i don't know HOW to refigure my thinking and focus on things to make me happy-i really don't know if i've ever done that my whole life?
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
I guess im in the same postiton as you are right now and i know for sure im not ready to give up on my b/f. We have been together for 7yrs and i can honestly say 3yrs were truely happy until his depression kicked in and its been up and down since but i could deal with that. Then about 18months ago weekend binges that just resulted in a laugh and a hangover the next morning became proggressively anger led situations due to panic and anxiety attacks.
The treatment i get when hes drunk is verbal abuse and threats of self harm. When he is sober he feels guilty and tells me me knows what he is doing is wrong but doesnt know how to stop.
Hes been going to our local alcohol service for help and it does work but when he feels troubled sometimes it gets too much and he drinks again.
For this reason,knowing that hes aware of his problem and i know he really does love me i cant walk away right now, im here when he needs me. Whether its doing me any good is another thing but i guess i have to deal with it.
The treatment i get when hes drunk is verbal abuse and threats of self harm. When he is sober he feels guilty and tells me me knows what he is doing is wrong but doesnt know how to stop.
Hes been going to our local alcohol service for help and it does work but when he feels troubled sometimes it gets too much and he drinks again.
For this reason,knowing that hes aware of his problem and i know he really does love me i cant walk away right now, im here when he needs me. Whether its doing me any good is another thing but i guess i have to deal with it.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi cdk,
What works for me when I'm stuck is to 'act as if' I'm not so sad, angry, frustrated...etc....even if I have to force myself to do just one good thing for myself.
After awhile it becomes more natural and from my experience has become like a reflexive coping skill. Taking small but certain action always brings me a better result. A little bit of recovery goes a long way.
My son was once missing for almost two months. It was a literal nightmare for me, but I got through it by going to meetings, talking with others in recovery and by coming here to SR.
It's good that you went shopping and maybe you can find some other things to do that will help you refocus from 'him' to yourself.
There is a slogan in the rooms of 12 step recovery that I like alot:
Progress Not Perfection.
What works for me when I'm stuck is to 'act as if' I'm not so sad, angry, frustrated...etc....even if I have to force myself to do just one good thing for myself.
After awhile it becomes more natural and from my experience has become like a reflexive coping skill. Taking small but certain action always brings me a better result. A little bit of recovery goes a long way.
My son was once missing for almost two months. It was a literal nightmare for me, but I got through it by going to meetings, talking with others in recovery and by coming here to SR.
It's good that you went shopping and maybe you can find some other things to do that will help you refocus from 'him' to yourself.
There is a slogan in the rooms of 12 step recovery that I like alot:
Progress Not Perfection.
Unconditional love
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Mi
Posts: 84
The drink is their number one priority in life. You are not. Sorry but thats just the way it is. Do you really want to live your life being #2? I don't think so. I did it for 27 yrs and it gets worse with the years. Be glad you have a new beginning!
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Ahhhh,,the old ladder thing,,,,
Like a little kid climbing a ladder. The 'stages" of recovery, denial, sadness, anger, acceptance. Thinking the rungs in these ladders is an even upward progression. I have found, a lot of these rungs are revisited, mistepped and sometimes an all out fall.
Your in "mourning" sweetie,,and well you should be, your expereincing a loss, of your hopes and dreams.
Not yet ready to replace them with new ones
LET YOURSELF FEEL
Don't confuse it with letting him rent space in your head however. Try the ten minute rule. Its what helped me in my infancy of recovery
When I began to think about him, slip onto that pity pot, I would FORCE myself to get up and do something to distract. If only for 10 minutes. Clean the bathroom. Finish that memo I was writing. Go for a run. Hell, I even went to the "dreaded" (grocery store) LOL. Yes, it was a conscious effort and sometimes took all the strength I had, but I found, when giving myself that 10 minutes, with the permission to sit on the pot if I choose to afterwards, I slowly relearned how to live my life without him.
Today, I hardly EVER get on the pot anymore. But it took time and retraining.
Coming here, posting and sharing the love on these boards is a good way to spend those ten minutes.
See? Your already doing it,,without even knowing it
Peace
Like a little kid climbing a ladder. The 'stages" of recovery, denial, sadness, anger, acceptance. Thinking the rungs in these ladders is an even upward progression. I have found, a lot of these rungs are revisited, mistepped and sometimes an all out fall.
Your in "mourning" sweetie,,and well you should be, your expereincing a loss, of your hopes and dreams.
Not yet ready to replace them with new ones
LET YOURSELF FEEL
Don't confuse it with letting him rent space in your head however. Try the ten minute rule. Its what helped me in my infancy of recovery
When I began to think about him, slip onto that pity pot, I would FORCE myself to get up and do something to distract. If only for 10 minutes. Clean the bathroom. Finish that memo I was writing. Go for a run. Hell, I even went to the "dreaded" (grocery store) LOL. Yes, it was a conscious effort and sometimes took all the strength I had, but I found, when giving myself that 10 minutes, with the permission to sit on the pot if I choose to afterwards, I slowly relearned how to live my life without him.
Today, I hardly EVER get on the pot anymore. But it took time and retraining.
Coming here, posting and sharing the love on these boards is a good way to spend those ten minutes.
See? Your already doing it,,without even knowing it
Peace
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
loads of great things to try above that I think I might have a go at.
One of my greatest challenges is not to be too hard on myself. I'm willing to bet you have moved on - you might not be over the whole experience, but I bet you're not exactly where you were when you first started reaching out?
even if its "just" a case of knowing that you want to move on, spending time focussing on how you want to be in the future rather than how you want someone else to be right now.
I know for me changing things about myself takes time, changing the way I feel takes longest of all for me.
What also helps me is thinking back to other realtionships that have ended, both ones where I have been the instigator, and ones where I wasn't. I felt horrible, but not for ever, I don't even remember doing anything special to get over them - but I can think back to those relationships and their ending now (when I choose to) without panic or anxiety or pain, some with a sort of fondness, others with incredulity (what was I thinking? LOL). For me this lets me know that whatever happens - I will be fine. Sometimes you do need just to keep on going and pain fades with distance from the "now" of it.
I sometimes wish I had a magic wand, or could just sleep until the pain was over - but it doesn't seem to work like that, I need to process feelings, in order to lessen their hold over me. And it doesn't always seem like smooth onwards progress - but over-all - I think it is.
unfortunately I can't seem to force myself to be emotionally different - I feel what I feel, and it takes the time that it takes, and sometimes it takes a darn good wallow and cry and rant to get it out!!
love xxx
One of my greatest challenges is not to be too hard on myself. I'm willing to bet you have moved on - you might not be over the whole experience, but I bet you're not exactly where you were when you first started reaching out?
even if its "just" a case of knowing that you want to move on, spending time focussing on how you want to be in the future rather than how you want someone else to be right now.
I know for me changing things about myself takes time, changing the way I feel takes longest of all for me.
What also helps me is thinking back to other realtionships that have ended, both ones where I have been the instigator, and ones where I wasn't. I felt horrible, but not for ever, I don't even remember doing anything special to get over them - but I can think back to those relationships and their ending now (when I choose to) without panic or anxiety or pain, some with a sort of fondness, others with incredulity (what was I thinking? LOL). For me this lets me know that whatever happens - I will be fine. Sometimes you do need just to keep on going and pain fades with distance from the "now" of it.
I sometimes wish I had a magic wand, or could just sleep until the pain was over - but it doesn't seem to work like that, I need to process feelings, in order to lessen their hold over me. And it doesn't always seem like smooth onwards progress - but over-all - I think it is.
unfortunately I can't seem to force myself to be emotionally different - I feel what I feel, and it takes the time that it takes, and sometimes it takes a darn good wallow and cry and rant to get it out!!
love xxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
Thank you so much. I really appreciate that response-all of the responses.I know it will take time. I just hate it right now. I can't get my head up. Nothing i seem to do lifts the weight of dread and sorrow from me...i just feel....heavy.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Originally Posted by cdk1972 
yet the instance i bring up being worried about his drinking, he is OUTTA THERE.
Oh my friend i know exactly how you feel. You know my story as we are a mirror image of each other. Like mine, the above probably means your abf is in denial and only he can change that. You did nothing wrong, remember the 3 C's
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Don't feel guilty, for what, you didn't do anything but voice a concern. Don't be so hard on yourself. TIME is what people and friends have told me. Only time will make things better. You can't turn off your emotions like a light switch (would be nice) but go through the motions. You will get through this one day at a time
Al Anon has saved me too! xxx
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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CDK,
I'm so sorry. This is the hardest part of all, and while I'm sorry you're smack in the middle of it I also know that there is NO way to get free without passing through this gauntlet. Many people turn around and go crawling back into horrible situations at this point, and I'm proud of you for not doing that.
What helped me was to get a good counselor to talk to. It gives relief -- on a physical, deep level -- to have someone live and in person that you can just SPILL to, all the hurt, the fear, the need, the hope, the sadness. To sit with a box of kleenex on your lap and just let all of that poisonous pain flow out of you.
And a by product of that was this: You are thinking about your ex because he filled he need in your life. He fit like a puzzle piece into your own view of a good, happy, safe, fun life...somewhere. He made you feel safe, or he made you feel attractive, or he made you feel needed....something.
What I didn't realize is that, if you find another way to fill the need(s) he filled, the desire for HIM diminishes a lot. I had to slowly drag myself up and find other people who needed me, who made me laugh, who made me feel beautiful. I had to fill the hole he left in my social life, find other people to have deep conversations with, people I admired. It took some time, and it was a little forced at first, like forcing yourself to go to the dentist for a toothache. Then...well...he wasn't a one-man show any more. I came to see that HE wasn't essential -- but filling the need in my life WAS essential.
Not sure if any of that applies to you but I wanted to post it on the off-chance it might help sometime.
Hugs and strength to you to get through this tough patch. It may not seem like it right now, but if you can survive this period, it does truly get easier and easier with time.
Love,
GL
I'm so sorry. This is the hardest part of all, and while I'm sorry you're smack in the middle of it I also know that there is NO way to get free without passing through this gauntlet. Many people turn around and go crawling back into horrible situations at this point, and I'm proud of you for not doing that.
What helped me was to get a good counselor to talk to. It gives relief -- on a physical, deep level -- to have someone live and in person that you can just SPILL to, all the hurt, the fear, the need, the hope, the sadness. To sit with a box of kleenex on your lap and just let all of that poisonous pain flow out of you.
And a by product of that was this: You are thinking about your ex because he filled he need in your life. He fit like a puzzle piece into your own view of a good, happy, safe, fun life...somewhere. He made you feel safe, or he made you feel attractive, or he made you feel needed....something.
What I didn't realize is that, if you find another way to fill the need(s) he filled, the desire for HIM diminishes a lot. I had to slowly drag myself up and find other people who needed me, who made me laugh, who made me feel beautiful. I had to fill the hole he left in my social life, find other people to have deep conversations with, people I admired. It took some time, and it was a little forced at first, like forcing yourself to go to the dentist for a toothache. Then...well...he wasn't a one-man show any more. I came to see that HE wasn't essential -- but filling the need in my life WAS essential.
Not sure if any of that applies to you but I wanted to post it on the off-chance it might help sometime.
Hugs and strength to you to get through this tough patch. It may not seem like it right now, but if you can survive this period, it does truly get easier and easier with time.
Love,
GL
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by GiveLove
What I didn't realize is that, if you find another way to fill the need(s) he filled, the desire for HIM diminishes a lot. I had to slowly drag myself up and find other people who needed me, who made me laugh, who made me feel beautiful.
don't get me wrong, i have days where i cry and cry, but on the whole, i'm doing so much better than i was right after the break up (even months after!)... and all i can say is that it takes time. posting and reading here and taking the focus off of my situation and trying to help others also put things into perspective for me. have you thought about volunteering at a local hospital or something similar?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
CDK, I am SO much in the same boat as you. I know my newly XABF is a disaster. He hasn't been sober in three decades, I don't think. But anyway, three weeks ago I was on vacation with him, and he was verbally abusive and it was a constant pub crawl. Now he's back with his XGF enabler and on one hand I'm relieved because I'm FREE, but on the other hand, I cannot believe he just up and walked away. Just left as though I was nothing. Well guess what? As long as I was willing to put up with his BS, I was a "useful idiot." Now that I put my foot down, I am nothing. I don't want to be nothing to a man, I want to be everything. We deserve so much better! Hang in there! I'm in the same boat as you, but we've got to do something different! It may hurt now, but I've got to have peace in my life.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
you've only had a week-- you can't instantly feel better or over any of this-- if you did, that would be weird and unhealthy. as nice as it would be to not feel wretched, sad, tormented, heartbroken-- no one likes it-- it is the first part of waking up- i'm in the same boat but a little further into it-- i've had more time to get over it than you- but i can still be snapped into sadness faster than i'd like- what's wrong with me, why did he just leave me, didn't i mean anything-- all of that. but the thing is, there is not choice but to get through it. so you will. YOU WILL! and i think things will be better for us than we could have imagined.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
I sure hope so. Unfortunately, for me, this has been a pattern in my life-not choosing very healthy relationships. Ignoring the red flags and so forth. I think what was said earlier, is my biggest problem-i can't get over the fact that i was just nothing to him. after a year, how could he just forget me like that? i don't get it.
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Originally Posted by cdk1972
I cannot get out of this funk. I have read the books. I have read the boards. I have been really, really trying to take care of myself and reflect on what i need.
((()))
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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Well, i have been keeping busy with school and coaching, and working out when i get done, and mentally, i'm trying to keep telling myself that i deserve better, this isn't what i want for the rest of my life...every time I negative self talk to myself - which is a bad, bad and constant habit, i redirect my thoughts, or try to. I don't know what else to start doing...i'm aware now of my negative actions, but what else can i start doing? That's my biggest question....how do i move on? I'm aware how co-dependent I am , but how do I go forward? Everytime i remind myself of all the negative thigns in that relationship, it keeps coming back to how much I miss it, and how much i dont' understand what just happened!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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I have not gone to al anon yet. And you're right...i know i need to. My excuse has been that after teaching and coaching, when am i going to find the time, but i know it has to be priority. I don't konw why i am so scared to go....
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