hope-faith

I'm feeling very frustrated. My ABF has been "sober" from alcohol since the end of June, when he voluntarily went into a 14-day rehab program. While I was elated that he took this step for himself, I am now feeling like I'm back at square one. From all that I've read from old threads, stickies and my meetings at Alanon, he's still a drunk. Just a dry one. He has not had anything to drink, yet he has not changed his life in any way (same drinking buddies, same bars, just now drinking O'Douls). He seems to be very strong in his determination to not drink, but he is not working any kind of program.

I was reading today a powerful post of Jon's entitled, "That's what addicts do":

"You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use... When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction....I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you....My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again. Stop being surprised. I am an addict. And that's what addicts do."

Jon's post has me very concerned -- if he's only committed to half of the equation (make a decision to stop drinking) but not the second half (follow it up with a plan of action), then is he still considered an active addict? Will he still manipulate, lie, cheat, steal because he hasn't learned how not to?

I made the promise to myself that I would leave this relationship immediately if the drinking didn't stop. But now I wonder if I made the wrong commitment to myself. If there is no plan for recovery, just the white knuckle sobriety, then can there even be a hope of a relationship? When I am with him, am I still dealing with the traits of an active addict?

Thanks for any help!

Astro

Do a search for threads on "dry drunk" and you'll probably get plenty of info.

Without a program of recovery (AA's 12 Steps, Al-Anon, and CoDA meetings for me) I'd be no different sober than being active. Take away the alcohol, the behavior and insanity remains unless it's addressed. It doesn't go away by itself. Speaking only for myself, the longer I white-knuckled and faked it, the crazier I became.

Barbara52

Only time will tell what he is going to do. Only you can determine and decide what you want to live with. The drinking has stopped. Good. But how about all the behaviors that have a negative effect on you? How are you dealing with your issues in this equation?

For me, my AH quitting drinking was no where near enough to change the fact that I left. My AH says he quit drinking the day I moved out. True? I can't be sure since I have very little contact with him. But he continues to say he doesn't need AA, doesn't need counselling of any sort, has done nothing to change his behaviors other than cutting off the alcohol, has done nothing to begin trying to repair his relationship with his daughters, hasn't gotten a job, etc. But that is all his problem. I left because the marriage was dead and I will not be going back. He's in denial about that too.

parentrecovers

does he still manipulate, lie, and steal?

i've seen my daughter leading up to relapse and in relapse - they days leading up are horrible...

atalose

He's fooling himself, he's sitting on a keg of O'Douls which could explode at any minute.

He did half the work by going through re-hab (that's the easy part) but it's the hard work he is not willing to face by following up with a plan and putting that plan into action.

I'd say it's a ticking time bomb and are you prepared for when it blows??

denny57

Many times the drinking is a symptom. Heck, probably most. Who you are seeing now may be who he is, drinking or not. Is that who you want? Take it from there.

nan07

This doesn't sound good. While I don't work a "program" either, my behavior has completely changed. I don't hang around in bars (what would be the point?), I had to turn a drinking friend away when she wanted to stay at my home for a week and I am certainly not drinking fake beers. I had to remove myself from any and all situations that might spur me to drink again. Since he really hasn't replaced his old behaviors with newer, healthier ones he probably won't make it.

appleblaster

Once you're an alcoholic/addict you will always be one. Now weather or not you are using is the difference but once the usage stops its not the end of the alcoholism/addiction. The behaviour and the use are tied in together. Once the abuse stops the behaviour has to be dealt with and that's why the program exists.

My exabf hasn't had a drink in months but his behaviour is so bad that I don't want to be around him. He thinks he's successfully beating alcoholism by quitting the drinking. But you know what??? When I don't attend al-anon meetings, read and participate on this board my codependent behaviour comes swinging back.

Thank you hope-faith. I really needed to read your post today. Again, that's the beauty of the program. Sometimes just reading a post can bring you out of a funk you don't know how you got into in the first place.

MsGolightly

like nan... my ex didn't follow AA either, give or take a few meetings throughout the year. she did completely get of old friends and triggers, and stayed completely sober for a year - and truly was an absolutely amazing person.

but, the second (literally) an old friend called her up and she began surrounding herself with others who drink, she began to drink constantly again... for the past 8 months, give or take a week here and there.

i think a program like AA is VITAL - or at the very least, a counselor who specializes in addiction. the bottom line is: if he isn't willing to change his friends or his surroundings in order to assure a successful recovery for him, chances are more than likely he will drink again.

and it's devastating to watch... and to not be able to do anything.

hope-faith

Thanks for all the replies. I guess I knew this when I posted, but hoped I might be wrong. I was hoping that, since he was new in recovery, that he needed more time to add to his program. DENIAL!!!

So what do I do now? Do I discuss this with him and tell him his "program" is unacceptable to me (boundaries or codie?). Do I run without saying why?

I had originally said to him when he entered rehab that I thought we should put our relationship on hold for a year while he focused on himself and got healthy. Is that what I should say?

Mr. Christian

Why must you say anything?
Will your talking change his way of thinking?
Do you hold that much power?

He has made his choice, either live with it or without it.

denny57

It might be what you want to do. What do you think?

hbb

Hi there, sorry your going through this. I know all too well and maybe i can shed some light since i've gone through the same situation.

My exabf was heavily drinking when we started dating back in October, I couldn't take it anymore and he agreed (without pushing) to attend AA starting the end of December. In the first few months he was good, not peppy by anymeans but ok to deal with BUT he attened meetings, got a sponsor and spoke at meetings BUT never changed his hangouts (bars, leigons), every friend is a drunk, and drank O'douls not to mention that friends would push drinking. He was a DRY DRUNK so bad, his behavior, attitude, manors, everything stunk and like you, i thought it was the process and he was just in the change.

No, no, no looking back i think this is who he really is and wants to drink so badly that he left me so he could have his best friend back (budweiser). Nothing i could have done, said, acted on. He never hit his rock bottom. We haven't spoken in 2 months and from what i've heard through the grapevine is "the bum is back". I hope my ex does find recovery but i would recommend that you take care of YOU because I DID NOT TAKE CARE OF ME and am now paying the very sad price.

Al Anon has been great, i would highly recommend it. But if you can save yourself now from ALOT of heartache....i would RUN RUN RUN.....and start thinking about you