Here i go again................
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Together almost 20 years - oh yes, I loved him with all my heart. Though I didn't put up with being spat on, I put up with plenty. Then with the help of Al-Anon, therapy and all manner of support, I got some self respect and decided I was worth much, much more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
Well just an update, my b/f has been sober for two days and is a complete shaking,scared wreck. Hes not too keen about leaving the house or even talking to anyone else but me right at the moment. Hes just too anxious and panicky.
Not quite sure what i should be doing right now.
Not quite sure what i should be doing right now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You may not be sure what you should do right now, but as so many people have already mentioned, Al-Anon would be a good place to start. It could be a great help in easing your confusion. Al-Anon does NOT advocate that any of its members leave their partners, it just helps people focus on themselves and their own sense of self-worth REGARDLESS of whether or not the A in their life gets sober.
If your dealing with someone who has gone 2 days without a drink and is shaking (perhaps sweating, naseous, vomiting as well), it sounds like he's exhibiting the symptoms of withdrawal. He'll either tough it out, or he'll pick up again in order to stop those symptoms.
So .... he's relying on you to pull him through this. Do you think it's reasonable to have other resources for yourself to help you through this too?
If your dealing with someone who has gone 2 days without a drink and is shaking (perhaps sweating, naseous, vomiting as well), it sounds like he's exhibiting the symptoms of withdrawal. He'll either tough it out, or he'll pick up again in order to stop those symptoms.
So .... he's relying on you to pull him through this. Do you think it's reasonable to have other resources for yourself to help you through this too?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
sam, I do know how you feel.
Its weird that now he is home, and you mention how HE feels and what HE is going through.
I want to address you. I want you to know how sorry I am that he spat at you. I know how degrading it is to allow someone to hurt you, and not be able to push them out.
There can be a real sense of not protecting yourself, betraying yourself, and violating yourself.But it just all goes by the wayside when he is in his pain. I know. My ExA has beat me, lied, cheated, and humiliated me. Some times he will act like it never happened. He gets sober for a few days, feels fine, still has me, and I am left with the hell of being alone with the knowledge that I did not remove myself from harms way, and somewhere inside me there is a child that cannot trust me when I do not protect her.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!
Its weird that now he is home, and you mention how HE feels and what HE is going through.
I want to address you. I want you to know how sorry I am that he spat at you. I know how degrading it is to allow someone to hurt you, and not be able to push them out.
There can be a real sense of not protecting yourself, betraying yourself, and violating yourself.But it just all goes by the wayside when he is in his pain. I know. My ExA has beat me, lied, cheated, and humiliated me. Some times he will act like it never happened. He gets sober for a few days, feels fine, still has me, and I am left with the hell of being alone with the knowledge that I did not remove myself from harms way, and somewhere inside me there is a child that cannot trust me when I do not protect her.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Alanon Alanon Alanon.
Oh yeah, AA for your friend there.
You know I have and all the others here have made the statement, “Oh but I love him/her so much”
Well Sam as you will see love is not enough.
“But I can not live with out him” Yeah , you will and life moves forward.
If that happens, you will be fine.
The proof that you are not happy is apparent with posting here in the 1st place.
Alanon is great way to look at yourself and find reasons for why you do the things you do.
Including putting up with what you do.
Life has many options. It’s what you do next that will guide the rest of yours.
Oh yeah, AA for your friend there.
You know I have and all the others here have made the statement, “Oh but I love him/her so much”
Well Sam as you will see love is not enough.
“But I can not live with out him” Yeah , you will and life moves forward.
If that happens, you will be fine.
The proof that you are not happy is apparent with posting here in the 1st place.
Alanon is great way to look at yourself and find reasons for why you do the things you do.
Including putting up with what you do.
Life has many options. It’s what you do next that will guide the rest of yours.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
It makes absoulte sense. But he has to be proactive, he has to show himself & you that life is imporant and recovering (even if he fails time after time) is important. Does he go to any meetings? Does he read material? Has he gotten a sponsor? Does he go to forums like this for help? I had finally had it when I realized his ups & down were becoming my ups & downs, and when I realized I was doing more research, more self motivating things than he was TO HELP HIM. He needed to do it himself. And even now after he's left for rehab - the feeling of not being needed is difficult to swallow. Take a look at yourself and ask why you're really staying. Is it love? Do you love your self to walk away for awhile? Maybe it'll be a wake up call for him...maybe it'll be a wake up call for YOU 
Originally Posted by sam79 
you may not understand but i dont think he is really a bad person or is it me just being dillusional?
he doesnt drink cos he enjoys it,just to hide all the pain he is in. HE told me that.
i know what he does it soooooooooo wrong but how do you stop loving someone who is supposed to be 'the one' for you?? we always felt that way about eachother but the depression and now drink has got in the way.
am i supposed to be a heartless cow and turn my back on him?? cos thats how id feel..........GUILT! not for what hes doing but for what id NOT be doing.
i dont know if this makes sense to anyone,im just so confused,hurt and frustrated by all this and i want it to stop
he doesnt drink cos he enjoys it,just to hide all the pain he is in. HE told me that.
i know what he does it soooooooooo wrong but how do you stop loving someone who is supposed to be 'the one' for you?? we always felt that way about eachother but the depression and now drink has got in the way.
am i supposed to be a heartless cow and turn my back on him?? cos thats how id feel..........GUILT! not for what hes doing but for what id NOT be doing.
i dont know if this makes sense to anyone,im just so confused,hurt and frustrated by all this and i want it to stop
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
It's so hard to make a choice...I'm 28F- the same...my abf in rehab this week. Like all of the wives on here...I wonder why did you not leave when it first started. I understand love was not enough - still is not enough. But I wonder to myself...what if...and I have to know that for some(maybe small %) it does work out...it does get better. If at the end of my life I wonder what would matter most? Giving all I could for someone I love...being there through their pain. Or leaving and having some fulfilling career w/ someone I loved much less than my bf now, always wondering...what if. I just don't know. I still am scared right now as he is in rehab, how will i handle it when he gets back. He's gained all this help and may have a short term new outlook on life. And once again I carry the guilt, the guilt that I may say something to upset him, I may hold on to something that happened 3 weeks ago and bring it up AGAIN, I will hold on to the pain, the humiliation, the hurt, the tears...and then I feel guilty for feeling so selfish b/c I should be happy for him.period.
I went to my first al-anon meeting last night. It was nice. It was nice to speak my thoughts out loud instead of roaming around in my head driving me nuts
I went to my first al-anon meeting last night. It was nice. It was nice to speak my thoughts out loud instead of roaming around in my head driving me nuts
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Hi Sam so so glad you found here. This is the first step in YOUR recovery, allow your ab to make his mistakes, think of it like this the more he messes his life up the quicker he'll find his pit and mabye just mabye he'll decide to do something for himself and seek help from AA it has to be his choice. It's a hard thing to do but you have nothing to loose, I have been where you are and have done the same as you, ive worried for him, lied for him, lost my friends, confidence and more than anything i lost myself.
I read about the disease of alcholism "under the influence" it really helps. i bought it for him but he never read it (no suprise). And Codependant no More, will help you to help yourself.
This has nothing to do with love, i still love my alcholic and always will but he was wrecking my life. Read as many posts as you can and you will see a pattern that all alcoholics have and how bad they get. more important read about the men/women who have learnt to detach these people have the same problem as you, read and learn .
Take care of you Sam your worth much more than you think.
Mair xx
I read about the disease of alcholism "under the influence" it really helps. i bought it for him but he never read it (no suprise). And Codependant no More, will help you to help yourself.
This has nothing to do with love, i still love my alcholic and always will but he was wrecking my life. Read as many posts as you can and you will see a pattern that all alcoholics have and how bad they get. more important read about the men/women who have learnt to detach these people have the same problem as you, read and learn .
Take care of you Sam your worth much more than you think.
Mair xx
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