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Old 08-29-2007, 08:27 AM
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mec
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question

Hello everyone.. I am back and I just want to know what to do? I and my A had a long talk last night about family and he said that his mother doesn't like me cause she feels that I help him drink... before I came into his life he was doing great... in treatment and not drinking... A job... and everything was going good for him... then he met me and we started to date... and then moved in together and then he went back to drinking and she dislikes me for that... that I should have never came into his life at that point...

Now he is trying to get his life back in order and do the right thing... but when he talks to his mom she rants and raves that I am no good for him... What do we do... not deal with her???
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Old 08-29-2007, 08:53 AM
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Sorry, I know how it is to be blamed for someone else's choices. Gosh, I used to blame myself for it too, and it sucks.

My ex's sister wanted me to break up with him because she felt if he stayed with me, he would get in trouble with the law. She implied that I was the reason he got arrested. Never mind that it was 'his actions' that led to his arrest. No, that was not the issue in her mind! And to think I use to trust and look up to her...YIKES!

You can certainly choose not to deal with her if you'd like, although it might be challenging at times. What he chooses to do is up to him.

Sounds like she's part of his problem, meaning, she doesn't hold him accountable for his actions. It's much easier to lay it on someone else. Unfortunately, you just happen to be the closest thing to him right now. In her eyes I guess that makes 'you' the target. But, if it wasn't you, then it would be someone else she would blame.

Stay strong....you know you're not the issue.
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Old 08-29-2007, 09:46 AM
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That blaming is a result of complete ignorance. I wouldn't waste my energy on being angry or trying to prove to her that you are not the cause of his drinking. Her son is destroying himself and she feels powerless, so she is doing the next best thing--misplacing her fears, worries, and frustrations on you. I don't believe that reasoning with her would make one bit of a difference. Depending on your relationship with your boyfriend, I'd either ignore the MIL or consider a different partner, because it does appear that he "sympathizing" with her viewpoint. Why wouldn't he? He is not deemed responsible for his own actions.
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Old 08-29-2007, 09:53 AM
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Is he still drinking?
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Old 08-29-2007, 10:31 AM
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If he was in treatment then he was drinking before you ever met him..... who was to blame then???? Her??? Did she ever put the responsibility back on him?? That's where it belongs. It doesn't matter who is in his life or what he is doing in the way of career or if the sky is purple one day.... it is ulitmately his choice to pick up and down that drink!!!!!

As it was said above, it is misplaced blame and anger for this disease. You and he know the trueth and it is up to him whether or not he is going to get help and stay sober or continue the downward spiral of alcoholism. The only thing you can do is support him if you wish too and suggest his mother go to alanon.
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Old 08-29-2007, 10:55 AM
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hey mec - your mom in law needs to go to alanon..
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Old 08-29-2007, 10:58 AM
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it's all part of the dance. you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. no more than she can.
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Old 08-29-2007, 12:23 PM
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Another one of my favorite reminders -

Just because someone says it doesn't make it true.

I like what Pony said about "who caused him to drink before you came in the picture?"

This is where I would try to say "I hate that you feel that way, but I don't agree with your perception of the situation."

It is his disease not yours!!
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