going nuts today.....

Old 08-28-2007, 11:36 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Somebeach, Somewhere
Posts: 15
going nuts today.....

I'm about at the end of my rope with AW. Haven't posted or visited in awhile, but....

We've now been seperated a year after I had her removed from our house under a kick out order (she was being crazy, crazy, crazy, and screaming, hitting, slapping me and the kids around, and drinking lots and lots before she left. She had slept for honestly 8 months straight all day just prior to that, after being fired from a very good job (she wouldn't do anything they asked her to do).

Since that time, I've come to realize that what I'm probably dealing with is a person that has severe mental problems that I can only now see so clearly. I knew she wasn't right for year while she was here and we were together .....we were married for 20 years....but I was so "caught up" in her day to day depression and drama and making me feel guilty and responsible for all her problems ("you don't appreciate me, you're neglectful, etc") that I could not see it back then.

I now am thouroughly convinced after much reading, that I am dealing with a very textbook advanced but undiagnosed case of Borderline Personality Disorder. Her being kicked out of the house exploded the abandonment fears going on in her head and made her start acting 5000% wackier.

Over the last several months now, she has gotten much worse. She has now been in 4 treatment centers this last year and she just goes through the motions and doesn't seem to "get" what they are saying. She's still in denial ("I was a good wife and a perfect mom and the only reason I drink is because of you and the kids not appreciating me"). She is very isolated from me, the kids and life long friends and close family right now. Most communications are short obtuse text messages and voice mails left on my cell phone. She acts weird (a restrained passive agressive friendliness usually followed a few days later by outright unbridled aggression, threats, etc. ) towards me and the kids about 95% of the time. But she can "straighten up" when talking to her counselors and parents, long enough to paint us as the bad people in this picture.

She often says "I'm entitled to be angry" when speaking about her present situation because "you kicked me out of MY house and MY kids life". There is NO consideration or realiztion for her responsiblity in that, whatsoever, even after a year.

She is still drinking like a fish. Until last week (when I helped her move AGAIN), she had been living in a cheap motel for 3 months, as she had sveral months earlier. So, absent a 4 month stint in an apartment, that now makes 8 months out of the last year that she's lived in a motel. She doesn't think this odd...... and says she "likes the people there she says (managers, etc.), they like me and take care of me. They think I'm cute and funny" (constantly "fishes" for compliments from others... very weak and unstable self image). She sounds like "Stuart" from the old Saturday Night Live at times.

To me, its the craziest thing in the world to live in a 200 SF room day after day and drink, have the "significant others" in your life be the desk clerks of a motel instead of your husband, kids, friends and family, all the while taking no responsibilty for such an odd lifestyle or the events that put her there and further making no earnest attempt to get back with the formerly important people in her life.

She gets her shorts wrinkled everytime we let her come back for a visit to the house which the court order provides for, after I reluctantly modified it ("I feel so unloved and unwelcome here"). When she has visited (which has been very infrequently) she walks in, starts an argument, gets pissed and says "I'm not going to be disrespected like this" (after maybe asking someone a question and not getting the fairy tail expected response), and she shortly leaves. We all look at each other and ask "what just happened". Its clear she has been drinking before most visits though.

So, now she sleeps and drinks and watches TV all day. Hasn't worked in 1 1/2 years! She's on probation for her DWI for another year approx. She's burning through "her" (read as "our") savings, whilst living this bizarre life style. Finally last week, she moved to apartment because she was being "stalked" at the motel. Me, kids, and friends and family have been trying for MONTHS to get her out of a motel. Anyways, I moved her last week, just to get her out of there. Turns out she got herself involved with a "guest" there (her stalker) and that situation prodded her to seek another place to live. He and her had a real weird (and it apprears drunk and "sex full") couple of days a few weeks ago. He was a nare-d-well construction guy who was passing through town staying there while working on a project in town. They met at the motel pool, went and had dinner and drinks a couple of days in a row, wound up in bed together (it seems.... though they deny when asked directly).

His girlfriend found out they were texting and calling each other repeatedly over a several day period and one thing lead to another, and AW wife winds up calling this guys's girl friend (after she looked at all the icoming and outgoing calls and texts) to say "nothing's going on" to the GF, at his request. They tried to pass it off that they were "business associates". Problem is, she wound up confessing that something did go on (for reasons I still don't understand, but apparently she was drunk when she made the call and was trying to hurt this woman and maybe thought she would have a longer term relationship with this new "friend" of two days). The guys' GF then calls me and tells me the whole story my AW told her and then breaks up with the guy. He then gets pissed and starts calling me saying "she ruined my realtionship" and pounds her with calls her saying "why did you rat on us". AW denies any of this happened and says that "nothing happened" and these people are just out to get her and she's scared.

Well, its now been 6 days since she moved to the latest apartment and her car is still at the motel parking lot several blocks down the street. This is a nice sports car I bought her last year as an anniversary gift in attempt to cheer her up and bring her out of her then current depression (which she proceeded to promptly wreck 5X in a year while drinking, the last time hitting phone pole and DWI at .23 level).

I filed divorce a year ago to get possesion of the house and control of the kids and part of the temporary orders are that neither of us are to enter eithers car without permission. But, I SOOOOOO want to go over there and pick that car up that she has so mistreated and now abandoned and bring it to my house to store because she's so freaking irresponsible,...... she can't even handle auto ownership right now. Car won't move because she has a deep lung device on it and she can't drive it while drinking (and she's drinking a lot right now) and further, the DLD runs the battery down if not driven every couple of days. She's been in this predicament 3-4 times and I've always helped her jump it, but I'm not this time.

So, if you were in my shoes, what would you do on this car deal and in general? My name is on title. I pay the insurance, per court order. I don't want to violate court orders, but I also don't want to see a $25,000 brand new convertible get broken into and vandalized because a drunk depressed AW doesn't have the sense or energy to pick it up from there and move it her new apt or another secure location. To make matters worse, the trunk is full of our important financial papers that she has been dragging around in an itenerent fashion for months.

For $5000 I guess I could file a motion and go to court to try and have car returned to my possesion based on her abandonment and inability to care for it. Then what? Well, I know then, that I'm in for a world class expensive and never ending high conflict divorce case. The AW will see this as "you took my house, took my kids, and now you're trying to take my last bastion of indepedence.... my car.... you are trying to control me" I sure wish I could just get past all aspects of this and move on. I'm afraid that even though she's done so many silly and hurtful things to me, the courts might believe her and I guess I still am having a very hard time saying screw it all, and doing whatever is necessary and pay whatever I need to, to get myself out of this situation.

I'm sure some day she do something so repulsive to me that I'll press forward on the divorce but I've been telling myself (after attending alanon and various family counseling) to "give it a year" before doing anything. She was such a good person many years ago. But now she's taken up smoking (which has freaked he kids out as she used to be so health concious), is still drinking alot, is burning through our investments, won't work, won't change, won't accept responsibility, won't even regularly attend the IOP she enrolled in (which her couselor told her is "not adequate at all" for what he percieved her treatment needs to be.... he thought 90 days min..... in patient residential) and to top it off has had three affairs in the last year to (I think) get even with me (and to satisfy her massive fear of abandonment).

What a mess huh? (meaning us both, and our situation).
outdoor1 is offline  
Old 08-28-2007, 11:44 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
You can't change, help or love her into recovery. If she is truly mentally ill you could take her to court to get legal guardianship over her and have her committed to a hospital. How old are your kids? They are your first priority now. Protect them and yourself. Finalize your divorce.
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Old 08-29-2007, 05:55 AM
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Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Wow... What a story....
I would get my name off the car title/loan in anyway I can, write it off as a loss. I would step back and let her hit her bottom and stop moving her or helping her in anyway. I would move forward with the divorce and do what ever I had to do to minimize all contact between her and the kids. Good luck.
Jazzman is offline  
Old 08-29-2007, 06:07 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
I am sooooo sorry for what you are going through! I think you should move on and not worry about what she will think or do. This not to be cold, but realistic. My AH has no reasoning capabilities. Nothing I say gets through right now. She is not going to hear anything you say in any meaningful way. So, take care of you, your kids, and if necessary your investments and money matters. Got to court and get the car. She is not going to take care of you or kids, only herself as that is all she can see right now (and she can't even do that while active A).

I understand the caretaking role you have going on...I am still doing it to a degree, but have learned that I cannot fix his problems or make him better...and you cannot do that for her either. My AH came close to losing everything before he would quit drinking (and he has really not done that either). For your sake and your children's sake, bring some peace to your lives and move on. Us codies are very loyal and helpful and want to help. You cannot help her anymore...that is a really hard concept for us codies to accept. Take care of you.....

No offense with my opinions.....wish you the best.
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