I've lost it
 

I've lost it I've gone MAD!! I have taken today to seeking revenge on my ex-rabf. How you might ask by posting a comment on a woman's blog underneath a comment my ex-rabf made saying Beware of Chris . I then sent him an apology for doing this. I did this all after he and I had made peace somewhat with eachother last week on Thurs. I don't like him I can just read him like a F'ing book. Part of it is in anger in the way he has treated me even since getting sober. I want him to pay and thats when the evil side of me comes out. I want to ruin any of his chances at happiness make him feel the pain. I wish him dead.

(((MTB))) sorry your hurting so bad. Just remember that living your own happy life is the best revenge. I wouldn't even bother with him because it's attention. Whether it be good or bad he's still getting it. Try to stay relaxed and do something fun for yourself :) i'm thinking of you.

MTB....

I understand the anger. Truly I do. Venting here is perhaps a safer way of dealing with it, no?

yes it is a safer way but I already had my slip for today which was posting the comment on the girls website underneath his comment with the beware of Chris. It prompted him to contact her about me. You know what is sick!! Is on her blog she has this lengthy information questaionare (you know the kind you find on myspace) which she filled out so its basically a bunch of questions like if you had the money where would you move to? or Who is your favorite actress? Stuff like that. Well Chris copied the questionaire and put it on his blog...the sick part is some of the answers he put were the exact same as hers...and the thing is I know him pretty well and I know that those are not his real answers he just put the same thing as her to make himself look like they had things in common!! He has always been a feet and toe guy but he goes and puts that his favorite body part is hands and that if he could move he would move to Canda....Gimme a break if that isn't the biggest load of manipulation right there!! What he is doing is the exact same way he hooked me when I first ever started communicating with him back in 2001. Man he said things to make it look like he was into the same things as me and that we had all these things in common. I'm going to have to pray a lot for this woman I hope only good things come to her and that she doesn't get hurt or manipulated by him.

I should also add she has removed my comment regarding beware of Chris. He has already spoken to her. I know it was bad of me to have made the comment. Time in prayer with God is what I need. God knows the truth.

Okay so here is the comment I left on his page in response to his post

It is how you have treated me since you have gotten sober.


Some days I think I have the resentment kicked in the butt but it rears its ugly head. I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry my resntments rear there ugly head. What is it that you wish me to do.

Then here is what he wrote in the comments as a response.... Please do share your opinions here.

I'm certainly not perfect, and I do sincerely wish some things weren't so broken still.

But, this is exactly why distance is most appropriate. I seem to be the only one who continues to always be at fault. I know that's not true, and so when that's all that ever gets thrown in my face, the best thing for me to do is to let it go and walk away from it. It's clear that nothing I say or do will help you, and continuing this cycle only compromises my own recovery efforts in the end.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again - I am truly sorry for the pain and hurt I've caused you in the past. I'm sorry for betraying, abusing, and manipulating your love and trust when I was in my active alcoholism. All those things were selfish, and I would never pretend to blame them all on the booze. I am still (and always will be) capable of all those things with or without booze; I can only be a better and stronger person by always working a strong recovery program and fostering my spirituality. When there are threats to my sobriety, I must remove or avoid them. Some things simply cannot be repaired by me alone, and I will not be guilted into accepting complete culpability for the state of those things.

I just now noticed your second comment - I'm not asking you do anything. That's not my place. I do my best to be willingly accountable for all of those things I did that you are resentful about. That's all I can ever do.

So just why do you go to that blog (or any others) if you know there's a good chance you see something to tick you off? Wouldn't it be better for your well being to just ignore it all? What does it really matter what is said, whether its true or not?

It shouldn't I know that and thats something I'm working on. I want justice. My Dad said it quite nicely today in that if I want Justice well then I need to get into church and or start really praying to God for Justice and then leave it up to God to bring it and not go around trying to bring about justice from my own actions.

Listen to your Dad. Sounds like he's giving you good advice.

Sometimes I wish we could step outside ourselves to see the clarity of our actions as others see them,,,;)

I'm a native. We go on "warpaths". Throw in a full moon, and its on!!!! LOL. Most times, I could control my need for him to SEE what he did to me, but sometimes I just wanted to ring his red little neck!!! No matter how much he "apoligzied" it wasn't enough,,,

Till I realized, it was MYSELF that needed forgiveness

What a freakin DOPE I was

Hey wait,,,thats not working either!!! he,he,he Beating myself up was only giving me more bruises.

I'm not very patient when it comes to others not seeing my way. Ummmmmm,,here's a new concept. Maybe I have to ACCEPT I'm NEVER gonna get the satisfaction externally, it has to come from within,,,

The other half of me is hippie,,,

PEACE and Serenity,,,

MTB,,,can you find some of that in your core? Maybe you'd be surprised if you look.

Oh, ya, the "spirits" help me with that,,,:)

Peace

Oh boy, that's one I need to take heed of. Yep, I've 'volunteered' for quite a few. Nicely put. Things always got far worse once I was in them and knee deep in muck, but there were always some red flags at the beginning that I ignored because 'love would conquer all'.