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Need help-things are too weird

Old 08-28-2007, 09:29 AM
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Keepingmyjoy
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Question Need help-things are too weird

Hi all. Things are really weird around my house right now. AH says he quit drinking. Funny thing is, he has a new obsession with brushing his teeth! His drink of choice is beer. But, we had a bottle of rum 2/3rds gone and bottle of bourbon that neither of us likes to drink, but bought to make a bourbon cake at Christmas last year still in the house when he quit. I decided after reading here not to dump them and not think about it and work on myself. The rum is just about gone and the bourbon, which was almost full is now at 1/4 bottle left! And, when I pick him up from work, when he talks, he talks facing out the window. I think he walks to the store and gets beer on his lunch. I can tell when he has drank and when he has not.

So here is my dilema: Do I confront him about it? He will probably deny it. Should I dump the alcohol left in the house and just not say anything? We are doing the "pretend everything is fine" dance right now. I am going along with it so that during this peaceful time I can build myself up and get stronger and try to set money aside etc. But, living like this is so weird. We are like roommates...talk only about superficial stuff. Every so often, he throws out a sarcastic comment or two and I know he has been drinking that day. Otherwise, things are rather mellow. Oh, and I should also mention that his new thing is to take the little guy to the park. The other day, they get home and little guy shows me his new whistle. He is so excited and says "Daddy got it for me at the beer store"! So, what, now he has to take little guy to go for a walk as an excuse to get beer? He was not drunk whatsoever, but really! He must be that desperate to hide the drinking from me.

Have any of you guys been through this part? I feel like I am just sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop! Even so, I keep going on with my activities...it's not like I am not busy! I work 40 hrs a week, have a side business and a 3 yr old! Not to mention 21 yr old daughter. But every time I look at him, I feel so hurt and angry. I want to scream at him: How can you sit around this house and do stuff keeping yourself busy like nothing ever happened! We have not discussed his drinking at all since I told him that he will lose everything if he does not stop as I will leave etc.

I feel like I am in some twilight zone! If you would, any of you, please share what you think and if you have been through this before, what should I expect next? Should I try to talk to him? Thanks.
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Old 08-28-2007, 09:38 AM
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What would you talk to him about?

For me, when I got to the "roommate" stage, I knew things had to change. I learned the only one I could change was me.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this - I remember it well and I was very unhappy then, though I didn't realize how much at the time.

((()))
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Old 08-28-2007, 09:38 AM
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Walks with little guy or drives with little guy?
A walk is safer but still he is teaching little guy some fine ways to act....NOT!
In my opinion...

I would ask, not accuse and explain what you feel is happening and then set a boundary... Do not use little guy like that.
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Old 08-28-2007, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy View Post
He must be that desperate to hide the drinking from me.
I would say so, because--

Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy View Post
I told him that he will lose everything if he does not stop as I will leave etc.
So, it seems the ball is in your court. You know he hasn't stopped, he thinks he has you fooled, so was that a boundary you intended to follow through with, or an idle threat? (BTW, idle threats tend to cause the kind of behavior you are describing.)

All this is said with compassion, for I have lived through the very same situation and did not follow through until one day I had enough. And someday you will reach that point, too.

L
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Old 08-28-2007, 09:46 AM
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Denny, I am just not sure if I should talk to him about the missing alcohol, getting counseling etc.

Best, he walks to park down the street. (He had 2 DWI's, has no license and does not drive). Good point.

The hard part is he will probably deny it all. The evidence could be right in his face and he would still deny it.
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Old 08-28-2007, 09:52 AM
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As LTD stated, the biggest threat has already been made - leaving if he doesn't stop. Discussing missing alcohol, getting counseling, etc. says that threat meant nothing and all future threats will mean nothing, too. I remember how I felt when I knew I had to take action to have the life I wanted. It's difficult, painful, with no guarantees. Each and every single person has to choose what life they want.

Good luck with whatever you decide and keep posting - it helps.
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Old 08-28-2007, 09:54 AM
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LaTeeDa, no idle threat. But, the threat was related to his behavior when drunk, so I guess I should refine the boundary as he may think as long as he is not "drunk" it is ok. But, as I type that, he must know he is crossing a boundary, or he would not work so hard to hide it, right? I just feel like screaming "Do you really think I am that stupid?!"

So many here have left their A's....I ask myself, like so many others, when is enough enough? Then I ask myself "Am I really this stupid?!" Maybe I am while I am in this FOG.
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Old 08-28-2007, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy View Post
Have any of you guys been through this part?
Hey, I'm hearing my story again, but in my case I was the instigator!

I didn't believe I was an alcoholic, but I thought I was functioning highly by being so ingenious and cunning. I kept Certs or gum in my truck all the time to freshen up on the way home after drinking at work, and then I made a beeline for the toothpaste when I got home. If the ex wanted to go out jogging after dinner I'd happily watch the kids and hit the liquor cabinet while she was gone. Upon her return I'd take the dogs for a walk, that gave me a chance to chew tobacco which I'd lied to her about quitting for years. Trips to the store with the kids were just excuses for me to buy more beer or vodka, I thought I was getting brownie points for babysitting and doing the shopping.

It's classic alcoholic behavior. I fed my ego by thinking I was getting away with lying and hiding things, and by being a good father and supportive husband. But my ex was like you, after years of my behavior I wasn't really hiding anything from her, she was getting sick of the lies, and the mental and verbal abuse.

You could try to talk to him, but my experience was that it only made me defensive and I dug myself in deeper with more lies. I didn't like the shame I felt from being caught, so I'd drink that away too.

It was a waste of her time to try to reason with me, so in the end she did something much more productive and focused on herself and our children.
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Old 08-28-2007, 10:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Astro View Post
I kept Certs or gum in my truck all the time to freshen up on the way home after drinking at work, and then I made a beeline for the toothpaste when I got home.
I can still cringe when I hear shares like this. Never, ever, ever, did it dawn on me that the crates of tic tacs, toothpaste and mouthwash I was buying were in any way related to AH secretly drinking. I truly believed he was irritable because I wasn't performing up to some agenda I didn't understand. I did think he was a little obsessed with his breath LOL. I remember how shocked I was the first time I heard someone share about this topic. More will be revealed, indeed.
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Old 08-28-2007, 10:54 AM
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Astro, my heartfelt thanks for your post. And you too denny. In my heart I feel like it would be a waste of time to try to talk to him. And what is funny, is that after reading your posts, it dawned on me....he asked me to buy mouthwash when I shopped last week, and yep, is usually chewing gum when he gets in the car!

A family member is suggesting that I at least try counseling with him. Astro, did that help your family (if you don't mind my asking)?
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Old 08-28-2007, 10:56 AM
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Ahhhhhh,,,keeping,,I remember this dance VERY well,,and from the sounds of it,,your almost ready to lead,,,

The "last" time my A went into rehab and then recovery (supposedly) we did this little waltz. He was in an aftercare program and drank after each session. I first would "confront" him, ie "have you been drinking? I can smell something?" LOL,,To actually see this in type is making me giggle,,,he,he,he,,,How much DENIAL was I in,,,

I then progressed to the "next" level". Pretending all was well. Your description of asking about how the meeting went, struck home. He would always say "fine" too. But when pressed for more information, he would tell me he just got done getting brain cramp and was "spent" and didn't want to talk about it anymore. After all, it was all about HIM and he was tired of it,,

Oh really,,you never tired of being SELFISH before!!!!

But still I persisted, determined to PROVE he was still drinking, even though I knew in my cute little codie heart, he never actually STOPPED!!!! It took one more incident where it was undeniable before I STUCK to my boundary and began the no contact "dance"

That's a whole NEW story!!!! One I'll spare you the details of at the moment,,

So, yes, sweetie,,I've been through it,,,,

Peace
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Old 08-28-2007, 11:20 AM
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Pretending all was well.

CEGirl...I pretended I wasn't pretending. How confusing is that? Major denial and constantly rationalizing his behaviour. Eventually, I started getting stomach aches when I was around him and it was harder to ignore those.

Keeping...you know he's drinking. The elephant has taken up permanent residence in the corner. Half-empty bottles are your proof. Put your boundaries in place and confront him. Do it for you!

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Old 08-28-2007, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy View Post
A family member is suggesting that I at least try counseling with him. Astro, did that help your family (if you don't mind my asking)?
My ex asked me repeatedly for counseling over our 11 years together. I thought I was too good for it. Again, to me that indicated a weakness. Being the ever-powerful alcoholic I wasn't about to submit to that, so I just kept promising her that my behavior would change. Naturally it never did.

I finally agreed to counseling when she asked for a divorce. We went to one session together, when we left I knew it was too late for her, she'd had enough. Too little, too late.

Probably no surprise that I'm fairly receptive to therapy and extremely active in recovery now, but it's sad to think about what I did to my family to get me to this point.
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Old 08-28-2007, 11:25 AM
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Thanks Lady, I don't have stomach aches, but my jaw is giving me fits right now. My friend says she thinks it is because I have so much I need to say and am not saying it that I am clenching my jaw in frustration. She is probably right. Picturing an elephant in the corner of the living room cracks me up...thanks for that. But, yeah, you are right. I think denial has to be the worst place to be! Can't I recover faster?????
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Old 08-28-2007, 11:32 AM
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(((Astro))) It sounds like you have come a long way and you have my total respect for all you have accomplished and for going even further to help others. Thanks for your sharing. I am afraid I am where you wife was at that point. But, I am willing to go even though I am walking in with my heart bleeding in my hands if it will help him, whether I stay or not. There used to be a really good person in there...I just hope he is still reachable.
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Old 08-28-2007, 12:14 PM
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but my jaw is giving me fits right now.

I trusted my gut....literally, LOL....trust your aching jaw. I think your friend is right. Wouldn't this be a psychosomatic symptom brought on by the stress you are feeling regarding the status quo around your house?

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Old 08-28-2007, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy View Post
In my heart I feel like it would be a waste of time to try to talk to him.
This is a part of recovery that I don't fully agree on. When we say hands off, I see it more as an emotional hands off. The progression of recovery in and of itself for a codie has stages that we go through and one of those stages is confronting wrongs that we don't like or want around us.
When my wrongs were pointed out...on the surface it may have looked like a waste of time for others to say this or that but even for a split second... what was said did have an impact...just wasn't always long lasting.

What had more of an impact was "how" things were said.
A mono tone, none emotional voice that said.. I don't like this but you can and will do as you please... Well the soft tone and lack of emotion shouted loud and clear to me.

OT OH! She really means it This Time.

As we learn more about our own recovery and dealing with others, we learn to pick our battles and what weapons(tools) work the best in the battle.
Soft tones. Emotionally removed (mono toned) voice shouts so loud.
I have been on both ends of such tool use and it sure does work over the long run.
Know this... once he finds recovery, he will remember each soft tone shared. Till he finds recovery...yes it may... look like...a waste of time.
Trust your instincts, pick your battles and use soft tones.
I truly feel what stage we are at in our recovery growth is a needed part of the whole proccess. Go with what your gutt tells you and use the tools that you have learned. You will do well.
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Old 08-28-2007, 05:21 PM
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[QUOTE=keepingmyjoy;1466296] I feel like I am just sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop! QUOTE]

Ugh been there done that and still doing it. Not a great place to be stuck in. My AH figures as long as he's not drunk and out of control he's covering the bases. Thing is, it never works for him. Without a good recovery program and the support from AA it will never work imo.

So pretty much that's how it's been for me whenever AH has tried to quit or "cuts back because he thinks he's out of control" He did white knuckle it for about 4 mos before but his friends and family missed the life of the party and started calling non-stop wondering what he was up to. He started lying and sneaking around about drinking again, and that went on for awhile, until he finally just started walking in the house with a case of beer again. He never said a word about it and neither did I. What can I say?

I've tried boundaries, we've had the AA talk etc etc I had even offered to go with him for the first time or two. The disease can't respect my boundaries and slaps me down every time. The ball always lands back in my court.. I'm at the point I stopped trying making boundaries between us or discussing how his drinking affects me. He already knows, and he knows its been destroying us.

Until he decides he wants sobriety and recovery in his life there's really no point in me giving that much attention to the relationship anymore. Maybe I'm wrong, but until I can enforce my boundaries there is no point throwing them out there.
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