suzieq1972

I wrote yesterday that I won't allow my AH to come because he has not chosen to get any help.

My question today is this: I'm thinking about asking him if he wants to have a picnic on Saturday with me and our son at a local park. Would that be cruel since I'm not letting him come home? I don't want to completely ignore him and our son doesn't get to see him that much because of soccer and football practice.

What does everyone think?

an'ka

Is it possible for him to take the son to the park instead? I would be very careful about sending mixed messages. Addicts are so eager, they grasp at straws, so he may feel that things are on the mend if you are willing to do the "family thing". And I am sure he will survive if you ignore him for a while, too. Give him some time to make some important decisions for himself.

LaTeeDa

Not only to the alcoholic, but the child(ren) as well. The more time I spent with husband and children together, even in innocent, platonic activities, the more hope they had that we would get back together. It's what children want more than anything when their parents split up.

L

jillybean

an'ka wrote:

"I would be very careful about sending mixed messages. Addicts are so eager, they grasp at straws, so he may feel that things are on the mend if you are willing to do the "family thing".

I would have to agree. If he never hits bottom, he will never have the incentive to get off the ground and nothing can change. You have laid out your boundaries and what you expect from him as acceptable. Only he can choose to comply or accept the consequences and loses that will resultif he doesn't.

Stay firm in your choices and focus on what your world. He has work to do to be part of it in a healthy way.

jillybean

Great point L!

Abf's children would go out of their way to act out knowing their Mom would summons him to a chew out session. In their minds the kids thought that if they kept the negative attention alive, their parents would re-evaluate the divorce thing for their sake and reconcile. His ex always threatened to lay a tell all about their "wonderful Dad" on them as a way to look better than him to the kids. (She is also an A who has never admitted her disease and done anything to deal with her own issues except to wallow in total victimhood about her life in general. The kids got a raw deal all around.)

It is hard to accept the changes when families can no longer exisit due to whatever the reason. IMO children are best served dealing with how to live the reality and heal whatever wounds as a result than trying to live in futile fantasy about what they wish could be.

They need those skills for life in general and as many of us can attest to, most A's never develope those skills and the damage done to all involved is deep and long lasting.

Jazzman

This is so true. Even if the family situation is obviously unhealthy for the children,(to an objective observer) they want Mommy and Daddy back together. Even if there's no addiction or abuse in the relationship.

The sober parent has more responsibility than just their own emotional health.

suzieq1972

Thank you everyone for your input. Our son (who is 14) does see AH sometimes at AH's dad's house.

Barbara52

I would arrange all meetings at someone else's house. Sort of unofficial supervised visitation. This can help allay any wories you have about you AH acting inappropriately or putting your son in danger.