Filtering out codie behavior is hard
 

My mother-in-law (MIL) is extremely controlling. My AH has been in denial for years, and still plays down her behavior. I've learned now that it's not my responsibility to force him to realize her behavior. But I don't think I should be forced to participate in a relationship with her any longer either. So I have cut off all communication with her. She came here to visit a month ago, and I literally did not speak to her. I stayed gone when she was here. When she and my family were gone, I was home. We're driving to visit her this weekend and we're staying in a hotel. The kids and AH are going to visit her, but sleep in the room with me. There's a reason for that. My MIL would love to carve me completely out of the picture. If AH and the kids went to visit alone, she would try to get them to come all the time. She has a long history of being the puppeteer. I'm not willing to give my kids up to her control. So perhaps that makes me controlling.

Anyway, she emailed my AH a list of things she believes she left here during her last visit. He asked if I had seen them. I told him I hadn't even been in the guest room since she left. He checked the room and found none of the things she listed. I said, "You know what will happen next, right?" He said, "Yeah, she's going to tell everyone you stole her stuff. And she's going to tell me that "that mean witch has turned you against me". And he said he'd make sure to tell her I didn't steal her stuff (won't matter). He closed by saying that he can't control her, and neither can I.

But he continues to ask me when I'm going to be willing to accept her into my life again and resume communications with her. I have yet to tell him the answer in my head is NEVER. He has told me I need to make ammends to her for not speaking to her. He confided in my father that I was being rude to his mother. He is really putting the pressure on me. Rather controlling as far as I see it. Am I being a total bitch? Why is it a big deal if I don't speak to her? She always twists what I say against me and tells everyone horrible stuff. I don't want to play anymore. He can't seem to see that. While I feel I'm doing what is right for me, he certainly doesn't seem to see it that way.

I believe that you have said ALOT in this statement! If you decide to resume communication with her for whatever reason it should be on your terms-meaning that I would keep it only to what needs to be discussed (if anything) and keep it at a "hello" and 'goodbye" level-

You need to do what is right for you and if that is considered being a "bitch" then so be it, in the end it is what matters to you-take the focus off what he/she thinks and do what you feel is right for you! END OF STORY!

:Val004:

Do what is right for you ! The MIL seems to have everyone else's undies in a bunch all the time.....good for you for not playing her game. I do not think you are a "witch". You are being graceful enough to let the kids still see her, whereas a lot of people wouldn't. Just let her be her miserable 'ole self.

Why is it that when we take care of ourselves and do not allow others to be a b**** to us, that we are called b****es? You are doing what you need to so that you and your kids are protected. Nothing wrong with that IMHO.

I would recommend "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. The book is tailor made for situations like this and she explains things so much better than I ever could.

((()))

L