What do I do?
 

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and I am beginning to wonder if he has a drinking problem.
After about six months of dating, I started to realize how often he drinks, and it is pretty much on a daily basis. I also started wondering if this was also causing his financial problems too. Sometimes he may only have 1 or 2 beers, but on other days, he can easily kill 1/2 a case to 1 case in a day. At first I choked it up to immaturity & irresponsibility, but now I am beginning to think it is more than that.
The last couple of times we have been in a social environment where there is drinking, he goes so overboard, which leads to disaster for us. He always ends up embarrassing me. By the end of the night, we are both in the middle of a big fight.
After our last fight, we had a talk about his drinking again and I brought up the idea of him cutting back on his drinking, and that it should be on occasion, and not everyday. It went well for about 2 weeks and another event came up and he drank. Once again, a huge fight broke out, but he stopped in the middle of the fight and started apologizing for being such a jerk & realized it was not fair for him to pick a fight with me for no reason. So once again I have forgiven him. But with the understanding that in order for this relationship to work, he had to quit drinking.
He has also been pulled twice for drinking and one of the times he got a DUI. So I feel like he is on a road to self-destruction. I do love him with all my heart, he is my best friend and I do not want to lose him over this. But I understand that my well being comes first. We have a great relationship other than this problem. But I am doing the right thing?

What are you doing? you mean by staying? no if you think he has a drinking problem then you'll have to be very strong and clear and state your limits and when he shapes up and gets help he can come back and see you.

Ngaire

Hello Akapps, and welcome! You're definitely in the right place! It's can be so hard to come to terms with the fact that a partner has a drinking problem, especially if they won't admit it themselves. It is obvious that his drinking is causing chaos in your lives, and therefore, it's a problem. You have to be very careful with ultimatums - if you make them and then don't back them up, you are left pretty well hanging in the wind. However, you CAN set boundaries, which are about you and what you will and will not accept in regards to his drinking and his behaviour. The fact that he is embarrassing you socially and that the two of you are getting into fights, as well as the DUI, indicates that he cannot control his drinking.

Anyway, Akapps, it's not all bad news! It seems like the most important thing for you to do at this time is to start thinking about what is best for YOU. The only life that you have control over is your own. You cannot control your boyfriend's life, or the amount that he drinks. He has to do that for himself. Look at the top of this forum and you will see a "sticky" titled "Al-Anon Power Posts" There is some great reading there to get you started. If you go the the top of the Nar-Anon forum, there are also Power Posts with links to other info as well.

So, kick your shoes off and make yourself at home. Hope you'll stay with us for a while, and keep posting!

Be careful!
 

akapps:

There are several things about your story that concern me. One thing is the amount of beer that he drinks (1/2 case to a case), and that you used the word "overboard" in describing his drinking when in an environment where drinking is "okay".

I used to think that my husband drinking a couple or three six packs a day was nothing to be concerned about. I thought that he "just liked beer". And, when we were in social situations where drinking was okay, he'd get way more plastered than other folks. I thought that was "bad judgement".

One day, I did a calculation of just how much alcohol is in three six packs of beer. It is pretty much equivalent to a bottle of 80 proof whiskey. If your boyfriend was sucking down a bottle of whiskey day, rather than cans of beer, would you be alarmed? I know that little piece of knowledge got my attention.

One trait that indicates a problem with alcohol is the inability to stop at one or two. It seems to be biological in nature.... if the social situation won't allow for drinking large amounts, they'll find a place to go to where they can drink more.

If you say that you have a "great relationship other than this problem", then you don't have a great relationship. That's somewhat like saying that a house with a hole in the roof only leaks when it rains........

Take care of yourself!

Hi! Your story is very similar to mine 20 years ago. Unfortunately, I guess I wasn't smart enough to seek out information until after we were married. The first thing that came to my mind while reading your post is the fact that you are looking for education and support.

Reading about the your situation in social settings, and the late night fights brought up a lot of memories for me.

My A husband was, and still is sometimes, my best friend and "soul mate." He swept me off my feet. Funny, charming, intelligent, life of the party......then it started to get ugly and alcohol made his life, and mine, unmanageable.

I jumped into Alanon early in our marriage and read everything about alcoholism that I could get my hands on. I purchased the first edition of Melody Beatties' "Co-Dependent No More" when it was first published and it's been with me for nearly 16 years.

I'm not an expert, but if I were in your situation, as I was 22 years ago, I would check into local Alanon groups for support and knowledge. Alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE illness. I can say that I believe I've become a more empathetic and sometimes stronger person for choosing to live with an alcoholic husband. Had I known then, what I know now......would I have made the same decisions??????.......I don't know.

Take care of yourself.....

Sarah