suemarie

Thank you to all of you. Your encouraging words and experiences help comfort me and give me some hope.

If for some chance he does come back what should I say to him? I do realize that I am being a codie and that is me, I still care about what happens to him but at the same time I hate the things he's done to me. If he wants to work things out what should I say?

I still am terribly confused. even though I feel like his love for me was a lie, but somewhere deep down I feel he really does love me and that the alcohol disease is whats taking over that... Boy I sure do need alanon.

Lady bluemiles mentioned about alanon, maybe the same things will happen to me but I understand that some meetings won't let you "cross talk" with each other during the meeting. How do you learn when all you do is listen to each story. I mean we all have stories but how do you learn to work the program this way?

Rella927 - Thanks so much for the hugs, I needed that and your words! Hugs back to you.

tryvia - thanks for the explaination! I get it!! lol

CE Girl - Your way too funny girl! But I am glad you can relate. Its so true what you say.

thank you thank you thank you all
suemarie

Lady BlueMiles

The meeting I've been going to doesn't "cross talk" either. It's a step meeting. But they encourage to come early and stay late and people talk tamongst themselves before and after. They also encourage to try other meetings/locations in different formats. We also have a phone list with members names on it we can call during the week. This location offers a newbie session for 6 weeks before entering into the main group. Each month they work on one step. Because the main group is on step 8, us newbies were told to concentrate on Steps one and two and we'll catch up with the group eventually. Also there is tons of literature to choose, read and meditate on. So far I've purchased the "Courage to Change" book.

My understanding is all the meetings everywhere follow the basic Alanon program some having different formats I guess. My next step is to try some other groups.

denny57

Over time, the no crosstalk policy makes perfect sense. I was told that at the beginning and trusted it was true.

Astro

Whether it's at an AA, CoDA, or Al-Anon meeting I learned by listening for the similarities, rather than the differences. I found so many people with stories just like my own, in sharing with those people I learned what helped them most in their recovery. This is why we seek out the people who "have what we want", for me it's the gentle, quieter folks who have the peace and serenity that I desire in my life.

The only reason I see that cross-talk is not encouraged is to allow everyone to share freely without interruption. Rarely do I leave a meeting without something helpful that someone shared, and there's always time before and after to talk with others.

suemarie

Okay, I understand. I will go back to the one meeting I attended because it is closer and a freind of mine suggested another one, so I will give it some more time at these.

Thanks very much to all of you. You are all so very helpful!!

Hugs to all of you and to those of you still working your program bless you for giving it your all. I wish my ex hubby was :- (

Suemarie

wraybear

SueMarie, i felt JUST like you did. I finally realized he is sick. He did truly love me and when he said it, he meant it. But becuase of his addiction he didn't know how to love himself, much less love me or our children. Addicts put their drug of choice first, that's what addicts do. I had people tell me "don't take it personally" and I couldn't believe they would say that to me! But now, looking back, it was oh so true. Don't take it personally. As you well know now, addicts are sick individuals.

You said "Since the divorce has been final last week I feel myself sliding more and more into a deep funk. I have to force myself to get out to do errands or to do dishes or anything" - I believe this is part of the grieving process. Divorce, especially divorcing someone you love, is like a death.

I also want to share something that someone on here told me a few years ago. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling. As codependents, and adult children of alcoholics, we have a hard time thinking our feelings are normal. I was never ever able to trust my feelings... always doubting myself. Always feeling guilty for feeling this way or that way. I have learned to allow myself to feel okay about whatever it is I am feeling. If I am feeling sad. CRY. If I am feeling mad, hit a pillow or YELL. If I am feeling depressed, embrace it and tell myself I have every right to feel depressed... I just divorced the man I love, for gosh sake! Give yourself a break. Give yourself time to heal.

Glad you did something to take care of yourself. I know it is hard leaving a loved one. I did the same thing after 15 years. I came to the realization that I could love him, but didn't have to live with him any longer. Yes, it was difficult. You made a move that many of us on here wish we would have made years ago. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!