CE Girl

You know HBB,,,when my husband of 23 years died, people were telling me 3 months into it, that I should be moving on,,,

What the HELL do THEY know?!?!?!

Did THEY lose their husband at the age of 39?!?!?!?

DUH?!>!>! I realized, I needed to LISTEN to those that had,,,

Nuff said,,,

Yup, wanting them to "hurt" as much as we do,,,

Cept for one thing HBB,,,,,their "hurt" is different

As "bad" as we codies have it, we still have a shot because our thinking/life is not altered by substance.

The pain an alcoholic/addict experiences is something we can't imagine. In this case, it takes one to know one.

And excuse me for being so blunt, but your setting yourself up for more pain, if you are focusing more on trying to "make" him feel for what he did to you. Ain't gonna happen, no way, no how,,,,,,,

I have to ask myself, when I try to "force" another to feel a certain way, WHY I am banging my head against the wall to make someone "see" something they simply are incapable of seeing. You know why? Cause it takes the attention off of me,,,he,he,he I don't have to look inside and figure out what REALLY is going on. What is the "trigger"?

What is my NEED!!!!!

~ do I need attention
~ am I feeling lonely
~ on the pity pot perhaps for thinking my life is in the crapper without him?

Whatever, dig into your core, make a list and start working GIRL!! On YOU!! The only one who can truly understand. Take that space he's surrently renting in your head, and turn it to YOU. Much better use of that pretty little head of yours,,,

Peace

nan07

Heather, here are some of the terms you've used to describe your ex...lying, cheating, hiding, yelling and selfish. With an ugly interior that his handsome exterior could not compensate for. Somebody who had to be in bed early to avoid drinking and you've described him as a loser. Now, I'm certain you had a few good moments in there somewhere, but it's difficult to imagine that what you had with this guy was really a "quality" relationship. Every moment you spend obsessing over him is a travesty.
I hope that you have asked your brother and other acquaintances to quit giving you information about him, seriously. Also, this might be a good time to consider taking a night class in an area that interests you. Are you interested at all in drawing or travel? You can meet a lot of great people in classes and it will get your mind off of this guy. Maybe you could compile a list and name all the reasons why it's a good thing you're no longer together. Maybe efforts like these will help to exorcise him from your thoughts.

hbb

CE Girl, Im so sorry for your loss, i had not idea. I have set myself up all along, unfortunately. I've created drama in my head. Not so much lately since my vacation because i think i was finally exhausted of that thinking. My counselor has been great, she keeps reminding me that no matter who he ends up with that he has years and years of needed help other than just the alcohol issue. I just guess i thought that if he and i worked together we could come out on the other side TOGETHER I guess a real red flag should have been when his mom thanked me for all i was doing because since the age of 16 he had only been sober for 6 months and getting him to AA was a huge deal for them. Guess i didn't/don't know how bad things actually are/were for him and his family.

I keep telling myself is the best thing i could do for the situation is walk away for good, make sure he pays the loan and not look back. There is a tinsy part of me that wonders if he'll straighten out but not so much anymore. I truly believe it is sad and loved him with all my heart and i do hope he gets help sooner than later.

parentrecovers

hey hbb, i don't recall - you going to alanon? glad you're getting some good support from your counselor. hugs out, k

LaTeeDa

Yeah, I thought that, too. That when two people love each other, there is nothing that can't be overcome. What a fairy tale. You know what I learned (after spending 20 years of my life trying to make the fairy tale come true)? LOVE is not enough. There is no "happily ever after." There is only today. You cannot manufacture a healthy, happy relationship with an unhealthy, unhappy person. Can't be done. I wasted so many todays trying to make tomorrow better. Tomorrow never came because when it got here it was today again. And again I wasted it trying to control the future. I had to stop trying to make him better. I had to stop trying to make us better. I had to work on making me better.

I've learned that today is all I really have. And if I keep stringing together enough happy todays, I can look back and say "hey, this life is pretty good."

L

nan07

Wow. After eight years together, I don't know what I would do if my partner passed away. I truly don't know how people get through the death of a spouse, CE Girl. I'm sorry for what you went through...

hbb

I know what your saying, my heart hasn't quite caught up to my brain. My brain wants NO part of him, it's my softspot that still loves him. I do keep busy, i go to the gym at night from work, i bowl once a week, i play trivia on wed. nights and Al Anon on Thurs. It's not a matter of keeping busy, i'm just sad WHILE i'm busy is the problem right now. That and the fact that we live in the same area which really stinks.

Parent...yup, i go to Al Anon once a week, they are a great group, thankfully.

CE Girl

Don't beat yourself up too bad HBB,,about thinking you were "good" for him,,,

They make sure we FEEL that,,

Its a BAFFALING< CUNNING disease this alcoholism.

And being good little codies, it FEEDS our addiction to being needed. My XA used to tell me all the time, how much I "taught" him and how he was having "epiphany's" regarding his core and who he was, and all the people around them told him how LUCKY he was to have me, as I was obviously GOOD for him,,QUACK<QUACK<QUACK,,,

It just fed my romancing. My need to "save". And yes, kept me "stuck" in the whirlpool or the codie/alkie dance.

For me, ACCEPTING I was where I needed to be in my disease, helped TONS!! That and the good people here on SR. I would "listen" to their advice, but not "process" it until I was good and darn ready!!! LOL. Like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer, "get it now?, how bout now?, HEY STUPID, did you get it now?!?!?, DUH,,,ya, I get it!!! he,he,he

Your still whacking yourself on the head,,,

But your not at the begining, the blows hit harder with the progress we make sweetie. Might I remind you of how pitiful you were when you first came to SR,,?

No offense, but we ALL were. Urghhhhhh,,when I go back and read some of my threads/posts from the begining, I can't BELIEVE that was me,,I've come so far, yet, still get that whack upside the head every once in a while,,,

do me a favor k? Go back and read some. The "good" with the "bad". The ones when you first left, and the anticipation of your vacation and how "free" you felt.

Hang in there girl,,,and STAY STRONG,,your doing fine,,,,

Peace

CE Girl

It was NOTHING compared to living with an A Nan

I know that is a tough statment, but the absolute TRUTH. My husband and A are POLAR opposite. Turns out, my husbands death was a "gift". He was a GREAT guy, who taught me to LIVE!!

My A, showed me death, a living breathing hell on earth,,,

Going back to the lessons my husbands death taught me, has HELPED me be strong enough to not ACCEPT the craziness in my life that my XA brought.

I once loved myself, and therefore WAS loved

The memory brought me to recovery.

it's ALL good,,,,

Peace

hbb

Thank you for sharing with me/us CE Girl. I just said that i was so much stronger a bit ago and it comes and goes in waves. For some reason yesterday really really hit me and i do go back at times and re-read and times are more happier these days as a whole than in the beginning. I know, take it's for what it's worth, he's a jerk, probably will always be a jerk and move on. I go up and down, sad then i flipped out because i was like who the he// does he think he is to up and go away with his ex and leave me wondering what the heck is going on. I need to keep remembering that when i get down and out. Remember the crap he pulled and doesn't deserve a 1/2 a second of my thoughts this is want i needed, all you guys to bring me back. I go to the dr. on thurs. for hopefully something to take off the edge.

Mair

((Heather)), it's been 8 weeks for me too, it's not a long time. i still cry and have bad days. I have contact with mine, which is ok i seem to be able to cope with it, he messes up still, which proves to me that ive done the right thing. Each Sunday he tells me he's going to sort himself out by thursday he's drinking like no tomorrow. I have no expectations of him any longer I know what he will do next before he does.

I no longer have the pain of missing him, and no longer have dreams of a happy ever ending, instead of wondering what he is doing, i can ring him and no exactly what he is doing and beleive me Heather he is wallowing in pity when sober and acting like a poo when drunk. I dont recomend having contact, i am using him to make me feel better, so im delaying the no contact till im ready, thats the way I deal with it, it works for ME.

It seems to me that the unknown is getting to you Heather as it did me, but in time it will get better for you and me.

Take care sweetie

Mair xxx

hbb

Thank you Mair, your exactly right, it's the not knowing, for all i know he could be misserable that he did this and on his couch daily after work drinking for all i know. But sometimes i guess not knowing might be a better thing. I HAVE to come to grips that he could be with her and who cares. If he is so be it, like my friend said, they will quickly find out why it didn't work for 8 years once they are in their drinking/drugging patterns again. I think for me, i have a HUGE trust issue now, with everyone. I have my guard up bigtime that everyone and anyone will screw me over at any chance they get. I find i'm quickly standing up for myself that i never really did before as so i don't get stomped on again and again.

I have to come to grips that i'm going to see him most mornings as he works in town and it's just how it is and he can feel like the heel as i didn't do anything wrong to feel guilty about. I know, let go let go let go let go....its so hard for me, i get so attached so easily and as much of a jerk as he is, i know that caring side of him but the crap outweighs the good, i'm going to get that tatoo'd on my forehead!!

Mair

And mabye the more that you see him the better!!!! You might look at him one day and think UGH he walks funny or he's got a big butt. Beep your horn and wave like mad, it will make you laugh if nothing else. I'll teach you some welsh verses if you ever bump into him, that will puzzle himXxxXXXx

Pass on the tatoo

Mair xx

hbb

haha, wish i was at your sense of humor Mair, not there yet! I can't wave, then he'll think everything's ok lol!!! I'll just keep going about my business and TRY to get better each day i keep saying to myself, hey anyone out there to meet couldn't have more issues than what i've dealt with and now i know the flags! Ugghh, up and downs really really stink......