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how do i give him the space, but not lose my mind

Old 08-26-2007, 08:34 AM
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Smile how do i give him the space, but not lose my mind

Me and my husband have became actively in AA, Alanon. I am having trouble with trying to let go of the control, Some of my life experiences when I was younger was very out of my control. And I turned to control and I tried to control my husbands drinking, by any means possible; guilt, anger, nagging(as I heard I nag very well)lol. Can I please ask of you; "How did you let go of that control of someone elses behaviour and life, and still be wanting your marriage to work out. I love him so much, We are less 1yr marriage but Ryan(lets call him) has been in my life for 20 yrs of a loving friendship. I can't imagine my life without him. How do i give him the space, but not loose my mind that I think he is drinking and I try to control the situation. and in the end of my mind boggling time, he was not drinking, just getting coffee.

Thank you for your wisdom.
Best Regards,

Red Bear
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Old 08-26-2007, 08:40 AM
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I'd attend as many meetings as possible. It isn't something that changes overnight. Really work the program - do you have a sponsor yet?
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Old 08-26-2007, 08:55 AM
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You don't give him space... You give yourself space.
Look over your own life and see what you can do for "you"

He will do what he will do no matter how much you nag or don't nag.

As for the nagging... share once to let him know your wishes. Share a second time because we both know that guys don't hear things the first time (drinking or not)
As you share...use soft tones because soft requires effort to hear and the focus of listening to soft will have us listen and hear more.
Sharing beyond a 3rd time starts to become nagging and a repeat of wasted effort on your part... he will do what he will do.
The more he works the program, the more he should learn about his own actions and his actions will settle your thoughts and feelings over time. If he doesn't work his program... boundaries help you control...your space.
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Old 08-26-2007, 04:53 PM
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Thank you for your wisdom and knowledge, how many people are out there right now that are still married to their A spouse, actively drinking or working the program. Can a mariage survive this desease?
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Old 08-26-2007, 06:58 PM
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Originally Posted by redbear View Post
Can a mariage survive this desease?
Yes when people learn how to work "their" program of recovery.
Al Anon has gained many the tools to live their marriage...one day at a time.
Thing that happens though... a lot don't learn the lessons before they reach a point of breaking.
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Old 08-26-2007, 07:17 PM
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I have seen marriages survive. There's a great one in my church. He drank and she nearly left him. Then he had a heart attack. This woke him up to the fact he can not drink any more. He is a very different man now and they love each other.

It only works because he stopped drinking.
It can survive. But, most marriages, both people have to realize that their life is out of control and totally unmanagable.
We only have control of our own actions. And that's what I practice these days.
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Old 08-27-2007, 02:48 PM
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I am still married to my AH!

I am working my program he is not.

What do you want to know?
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