hadenoughnow

My AH has been drinking for 17 years, for many years it was just a couple at night but 12 years ago his dad died (at 70) and the drinking escalated, by that time our son was already born and I did not have the confidence or the tools to leave. I coped by getting an education and progressively better jobs so we could have a decent lifestyle and so I would not be dependent on him (I make 6 figures, he makes a lot less mostly because he does not work 12 months a year, all that working stuff interferes with drinking you know). I gave him a "get help or our marriage is over" back in June. He started seeing a substance abuse counselor and has cut his drinking way back (from 12-15 beers down to 2-3). Of course a lot of the A behavior is still there because well you can't quit unless you actually QUIT DRINKING. I found out that he quit seeing his counselor (tired of hearing that he should quit drinking and go to AA I guess).

I had it out with him this am before he went to work and told him that he needs to find somewhere else to live and I will be filing for divorce, I am tired of his crap. Of course he says he will go back into counseling and he knows he needs to quit etc. (quack quack quack).

He is making progress (no longer comes home early to drink, says he will work all year etc) but is not in acceptance that he must actually quit completely it seems. Do I give him a little more time to see if he gains acceptance or take steps to get him out? Even doing the legal minimum seems to be enabling him (as long as he is here and has money for beer he can still disrupt our lives). I guess I am just tired of all this and want him to go away but my son loves his dad and that is my big stumbling block (my A is excellent at directing his ism toward me and not our son though he is 13 now and is catching on).

I've taken all the steps I can at this point for years now (keeping my side of the street clean, focusing and taking care of on myself etc). It looks like I have to make him leave now right? I am at a loss at this point.

ICU

You probably already know this but the answer to "do I make him leave" really must come from within...you!

For me it was when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, that I could take no more, that I finally made my decision. In some respects it seems I had made the decision very quickly. In reality, I had been working on it subconsiously for quite some time.

Have you tried writing a pros and cons list to him staying vs leaving? Sometimes on paper we can see things a bit more clearly.

Take your time and the answers will come to you. You don't have to decide anything today, right?

CE Girl

hahahahahahahahaha,,,,,,

I'm sorry Hadenough, but this statement made me ~giggle~

For me, it was more like "I guess it looks like I should leave now huh?"

So I did, 4 TIMES!!!!!

Each time, a little part of me hoped, no, lets be HONEST KNEW I would be back. As soon as he "got it" a little more. LOL. For my A, it was like fishin. Give me a little "line", hook me with the "chum" and reel me in. He would let me leave, profess his "committment" to sobriety and us, take "Action" by attending AA and seeing his counselor again, and before ya know it, my "stuff" would be back n his house.

I got the BEST biceps on the block from lugging my crap back and forth from his house to mine!!!!

When I left for good, the statement became, "I am going to LEAVE"

That was 5 months ago

Peace

hadenoughnow

See I KNOW that once I make him leave I won't let him come back, ever. My "plan B" is 7 years in the making, I checked out of this marriage emotionally a long time ago, my only consideration is for our son.

hadenoughnow

Yeah I know what I need to do, but we all know what it's like dealing with a full in denial A. Hell will freeze over before I leave, the mortgage is in my name only, he knows I will take legal steps to get him out which is why he tosses me little recovery crumbs.

CE Girl

I know, raising my daughters, I often said, "I'm doing it for them". When they became "aware", it was MY definition, only to find out years later, they were AWARE far beyond my definition. I then had to "walk the walk" and teach by example. Asking myself, "am I doing it for them or me? What kind of "message" do I want to send? That its accpetable to sacrafice yourself for another?". Not to mention, "Am I doing more harm than good?"

Really?

I apoligize if I've overstepped my boundry's Hadenough. Can't help it, just a renagade native hippie chick!

Peace AND Love

hadenoughnow

No apology needed at all, what you said is food for thought.

best

Is it the drinking or his behaviors you don't like?
Set your boundaries against his behaviors because when he stops drinking, some of his behaviors will remain untill her learns better ways to act.
His isms directed at you are teaching your son how a man should act towards a woman. His behaviors don't need be directed at your son for your son to be hurt by them.
AA meetings and working the steps or marriage counseling would be a couple of ways for him to find answers. No solution or program will work if he is not willing.
Set "your" boundaries and keep "your" space in peace.

hadenoughnow

His behavior while he is drinking, the nonsensical ranting, lying etc.

I agree and that is why my need for peace in mine and our son's life is beginning to outweigh any benefits of having the AH living with us.

His counselor had been emphasizing AA, I believe that is why he quit going, no one will tell him what he wants to hear (that he can still have "one or two beers") so he lets his disease direct him.

best

and it will untill he becomes sick and tired of being sick and tired of trying to control something he can't.
He will continue to do what he will do.... you need continue to set boundaries and keep your space at peace. If you need move the line in the sand... only you can make that choice but once you set a boundary...no matter how big or small...stick with it 100% untill such time it isn't needed any more.