Intro - My First Dilemma
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi pj,
About your daughters:kids are very aware.
I hope you will consider taking your girls to at least six Alateen meetings, they are not restricted to teens and provide much needed resources and support.
I have many friends who grew up with alcoholic moms and I wish they had got the kind of help that Alateen offers.
If you take a look over at our Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum you might see how important it is to not let them slip between the cracks amid the turmoil and chaos created by their mom's alcoholism.
About your daughters:kids are very aware.
I hope you will consider taking your girls to at least six Alateen meetings, they are not restricted to teens and provide much needed resources and support.
I have many friends who grew up with alcoholic moms and I wish they had got the kind of help that Alateen offers.
If you take a look over at our Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum you might see how important it is to not let them slip between the cracks amid the turmoil and chaos created by their mom's alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
I can see the arguments here for telling the family. I thought I read that Patrick said there was already hostile feelings between his family and his wife. That's where I was coming from. My mom knows my AH is an alcoholic because I told her a long time ago. I trusted that she would not tell anyone else. I wanted her support. A few years ago we had an argument and she felt it was okay to let the cat out of the bag. Now through the grapevine, I'm sure more people know about my AH than the few I know for a fact she told. It's embarrassing now for me, at least.
I mean, she lives 3k miles from me. I did lean on her for support, but she didn't give me the right advice. She had no idea what it would be like dealing with an alcoholic. I get good support from alanon. But now, when I travel back to visit, I feel like I'm just the one with the alcoholic husband. It's a label I would rather not have to wear. Particularly when I go to family gatherings. These are people I see maybe once every 3 years or so.
There are lots of perceptions about alcoholics, the biggest meaning loser. So, now I feel like I'm seen as being married to a loser. Likewise, no parent wants their kid to be married to an alcoholic. So the natural advice will be to leave. That's pretty hard pressure when one is already dealing with hell at home. "Just leave him". Alright, whatever. I can leave him now, because of alanon. Because I am finding strength in myself and learning to set boundaries. Also, when my mom comes around, she's constantly wondering if he's drunk or stressed about it. I just wish I hadn't told her.
If I were to leave my AH, I for sure would tell all of my family.
I mean, she lives 3k miles from me. I did lean on her for support, but she didn't give me the right advice. She had no idea what it would be like dealing with an alcoholic. I get good support from alanon. But now, when I travel back to visit, I feel like I'm just the one with the alcoholic husband. It's a label I would rather not have to wear. Particularly when I go to family gatherings. These are people I see maybe once every 3 years or so.
There are lots of perceptions about alcoholics, the biggest meaning loser. So, now I feel like I'm seen as being married to a loser. Likewise, no parent wants their kid to be married to an alcoholic. So the natural advice will be to leave. That's pretty hard pressure when one is already dealing with hell at home. "Just leave him". Alright, whatever. I can leave him now, because of alanon. Because I am finding strength in myself and learning to set boundaries. Also, when my mom comes around, she's constantly wondering if he's drunk or stressed about it. I just wish I hadn't told her.
If I were to leave my AH, I for sure would tell all of my family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
An alcoholic will try and cut you off from your support structure in order to keep up their addiction. Example: "How dare your Mom say I have a drinking problem!" "You tell that old hag to stay away from me and my kids. She never liked me anyway!"
Sound familiar???
You talk to who you need to for your sanity. Don't suffer alone because of an alcoholics madness. Be descrete, but don't let the alcoholic keep you from getting help for yourself and your kids. Remember, you are getting help for you, not her. Only the alcoholic can help themselves. Attempts to help her will be met with disdain, if not out right hostility.
Sound familiar???
You talk to who you need to for your sanity. Don't suffer alone because of an alcoholics madness. Be descrete, but don't let the alcoholic keep you from getting help for yourself and your kids. Remember, you are getting help for you, not her. Only the alcoholic can help themselves. Attempts to help her will be met with disdain, if not out right hostility.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: canada
Posts: 72
I totally agree with guyinNC.
also, my family, my perogative to tell them what I wish about my life. NO ONE should tell you what you can/cannot share with your mother about your own life!
I also strongly believe that secrets give strength and power to the addiction.
also, my family, my perogative to tell them what I wish about my life. NO ONE should tell you what you can/cannot share with your mother about your own life!
I also strongly believe that secrets give strength and power to the addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by HockeyMom 
I totally agree with guyinNC.
also, my family, my perogative to tell them what I wish about my life. NO ONE should tell you what you can/cannot share with your mother about your own life!
I also strongly believe that secrets give strength and power to the addiction.
also, my family, my perogative to tell them what I wish about my life. NO ONE should tell you what you can/cannot share with your mother about your own life!
I also strongly believe that secrets give strength and power to the addiction.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Personally I would respect her wishes for the time being. Getting to detox and rehab is a positive step and the wall of denial has been broken. I wish my aw could break through denial.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
hello there,
I was reading your dilemma and thought I'd post from my personal experience. upfront I need to say that my husband is still very actively drinking so my situation is different to yours in that sense. After years of getting wound up in a slowly isolating situation where I covered up the problems that I was going through because of his drinking, I told some of them.
Not to get them on my side, not even for support, but because I didn't want to cover etc anymore.
I realised for me that the reasons I hadn't told them were as follows:
1) I didn't want them to think badly about him, just in case he did get better sometime in the future - how codependent is that? in case of some possible (and frankly unlikely given his views on the subject) change of heart in the future, I was trying to control my families feelings and actions towards someone other than me (not only right now, but FOREVER) by not giving them information and cutting myself off from a valuable source of support. Lying to people I loved in the process, and sometimes telling them that I had made decisions that he had taken (taking the ownership of his actions) to allay any possible suspicions they might have.
2) I was ashamed. Ashamed that I was worth so little, that only a drunk could love me as a partner, ashamed of what I had put up with.
3) I wanted to protect them from worrying about me, & from thinking that it was their fault that I had so little self-worth that I was putting up with this.
can you navigate through that maze of tortured and warped core beliefs?
I decided when asked how I was that instead of making up a lie about how I was fine, I would tell the truth, non-judgmentally and without expecting anything in return, or worrying about my family's reaction either to me or him – after all they are all adults. I said I was finding things difficult because of my difficulties with my husband's drinking and his behaviour when drunk.
my outcome: my family have taken it in their stride - they had been aware of his drinking, and I have stopped lying and feeling ashamed. My family still love him and like him - that hasn't altered. (and in case you are wondering, my husband knows and it hasn’t altered his drinking behaviour one jot).
Since you asked for advice - (LOL) this is what I think:
You don’t owe your family the details if you don’t want to tell them. You don’t owe your wife secrecy if its not in your best interests. You have a responsibility to do what is best for you.
Only you know your motives, and your family. Only you can decide what is best for you. And if you have told her that you won’t tell them – I think it only honourable to stick to that – but you can change your mind, tell her that you’ve changed your mind – that you don’t feel able and don’t want to cover this up from your family, and let them know what you need to tell them.
Your wife is free to decide she doesn’t want to be around your family when they visit if she is uncomfortable with them knowing. Your family can decide they don’t want to visit when she is new in sobriety if they are uncomfortable in that situation – whatever, but each and every one of these adults can make their own decisions based on their own feelings, without any of the responsibility for any of it being on you – which it has no place in being.
It feels like the start of an adult, honest communication.
Al-anon/therapy/support boards etc have their place, but they are not the only source of support, real life family and friends who know you are the stuff of life too.
& whilst I can see that it might well be uncomfortable for her if your family knew, if its uncomfortable for you for them not to know then your needs are NOT less important than her’s.
I was reading your dilemma and thought I'd post from my personal experience. upfront I need to say that my husband is still very actively drinking so my situation is different to yours in that sense. After years of getting wound up in a slowly isolating situation where I covered up the problems that I was going through because of his drinking, I told some of them.
Not to get them on my side, not even for support, but because I didn't want to cover etc anymore.
I realised for me that the reasons I hadn't told them were as follows:
1) I didn't want them to think badly about him, just in case he did get better sometime in the future - how codependent is that? in case of some possible (and frankly unlikely given his views on the subject) change of heart in the future, I was trying to control my families feelings and actions towards someone other than me (not only right now, but FOREVER) by not giving them information and cutting myself off from a valuable source of support. Lying to people I loved in the process, and sometimes telling them that I had made decisions that he had taken (taking the ownership of his actions) to allay any possible suspicions they might have.
2) I was ashamed. Ashamed that I was worth so little, that only a drunk could love me as a partner, ashamed of what I had put up with.
3) I wanted to protect them from worrying about me, & from thinking that it was their fault that I had so little self-worth that I was putting up with this.
can you navigate through that maze of tortured and warped core beliefs?
I decided when asked how I was that instead of making up a lie about how I was fine, I would tell the truth, non-judgmentally and without expecting anything in return, or worrying about my family's reaction either to me or him – after all they are all adults. I said I was finding things difficult because of my difficulties with my husband's drinking and his behaviour when drunk.
my outcome: my family have taken it in their stride - they had been aware of his drinking, and I have stopped lying and feeling ashamed. My family still love him and like him - that hasn't altered. (and in case you are wondering, my husband knows and it hasn’t altered his drinking behaviour one jot).
Since you asked for advice - (LOL) this is what I think:
You don’t owe your family the details if you don’t want to tell them. You don’t owe your wife secrecy if its not in your best interests. You have a responsibility to do what is best for you.
Only you know your motives, and your family. Only you can decide what is best for you. And if you have told her that you won’t tell them – I think it only honourable to stick to that – but you can change your mind, tell her that you’ve changed your mind – that you don’t feel able and don’t want to cover this up from your family, and let them know what you need to tell them.
Your wife is free to decide she doesn’t want to be around your family when they visit if she is uncomfortable with them knowing. Your family can decide they don’t want to visit when she is new in sobriety if they are uncomfortable in that situation – whatever, but each and every one of these adults can make their own decisions based on their own feelings, without any of the responsibility for any of it being on you – which it has no place in being.
It feels like the start of an adult, honest communication.
Al-anon/therapy/support boards etc have their place, but they are not the only source of support, real life family and friends who know you are the stuff of life too.
& whilst I can see that it might well be uncomfortable for her if your family knew, if its uncomfortable for you for them not to know then your needs are NOT less important than her’s.
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