ICU

Whatever is going through my brain right now I know is temporary....as in 'temporary insanity'! As I struggle with continuing with my 'new life' I am besieged with thoughts of my ex. Just when I take 1 step forward, he somehow appears in my mind. My own doing, no doubt. Sometimes this place (SR, triggers me to the most dangerous depths of my soul). I find myself obsessed with finding out where he is, what he's up to...is he in my area, should I tell him to just get his stuff and be done with it...PERMANENTLY...etc.

So far, I have found out that he's doing well, financially speaking...no doubt in great part to his ex, or, could it now be his current???

I'm angry as I'm struggling financially due to left over debt I have incurred from 'our' relationship which ended over 2 years ago.

I still have his stuff here....as the police won't escort him here to get it since he violated the restraining order twice.

I am trying so very hard not to call him, or his best friend, to make arrangements (against the judge's order) for him to get his stuff. I KNOW if I make contact, it will 'give him permission' to resume contact with me....something a large part of me does not want. And yet to be perfectly honest, a small, stupid part of me does.

I'm drowning here....I don't know if I can throw his personal stuff away, legally, or if I do, can he sue me?

To be honest, I want to rip him apart right now, or, maybe I just want to rip myself apart for not putting all of this to bed long ago when perhaps I should have.

I do this rollercoaster thing to myself all the time. Yes, I'm doing it to myself. Strong, then weak...weak, then strong. It's my nature to be that way no matter how hard I try to fight it.

I've got his phone number and the phone in my hand. Someone slap some sense into me please?

Jazzman

Hey you... wassup with all this?!?!?

You just can't go out and have a good time and not think of old times?

There has got to be a way to get rid of his stuff... why not donate it to charity?

splendra

((((ICU))))

Please be gentle with yourself.

An idea I have is to get one of those storage spaces that CHARGE $1 for the first month and put his stuff in it and send him the key...what he does or does not do with his stuff will then be out of your hands...

ICU

I can't afford a lawyer to see if I can do this legally. Is there a statute (sp?) of limitations on his abandoned property?

Astro

Awesome idea!!

(((ICU)))

denny57

There are legal assistance offices everywhere. Or try a google search for your state. I would imagine there's a time limit. I like the charity idea.

kglast

can you just ship his things to him and be done with it???

i go through the same thing wanting and not wanting contact - i always end up regretting the contact....it feels good for a moment but ends up churning up more pain in the end...for me...

hang in there and try to resist the urge for contact....((()))

jillybean

(((ICU))),

Please DO NOT contact him in any way!! It will diminish your credibilty with the legal system. It is well known that victims are not treated with the greatest respect as it is. You are already suffering enough. I know the urge and what it takes to resist but please keep strong!

In my state I was told that if his name is not on the lease where his belongings are, he has no legal claim to them. I think denny gave you some great advice about free aid. You can call a DV agency and they can help you get the answers for your state. I talked to a great lawyer who volunteered her time so you actually get real legal advice.

I had to get the police involved one night when Abf was out of control and I was told that if I damaged his property I could be held accountable. I didn't want to destroy it, I wanted it out of my home.

I too thought about the storage thing but they won't let you take it out in his name and he can fight you as you don't have the right to make him financially responsible for the storage without his permission. I would double check that in your area to make sure what the legal way is according to that as well.

I know what it feels like to be where you are. I hope that it helps to know you have the strength and you are not alone. We work our solutions one day at a time.

ICU

I've been on hold with a free legal advice agency for the past 15 minutes....the longest 15 mintues in my life.

I can't ship him his stuff...it would take a uhaul to get rid of it all. I think this is just my mind's way of finally clearing out all the clutter. It (my mind) is apparently desperate to do it all of a sudden and it's put me into a full-spin panic mode! I HATE how my mind works and creates it's own drama. Thank God I had this place to make contact with first.

I know...I'm doing this to myself. This is the danger of not handling things in an appropriate time-frame...they come back and bite you, hard, when you least expect it....just when you think you're doing good! God I wish these people would take my call already...I want it done..over...and now!

atalose

After 2 years and HE has made no attempt through the legal system or other wise to retrieve his belongings, sounds like he just doesnt care and neither should you.

Are you holding onto them because that is your last real connection to him? Don't you think that if those things were as important to him as they seem to be to you because you are the one holding onto them that he would have made some kind of attempt, through a mutual friend or the courts to get them back.

You've come such a long way in not contacting him, but these belongings seem to be the carrot dangling in your face, connecting you to him, get rid of them and stop worrying about the legal issues. It's been two years he's not bothered what makes you think that once you throw them out he's all of a sudden going to make it an issue, I really don't think he cares at this point.

Donate them, throw them away but holding onto them is keeping you holding onto him and that's not healthy for you.

kglast

((())) i wasn't sure how much "stuff" he had there - it is obviously the right time to get rid of it and move one....you will find a way to do it....ask HP for guidance??? IMHO, the time is right which is why you feel such a sudden urge to get rid of it....best wishes...

ICU

Well, because I have pulled too much out of my retirement savings in order to live, I don't qualify for free legal service. I'm being challenged to say the least.

The last attempt he made to contact me was to get money back regarding the security deposit, which was a loan made to him by my Dad which he still hasn't paid back in it's entirety! That was a phone call that cost him by putting him on probation for 2 years.

I apologize for not thanking everyone for their input and suggestions. I do appreciate it...this is just 'me' being 'all fired up'. I hate this part of me.

atalose

icu,

I certainly don't mean to be mean and I hope you didn't take it that way. I'd just hate to see you backslide over things that don't seem to mean much to him.

I think it's very normal to be curious about ex's and what they are doing in life after we've moved on. But being too curious does kill the cat so to speak and we end up emotionally sick when we obsess. I think getting rid of his belongings without contacting him is the healthy thing for you to do. But it’s scary letting go of that one last connection and maybe you are just not ready yet to do that and finally make it permanent.

ICU

No, no, you weren't being mean at all.

I think that this is a huge stumbling block for me. Sure, a part of me is curious as to what he's up to, and how he is. And I think my defense to that is trying to get rid of his stuff.

In thinking back, I did try to do this 2 years ago, but couldn't get any finite legal advice back then either. As there were many, many other issues I had to deal with, I put this one on the back burner.

I am ready to get rid of his stuff....but legally speaking I don't want it biting me once I do. And with my luck, if I don't do it legally, it will. In other words I want to do it right so I don't have to deal with it again....I want to shoot that carrot out of my mind, once and for all.

ARealLady

it’s scary letting go of that one last connection

I second that sentiment.

a loan made to him by my Dad which he still hasn't paid back in it's entirety!

He still owes your family money. I would say sell off his "stuff" and turn the money over to your father but get the whole process documented so that if he does contact you looking for his belongings you can prove that a debt was being re-paid. The only items you might leave out of a sale would be things like photographs and those can be stored without taking up much space.

ARL

atalose

Each county has free legal aid, try and find a phone number and just ask what your rights are in reference to getting rid of his belongings. Try your county clerk's office or even a local town court clerk could direct you towards getting your questions answered.

denny57

You have a restraining order; call the court and ask them what you can do legally. I know here in L.A. the courts have a legal advice department for such things.

FWIW, I've disposed of many things. If somewhere down the road AH decides he wants something (he's been out of the house 2 years now) I'll plead ignorance. Life's too short.

FormerDoormat

Why not kill two birds with one stone? Hold a yard sale and sell his unclaimed items. That way, you'll rid yourself of his excess baggage and remove the remaining reminders of him from your home. Next, take the proceeds from the sale and put them towards your remaining debt. Finally, toss the piece of paper that contains his phone number.

Oh, and during your yardsale, entertain your customers and treat yourself by playing your favorite Kenny G. album. Now, throw away that phone number and get busy living.

GiveLove

A lot of good ideas here, ICU:
--the storage option (that worked for my alcoholic sister)
--the call-the-courts option (find out what you can do)
--the sell-it-all and give the money to your dad to pay the debt option (there are companies who will just come in, look at everything, and say, I'll give you $XX for the whole lot....and that kills two ties with one stone)

Pick one - just one - today and see how it goes.

His belongings in your life are poisoning your peace of mind and ruining your chances to get over this whole mess quickly and get on with living, as Doormat puts it . If he hasn't needed/wanted his stuff for two years, they can't be anything that he feels worth suing you over getting rid of. If he's got a lot of money he's already replaced it all anyway. But if you document whatever you do about it all, there's no way a court will rule against you, no matter what.

If you keep fiercely defending that space in your mind for him, he will continue to occupy it. Let it go. Fill it with something else, something that gives you joy.

Good luck and hugs
GL

ICU

I'm waiting for 2 return phone calls from supposed free legal advice agencies. Several already told me I don't qualify for free advice.

I called the court and they gave me the law clerk's # that works directly for the judge that granted the order. See, the thing is, the judge considers 'pets' to be 'personal property'. I DON'T! I don't see agencies out there for the protection of desks and chairs, but there are agencies for the prevention of cruelty to animals. As such, I don't want to contact that law clerk in the judge's office because I don't want the judge to order the animals be given back to him. Even though it's been over two years and he hasn't once asked for them back. I'm running on fear here, but those animals deserve better than what he was giving. They get much much better than that with me. This has always been my issue...forcing myself to get rid of his stuff, but not doing it at the expense of the animals.

My only other option is to contact my landlord and tell them that at such a date and time, the storage room will be left unlocked. They can choose to call him if they so desire. Perhaps I should put this in a letter to document and ask they send him a letter and cc me on it. I don't know if that's legal though.

I just don't feel right selling/dumping his stuff without legal knowledge. I want to do it right.