CE Girl

((((((((ICU))))))

Does it help to know, after not being around for a while, I came here because I am in the EXCACT same place?!?!?!?! You, have been one of my "inspirations" since joining this site, and to see YOU still expereince the symptons of the disease blows this hippie chicks mind!!!!

I wanted to cry knowing that even the strongest among us, can be weak.

Don't beat yourself up. Some days, I CRAVE, much like the alcoholic, to KNOW what's going on with my XA. I have to revert back to the "one minute at a time" to see if the craving will pass. PUT THAT DAMN PHONE DOWN!!! Take a minute to "refocus" on what my life is like NOW. More importantly, PLAY THE TAPE THROUGH.

It sounds like your doing that, yet, UNDERSTAND, the desire to "shake things up" is part of your disease. What I try to do is get down to the REAL reason I want that "drama" in my life again? Maybe I'm "bored" with the normalacy? Yup, hard to admit, but sometimes too normal can be my downfall. And even as I play that tape, I know, at the very least, it will bring excitement and drama to my otherwise empty core. ~GULP~ A hard fact to admit to myself for sure.

Wanna go surfing? How bout a nice tumble outta a plane? Fast ride in a car or mortocycle? What else can you do that will provide you with that need for adrenlin that would be more "safe" than contacting your x?

As far as his stuff is concerned,,,,put it in garbage bags and "hide" it in the garage like mine did with his vodka bottles?

Stay Strong sweet thing,,,,

Peace

ARealLady

put it in garbage bags and "hide" it in the garage like mine did with his vodka bottles?



RFLMAO

ARL

denny57

Here in California, if it's in storage, it becomes the landlord's issue (if he was on the lease). How is he to know if one of the pets died or not? Since AH left, one of our cats has; what's it to him?

I'd be more concerned about what is triggering me to want to make contact with an abuser I have a restraining order on. It's obsessing at its worse.

ICU

What triggered me....? The fact that he bought a brand spanking new 2007 convertible and I'm struggling in debt...'our' debt!

Ashamed as I am to admit it...there it is folks.

I tore up the number and tossed it.

denny57

Lose the shame and good for you for tearing up the number!

I hear ya - first thing AH did was buy a new Mercedes. I'm driving the 12 year old leaking chemicals all over the garage floor car still in his name - he won't sign over the title until the judge orders it. Again, who cares? I'm grateful I have a car to drive and a garage to park it in. I'll also be eating a lot of "our" debt by the time this is over. Yep, again, who cares? It is what it is. I would not trade any of the challenges I am facing today for the life I had with an active drinker.

Put the music on today, turn it up loud and dance in your living room. Life is good.

((()))

ICU

Thanks Denny. A mercedes, huh? Geez.....

CE Girl, I just hate this rollercoaster ride I put myself on. It happens less frequently than it use to, but unfortunately it's much stronger in intensity when it does occur. And that's exactly what I did today. Was it just for the thrill of the drama? Or maybe to get these issues resolved once and for all? Both perhaps? I don't know. It's this part of my mind I wish I could surgically remove.

I am grateful that I had the presence of mind to reach out here first. Having resources is good, but only if you use them.

Thanks for helping me through my mini meltdown everyone. You've all helped.

I know I won't get my answers today for every legal avenue I have gone to shut me down. Think I'll go scrub the floor now...it's got dirty paw prints all over it.

CE Girl

Me too, sweetie, me too,,,but isn't that part of our "disease"? "Hating" the codie parts of outselves? Forgetting to LOVE the strength that brought us to recovery.

While your down on your knees scrubbing, maybe you might want to ask the spirits (hp) for a little help?

By the way, a little "cegirlism". When I do what your describing today, I call it "pinging". The more I think about my anger and resentment regarding my A, the more I "ping" off the wall including everything but the kitchen sink as to why he's an ********!!!! Yup, I was left in a finacial, emotional ruin after my "boundary" and yes, he's sailing along just fine apparently, but HELL do you think in his alcoholism he is any "happier"?!?!?!? I can say, I TRULY am,,,,In any case, the dope slap for me, is doing the "there but for the grace fo the spirits go I" I repeat as none of us can TRULY know how the others life REALLY is without living it. Driving a new car is an external facade. Same as Denny's clunker,,,he,he,he,,,,Given a choice between catching a ride, I'd go with Denny ANYTIME,,,,even if its only to help push,,,I prefer to "give back" to those who have given to me,,,,

And welcome back from your "meltdown" ICU,,,we NEED you ya know,,,

We LOVE you,,,

Peace

Jazzman

But can you put a value on the peace a quiet you have in your life now? The cost of chaos was too much.

atalose

OK, that's good you can admit what is really going on with your emotions and what sparked this. Your mad he has a brand new car while you continue to deal with the past (debts). If you don't mind me asking, why is it just you stuck with debt from both of you?

You wanting to do things the legal way sounds like a smart move but you are filled with excuses not too. Can't afford an attorney, now that the situaiton is close to an ending by you talking with the court clerk, the dogs come in as the excuse.
Your mind is justifying keeping this situation alive which in turn keeps you some how connected to this man who has moved on.
Logic is, no judge would take away those animals after being abandoned for 2 years by your ex, so that excuse doesn't hold any water.

Let him go, keep this simple, throw away his things and move on with your life. This drama is going to make you sick.

ICU

Jazzman: Good one Jazz...we all know the answer to that!

Atalose: At the time I got the restraining order, that was really all I could deal with. My first priority was to stay safe. I had thought about taking him to court for reimbursement from time to time, but again, I was afraid I would jeopardize the pets. I really did, and still do think this way. After all the judge wrote on the order that he can have the pets once he finds suitable housing.

I'm not too convinced of that. I know this judge from past dealings with her (and him). She has given him chance after chance after chance and downgraded some of the original charges to laughable offenses....it was downright insulting to me (even the police were shocked)! As a result, I don't trust her. Seeing as that is the only judge that he has gone before with respect to this issue, I am leary of believing another judge might be put on the case.

I'm going to try the landlord thing on Monday as they are closed already for the weekend. I'll see if she'll be willing to send a letter to him and cc me on it. That's the only solution that I can see for now.

Next order of business....drama reduction classes! I hate being so strong for awhile and then I do this to myself all over again.

Zoey

Have you kept the receips for all Vet visits, What about possession is 2/3rds of law /(Or something like that, maybe 9/10th's?) Keep receipts for dog food also.

I have called the State Attorney Generals's ofc and asked what they could tell me??

If you look in the yellow pages see all the Attorney's that will give a half hour free consultation. I don't think you have to tell them if you can afford them or not.

This is just me, but I would take his papers and pictures and jewelry and mail to him with a return receipt requested. List everything enclosed and keep the copy in a safe place. At least that would be personal stuff. If he is drinking he cannot remember what he left. Take pictures of jewelry enclosed.
Just something I would do.

Wascally Wabbit

Is there any way you could rent for one month, a storage shed? This would take the daily reminder out of your house. Perhaps you could give him the key and tell him if it isn't out of there by the end of the month, then he'll lose it because you only paid for one month.
Just a thought.

ICU

The majority of his stuff is in the group storage area in the basement of my apt. complex. Other than knives, credit cards and watches (which I won't put down there until the day it's picked up) everything is out of my daily sight and has been for about a year and a half.

I'm trying to figure out what it is I need to learn from yesterday's meltdown, and so far this is what I came up with: 1. don't put things off because they'll blow up in my face eventually, and, 2. I really, really, really need to work on not sabotaging my own happiness, for that is 'exactly' what I did yesterday. I don't tolerate that from other people any more. I shouldn't tolerate it of myself either.

embraced2000

((((icu)))))

hon, i'm the queen of meltdowns when it comes to my ex. i was always looking for a reason to stir it all up again, just so i could know, or see, or experience him one more time.

over time, i began to know what triggered those feelings.......and it sounds like you are spot on about your own feelings, the reasons for those feelings, and the triggers for the knee-jerk, self-imposed "gerbils in the brain" syndrome that accompanies all of it.

with me, it was because i still loved him, and was so determined not to let my dreams with him die......even if it caused me misery. i have since then, re-defined the word love for myself.

i know i will have days like this, and i have a plan for when i have these days. it helps to not be caught off guard when i know that feeling hits hard.

CE Girl

Sabotage,,,,

You know ICU, you bring up a good point. Why do we need to "feel the pain"?

I say, make cream out of sour milk

Instead of beating ourselves up for going back there, take the lesson and move forward.

Why do I need to feel the pain? To REMIND me to not romance the past. I believe there is a bit of a "dreamer" in us codies, with a flair for the art of acting. We are usually creative and loving, drawing those around us to our cores. All GOOD things. Except when they are applied to the "I'll show you, I'll hurt ME" mentality we can sometimes slip into. SABOTAGING our happiness. Are we not worthy of these attentions so we choose the one who gives us nothing but negative? Who REALLY is in control here?

Make cream ICU, look into your core, and accept that you DESERVE to not sabotage yourself,,,,,

Don't ya hate it when I get a "flow" ,,,,he,he,he

Peace

ICU

Thanks Jeri!

I thought I had made it through the worst of it awhile back. But apparently things I still needed to deal with that I had tucked in the basement (both literally and figuratively) found their way back, or rather, I allowed them back in (yes, I'll take responsibility for it).

Now that I know some if it is still not resolved, I'll have to make a 'plan' for how to deal with those intense feelings when they occur. Thanks, you gave me an idea!

It's good to know that I can come here and have people talk me out of making a huge mistake. Thank God I remembered to do that yesterday. I was 'that close' and I really scared myself!

ICU

WOW!! Now that's another way to put it that absolutely cuts me to the core! Oh man, I gotta really think on that one. You're onto something there CE Girl....I think you've got me pegged!

And no, I don't hate it when you 'get a flow'. It may not feel comfortable for a moment or two, but it's certainly enlightening enough that I have to research it. Thank you for that!

duet_4-8

I am with you here, sister! My ex bought not one but TWO 2007 vehicles in the last couple of months. Total of about $45,000 of debt. But he 'can't afford' a place to live and has to live with his mama. He's flippin' 54 years old!

I don't know the legalities, but I would think that if you are legally divorced (are you?) and the stuff is still at your house after two years, then you can do whatever you want to with it. I'd trash it, or sell it, or whatever.

Life is too short and peace of mind is too valuable. Glad you threw the number away! Good job!

CE Girl

HA!!!! That would probably be about 90% of us here!!!! he,he,he,,,,,

So you gotta ask why?

Why do I need to hurt myself to show you (A)?

Hmmmmmmm,,maybe its that "inner child" crying our for some ATTENTION?!?!?!?

Gut wrenching core HONESTY.

For me, when I feel hopeless, alone, lost and confused.

When the things in my life challenge me, I want to go back and try and recapture the love I never had. The most important person in my universes when I was small and needed to be held, was incapable of giving me that. I took it on, LEARNED behaviour, the best way for "ATTENTION" aka, LOVE, was negative behaviour. It was then that I would hurt myswelf to get the sympathy and HUGS I couldn't get when I was being "good"

I brought it with me throughout my life.

The challenge was getting that person I so wanted the attention from to behave the way I WANTED!!!! Never realizing, I had no control. And the fact that it HURT me was out of THEIR control. They had NO clue how to give me what I wanted, what I NEEDED,,,Lashing out, doing things I would pay for, but not caring enough about MYSELF to evaluate the consequences. As long as I was noticed, and more importantly ACKNOWLEDGED for simply being a mortal.

I'm learning, acheiving those things is up to ME. Learning POSITIVE attention. Making choices and decisions that are good to me,,and OMG,,if you can believe it, TAKING what is offered by another with the capabilities to GIVE and ACCEPTING that life can be filled with love from the people who WILLINGLY give it to me.

Geez,,,its too early for this much brain cramp,,,

Peace

ICU

Duet,

He bought 2 Cars?? Yikes!

No, we never married (I said no twice), but we did live together, both of our names on the lease.

CE Girl,

You're descriptions above are so on the money that I just checked my computer for a hidden camera I suspect you may have planted there.

Anyway, I feel like I've just been stripped naked and all my faults exposed (but in a gentle, loving way).

I think I need to walk in the woods for awhile and process this. Again, thank you!! You've given me even more to think about. I am speechless (well, almost)!