a reminder to myself
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: canada
Posts: 72
a reminder to myself
It's good to remember where we've been so we have greater appreciation for where we are. Lately I find myself feeling sorry for myself some nights cause RAH is working and I'm home alone....HELLO???!!!!! ....someone should probably smack me for that. at least he is sober, working and we're living a happy life!
Two years ago I turned 30. 30 is a huge milestone. I know 18 feels huge, but I think anyone who has turned 30 will tell you 30 is huge-er.
It was more than that for me. In 2003 AH went to his first rehab, a 28-day program. When he came home from that 28-day program, I promised myself that if things were the same or worse in two years I WAS DONE.
He was sober for 3 months. At that point that was the longest sober time in the history of our (very messy) relationship.
Some (bold) people ask how I could have stayed with him. My reply is always "well, obviously I have issues" and I believe that is the honest truth.
My chaotic childhood instilled in me a need for chaos that I was completely unaware of until a few years ago. I recall breaking up with a really nice boyfriend for absolutely no reason. I couldn't put it into words, but something just wasn't right. He was too nice, predictable, dependable, attentive....everything I had never known. And it scared me.
And then I met my AH. Whatever he could dish out, I could take and I could match him toe-to-toe. Don't get me wrong, we had fun, happy, loving times, we did some pretty horrible things to eachother. I tell ya, I am really thankful that God promises us forgiveness cause I had a list as long as his, if not longer.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins
and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
However, by my 30th bday I had done some soul-searching and I had cleaned up my act as much as I could, under the circumstances I was living in. Thus the 2-year promise. A promise that I kept! Which, by the way, is the best feeling in the world.
One week after my 30th birthday, AH was out (he never used at home) on yet another bender and I had been doing a lot of thinking and examining of my life. I prayed in my half-prayer-but-mostly-thinking-to-God kinda way. I cried. I wailed. I weeped. and then I felt peace. I knew that it was time for me to go. I had long ago accepted that I could not change him and I now decided that I was doing more damage by pretending that everything was ok when he was home.
Which leads me to my point (there's a point?!)
Odds are, we will all struggle with something at some point in our lives, some more serious than others. Sure, when it happens you pretend your life is grand. Bitch about the husband, bitch about the kids, but don't let anyone know the real trouble... the pornography your husband turns to instead of you...or the affair..the abortion you tried to forget....or the pills you have to take to sleep at night... Don't tell them how much it hurts that your husband has to stop at the bar before he comes home to you at night. Don't tell them you're so deep in credit card debt you can't breath. That you can't look in the mirror. That you hate how you talk to your kids. That you cry yourself to sleep. Sure, my husband is a drug addict, but you might have a secret too.
The most difficult thing when we're unhappy is to change the circumstances of our lives. To stop and say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". For me, there was a bit of a process.
- I stopped drinking and partying with him. That might sound silly to some since I wasn't the one with the problem. but it just wasn't what I wanted in life. It wasn't fun for me. I wanted more.
- A huge part of it was getting out of denial. For so long I had kept his drug use a secret. No one knew that he would disappear for days, amongst other more terrible things I choose not to think about. NO ONE. I started telling people (family and very close friends) I went to Al-Anon and talked to other people who were going through the same thing.
- I stopped making excuses and lying for him.
- I also was getting some professional help. It's out there. The more I talked about issues out loud, the clearer things became to me. I hated counselors, but I tried a few.
- The online forums (this one is my favourite) were the best for me, but journaling is equally as effective. The key being to go back and see where you were, and be real with yourself about your situation. Again, trying to stay out of denial.
No one could tell me what I needed to do, but after a few years of starting these things, I came to my own conclusions. I made a huge change. I packed the house and walked away...for good, I was convinced.
When he checked himself into a 6-month treatment program six months later, it was not because of anything I did. I can't explain the change in him, I can only explain the change in me. I don't even think he was aware of the change in me, how seriously done I was.
And today, because it's my birthday, I thought it would be good to remember where I was two years ago. Where I was for so much of my life...in chaos.
Today I am blessed with peace, love and joy that I could never have imagined that day, two years ago, when I put myself and my kids first and handed AH over to God.
Two years ago I turned 30. 30 is a huge milestone. I know 18 feels huge, but I think anyone who has turned 30 will tell you 30 is huge-er.
It was more than that for me. In 2003 AH went to his first rehab, a 28-day program. When he came home from that 28-day program, I promised myself that if things were the same or worse in two years I WAS DONE.
He was sober for 3 months. At that point that was the longest sober time in the history of our (very messy) relationship.
Some (bold) people ask how I could have stayed with him. My reply is always "well, obviously I have issues" and I believe that is the honest truth.
My chaotic childhood instilled in me a need for chaos that I was completely unaware of until a few years ago. I recall breaking up with a really nice boyfriend for absolutely no reason. I couldn't put it into words, but something just wasn't right. He was too nice, predictable, dependable, attentive....everything I had never known. And it scared me.
And then I met my AH. Whatever he could dish out, I could take and I could match him toe-to-toe. Don't get me wrong, we had fun, happy, loving times, we did some pretty horrible things to eachother. I tell ya, I am really thankful that God promises us forgiveness cause I had a list as long as his, if not longer.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins
and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
However, by my 30th bday I had done some soul-searching and I had cleaned up my act as much as I could, under the circumstances I was living in. Thus the 2-year promise. A promise that I kept! Which, by the way, is the best feeling in the world.
One week after my 30th birthday, AH was out (he never used at home) on yet another bender and I had been doing a lot of thinking and examining of my life. I prayed in my half-prayer-but-mostly-thinking-to-God kinda way. I cried. I wailed. I weeped. and then I felt peace. I knew that it was time for me to go. I had long ago accepted that I could not change him and I now decided that I was doing more damage by pretending that everything was ok when he was home.
Which leads me to my point (there's a point?!)
Odds are, we will all struggle with something at some point in our lives, some more serious than others. Sure, when it happens you pretend your life is grand. Bitch about the husband, bitch about the kids, but don't let anyone know the real trouble... the pornography your husband turns to instead of you...or the affair..the abortion you tried to forget....or the pills you have to take to sleep at night... Don't tell them how much it hurts that your husband has to stop at the bar before he comes home to you at night. Don't tell them you're so deep in credit card debt you can't breath. That you can't look in the mirror. That you hate how you talk to your kids. That you cry yourself to sleep. Sure, my husband is a drug addict, but you might have a secret too.
The most difficult thing when we're unhappy is to change the circumstances of our lives. To stop and say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". For me, there was a bit of a process.
- I stopped drinking and partying with him. That might sound silly to some since I wasn't the one with the problem. but it just wasn't what I wanted in life. It wasn't fun for me. I wanted more.
- A huge part of it was getting out of denial. For so long I had kept his drug use a secret. No one knew that he would disappear for days, amongst other more terrible things I choose not to think about. NO ONE. I started telling people (family and very close friends) I went to Al-Anon and talked to other people who were going through the same thing.
- I stopped making excuses and lying for him.
- I also was getting some professional help. It's out there. The more I talked about issues out loud, the clearer things became to me. I hated counselors, but I tried a few.
- The online forums (this one is my favourite) were the best for me, but journaling is equally as effective. The key being to go back and see where you were, and be real with yourself about your situation. Again, trying to stay out of denial.
No one could tell me what I needed to do, but after a few years of starting these things, I came to my own conclusions. I made a huge change. I packed the house and walked away...for good, I was convinced.
When he checked himself into a 6-month treatment program six months later, it was not because of anything I did. I can't explain the change in him, I can only explain the change in me. I don't even think he was aware of the change in me, how seriously done I was.
And today, because it's my birthday, I thought it would be good to remember where I was two years ago. Where I was for so much of my life...in chaos.
Today I am blessed with peace, love and joy that I could never have imagined that day, two years ago, when I put myself and my kids first and handed AH over to God.
Happy Birthday!
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